What's 'ATT' got to do with it?

Your attitude is an expression of your values, beliefs and expectations.

Brian Tracy.

ATTITUDE- A complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways.

Today a couple of weeks ago, we buried Patricia.She would have turned 26 on Saturday. Her death was so sudden it left most of us confused and panicking. You know, living with this virus forever makes you on the lookout for things that will make you sick.
Some people become obsessed with their health so much just in the hope that if they do so, they will be able to go through the year with as little drama as possible.

I was just checking in at the airport when I got ‘the call’. At first because I was busy ensuring everything gets on board I didn’t think much about it. Reality sank in when we took off. I couldn’t understand why she died so fast. It wasn’t even about her, I guess I was scared at the fact that it is possible for someone to go down that fast.

About two weeks before her death, a friend told me she was sick and was hospitalized.
“I am scared Flo,” she said.
“Why? What’s wrong with her” I asked surprised.
“Her kidneys collapsed” Catherine said
“Everyone seems to be dying this year.” She explained. Catherine had been sick most of last year and has never fully recovered. She keeps being admitted in hospital for various complications and seeing people go to hospital and not come out alive wasn’t helping.
“You will be fine, Patricia will be fine” I insisted. “We can’t have anymore people dying this year; I don’t think I can take it.” I tried to reassure her.

I was so scared as much as I didn’t want Catherine to know. The following day and for a bout a week afterwards all I did was Google Kidney/renal failure in relation to HIV. I just realized there is a lot about this virus I don’t know about. I tried to ask her friends if they knew of anything that she may have done wrong but no one seems to know.

A number of us called each other and picked on a date to go see her at the hospital. I couldn’t get out of work at lunch time to go with them. So because i dread being in hospitals alone, I called a dear friend to take me.

We got to the Hospital at around 4.30pm and were led to the High dependency Unit wards. I kept telling myself “it can’t be that bad.”
Nothing prepared me for what I saw. Patricia looked different; no one would believe she is the girl I bumped into in town just a month before. She was swollen all over with tubes sticking in and out of her hands and mouth. She just managed to say a weak hallo before the nurses asked us to give them time to give her medicine.

I got back to the office and kept reading and prying before I found out that Patricia had refused to start her ARV’s despite various doctors advising her to do so since 2007. I couldn’t believe it. Something she said to me last year quickly came to mind. We were doing an interview for one of the local dailies and it was about the challenges of young people living with HIV. She was being featured as one of the people who have never disclosed their status to anyone, family or friends and I was the loud mouth as usual. When the reporter asked her why she found it hard to talk about her status which she knew about when she was in 1st year of college.
“HIV has always been a disease for immoral and poor people, I can’t bring myself to accept that I have it because I am not those things.” (Immoral or poor)She said.

I understood a lot of things about her that day. Like why she never came to our support group meetings, why she didn’t talk about her status even at work where the majority lived openly with the virus and why she was always keeping to herself.

What I didn’t realize though was how much her attitude affected her health. I was angry, I couldn’t believe it could go this far.
Patricia worked in an organization where HIV talk was normal, sat about 50metres from a clinic, could have gotten referrals to the best doctors if she needed it but what stood in her way was her attitude towards HIV.
There are people who would only dream of such privileges. There are people who still have no access to medication and they lose their lives for it. She had everything including a number of doctors pleading with her to start medication but for one reason or another she felt it wasn’t important.

I hear a lot of confessions from people who will not cut down on their smoking or binge drinking because they are scared of what their friends will say. Or people who won’t start their ARV’s because they don’t want to deal with its side effects. Or people who continue to put their lives and the lives of others at risk because they don’t want to ‘lose’ them and be alone when they disclose their status.

All these are attitudes. Things we can change. I am not for people raising banners and screaming ‘I HAVE HIV’, but it doesn’t mean that in your silence you can’t reach out for help that you need to enable you live a long, healthy and productive life.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “Your mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission.”

RESURFACE

“Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer.”Leonardo Da Vinci.


Time does fly fast. When i decided to take a break from this place, i had no idea i would stay away this long.
I tried a number of times to write but, everything i wrote had a bad taste to it.Today i resurface.
I missed this spot, so did lots of guys judging by the emails and nudges i got from people to post.

So what have i been up to? lots of stuff which shall be covered in my other post. But for today, let me sum up the updates into five key areas of my life.

HEALTH.
Because of the nature of condition i am living with, this should take center stage right? I score the least in this area. I have totally been mean to myself. I haven't gone to clinic for check ups since my last in January. I have no reason valid enough to hold water so i will not give one.
No reports on my new CD4 or anything. I have people on my back about this since i confessed it last month. I gave my word that i will see a doctor before my birthday in November. Lets see how that goes.

WORK
New job, totally new environment. I am in love with my job. From the look of things, i am going to have lots of fun with it. I still work in an HIV&AIDS program but this time my focus is on workplace. I leave jeans and t-shirts and don suits and heels. no more advocacy workshops, i am mostly found in boardrooms and cocktail meetings now oh and the travel! I meet new people every week.Totally cool.
I was scared at first of the change this will bring to my life, but looks like i am handling this well seeing as my buddies still like me.

FAMILY.
We got an additional family member into my house. I adopted a 21year old girl who was kicked out of her home because of her status. That makes 3, the number of adult girls in my house. Total fun, i don't cook and i don't clean.
I am an aunt! My sis got us a baby girl so cute i want another one of my own.
My son is fine and a small man now. I got brave and took him to Boarding school where his teachers call to him as 'mama's boy'. I think i should cut down the number of phone calls i make to the school to check how well he is doing. He seems to have taken up to the school so well which is quite a relief.

FRIENDS
I haven't lost any friends due to stigma, that hasn't happened in a while. I have lost four to death so far. This year, i have made the most number of friends. This is the area of my life that scores the highest. i am truly favored, i have people who i genuinely care about and who genuinely care about me too.
My three friends from campus and i recently celebrated 10years of our friendship. I can't believe how fast time flies. We are doing everything to ensure we meet at least once a month to catch up. Some friendships are worth working on.

BOYS
Nothing much to write home about. 'I have been busy' is the true reason though this looks like an overused excuse. Well, i will attribute my lack of boy reports to two things.
First i have been too sober most of this year to get laid. Once sober i will think through and notice lots of things about a guy until i find something that puts me off. I have been drinking lots of juice, coffee, lattes and Alvaro and hanging out in areas that don't honestly guarantee i shall pic a guy for the road.
Second, my shrink(yes i finally got one) openly disclosed her disapproval at my 'friends with benefits' idea of relationships with men.
She reckons, that the reason i would be doing that is because i have an esteem problem that i should sort out.
So i took sometime off to find out why sexual relations without any form of attachment appeal to me so much.
This goes hand in hand with the male drama i seem to be attracting into my life.
So now, no more drunken nights with guys who i don't give a rats ass about. let's see how that goes.

I have been going through a period i am yet to define. My shrink calls it'Emotional fatigue'. Apparently my listening to so many people open up about their lives problems and issues did take a toll in my own especially seeing as i wasn't getting help for it.

So i became withdrawn and moody, and fed up of being HIV positive. I now understand why people would want to go on a drug holiday. Living with this virus can be exhausting sometime.
The break idea was the best. I come back to this life knowing their is no where i am going to run to, HIV is here to stay and the people who have it and need my help will not end. I will remember this lesson most.
I need care just as much as anyone else living with this condition does.

AFTER THE TEST

“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I fear, I cry and I know you do the same too. So we are really the same me and you”


A couple of minutes after one is told they have tested HIV positive are probably the worse minutes of their lives. I know they were mine. Although after living with this virus this long one tends to encounter other worse things, but that day in the VCT center 5years ago will forever remain etched in my mind.

Everyone has a different story of how they first found out, others decided to go for the voluntary counseling and testing (VCT), others found out after being sick, yet others found out after deaths of spouses raised concerns. What’s common though is the reactions we all exhibit as soon as we find out. Some of us sink into shock and only realize what’s happening way later, there are those who start crying and wont stop no matter what, then there are those of us who just walk out of the doctors office and forget we were ever there. How one is treated at this time, most often determines how they will handle the news and progress from there on.

After surviving the first few moments and the hours, one grapples with various emotions and stages as the reality of the news sinks. Here are a number of emotions (not is any particular order) that one deals with and here’s- in my opinion- how best to deal with them.

Fear
None if us likes going into a new place they hadn’t planned to go to. We always get apprehensive about what we may find there. With the knowledge that one is HIV+ comes the fear of death. Then we fear what the society would do or say to us once they know. We have seen how they treated other people in the past; we know how our family and friends talk about this. We know how the society has judged this a moral disease and we are scared of being judged immoral. We cry a lot at this time mostly because we know at some point or another we will have to deal with family, friends and society reactions and we don’t think we are strong enough for it. My counselor advised that whenever I needed to cry I should go ahead and do it.
“Crying is therapeutic and good for you.” she said.
I have since discovered that the best way to deal with fear is by facing it head on. Sounds insane? Believe me it works. Nelson Mandela once said,
“I learnt that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man isn’t he who doesn’t feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

Numb
This is when one feels, nothing, zilch, zero! Most of the times, this is because one is in shock. One can be in shock for days or weeks, normally they don’t talk about it, go on like all is well but often times break down at the least expected time. After my own results were given to me, I went to a party and spent the weekend with friends like nothing really happened. I broke down three days later in my office when the news finally sank in.
Other times it’s because they are in denial. You tell yourself that this isn’t happening and it can’t be happening to you. Different people go through denial in different ways. Take Emily for instance. She found out she was HIV positive when she was 20years old. She blocked the story from her mind, went on with her life, got married to someone else and has a seven-year-old son. 10years after her test, she decided to seek treatment and is currently in a support group.
Now denial is not a bad thing for helping you go about your life as you deal with the big change that this news has brought to your life. It allows you to take sometime off making some very important decisions but usually it doest work forever. Eventually you will need to make decisions like about where to seek care and treatment, how best to disclose to your friends and family, whether to have a baby or not to and many others. The sooner you get off this stage the better for you. You may get stuck in this stage and end up sick because you didn’t seek the help you need to live a better life.

Rage.
This is the intense anger that one feels towards others or themselves. You may be furious at yourself for having not protected yourself, for having let it happen. Some people resent or get angry with the people they believe infected them, others get angry with God for allowing it to happen. At this time people always exhibit reckless behavior. Normally when one feels there is no other way out of the mess this news has on their life. They reckon,
“I’m going to die anyway so why should I care?” or “I want to drink and have as much fun as I can because I will die soon.”
Some people sell all their belongings albeit at a throw away price because, you guessed right, they believe they are dying. Such behavior will not get you anything but regret. Regret for when 5 years later you are not dead but broke or poor and with a long list of people you infected on your conscience.
Others lose psyche for work or their families. Often times this is the time when most people have given up on life and all the beautiful things it has to offer. This is an understandable feeling. However, it’s advisable to channel all that energy to something more productive. With the help and support from family, friends and counselors one can get over this

Depression
You are tired, you don’t want to get out of bed, and you probably would welcome death if it stretched out a hand to you. Well, all of us have gone through such feelings in our lives for one reason or another. Like the grand break up from your first love? It gave you similar kinds of feelings only this time it feels worse?
“I wished I would just die and not have to deal with people finding out.” Caroline a member of my support group once told us.
This was echoed by a lot of other people. At this point some of us get suicidal. We see no reason to go on, we wonder why we shouldn’t save everyone the agony of seeing us sick and just end it.
Depression sometimes slows us down as we recover from a big blow in our lives but just like denial, it shouldn’t be allowed to overstay its welcome. Depression doesn’t work well when one is HIV positive. It’s advisable to seek counseling or support of family and friends if you can. Join a support group or post-test club near you. Group support gets anyone out of the rut. I know because it was the beginning of me finding strength enough to do what I do today.

Negotiating.
At this point, you believe that everything is happening to you because for some reason or another you were evil or bad and you are getting punished for it. For some people this is the time you feel philanthropic and give a lot of donations to make peace with yourself, others contact family and friends that they had lost touch with and yet others become fanatic church goers.
“ I used to go for all the prayer sessions and meetings.” Confessed Mary.
“ I was totally disappointed when after a year I still had an attack of TB and this time had to go to hospital.” She goes on
We negotiate with God that if we try to be good for a while, then he will wake us up from this horrible dream. We negotiate with ourselves that if probably we try
To make right what we made wrong then God would forgive us. There is a lot of frustration later on when one finds out that no matter how good they try to be, the condition isn’t going away and they have to deal with it. The sooner one realizes they need to deal with this news, the better for them. Talk to someone a counselor or friend to help you through this, or better still join a support group near you.

Low Self Esteem.
You will at all times be faced with low self esteem at one point or another. Different people have low esteem issues for different reasons. There are those who now feel their spouses will not want to stay married to them, most women go about feeling they are not right for any man and end up being used, humiliated and made to feel worthless. Some people maybe due to weight loss from being sick or weight gain from medicines begin to hate their bodies and feel bad about it. You don’t see reason why you should dress up and look nice, or go to parties or to get togethers. You withdraw from family, friends and colleagues
This is often times the reason for misery in our lives. You begin to believe you are not good enough. You don’t apply for that good job; don’t seek educational, professional or personal growth because you believe those things aren’t for you.
“For a long time I convinced myself and my friends that I didn’t like children.” Terry told me.
“I believed that if I kept saying this then I would believe it.” She explained. At the moment, Terry is trying out for a baby after she got married to a HIV-ve man last year, another of the things she thought impossible.
The best cure for esteem issues is self-love and self-acceptance. This doesn’t happen overnight. One needs to inject doses of positive things and energy into their lives every day. Loving you makes it easy for you to deal with lots of things that may happen to your life.


Acceptance.
This is the point when you can look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself; I have HIV but I am not defined by my HIV status but by who I am.
The sooner one gets to this stage the better for them. There is no time limit however for one to get to this point where they accept they have the virus, it’s not leaving and so they have to live with it. At this point most people reach out for help. Look for a doctor or a hospital, go for tests, start treatment, research on how best they can live their lives, disclose to their partners, family and friends and how they can cope with everyday challenges. Getting to this point doesn’t mean that we wont get anymore challenges to deal with but from here, we can about face any of them and with the help of our support system overcome it.

This is probably a cliché, testing HIV positive isn’t really the end of the world, and with the right support and help one can live their lives as productive as any other person. So many people have lived this proof; we just need to believe in our self that we can do it too.
floafriq@gmail.com

SELF LOVE....

“There is no passion to be found in playing small; in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – NELSON MANDELA

“Life is what you make it.” My high school principal used to drum that in our heads everyday. Back then; this was one of the things we always made jokes about. Now, It makes perfect sense. Everything we do, all we aver become is totally determined by the choices we make.

This has been an interesting week, a sort of cool breeze after going through time filled with a lot of soul searching and tough decision making.
Saturday was Valentines Day, a time when everything gets ‘red drapings’ and guys go to a lot of trouble to profess undying love… whatever that is.
It is also that time of the year when there are a lot of women walking around with broken or bruised hearts. Seeing as I am an aunt Tabby of sorts, this is the time when I talk to lots of disappointed, broken, bruised and often time teary women sometimes late into the night. I am glad that this year I didn’t have to give ‘the talk’ to any of my baby sisters.

Okay men are jerks. We know it, we tell it to our friends all the time. I bet this information has been passed down a number of generations. I wonder what women do about it. I was particularly moved by Sarah’s story. She not only got conned into giving lots of money to some guy she hadn’t even met because she was ‘feeling’ him. That isn’t even it, she let herself be humiliated by another guy she met online all in one week. Details of this story are either disgusting or too shocking to believe so I will save you from it.
“I feel so bad and used.” She moaned
“I know, I would feel horrible too.” I agreed with her.

First, seeing as the much I ever got from Internet dating is a number of hot, steamy sex dates I really don’t believe people find love from it. Two, I totally don’t get how a woman gets to ‘fall in love’ with two men and get totally humiliated by both of them in one week. The big question here is how does a woman (who isn’t 18 or 22 years) get so into two total strangers and ends up losing her heart, her money and whatever is left of her self worth?

Talking to Sarah on the Phone I couldn’t help but think of a time when I was so like her. I was 23 years and totally in love with this guy in College. Henry was cute and fine and all. Boy! didn’t I eat crap off of this guy’s hand. He kept telling me I was fat and he liked thin/slim women. I went on a diet and even got anorexic to be the woman he wanted. I got to size 6, couldn’t even find clothes that fit but he kept telling me I was fat; that and a number of other faults he found in me turned me into a nervous wreck. My sister and a number of my friends couldn’t understand why I was with him, what I saw in him, I paid all the bills when we hang out, bought lots and lots of expensive presents for him. Things I didn’t even buy myself…anything to keep him by my side. I broke up with him in my last semester and that was probably the best thing I ever did in college. My friends stopped short of throwing a bash with each one of them telling me I was better off without the SOB, I got remarks and opinions from people I never even knew existed in college. They were all relieved I had broken up with him. Before long, I met someone else and heaven was on earth for me. I totally forgot about him.

I met Henry after college and we thought having grown up maybe we could try this again. A week later, I found out I was HIV+. As soon as he found out, he went quiet for about three months before coming back to my life. I was so glad, I felt like I owed him my life. I mean here was a HIV- handsome guy ready to go out with me. A couple of months or so I sort of noticed a trend, I never met him publicly; we never met at his house unless I was going in late at night and all we ever did was have sex. He wasn’t my booty call; I didn’t think that was the agreement.
“Be grateful that he even looks at you.” A voice would tell me whenever I started feeling low about it.
“Who would want you once they know…be grateful for what you get.” Yet another voice.
I decided to go on with it even if I felt cheap and low because I thought since he was doing me a great favor; I could take whatever morsels he threw at me.

I am one of those people who are slow at making emotive decisions but once I do, there is no turning back. I didn’t even believe it when I confronted Henry out of the blues and demanded that he treat me with respect.
“I don’t expect you to love me but if you and I are ever going to happen then it will be based on respect.” I told him
“I will not take ultimatums from you.” He sternly replied.
“This isn’t an ultimatum Henry, it’s a number of choices, you respect me or we are done.” I stressed as I walked away.

I did panic afterwards, thinking that maybe I had made a mistake. I wanted to call him and beg him to take me back but I didn’t. I fought to stop myself from drunk dialing him, I probably did drunk dial a number of times and hang up before he answered. After a while, I just didn’t look for him. I saw him online but I stuck my ground…I wouldn’t be the first one to talk to him. He did talk to me after about four months. We still talk to date and it is on a platform of total respect. Him and I and sex didn’t ever happen again but all isn’t lost, he got the point.

I have learnt through time to love myself. And it’s love I am very possessive about. I am not afraid to ask that I be treated with the respect I deserve. I give, as much as I expect to get in any relationship I am in. This has spilled over into how I do my work, relate to people and how I view things in life.
I know now for sure that I don’t need a man to fill a void or gap in my life but I need a man to compliment my already existing, vibrant and full life. That, or nothing at all. I wont settle for morsels.

I know there are women who believe that they need another man to get over their heartbreak or painful experience, I don’t. Women just need to love themselves enough to be comfortable in being alone. Most of the time we take a lot of bullshit because we don’t want to be alone or we don’t know who we really are, or what we are capable of. We grew up being told what we should do, how we should dress or laugh or talk. We then started dating and we got another list of some one else’s expectations handed down to us. Some got married and along that road got another list of someone else’s expectation list.

When does an average African woman get time and space to be herself? To discover her true worth and capabilities? I have an answer to that…. when she decides to stop listening to peoples opinions of who she is and can be and start believing in herself.

MY STORMY FEBRUARY

This is officially my month of Drama this year. I don’t really know how the other months will go but I think I got the A-storm of my life this month and I am so glad I survived it.
No I didn’t lose any family member to the two horrible fires but I did go through my own set of loses.

The first two weeks were crazy and I was angry through out it all. I quit my job. All those who know how much I was ‘married’ to my job this last two years know that this was like losing a baby. For a moment I was angry then sad but after a while I figured, I didn’t lose me and really some things are inevitable and growth is one of those things.

I lost a big chunk of respect for two people who betrayed my trust. This wasn’t so hard though. I have in the past four years let go of a number of people. It sort of happens the moment you expect so much from people and that has sort of been who I am lately. Still I was sad. It wasn’t an easy loss.

This was probably the hardest; I lost a friend, colleague and a member of the group to complications of the heart. This is also the first time I walked into a morgue and it was really hard to see her sleep on some metal slab. I couldn’t help beating myself and wondering whether there is something we could have done to prevent this from happening.

Last year, I was faced with a lot of trying moments when guys from my group got sick, I spent time at the hospital, sometimes pleading that the doctors have one more look at someone they had given up hope on. I watched hopeless cases spring back to life…beautiful life and I look at them this year and think they are my small miracles.

Jane was one of these guys. I met her when she was very sick, her CD4 was below 200 and she had nowhere to live. I asked her to come and stay with me as she had just gotten a volunteer job as a nurse in my office. She had gotten better and was giving me tips on a lot of stuff. She got her strength back and even moved into her own house. The last time she and I had a lengthy talk about her health, her CD4 was 430 and her doctors were happy with her. That explains why her death was so painful. It was sudden and we were totally not expecting it.

“Baby I totally don’t want to be in your shoes right now.” Christine my friend confessed when she called me one day
“I am fine, really I think I am doing okay.” I tried to sound brave.
“I would be a wreck, crying like a baby right now.” She went on
That’s when it hit me that in all the drama, I didn’t even shed a tear. I felt pain, lots of it and with each incident and each day I felt my heart sinking but I just couldn’t cry.

By the end of that week however I was so drained most of my sentences had me saying how tired I was. I was tempted to feel sorry for myself but all I kept thinking was how much I have gone through in the past and how this was just a mild storm that I will get past.

Norman Vincent Peale once wrote, “One of the chief lessons or truths to be learned by thoughtful people is that the so called impossible is indeed possible to those who have the will, the courage and the faith.”

The huge storm is past now; I am just left picking up the pieces and putting everything in place. My shrink says that everyone goes through trying moments and we should all strive to build our character from these trying times. I totally agree with her.
I honestly hope though that I have seen the last of crazy moments this year and can’t wait for this month to end.

LETTING GO.

At what point does one let go of all the negative things in their lives and embrace the positive? I ask myself that question every time I meet people who ask for my advice on the various issues affecting them.

Take Jane for instance, she met the guy of her dreams four years ago. They already had wedding plans going on before she discovered she was pregnant and a couple of months later during her antenatal clinic tested positive for HIV.

As soon as her fiancée found out she was HIV positive, he gave her 20,000 bob to abort the foetus and she never heard from him again. Jane carried the pregnancy to term and gave birth to a handsome boy. Jane later lost her job because her boss had found out she was positive.
That’s when she and I met; I was a month old in my office and she had come to cry. Well she did cry and also got milk for her baby after we enrolled her in our program.
A year later, Jane decided to clean up her house and throw away her ex-boyfriends stuff and to her dismay, found clinic papers and receipts from Mbagathi hospital. The papers belonged to her ex and his girlfriend before Jane. And they were dated two months before she and this guy met.

She was crushed when we met that day.
“I will kill him if I set my eyes on him.” She confessed
I was too shocked to say much. I couldn’t believe someone would do something like that….well at the time.
I helped her get counseling to calm her down, but I guess she was angry for a long time. She confronted the guy in the presence of his family and threatened to sue him. Her drama did pay off because she had child support so she was fine.

Jane came to see me sometime last week.
“I need someone to talk to and I don’t have any friend.” She said as she got into my office.
“You are welcome, so what up?” I ask
“I moved in with baba Jeremy.” She starts and I can’t hold my surprise.
“You did what?” I ask
“Its not that I love him or anything like that but I have no choice, I have nowhere to go.” She tries to explain
“Where is Jeremy?” I ask concerned
“He is at home with my mum.” She replies looking relieved.
“So tell me again why you needed to go back to this guy if your son is home?” I ask
This starts a long list of excuses I really don’t agree with. Jane has no job and she had a fight with her auntie so she walked out of her house and went to her ex’s.
“Do you guys have sex? I ask concerned
“Yeah we do.” She replies
“But its not like I enjoy anything, I just do it because I have nowhere to go.” She tries to explain
“Do you use a condom seeing as your guy can’t keep his pants up?” I ask
“Sometimes we don’t, infact I want you to help me see a doc I think I have yeast infection.” She confides.

At this point I almost want to wring her neck myself.
“Jane, are you sure you had no choice other than to go to back to him? Where are your friends? Why didn’t you call any of us?” I ask
“I wish you were back in this guy’s bed because you enjoyed the sex, not because you told yourself you had no other choice.
I of course start a long lecture about everything in life being about choices and then took her to see the doc.

Jane called me at 2pm yesterday; she had been hit by the ex/current guy because she threw tantrums after finding out the guy has another kid who is about four years old.
“You need to know when to let go and move on.” I said as I tried to calm her down. She moved back to her auntie’s yesterday apologetic and stuff.

I keep wondering how many of us hold on to pain, anger, relationships that are doomed, jobs that don’t bring any satisfaction our way but are unwilling to let go? We throw blame at the people we believe gave us HIV and forget we had a part to play in this too. We look for ways to cause them pain but as soon as we do, we realize it’s not worth it.
Or cling to that abusive relationship, or take bullshit from people because we believe we have no other choice. We make excuses like,
“I am in this marriage for the sake of the children.”
“He or she will be destroyed is I left” or
“He/she has to pay for causing me all this pain.”

Sometimes we are too afraid to find out how life would be like if we tried something different, are scared of our own potential; or let people tell us we didn’t have the potential to be anything without them.

I think we ought to realize there are things worth pursuing and those that are better dropped as soon as they stop giving us joy and peace. I came across this sermon by TD Jakes which I believe sums up all I needed to say to Jane or anyone in her shoes.

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.


I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.


When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you,
you can't make them stay.
Let them go.


And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,
it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's
part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.


You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye.
It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye.


It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
and I know whatever God means for me to have
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!


If you are holding on to something
that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves..
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....
LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for you !!!
LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
LET IT GO!!!

LESSONS FROM MY PAST

Time takes it all. Whether you want it or not, time takes it all away, time bears it away…and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we leave them there again- Stephen King

The first support group meeting of the year took place on Saturday and I was happy to see most of the guys back, happy and healthy. Listening to guys talk about their new year’s resolutions was encouraging. As a group we did agree on a number of things we will do this year. Topping the list of course was fun. We were going to have fun. There is nothing to be happy about in the country at the moment what with the drought, our politicians constant bickering and the sky rocketing commodity prices. We aren’t going to let that put us down because we will hold each others hand and spread the cheer.

Ever done something or gone through a phase in your life where you did things you weren’t really proud of? I have. I shocked my self when I shared this with guys from the group,(I just lost face as the near perfect girl who has it all together) I didn’t tell them because I wanted to get stuff out of my ‘closet’, I wanted guys to realize that with the news that one has HIV begins a process in our lives. We will make mistakes, terrible ones but we can seek help or try to change or whatever. So we don’t have to point fingers at each other and think others are fine or not. Sometimes there are those we think are managing okay but contrary to that thought, a lot of us are just as weak.

So this is my confession. Truth be told, the events of this period have been blocked from my mind. They came up on Saturday. That explains why I am surprised I even talked about it. To those who know me: You shall not use this against me when I become famous and run for president in some small unknown country where I shall be a citizen by marriage!!!
Forgive the tangent.

The first boyfriend I ever disclosed my status to was my college ex. incidentally we had mind blowing passionate sex exactly a week before I took the test. On the day I got my results, he was waiting for me at his house where he had a mini-bash going on with some friends. I was in shock, he wanted me to stay the night and I couldn’t so still in shock I told him. He didn’t talk to me for about six months. He tested HIV- after working up the courage to go gets tested and I was relived. We sort of dated on and off until 2007 when I decided to be ‘purely platonic’

Unknown to me though was that around this time, my friend who accompanied me for the test was telling everyone she could about my new developments. I watched my popularity ratings take a dive, my self esteem following next. All my friends just got busy or mean and the men, who once had an interest, didn’t want to be around me anymore.
See I grew up in the suburbs I am good at smiling even when we are screaming inside. So on the outside I was the perfectly normal okay corporate woman in short skirts and high heels going about her business but on the inside I wanted to explode.

I met Terry at a friends party, she was bubbly, fun and the center of everyone’s attention; everything that I used to be before I turned positive. I somehow-maybe because I wanted some of that light on me- got close to her and before I knew it, I was the wild girl partying too much and meeting strange men all over town and beyond.

Looking back, I don’t even know how I survived; I took a lot of risks with my life. I met guys whose names I didn’t even know in hotel rooms; I drove out of town with them. I used fake names and had about seven email addresses. I didn’t tell them I was HIV+ I just ensured I had condoms with me. All the men I went out with had to be married or in serious relationships (serious live in girlfriends/fiancées); that way we didn’t have to argue about the condoms. I guess it was my subconscious setting up for relationships that I knew wouldn’t work.

I had hit the self- destruct button. All my friends-the true ones- tried to tell me politely that I was tripping but I kept having a reason for what I was doing.
“This is the only way I will have fun.” I defended my action.
“No man will want me if they know so this way is better.” I would argue
“I’m fine, I know what I am doing.” I would reassure them

Terry and i met for after work drinks, I avoided my other friends, the ones that tried to stop me.
So one Thursday a couple of months later I woke up late and hangovered. I didn’t know where I was, a minute later I realized I was in my house, on my bed looking around I saw a used condom. I panicked because I couldn’t remember coming home or meeting anyone, I actually had no recollection of what had happened last night. That did it for me; At that point I had to confront my emotions. As I burst into tears I realized I was angry. I was angry at a lot of thing. Angry at the man who gave me HIV, angry at myself for letting it happen, angry at the men who rejected me, angry at the person I had become and i was scared. Scared that if I finally accepted something wasn’t okay then I will be a lesser person. Scared that I will die before I could achieve any of my dreams, scared at the failure I had become. It didn’t help that I had no one to talk to.

I needed help; whatever form of sanity was welcome so I called my friend K. He listened to me rumble on and on for a while and well; lets just say he watched out for me every day.
I made a pact with myself then not to sleep with married guys ever again. That was two years ago and I am proud of who I have become, I worked on my esteem issues, found self love- it didn’t take a day- more importantly I took all those emotions and energy and turned them into something positive. All these things didn’t happen overnight, they took time and determination on my part to survive.

After the meeting, three girls from the group asked if we could have private sessions, they identified with me they said. Its strange how when you are going through something you think you are the only one in it only to realize you aren’t.
This is a phase, all of us go through, there are those of us who decide to become fanatic church guys, and then there are those ones of us who pick up addictions like sex or drugs or shopping. We don’t talk about it, so we get withdrawn or get defensive every time someone who cares asks if we are okay.
Not all of us have been lucky to go through this process unscathed. A number of us from the group have horrid stories to tell, Jacky kept on drinking and not eating very well, she came down with TB and got to full blown AIDS. It’s been seven years and she is fine now. Nick got a stroke that saw him paralyzed on his left side of the body. After years of recovery process, he is okay and going on with work. Then there are those who passed on.
Trust the process they say, it’s the only way to beat this thing….it helps tones if you aren’t going through the baby steps of this process alone. It helps a great deal.