My child....my world

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

I met Jane about three months ago when my boss called me to her office.

“Jane is from Kisumu and I believe we need to help her.” she explained.
Apparently Janet had been going through rough patches (she was sick and had just gotten fired at a hospital where she worked as a nurse) and had written a distress letter to my boss who asked her to come in and see her.
She travelled from Kisumu and now didn’t have a place to stay. My boss had decided to give her a volunteer job with us as she regained her health.

Looking at her at the time, I couldn’t help noticing the helpless look on her face. So I reluctantly accepted to take her in. She later on confided in me how on that day she had hit rock bottom and if we didn’t help her she was just going to take poison and feed some to her daughter. I was shocked when she told me that, I have hit my low key moments but I never thought about killing myself before.

My sisters were of course not amused when I broke the news to them,
“Are you sure she will leave at the end of the month?” asked my sister Maha
“You are taking this 'mother Teresa' thing too far sometimes” Admonished my sister Debs.
I was of course panicking for Jane was still sick. She travelled back to get her things and to sort out issues about her 10year old daughter.

She did come back around 2nd of October. Jane spent most of that month sick with one ailment after another. Waking up in the middle of the night because she had serious cramps became the norm. Later on she got hospitalized and after about a week she got better. Jane did get a house and moved in with a cousin she met during our support group meeting.

She has regained her strength and has now been employed in our clinic as one of the nurses. She is good at what she does and seems to be doing fine. I guess that’s the reason why she brought her daughter to Nairobi.
“I am school hunting for her and every academy seems to have crazy fee structures.” She joked
“Welcome to my world dear.” I joked back

Two days after her daughter got to Nairobi, Jane decided to have her tested for HIV. She didn’t have reason to suspect her girl had HIV because she isn’t one prone to illnesses. Being a nurse, she believed she could take whatever the results were. " i was so sure she will test negative." she later on confided.
That however wasn’t the reaction she had when she got the results. Her daughter had tested HIV+.
She was crushed. So crushed we had to take her daughter away from her for a couple of hours.

I couldn’t stop having ‘what if’ thoughts. I just had junior tested a few months ago. What if the results were positive? How would I have dealt with it? would i have been strong about it? its crazy how there is such a thin line between testing positive and negative. Its heartwrenching when the person bearing the positive results is your baby girl or boy.

As we all gathered around her telling her it will be okay and that she could take it. I knew she will need a lot of counseling to get through the next couple of days. She has to accept that her daughter has a delicate health system, the clinic visits and probable medications.

She has to deal with the fact that now she knows for sure when she got infected. Most of us always put this question out of our minds just so we don’t have to look for someone to be angry at. Then she has to deal with her HIV- boyfriend who may probably not be able to take it.
Life's a bitch they say.

APPRECIATED SILENCE

I know very well there are a bunch of us who are glad they got through 1^st Dec.

World AIDS day is marked all over the world and to some of us. On this day, we create awareness on the issues around HIV&AIDS as well as ask for everyones involvement especially the government in ending this pandemic.

This however, is a day some of us wish we wouldn’t be aware of. There are those of us who are definitely struggling with the blows this virus has had in our lives, struggling with the lies and stories we make up to avoid disclosure.

Somehow, the week preceding this date and maybe a couple more after don’t make it easy for us. What with all those stories about the current statistics, the calls for tests and yet again the opinions of people; some who sometimes have no idea at all about what living with this virus is all about fills our eyes and ears. I am a liaison of sorts in my office and therefore plan for all the media interviews and documentaries. This is the time that they visit our office the most. Not a bad thing because I believe the world needs to know there are people living with this virus and going on with their lives.

What surprises me are the kinds of questions they ask sometimes. One is left wondering where these guys have been in the last year or so.

“So tell me, how you feel living with AIDS.” One reporter asked me as I was setting up interviews for him with some of our members.

After a few seconds of psychobabbles I snub the serious need to lash out. So I decide to educate.

“First of all I am living with HIV.” I calmly say

“Secondly I don’t feel any different from you.” I wake up, come to work, kick butt, don’t settle for less and stay happy.” I go on.

On World AIDS day, I was in charge of our event at one of our centers in Soweto; one of the informal settlements in Kayole. I honestly had a busy day and I guess most of my phone messages went unanswered. This one did get my full attention though

“Hallo.Congrats 4 managing 2 stay strong and beautiful with the HIV virus; Keep it up happy AIDS day.”

First of all, I believe my friend had every good intention as she sent this message but all I felt was anger. Happy AIDS Day!!!

What is happy about having to live with this virus? I mean it’s not like its valentines day and we need to send text messages round. What next? We will have red ribbon mugs on sale and World AIDS day offers of products during Dec 1^st?

I shared this text with some friends from my group and they had some crazy ones to show.

“I am thinking about you during this day. Happy worlds AIDS day.” Read one

“On this day may you find strength and renewed hope to fight on to reach your star and be an inspiration to others, Happy World AIDS Day.”

Most of the people who got these text messages weren’t amused. Some of them just like me decided to ignore them, other definitely spent some time crying about it. This is not a happy day for any person living with HIV. For some of us it’s the day that we have to confront this virus. We wish we could call in sick and not go to work. But we fight that horrible feeling and put on the fake smile and make it there anyway. We keep the smile on as much as we are screaming inside when our colleagues talk about nothing else but HIV&AIDS on that day. Getting such text messages from friends seals the box of one of the most horrible day.

There are those occasions that call for silence. This is one of them. There is nothing you can do or say on this day that would be deemed right. Believe me I know. “I am sorry.” Is irritating,

“I am thinking about you.” May work after I die so double irritating and “happy world AIDS day” is definitely infuriating.

My advice? If you have a friend living with HIV; don’t text on this day. You can make phone calls and talk about general things or have a fun thing planned out, without necessarily looking like it’s supposed to make up for them living with this virus. Anything that would take your pals mind away from this day and what it means to their life is welcome. If they want to talk about the day and how affected they are by everything then just be there to listen.

That aside, I am glad that the world has become tolerant; the reduction of stigma and discrimination is a key indicator. I hope that this will enable more people test for the virus. This is the only sure way to prevent more infections.