If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advise for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look at it squarely in the eye and say, “I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.” –Ann Landers.
Last year I met Alice through a long term friend of mine. Afterwards she kept calling and coming to our office because she really wanted to talk to me. I thought that because she was saved and so much into the church she wanted to preach ‘the word’ to me and probably tell me I can get healing if only I got saved and stuff like that. I have met a lot of people who tell me stuff like that or maybe offer herbal medicines that could cure my ‘disease.’ I politely say thank you and smile at their offers of help but believe me most of the time I am seething inside.
I try to avoid such talk as much as I can so for about two months I avoided Alice as much as I could. She was persistent though, so much till I gave in. So we met at my house on 24th of Dec last year. I couldn’t get myself busy so I don’t meet her; we had closed office for the holidays. After talking to her though I felt stupid and wished I had agreed to meet her sooner.
Alice and her fiancé were planning to get married and were about to formalize their engagement. He proposed at the beginning of the year and she had a beautiful ring on her finger. He was getting ready to go and ‘rashia’ (pay dowry) to Alice’s parents but they though it best to go to the VCT for a HIV test.
Antony tested positive for HIV and Alice negative. They weren’t intimate yet even after dating for three years; she wanted to wait till they were married (Alice is a much respected member of her church).
My first reaction to all this was shock. I expected a lecture from the scriptures. Well we talked a lot and have been friend ever since. The guy was devastated at the time and I tried to reassure her that that was normal. I told her about the youth group we intended to start for HIV + youth and asked her to tell him to come. It would help to talk about it I thought.
Three months down the line, Antony who was in his internship year at medical school had been in and out of hospital a number of times because of depression. Alice begged him to come and meet me or any person living with HIV so that he could draw strength from our positive lives and get out of his darkness but he couldn’t hear of it. He started drinking too much. I couldn’t take what this was doing to Alice anymore, it’s like she was HIV+ herself.
I know its hard(been there) at first to learn you are HIV+ but I believe it requires inner strength to get out of the dark hole this news drops you into. The longer you grieve the more you affect those around you. No one wants to be around negative people so you will definitely lose friends, your job and even family not even because they know your HIV+ status.
Alice was in my office yesterday and after our usual chat about everything she goes like,
“By the way my ex passed away.”
“What ex? When?” I ask. I had no idea they had broken up.
“He died on Friday and I think he committed suicide.” She explains.
“I am so sorry.” I say because I wouldn’t even begin to understand what she was going through. We talk for awhile and then I she left.
I am sad for Alice- this is something she wont forget in a while, I am sad for Antony’s family but a large part of me is sad at what Antony may have let himself go through before he decided to end his life. Testing HIV+ is hard. Its probably the hardest thing that ever happened to my life so far, the first few days are confusing and full of pain but as Stephen King once said,
“Time takes it all. Whether you want it or not, time takes it all away, times bares it away; and in the end there is only and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we leave them there again.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD
Last Sunday; 18th May 2008 the HIV world celebrated ‘candle light memorial’.
This is an international event marked every 3rd Sunday of May to remember those of us who have died due to complications of AIDS.
This was my first candle light celebration and, I was in charge of preparing for the event that my organization wanted to take place in Muranga.
So without putting much thought to the fact that I probably lacked experience for this sort of thing, I accepted the challenge sourcing as much information as possible to ensure I didn’t disappoint my boss.
We planed to have a memorial service at a church in Muranga;allow me to digress.
Muranga is home to our children’s home. This foster care is home to children orphaned by AIDS, majority of whom are HIV positive themselves.
I thought it best to have the memorial service there so they will all be able to attend.
Back to Sunday, all of us were up early and we managed to get to Muranga a couple of minutes before ‘our mass’. I was busy taking videos and pictures for the office is sort of went about the mass like an outsider.Besides the service was in Kikuyu and …well I didn’t understand a thing. Right after the service though, when we took over the event, something changed.
We had poems and testimonies from the children and halfway through it I was teary. As those kids narrated their poems I couldn’t help wondering if that would be my son some day.
What I hate most about my HIV status is the fact that if I die, my kid remains an orphan…not a normal orphan but joins the statistics of those kids orphaned by AIDS. I couldn’t stop the tears and as I looked around, most of us were crying too.
Watching the kids was heartbreaking. I just couldn’t stop thinking about my son.I don’t want him crying like this someday…not if I can help it.
I know God is the giver of life and I know I will die someday but if I can help it I will try as much as possible to ensure that my son has the happiest memories of me; even with this virus in my body. I will do as the doctor says; I will light the candle within me and spread its light to as many as I can reach. I will live a very positive life.
We lit candles in memory of those who had left us and wrote our messages on a piece of white cloth.Some wrote messages to their parents, others to their siblings, others yet to their friends. The content of the messages were varied; but one thing was common. We all miss them.
This years message was Never give up, never forget.
This is a two pronged message asking us not to forget those who have gone ahead of us, not to forget all the things we have learnt from HIV&AIDS in our lives, not to forget to protect ourselves from getting the virus and not to give up in the response on the fight against HIV&AIDS.
For me this message is all wrapped up in a song by Chris rice that we all sang as we lit and held high our candles.
GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD-Chris Rice
There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning,some dark and cold
There is a spirit who brings a fire
Ignites a candle, and makes his home
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, confused and torn
And hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
Frustrated brother,
see how he's tried toLight his own candle some other way
See now your sister she's been robbedand lied to
Still holds a candle, without a flame
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn
hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
we are a familyWhose hearts are blazing
So lets raise our candles and light up the sky
Praying to our Father in the name of Jesus
Make us a beacon in darkest times
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, deceived and worn
Hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
You may have not been with us on that day but you can go light your world with the resources you have. Remember we cannot be able to everything but can take pleasure in the little that we do with all our heart and love.
This is an international event marked every 3rd Sunday of May to remember those of us who have died due to complications of AIDS.
This was my first candle light celebration and, I was in charge of preparing for the event that my organization wanted to take place in Muranga.
So without putting much thought to the fact that I probably lacked experience for this sort of thing, I accepted the challenge sourcing as much information as possible to ensure I didn’t disappoint my boss.
We planed to have a memorial service at a church in Muranga;allow me to digress.
Muranga is home to our children’s home. This foster care is home to children orphaned by AIDS, majority of whom are HIV positive themselves.
I thought it best to have the memorial service there so they will all be able to attend.
Back to Sunday, all of us were up early and we managed to get to Muranga a couple of minutes before ‘our mass’. I was busy taking videos and pictures for the office is sort of went about the mass like an outsider.Besides the service was in Kikuyu and …well I didn’t understand a thing. Right after the service though, when we took over the event, something changed.
We had poems and testimonies from the children and halfway through it I was teary. As those kids narrated their poems I couldn’t help wondering if that would be my son some day.
What I hate most about my HIV status is the fact that if I die, my kid remains an orphan…not a normal orphan but joins the statistics of those kids orphaned by AIDS. I couldn’t stop the tears and as I looked around, most of us were crying too.
Watching the kids was heartbreaking. I just couldn’t stop thinking about my son.I don’t want him crying like this someday…not if I can help it.
I know God is the giver of life and I know I will die someday but if I can help it I will try as much as possible to ensure that my son has the happiest memories of me; even with this virus in my body. I will do as the doctor says; I will light the candle within me and spread its light to as many as I can reach. I will live a very positive life.
We lit candles in memory of those who had left us and wrote our messages on a piece of white cloth.Some wrote messages to their parents, others to their siblings, others yet to their friends. The content of the messages were varied; but one thing was common. We all miss them.
This years message was Never give up, never forget.
This is a two pronged message asking us not to forget those who have gone ahead of us, not to forget all the things we have learnt from HIV&AIDS in our lives, not to forget to protect ourselves from getting the virus and not to give up in the response on the fight against HIV&AIDS.
For me this message is all wrapped up in a song by Chris rice that we all sang as we lit and held high our candles.
GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD-Chris Rice
There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning,some dark and cold
There is a spirit who brings a fire
Ignites a candle, and makes his home
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, confused and torn
And hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
Frustrated brother,
see how he's tried toLight his own candle some other way
See now your sister she's been robbedand lied to
Still holds a candle, without a flame
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn
hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
we are a familyWhose hearts are blazing
So lets raise our candles and light up the sky
Praying to our Father in the name of Jesus
Make us a beacon in darkest times
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, deceived and worn
Hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
You may have not been with us on that day but you can go light your world with the resources you have. Remember we cannot be able to everything but can take pleasure in the little that we do with all our heart and love.
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