I was in Nakuru all of last week for work. What surprised me most were the feelings I had just as I got there. I complained about everything, the food, the conference hall, the toilet, everything. I got hit by this realization as I was having lunch, I was homesick. I haven’t used this word ever since I walked out of my boarding school at age 11 to go home for the school holidays.
You see I went to boarding school so young; I was eight. By age 10 I loved the freedom to do as I wished away from my parent’s watchful eye. I could curse and play and be naughty and I f I did my best I wouldn’t be answerable for it because well our guardians had a lot of other children in that school.
Forgive my tangent.
Days don’t seem to be moving, I am doing my best to be busy but I can’t seem to shake this feeling off. I am home sick. So I did what I do best whenever I have feelings like these ones, i wrote down everything I was missing in the hope that once I have it all out, then I will feel better.
This is what I came up with:
I miss my son junior, I miss his pranks, playing with him, yelling at him and curling on the sofa with him as we watch TV.I miss fighting over the TV remote with him, listening to his funny stories about school, his friends and watching him talk to himself as he plays. I miss his smile. He wakes me up every morning and as I open my eyes, the first thing I see is his smile. I miss that.
I miss my sister Maha; I miss her soft talk and laugh as she asks me for money to buy something. I miss her silly mistakes and the reasons they give me to start a lecture and sound like my mum. I miss telling jokes to her and how she is always ready to do stuff for me whenever I am home. Most of all? I miss her food. The girl can make every meal look and taste gourmet.
I miss my sister Deby….Now Debs is Debs.I miss everything about this girl. She is just outright crazy and fills our lives with so much laughter. I miss our jokes, the funny way that we talk imitating papa shirandula. I miss talking in Luo and listening to her sing her heart out…off key by the way. I miss watching her and junior dance in the house. I miss the whole of Debby.
I miss my friends, the fact that they are just miles away, and the evening drinks at our favorite joints. I mostly miss the Monday drink. It’s a chance to meet, catch up, gossip and fight sometimes. But the drink always ensures we are best of friends at the end of it all. I miss the internet chat. I am hooked to the chat; it’s the only way I can catch up with almost all my friends without getting into a ‘mat’ and leaving the comforts of where I work and live.
This may sound seriously lame but I miss my office. I miss the rush of what my work entails, I miss meeting people and at the end of the day helping sort out something that was bugging them it always makes me feel useful at the end of ach day, I miss that.
I guess I just miss my life, the simple things that I probably take for granted everyday.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
TESTING MY SON
A couple of weeks ago, I confronted a fear I have been having for along time now.
I have known my HIV status since 2005. What I have had doubts about since then has been my sons HIV status. I would shrug off all the concerns I had and sometimes put on a brave face and say I am sure he is negative whenever friends and relatives ask.
“I had junior when I was 18years, I am sure I got infected with HIV later on.” I would say sometimes trying so hard to convince myself too.
There is no need to have him tested because he isn't one to get sick frequenly.
“He is fine” my mum would try to reassure me.
The complacent thought flew off my head when last month we admitted a young 19 year old girl in our rescue center. Her mother, a high school teacher gave birth to her while still in college. She later broke up with the child's father and they haven’t met ever since.
Nothing about Mary was different from any child her age, she was'nt sickly, she grew up healthy and okay. Towards the end of last year however, Mary got sick with one ailment after another. Diagnostic HIV test gave positive results confirming fears Mary’s family have had ever since they heard from grapevine that her dad had passed away due to complications of AIDS.
I have been putting off the idea of my son testing for HIV. I actually hate tests….of any kind because with me, they always test positive. One morning though I just snapped and decided to get this over with. I was tired of thinking about it, of being scared of what the results would be, of worrying what I will do in case he turns HIV positive.
“Are you sure you can handle the outcome?” a colleague asked me when I told her about it.
“I don’t know.” I replied
If the results are positive, I will take him home and go out in search of alcohol.” I joked
I went about my day wondering if I had the strength to deal with the outcome of the test. I may sound and look like i have it together most of the time but inside me is a woman who scares very easily. I love my son more than anyone in the world and if his test were to turn positive, then i think a part of me would die.
Junior came to my office after school. I had told him we were going to do a malaria test and get him medication. He has flu or something.
We did the test, the five minutes wait was horrible!I looked at my son smiling at me when i told a joke to distract him. My heart beat fast. I was scared of what my reaction would be. I asked myself a lot of questions and consoled myself.
“We will be fine.” I kept reassuring myself.
“Here are the results Florence, your son is HIV negative.” The nurse told me as she showed me the results.
"You can breath in and out” she continued as I just looked at her in relief.
“I will breath out now because I have been holding my breath all this time.” I replied nearly shouting.
I wanted to scream and jump and do a dance but I couldn’t at the time.
I have had a good nights sleep since then and I am glad I will be having another blessing to count and thank God for.
I have known my HIV status since 2005. What I have had doubts about since then has been my sons HIV status. I would shrug off all the concerns I had and sometimes put on a brave face and say I am sure he is negative whenever friends and relatives ask.
“I had junior when I was 18years, I am sure I got infected with HIV later on.” I would say sometimes trying so hard to convince myself too.
There is no need to have him tested because he isn't one to get sick frequenly.
“He is fine” my mum would try to reassure me.
The complacent thought flew off my head when last month we admitted a young 19 year old girl in our rescue center. Her mother, a high school teacher gave birth to her while still in college. She later broke up with the child's father and they haven’t met ever since.
Nothing about Mary was different from any child her age, she was'nt sickly, she grew up healthy and okay. Towards the end of last year however, Mary got sick with one ailment after another. Diagnostic HIV test gave positive results confirming fears Mary’s family have had ever since they heard from grapevine that her dad had passed away due to complications of AIDS.
I have been putting off the idea of my son testing for HIV. I actually hate tests….of any kind because with me, they always test positive. One morning though I just snapped and decided to get this over with. I was tired of thinking about it, of being scared of what the results would be, of worrying what I will do in case he turns HIV positive.
“Are you sure you can handle the outcome?” a colleague asked me when I told her about it.
“I don’t know.” I replied
If the results are positive, I will take him home and go out in search of alcohol.” I joked
I went about my day wondering if I had the strength to deal with the outcome of the test. I may sound and look like i have it together most of the time but inside me is a woman who scares very easily. I love my son more than anyone in the world and if his test were to turn positive, then i think a part of me would die.
Junior came to my office after school. I had told him we were going to do a malaria test and get him medication. He has flu or something.
We did the test, the five minutes wait was horrible!I looked at my son smiling at me when i told a joke to distract him. My heart beat fast. I was scared of what my reaction would be. I asked myself a lot of questions and consoled myself.
“We will be fine.” I kept reassuring myself.
“Here are the results Florence, your son is HIV negative.” The nurse told me as she showed me the results.
"You can breath in and out” she continued as I just looked at her in relief.
“I will breath out now because I have been holding my breath all this time.” I replied nearly shouting.
I wanted to scream and jump and do a dance but I couldn’t at the time.
I have had a good nights sleep since then and I am glad I will be having another blessing to count and thank God for.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
A PRAYER FOR CATHERINE
Today is probably one of those days i classify as dark. I was woken up by a workmate because one of us was very sick and needed to be rushed to the hospital. It would probably just be any other day because such emergencies are what my work is all about; but today it was my best friend at work. Allow me to digress,
Cathrine has alwyas been the girl i would come to the office to catch up and gossip with, infact every morning before we started work we would take sometime off to chat, gossip, tell each other our dreams and fears, talk about our sex lives....or lack of it. O n the outside we actually had nothig in common, She is the religious straight and good morals girl she even has a post in the childrens ministy in her church and i.....well i am the crazy,risk taker full of guts and a loud mouth. What brought us so close was our status and what we go through at work. and boy werent we close.
At the begining of this year though, Cathrine told me she was expecting. We were happy, had a evening out to toast her new developements. Our hapiness was shortlived because just two days later, her boyfriend of one year walked out on her.
My friend changed from the ussual happy girl to a cry baby daily as she went about her heart break, she turned pale and thin and thinner as weeks went by. I tried....We all tried to help her forget this stupid son of a bitch but i guese some things arent as easy as we want them to be.
HIV and stress dont really work well together, and before long my friend was sick with one ailment after another, popping in as many as 20 tablets a day including her ARV's. She looked so bad i once asked her to terminate the pregnancy. Most of the people did but she wouldnt hear of it.
So i sat and waited, everyday hoping she will get better...that she would not die of this serious need to get a child, a child whose stupid father is married to another woman right now. She is 5 months pregnant now but is always sick and is so thin i dont look forward to seeing her anymore. Is that too bad? she is my friend but she is a constatnt reminder of what this virus can do to me.
Back to today, Cathrine is sick again and as i write this has been rushed to hospital, she had a seisure in the morning. To top it up she could be losing the baby....her water just broke.
I leave for a meeting that i know i wont give my all in just a bit......because i am terribly worried for my friend....terribly mad at her at the same time too......and super angry at her stupid ex.
I am saying a prayer though that everything works okay and i dont lose a friend today....well maybe because i dont trust my self to be strong enough for it.
Say a prayer for Cathrine too.
*Not her real name
Cathrine has alwyas been the girl i would come to the office to catch up and gossip with, infact every morning before we started work we would take sometime off to chat, gossip, tell each other our dreams and fears, talk about our sex lives....or lack of it. O n the outside we actually had nothig in common, She is the religious straight and good morals girl she even has a post in the childrens ministy in her church and i.....well i am the crazy,risk taker full of guts and a loud mouth. What brought us so close was our status and what we go through at work. and boy werent we close.
At the begining of this year though, Cathrine told me she was expecting. We were happy, had a evening out to toast her new developements. Our hapiness was shortlived because just two days later, her boyfriend of one year walked out on her.
My friend changed from the ussual happy girl to a cry baby daily as she went about her heart break, she turned pale and thin and thinner as weeks went by. I tried....We all tried to help her forget this stupid son of a bitch but i guese some things arent as easy as we want them to be.
HIV and stress dont really work well together, and before long my friend was sick with one ailment after another, popping in as many as 20 tablets a day including her ARV's. She looked so bad i once asked her to terminate the pregnancy. Most of the people did but she wouldnt hear of it.
So i sat and waited, everyday hoping she will get better...that she would not die of this serious need to get a child, a child whose stupid father is married to another woman right now. She is 5 months pregnant now but is always sick and is so thin i dont look forward to seeing her anymore. Is that too bad? she is my friend but she is a constatnt reminder of what this virus can do to me.
Back to today, Cathrine is sick again and as i write this has been rushed to hospital, she had a seisure in the morning. To top it up she could be losing the baby....her water just broke.
I leave for a meeting that i know i wont give my all in just a bit......because i am terribly worried for my friend....terribly mad at her at the same time too......and super angry at her stupid ex.
I am saying a prayer though that everything works okay and i dont lose a friend today....well maybe because i dont trust my self to be strong enough for it.
Say a prayer for Cathrine too.
*Not her real name
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