Today I am being such a woman. I am throwing tantrums, feeling insecure, speaking at the top of my voice and I actually tried sneering! Why? I don’t know. All I know is I’m having such a good time doing it.
Speaking of good times, I did turn into a ‘Stella’ last weekend and ‘got my grove back.’ I’m still amazed at what a hermit I have been. I am always busy looking out for other people and between work, my son, my sisters and the long list of sisters in my support group my day is full.
I have no time for anything else.
That was until I got this offer from someone to reach out for strength whenever I needed it.
“Other guys come to you and then you can come dump it one us.” they said. Of course at first I viewed the offer with a lot of skeptism. People normally don’t call me with offers of strength but to ask it from me. After a couple of days i thought to myself "why not?"
I decided to forget everyone and think about me and for a whole week that’s what I did. I was shocked at how much I haven’t done this year. I will not even give a time frame for the sex fast; I haven’t gone out on a date or done any crazy thing this year. We are in October and the most I’ve done is getting wasted with my girlfriends. That’s not very nice.
Took a trip last weekend to find fun and adventure and I found that and more. I enjoyed every moment of someone taking care of me for a change. It was nice not to pick any calls that are HIV+ related for a change, I had fun just hanging out with people who didn’t know who I was and if I had the virus. I totally had fun.
Most of all I discovered what fun it was to be a woman, to listen to someone take charge for a change, even when they aren’t always right. To make plans with someone, To have someone look at me; and not see a 'strong' woman but a 'hot sexy' one. This was the highlight of my weekend.
Glad to know that beneath the tough 'miss have it together' exterior lies a passionate, warm WOMAN!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
TRICKY SITUATIONS.
Mary and I go way back. We both went to the same primary and high school. Her mother was a singe mum and so hot most of us secretly wished she was our mum. Well now that I am fully grown and a single mum I think so highly of her.
Last week I got a call from Mary at night, I didn’t have her number before so when she told me who she was I was excited. “Hie nyako how have you been?” I asked excited
“Flo I need to talk to you.” She replies, no laughter in her voice.
I get that dreadful feeling knowing fully well what this call and meeting is all about. I get these calls everyday but it’s different when it’s someone I know. I ask her to come over the following day.
She did come home on Sunday, she actually woke me up. We close the door to my room and she starts crying. She has been crying since Friday she says as she gives me a piece of paper.
I look at it and it’s the paper that has her results on it. My friend is HIV positive. I let her cry for a while.
“Does your husband know?” I ask
“No, I haven’t told him yet” she replies
“What made you take the test?” I inquire because normally couples are advised to go for couples counseling and then testing.
“I have been so sick in the last three months so my doctor suggested it.” She tells me amid sobs.
Mary is worries at how to tell her husband about her status. I know a lot of women who are in this situation. Most of them fear that the guys will accuse them of being promiscuous, or walk away; some get beaten up both physically and emotionally. This makes most women just go quiet and secretly waste away.
“You have to tell him sweetie,” I try to make her see sense.
“How is your relationship with him?” I ask
“We don’t talk much, he comes home at 2am in the morning and I mostly just sulk.” She says.
“Does he drink?” I ask
“No” she replies and I question what a man who doesn’t drink would be doing out till 2am. Mary doesn’t know, she also doesn’t know exactly what her husband does. He goes out of town for work and can stay away for as long as two weeks.
I insist that she tells her husband however difficult it may be for her. Mary has a child from a previous relationship and is sort of wishing that her husband would just leave.
“I wish he tests negative and then leaves us alone.” She says
“You are just saying that because you are angry.” I say
“No Flo, I was leaving him. My mum insisted I stay but I am so fed up.”
I help Mary to get admission at my clinic on Monday and she calls me to tell me she is fine and will be talking to her husband in a bit. A big part of me was so sure that this will just be a normal case of couples finding out they are both HIV+
I wasn’t prepared for Mary’s call on Wednesday evening. “Flo I am in deep shit.” She says
“Why?” I ask concerned.
“I just came home to find my husbands test results on my dressing table.” She explains
“Ehe?”
“He is HIV negative. How can that be?” she starts to cry again.
“You need to compose your self my dear.” I reply as I explain how normal it is to have discordant couples. I tell her to brace herself because there will be accusations when her husband comes home.
“If you need help talking to me, please let me know okay?” I say. We talk some more and hang up with Mary composed enough.
Later on that night I wondered what I’d do if I was in her shoes. How do you explain to a difficult Luo man how you test HIV+ and he doesn’t after living with him for two years? You need a Houdini act to get out of this one. I definitely don’t want to be in those shoes.
Last week I got a call from Mary at night, I didn’t have her number before so when she told me who she was I was excited. “Hie nyako how have you been?” I asked excited
“Flo I need to talk to you.” She replies, no laughter in her voice.
I get that dreadful feeling knowing fully well what this call and meeting is all about. I get these calls everyday but it’s different when it’s someone I know. I ask her to come over the following day.
She did come home on Sunday, she actually woke me up. We close the door to my room and she starts crying. She has been crying since Friday she says as she gives me a piece of paper.
I look at it and it’s the paper that has her results on it. My friend is HIV positive. I let her cry for a while.
“Does your husband know?” I ask
“No, I haven’t told him yet” she replies
“What made you take the test?” I inquire because normally couples are advised to go for couples counseling and then testing.
“I have been so sick in the last three months so my doctor suggested it.” She tells me amid sobs.
Mary is worries at how to tell her husband about her status. I know a lot of women who are in this situation. Most of them fear that the guys will accuse them of being promiscuous, or walk away; some get beaten up both physically and emotionally. This makes most women just go quiet and secretly waste away.
“You have to tell him sweetie,” I try to make her see sense.
“How is your relationship with him?” I ask
“We don’t talk much, he comes home at 2am in the morning and I mostly just sulk.” She says.
“Does he drink?” I ask
“No” she replies and I question what a man who doesn’t drink would be doing out till 2am. Mary doesn’t know, she also doesn’t know exactly what her husband does. He goes out of town for work and can stay away for as long as two weeks.
I insist that she tells her husband however difficult it may be for her. Mary has a child from a previous relationship and is sort of wishing that her husband would just leave.
“I wish he tests negative and then leaves us alone.” She says
“You are just saying that because you are angry.” I say
“No Flo, I was leaving him. My mum insisted I stay but I am so fed up.”
I help Mary to get admission at my clinic on Monday and she calls me to tell me she is fine and will be talking to her husband in a bit. A big part of me was so sure that this will just be a normal case of couples finding out they are both HIV+
I wasn’t prepared for Mary’s call on Wednesday evening. “Flo I am in deep shit.” She says
“Why?” I ask concerned.
“I just came home to find my husbands test results on my dressing table.” She explains
“Ehe?”
“He is HIV negative. How can that be?” she starts to cry again.
“You need to compose your self my dear.” I reply as I explain how normal it is to have discordant couples. I tell her to brace herself because there will be accusations when her husband comes home.
“If you need help talking to me, please let me know okay?” I say. We talk some more and hang up with Mary composed enough.
Later on that night I wondered what I’d do if I was in her shoes. How do you explain to a difficult Luo man how you test HIV+ and he doesn’t after living with him for two years? You need a Houdini act to get out of this one. I definitely don’t want to be in those shoes.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
MUMMY WHERE IS DADDY.
Every single mother dreads when their children will grow up and ask this question. I am no different.
I have seen my son transition from the young innocent baby who didn’t even know what it means to have a father to a now much grown, smart little guy who knows he deserves explanations on where his father is.
“Mummy how come I don’t have a father?” he asked me one evening when I got home from work. I was shocked, didn’t know what to say for a moment and almost gave my signature answer to all the questions I don’t want to answer
I decided to be honest with him. I have been honest with my son since he came home to me at the beginning of this year; we talk about everything, from HIV, to girls, to the little hairs on his penis. I didn’t want to lie, lose his trust.
“You have a father sweetie,” I try to explain
“Where is he?” he asks
I explain a little about how all babies have mummies and daddies and that I had him when I was very young and in school so his dad and I couldn’t get married. I then tell him that a couple of years later I found out that his dad had passed away.
“You don’t have to feel sad though, he never even saw you.” I say.
“Okay.” He replies without any feelings.
“Can you get me another daddy?” he goes on
“What?” I ask shocked.
“You can find me another daddy can’t you?” he persists.
At this point I have nothing to say. I have been putting off relationships and men from my mind for longer than I can imagine. I just assumed things would stay that way. Most of my time is spent at work or doing stuff to try and pay all my bills and ensure my son and sisters have the best of what they need. Men and daddies don’t quite feature in my plans.
“Why would you want me to look for a dad?” I ask
“Because he will buy me stuff.” He answers after a while
“What stuff would he buy for you that I wouldn’t?” I ask puzzled. He smiles.
I remind him that I buy him everything that he asks me to, well those that make sense for me to buy. I pay all his fees so he doesn’t get asked to go home from school.
“You are the best mummy, other people have dads and mums but they don’t even pay all their fees.” He says and runs off to go play.
I hope this rests for now. I keep having nightmares that my son will get to class four and be asked by his teacher to write a composition titled “tell us about your father.” He would not be able to do his class work and probably throw tantrums. I don’t know how I will deal with that but in the mean time, I’m just going to love him like crazy and hope he is happy and content with that.
I have seen my son transition from the young innocent baby who didn’t even know what it means to have a father to a now much grown, smart little guy who knows he deserves explanations on where his father is.
“Mummy how come I don’t have a father?” he asked me one evening when I got home from work. I was shocked, didn’t know what to say for a moment and almost gave my signature answer to all the questions I don’t want to answer
I decided to be honest with him. I have been honest with my son since he came home to me at the beginning of this year; we talk about everything, from HIV, to girls, to the little hairs on his penis. I didn’t want to lie, lose his trust.
“You have a father sweetie,” I try to explain
“Where is he?” he asks
I explain a little about how all babies have mummies and daddies and that I had him when I was very young and in school so his dad and I couldn’t get married. I then tell him that a couple of years later I found out that his dad had passed away.
“You don’t have to feel sad though, he never even saw you.” I say.
“Okay.” He replies without any feelings.
“Can you get me another daddy?” he goes on
“What?” I ask shocked.
“You can find me another daddy can’t you?” he persists.
At this point I have nothing to say. I have been putting off relationships and men from my mind for longer than I can imagine. I just assumed things would stay that way. Most of my time is spent at work or doing stuff to try and pay all my bills and ensure my son and sisters have the best of what they need. Men and daddies don’t quite feature in my plans.
“Why would you want me to look for a dad?” I ask
“Because he will buy me stuff.” He answers after a while
“What stuff would he buy for you that I wouldn’t?” I ask puzzled. He smiles.
I remind him that I buy him everything that he asks me to, well those that make sense for me to buy. I pay all his fees so he doesn’t get asked to go home from school.
“You are the best mummy, other people have dads and mums but they don’t even pay all their fees.” He says and runs off to go play.
I hope this rests for now. I keep having nightmares that my son will get to class four and be asked by his teacher to write a composition titled “tell us about your father.” He would not be able to do his class work and probably throw tantrums. I don’t know how I will deal with that but in the mean time, I’m just going to love him like crazy and hope he is happy and content with that.
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