LETTING GO.

At what point does one let go of all the negative things in their lives and embrace the positive? I ask myself that question every time I meet people who ask for my advice on the various issues affecting them.

Take Jane for instance, she met the guy of her dreams four years ago. They already had wedding plans going on before she discovered she was pregnant and a couple of months later during her antenatal clinic tested positive for HIV.

As soon as her fiancée found out she was HIV positive, he gave her 20,000 bob to abort the foetus and she never heard from him again. Jane carried the pregnancy to term and gave birth to a handsome boy. Jane later lost her job because her boss had found out she was positive.
That’s when she and I met; I was a month old in my office and she had come to cry. Well she did cry and also got milk for her baby after we enrolled her in our program.
A year later, Jane decided to clean up her house and throw away her ex-boyfriends stuff and to her dismay, found clinic papers and receipts from Mbagathi hospital. The papers belonged to her ex and his girlfriend before Jane. And they were dated two months before she and this guy met.

She was crushed when we met that day.
“I will kill him if I set my eyes on him.” She confessed
I was too shocked to say much. I couldn’t believe someone would do something like that….well at the time.
I helped her get counseling to calm her down, but I guess she was angry for a long time. She confronted the guy in the presence of his family and threatened to sue him. Her drama did pay off because she had child support so she was fine.

Jane came to see me sometime last week.
“I need someone to talk to and I don’t have any friend.” She said as she got into my office.
“You are welcome, so what up?” I ask
“I moved in with baba Jeremy.” She starts and I can’t hold my surprise.
“You did what?” I ask
“Its not that I love him or anything like that but I have no choice, I have nowhere to go.” She tries to explain
“Where is Jeremy?” I ask concerned
“He is at home with my mum.” She replies looking relieved.
“So tell me again why you needed to go back to this guy if your son is home?” I ask
This starts a long list of excuses I really don’t agree with. Jane has no job and she had a fight with her auntie so she walked out of her house and went to her ex’s.
“Do you guys have sex? I ask concerned
“Yeah we do.” She replies
“But its not like I enjoy anything, I just do it because I have nowhere to go.” She tries to explain
“Do you use a condom seeing as your guy can’t keep his pants up?” I ask
“Sometimes we don’t, infact I want you to help me see a doc I think I have yeast infection.” She confides.

At this point I almost want to wring her neck myself.
“Jane, are you sure you had no choice other than to go to back to him? Where are your friends? Why didn’t you call any of us?” I ask
“I wish you were back in this guy’s bed because you enjoyed the sex, not because you told yourself you had no other choice.
I of course start a long lecture about everything in life being about choices and then took her to see the doc.

Jane called me at 2pm yesterday; she had been hit by the ex/current guy because she threw tantrums after finding out the guy has another kid who is about four years old.
“You need to know when to let go and move on.” I said as I tried to calm her down. She moved back to her auntie’s yesterday apologetic and stuff.

I keep wondering how many of us hold on to pain, anger, relationships that are doomed, jobs that don’t bring any satisfaction our way but are unwilling to let go? We throw blame at the people we believe gave us HIV and forget we had a part to play in this too. We look for ways to cause them pain but as soon as we do, we realize it’s not worth it.
Or cling to that abusive relationship, or take bullshit from people because we believe we have no other choice. We make excuses like,
“I am in this marriage for the sake of the children.”
“He or she will be destroyed is I left” or
“He/she has to pay for causing me all this pain.”

Sometimes we are too afraid to find out how life would be like if we tried something different, are scared of our own potential; or let people tell us we didn’t have the potential to be anything without them.

I think we ought to realize there are things worth pursuing and those that are better dropped as soon as they stop giving us joy and peace. I came across this sermon by TD Jakes which I believe sums up all I needed to say to Jane or anyone in her shoes.

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.


I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.


When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you,
you can't make them stay.
Let them go.


And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,
it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's
part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.


You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye.
It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye.


It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
and I know whatever God means for me to have
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!


If you are holding on to something
that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves..
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....
LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for you !!!
LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
LET IT GO!!!

LESSONS FROM MY PAST

Time takes it all. Whether you want it or not, time takes it all away, time bears it away…and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we leave them there again- Stephen King

The first support group meeting of the year took place on Saturday and I was happy to see most of the guys back, happy and healthy. Listening to guys talk about their new year’s resolutions was encouraging. As a group we did agree on a number of things we will do this year. Topping the list of course was fun. We were going to have fun. There is nothing to be happy about in the country at the moment what with the drought, our politicians constant bickering and the sky rocketing commodity prices. We aren’t going to let that put us down because we will hold each others hand and spread the cheer.

Ever done something or gone through a phase in your life where you did things you weren’t really proud of? I have. I shocked my self when I shared this with guys from the group,(I just lost face as the near perfect girl who has it all together) I didn’t tell them because I wanted to get stuff out of my ‘closet’, I wanted guys to realize that with the news that one has HIV begins a process in our lives. We will make mistakes, terrible ones but we can seek help or try to change or whatever. So we don’t have to point fingers at each other and think others are fine or not. Sometimes there are those we think are managing okay but contrary to that thought, a lot of us are just as weak.

So this is my confession. Truth be told, the events of this period have been blocked from my mind. They came up on Saturday. That explains why I am surprised I even talked about it. To those who know me: You shall not use this against me when I become famous and run for president in some small unknown country where I shall be a citizen by marriage!!!
Forgive the tangent.

The first boyfriend I ever disclosed my status to was my college ex. incidentally we had mind blowing passionate sex exactly a week before I took the test. On the day I got my results, he was waiting for me at his house where he had a mini-bash going on with some friends. I was in shock, he wanted me to stay the night and I couldn’t so still in shock I told him. He didn’t talk to me for about six months. He tested HIV- after working up the courage to go gets tested and I was relived. We sort of dated on and off until 2007 when I decided to be ‘purely platonic’

Unknown to me though was that around this time, my friend who accompanied me for the test was telling everyone she could about my new developments. I watched my popularity ratings take a dive, my self esteem following next. All my friends just got busy or mean and the men, who once had an interest, didn’t want to be around me anymore.
See I grew up in the suburbs I am good at smiling even when we are screaming inside. So on the outside I was the perfectly normal okay corporate woman in short skirts and high heels going about her business but on the inside I wanted to explode.

I met Terry at a friends party, she was bubbly, fun and the center of everyone’s attention; everything that I used to be before I turned positive. I somehow-maybe because I wanted some of that light on me- got close to her and before I knew it, I was the wild girl partying too much and meeting strange men all over town and beyond.

Looking back, I don’t even know how I survived; I took a lot of risks with my life. I met guys whose names I didn’t even know in hotel rooms; I drove out of town with them. I used fake names and had about seven email addresses. I didn’t tell them I was HIV+ I just ensured I had condoms with me. All the men I went out with had to be married or in serious relationships (serious live in girlfriends/fiancées); that way we didn’t have to argue about the condoms. I guess it was my subconscious setting up for relationships that I knew wouldn’t work.

I had hit the self- destruct button. All my friends-the true ones- tried to tell me politely that I was tripping but I kept having a reason for what I was doing.
“This is the only way I will have fun.” I defended my action.
“No man will want me if they know so this way is better.” I would argue
“I’m fine, I know what I am doing.” I would reassure them

Terry and i met for after work drinks, I avoided my other friends, the ones that tried to stop me.
So one Thursday a couple of months later I woke up late and hangovered. I didn’t know where I was, a minute later I realized I was in my house, on my bed looking around I saw a used condom. I panicked because I couldn’t remember coming home or meeting anyone, I actually had no recollection of what had happened last night. That did it for me; At that point I had to confront my emotions. As I burst into tears I realized I was angry. I was angry at a lot of thing. Angry at the man who gave me HIV, angry at myself for letting it happen, angry at the men who rejected me, angry at the person I had become and i was scared. Scared that if I finally accepted something wasn’t okay then I will be a lesser person. Scared that I will die before I could achieve any of my dreams, scared at the failure I had become. It didn’t help that I had no one to talk to.

I needed help; whatever form of sanity was welcome so I called my friend K. He listened to me rumble on and on for a while and well; lets just say he watched out for me every day.
I made a pact with myself then not to sleep with married guys ever again. That was two years ago and I am proud of who I have become, I worked on my esteem issues, found self love- it didn’t take a day- more importantly I took all those emotions and energy and turned them into something positive. All these things didn’t happen overnight, they took time and determination on my part to survive.

After the meeting, three girls from the group asked if we could have private sessions, they identified with me they said. Its strange how when you are going through something you think you are the only one in it only to realize you aren’t.
This is a phase, all of us go through, there are those of us who decide to become fanatic church guys, and then there are those ones of us who pick up addictions like sex or drugs or shopping. We don’t talk about it, so we get withdrawn or get defensive every time someone who cares asks if we are okay.
Not all of us have been lucky to go through this process unscathed. A number of us from the group have horrid stories to tell, Jacky kept on drinking and not eating very well, she came down with TB and got to full blown AIDS. It’s been seven years and she is fine now. Nick got a stroke that saw him paralyzed on his left side of the body. After years of recovery process, he is okay and going on with work. Then there are those who passed on.
Trust the process they say, it’s the only way to beat this thing….it helps tones if you aren’t going through the baby steps of this process alone. It helps a great deal.

FACING HARSH REALITIES…….

Death sucks. Seriously it does. It is also one of those realities I wish I didn’t have to face. I don’t know about you but I fear death. In fact I don’t get it when people talk about being okay with it and the fact that they would be at peace when it happens. I don’t like going to new places and for me this would mean a big change for me.

Five years ago when the VCT counselor told me I had tested positive for HIV, I saw death in her eyes. Like she was thinking to herself
“Oh God she is too young to die.” I was numb for the next like 10minutes, I could see her lips move but I didn’t hear a word she said. All I visualized was me dead, my parents being crashed by it, my dad yelling obscenities about the man who did this to me and the last part of Philly Lutaya’s movie and that mournful song that use to play in it.
Now if you are in my age group, you probably watched this movie in school (early high school) and afterwards got a very scary lecture on how boys are bad and how AIDS kills.

As she handed me my referral letter, she (the counselor) told me that I didn’t have to be afraid because
“If you do as the doctor says, you can live for as long as 10years or more.” This was meant to make me feel better I guess. It didn’t, I actually panicked. I was just 24; I didn’t want to die 10years later!

From then on I have had death thrown to my face more times than I can imagine. I saw it in the faces of my family and friends as soon as they found out. The fear in their eyes was too evident. My parents started calling me every two days to ask how I was doing-before we would go a month or two. My friend Fred didn’t talk to me for almost six months. He later on told me that he didn’t want to watch me die because it would have been too painful for him. One of my friends actually burst into tears saying I was her safety net and if I died where would she go incase her husband walked out of their marriage(they had been trying for a baby and I guess she was just stressed) maybe that’s one of the reasons why I went into my small world and hid there.

Time takes it all away they say, because with time I sort of got immune to the looks. I guess I had waited for some medical drama to occur and two years gone and I not even having as much as a headache sort of did it for me. My family and friends have gotten used to the idea that I am going nowhere anytime soon and at least my parents and I don’t talk every two days.
I did what the doctor said, read the internet for what the doctor didn’t say and with time learnt how to get my groove back. I don’t think about death so much…well until someone I know of, know or met even once passes on.

Yesterday was one such day. I went to a memorial service for a lady I came to know of in October. I felt the need to go for moral support. As I listened to the eulogy and watched everyone cry, I couldn’t help having that feeling; that scary, dark sad feeling that one day I could fall sick and end up dead. It didn’t help that the girl was 25 and having just cleared college had a lot to live for.

I believe this has got a lot to do with me not going to church often but I didn’t quite understand what the pastor meant by “don’t fear death because you are going to rest”
I don’t want to go rest right now; I want to see my son finish school, I want to advance my career, I want to buy a house and have another baby or two, I want to totally get lost in love again and do crazy things.

As I sat in that church yesterday and semi listened to the pastor as I counted all these things I want to do before i go ‘to rest’, it finally dawned to me why testing HIV positive is such a hard thing to go through. You are hit by this huge reality, sometimes at the prime of your age when you have a long ‘to do’ list to go through. And just like that you have to deal with it, the changes it brings to your life, the conscious awareness that something isn’t quite right with your health, the fear that your family, friends, colleagues and the society may treat you differently once they find out and of course death.

Nelson Mandela once said, “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.”
Maybe if I work at it, I could work at the little fears I get whenever I am faced with the harsh reality of death.

BOY ISSUES

Looks like December was the month of Boy issues. I am beginning to understand why Valentines Day falls in February. Boys fuck up in Dec, they are too broke to apologize in January so they buy all the stuff draped in red that’s sold during this crazy day….they have a lot of making up to do.

This month I have listened to various stories of men going AWOL on their wives and girlfriends. Like some bad karma, everyone who wanted to hang out this holiday season had their share of whining to do.

I have just spent the last four hours with my friend Liz. Her boyfriend can’t stop drinking and dangerously driving. He forces her to sit in his car without having her seat belt on; he calls her every hour just to confirm she isn’t with another man, he disrespects her when he is with his friends and keeps going on and on about how she is a corporate woman who has no time for him. Liz is fed up and wants out; she however can’t stand the fact that she will be alone.

“I love him so much.” she moans

“Then why are you dumping him?” I ask surprised

“We are not good for each other, he will kill me.” She explains.

I don’t pretend to understand any of that because sorting men and women issues isn’t really my strong point.

My colleague Trish, shared with me once while we were having a drink just before Christmas,

“I hate him so much I wish he could just get sick and die.” She said of her husband. They are both HIV+.
“The other day he had a cough and I kept wishing it was TB and he would die.” She confessed.

I was mortified. All the alcohol in my system didn’t seem to help. I kept thinking to myself she will kill him. Isn’t that one of the classic movie plots?

Apparently her husband has been drinking too much and embarrassing her.

“As we speak I don’t know how we will pay the rent we have so many debts I don’t even have friends anymore.” She says

That coupled with her husbands insecurities makes Trish wish she wasn’t married to him in the first place.

“How does it feel like sharing a bed with someone you wish dead?” I ask

“You don’t want to know.” She replies smiling. And I totally agree.

During a lunch meet up for the girls in my support group the following day, Denise the only other married girl seemed to ‘feel’ her.

I feel you sister, my husband……” and she gave us her version of how annoying her husband is and how they weren’t even talking to each other at the time.

“I seriously need to get a boyfriend.” Trish says to me and asks that I hook her up. Denise affirms that she feels her and asks us to help.

I don’t really want to be involved so I just smile as the girls offer their advice on where she could find a guy.

“Why get married?” I ask and this sparks a long discussion on how useless and sometimes useful men can be.

My cousin walked out of a four year marriage at the end of last year. Her husband brought women into their house when she was at work or out of town. She couldn’t take it anymore and moved out of town. She got a new job and all seemed to be going on well…or so i thought.

She met another guy who swept her off her feet and clearly her mind too. He suggested a business idea maybe at the heat of the moment.

“I was thinking in terms of the future.” She explains when I ask if she was insane.
I honestly don’t understand how one walks out of a marriage and gets into a serious relationship where the future is a subject of fantasy just a couple of months later. What happened to rebounds and casual sex as one heals? Aaaargh!

Well my cousin took a hefty loan and bought a very nice posh car. A car she can’t even drive because…she doesn’t know how to. She handed it over to the guy to run a car hire business with it.

She hasn’t received any of the monthly payments promised to her since May and seems to accept whatever reasons her ‘man’ gave her. That was until she got an anonymous text message on the morning of Christmas eve.

“I know it’s none of my business but do you know where your car is?” read the text.

“I almost dismissed it as one of those texts from one of his jealous exs,” she confides.

Coincidentally the guy was right beside her in bed so she sought answers from him and wasn’t prepared for the confession.

Apparently the car was impounded in June by some guy because of a 200 thousand debt.

“I know this is painful but just fix it, get some money and pay this guy so you get your car back.” I advise after listening to her go on and on for a while.

She has her car back, and will have to go through a number of months broke to fix her financial mess. I hope she will take sometime off and fix her heart too.

I don’t really know much about how to deal with men and what to do when they are behaving badly. I just know there are some clear-cut boundaries I have promised myself I wouldn’t cross at all.

What I am left wondering every time I see off all these girls is what the point is. I read enough emails from women who would do anything to have a warm body sleeping next to theirs at night. They plead and beg for hook ups.

“It’s okay even if the guy isn’t working; I have enough money for both of us.” Some woman emailed me once.

If they had a chance to listen to these disappointed sisters, wouldn’t they feel relieved…even by an inch, I know I am. What’s the point of getting pregnant with a guy you know very well is shady and you are just screwing to fill in after work hours, what’s the point of getting married to him and then getting irritated when he doesn’t fit in your social life? What’s the point of staying married to him when every night you pray that God grants you a miracle and takes his life? What’s the point really, I would love to know.

Gladly the festive season has come to an end and I bet the girls will have to deal with their husbands trotting back home; tails between their legs, broke as hell and promising to stay home not because they want to but because they are too broke.

Marriage and relationships suck I guess, butthere has to be a reason why these women stay right? There are definitely some good points.
Like there is someone to talk to at the end of the day, throw tantrums at and share bills with. Then there is the assurance of sex whenever you are horny….. There is a point to all this after all.