My child....my world

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

I met Jane about three months ago when my boss called me to her office.

“Jane is from Kisumu and I believe we need to help her.” she explained.
Apparently Janet had been going through rough patches (she was sick and had just gotten fired at a hospital where she worked as a nurse) and had written a distress letter to my boss who asked her to come in and see her.
She travelled from Kisumu and now didn’t have a place to stay. My boss had decided to give her a volunteer job with us as she regained her health.

Looking at her at the time, I couldn’t help noticing the helpless look on her face. So I reluctantly accepted to take her in. She later on confided in me how on that day she had hit rock bottom and if we didn’t help her she was just going to take poison and feed some to her daughter. I was shocked when she told me that, I have hit my low key moments but I never thought about killing myself before.

My sisters were of course not amused when I broke the news to them,
“Are you sure she will leave at the end of the month?” asked my sister Maha
“You are taking this 'mother Teresa' thing too far sometimes” Admonished my sister Debs.
I was of course panicking for Jane was still sick. She travelled back to get her things and to sort out issues about her 10year old daughter.

She did come back around 2nd of October. Jane spent most of that month sick with one ailment after another. Waking up in the middle of the night because she had serious cramps became the norm. Later on she got hospitalized and after about a week she got better. Jane did get a house and moved in with a cousin she met during our support group meeting.

She has regained her strength and has now been employed in our clinic as one of the nurses. She is good at what she does and seems to be doing fine. I guess that’s the reason why she brought her daughter to Nairobi.
“I am school hunting for her and every academy seems to have crazy fee structures.” She joked
“Welcome to my world dear.” I joked back

Two days after her daughter got to Nairobi, Jane decided to have her tested for HIV. She didn’t have reason to suspect her girl had HIV because she isn’t one prone to illnesses. Being a nurse, she believed she could take whatever the results were. " i was so sure she will test negative." she later on confided.
That however wasn’t the reaction she had when she got the results. Her daughter had tested HIV+.
She was crushed. So crushed we had to take her daughter away from her for a couple of hours.

I couldn’t stop having ‘what if’ thoughts. I just had junior tested a few months ago. What if the results were positive? How would I have dealt with it? would i have been strong about it? its crazy how there is such a thin line between testing positive and negative. Its heartwrenching when the person bearing the positive results is your baby girl or boy.

As we all gathered around her telling her it will be okay and that she could take it. I knew she will need a lot of counseling to get through the next couple of days. She has to accept that her daughter has a delicate health system, the clinic visits and probable medications.

She has to deal with the fact that now she knows for sure when she got infected. Most of us always put this question out of our minds just so we don’t have to look for someone to be angry at. Then she has to deal with her HIV- boyfriend who may probably not be able to take it.
Life's a bitch they say.

APPRECIATED SILENCE

I know very well there are a bunch of us who are glad they got through 1^st Dec.

World AIDS day is marked all over the world and to some of us. On this day, we create awareness on the issues around HIV&AIDS as well as ask for everyones involvement especially the government in ending this pandemic.

This however, is a day some of us wish we wouldn’t be aware of. There are those of us who are definitely struggling with the blows this virus has had in our lives, struggling with the lies and stories we make up to avoid disclosure.

Somehow, the week preceding this date and maybe a couple more after don’t make it easy for us. What with all those stories about the current statistics, the calls for tests and yet again the opinions of people; some who sometimes have no idea at all about what living with this virus is all about fills our eyes and ears. I am a liaison of sorts in my office and therefore plan for all the media interviews and documentaries. This is the time that they visit our office the most. Not a bad thing because I believe the world needs to know there are people living with this virus and going on with their lives.

What surprises me are the kinds of questions they ask sometimes. One is left wondering where these guys have been in the last year or so.

“So tell me, how you feel living with AIDS.” One reporter asked me as I was setting up interviews for him with some of our members.

After a few seconds of psychobabbles I snub the serious need to lash out. So I decide to educate.

“First of all I am living with HIV.” I calmly say

“Secondly I don’t feel any different from you.” I wake up, come to work, kick butt, don’t settle for less and stay happy.” I go on.

On World AIDS day, I was in charge of our event at one of our centers in Soweto; one of the informal settlements in Kayole. I honestly had a busy day and I guess most of my phone messages went unanswered. This one did get my full attention though

“Hallo.Congrats 4 managing 2 stay strong and beautiful with the HIV virus; Keep it up happy AIDS day.”

First of all, I believe my friend had every good intention as she sent this message but all I felt was anger. Happy AIDS Day!!!

What is happy about having to live with this virus? I mean it’s not like its valentines day and we need to send text messages round. What next? We will have red ribbon mugs on sale and World AIDS day offers of products during Dec 1^st?

I shared this text with some friends from my group and they had some crazy ones to show.

“I am thinking about you during this day. Happy worlds AIDS day.” Read one

“On this day may you find strength and renewed hope to fight on to reach your star and be an inspiration to others, Happy World AIDS Day.”

Most of the people who got these text messages weren’t amused. Some of them just like me decided to ignore them, other definitely spent some time crying about it. This is not a happy day for any person living with HIV. For some of us it’s the day that we have to confront this virus. We wish we could call in sick and not go to work. But we fight that horrible feeling and put on the fake smile and make it there anyway. We keep the smile on as much as we are screaming inside when our colleagues talk about nothing else but HIV&AIDS on that day. Getting such text messages from friends seals the box of one of the most horrible day.

There are those occasions that call for silence. This is one of them. There is nothing you can do or say on this day that would be deemed right. Believe me I know. “I am sorry.” Is irritating,

“I am thinking about you.” May work after I die so double irritating and “happy world AIDS day” is definitely infuriating.

My advice? If you have a friend living with HIV; don’t text on this day. You can make phone calls and talk about general things or have a fun thing planned out, without necessarily looking like it’s supposed to make up for them living with this virus. Anything that would take your pals mind away from this day and what it means to their life is welcome. If they want to talk about the day and how affected they are by everything then just be there to listen.

That aside, I am glad that the world has become tolerant; the reduction of stigma and discrimination is a key indicator. I hope that this will enable more people test for the virus. This is the only sure way to prevent more infections.

UNBELIEVABLE WOMEN:

I have been around enough jerks in my short life that I believe nothing about a man can shock me. Women? Not so much. I have more guy friends than I have women friends so I never really know much about what they are capable of. So that explains why I am honestly shocked by this particular woman.

My friend Mike and I go a long way back. The guy has been with me through mud and dirt, he is a nice guy….well not in every sense, he has a number of bad boy habits to his ratings but in general he is a nice guy. He is cute too. Tall and dark and his chest!!(I’m the chest girl) I mean, I’d probably be dating him if he didn’t get into the friendship basket.

Mike came over for a visit yesterday. He wanted us to go have a drink, I was tempted to say yes but I have an irritating cough that I need to get rid of before the weekend so I can’t drink. We stay home to catch up and for next hour or so my friend talks about nothing else but his girlfriend Fiona.

Fiona and Mike have been dating for two years now. She lives in Mombasa. Mike works and stays in Nairobi. Mike pays for the house she stays in, started a salon business for her and apparently has been making lifelong plans with her. She was to be his wife, mother of his kids and he trusted that their love would take all the challenges of the long distance relationship.
That wasn’t to be for as we sat in my house drinking coffee, Fiona was getting married to some Rich business man at the South coast.

Okay I have been around heartbroken women, I know the drill, we meet up a couple of friends for support then head to the ‘victims house’. We would call the bastard names, perhaps trying to convince our friend that she is better off without him. Binge on chocolate, ice cream, or wine as we rip off the bastard’s clothes and pictures. Sometimes we’d listen to ‘girl power.’ songs like ‘heartbreak hotel by witney Houston. Breakup parties are weird but fun. This is (on most occasions) the time that you get sooooo high and kiss the girl next to you. Perfectly normal seeing as we are hating on men the whole night (I read that from the net)

I however do not know how to deal with a heartbroken man, we can’t call this woman names because he thinks he understands why she chose the other guy over him. : I think he has more money than I do and well he is closer to her.” He tries rationalizing her actions
“Maybe I should have visited her more often.” He goes on. I want to scream. I am of course not allowed to say anything even as profanities build up in my head. So i nod and pretend to understand.

Crap! I don’t understand how a woman I met in October for three weeks, lived with my friend for three weeks, made plans with him for three weeks; goes off and gets married to some other guy a week later needs to be excused. That’s a mad woman. I don’t care if the guy is Donald trump or if his sex is great. There are afew things about being a polished and refined woman. And those are the women men need to marry. I am a bad girl but even I know the limits.
Women of grace don’t behave that way. Women of grace break up with guy number one then date guy number two. That way there are no issues when you decide to marry him.

Unless of course from the word go it’s clear to both of you that the relationship is about sex and fun. Then that’s a whole different script. That’s why they are called ‘open relationships’….there are no rules.
A small part of me feels sad for Mike, a big part is relieved he didn’t end up with this woman. God knows what levels of betrayal she is capable of. I am kind of sorry for ‘Coasto Donald trump’. I will bet alcohol for the next year that this guy will be raising a kid or two that aren’t his. And that my friend is why you shouldn’t marry a woman without a conscience!

*Names have been changed.

MUMMY NEVER SAID THERE WILL BE DAYS LIKE THIS

My mum, I must admit prepared me for every worse case scenario this world would throw at my feet. After all she took me to boarding school at age seven and from that early age I did learn how to fend for myself, to fight for the little resources available and to make myself heard. I mean I knew from a very early age that I couldn't physically fight, most of the girls I got into fights with always left me crying like a baby and wishing I was at home under the comforts of my daddy’s obsessive care. So I learnt how to fight with my words and my brains. Used to work perfectly fine…still does.

I believe my up bringing has made me the open minded person that I am today. Like I don’t think I shock easily at people’s revelations. I don’t sneer at what the society considers ‘immoral’. In fact I totally believe in freedom of expression. So long as what you are doing doesn’t hurt me or someone else then well you are free to indulge in it. What I tell people all the time is whatever choices we make come will a whole basket of responsibilities.

Something interesting did happen today. I am actually left wondering where I range in the ‘open minded people index’.

I got a visit from some lady today afternoon. Very pretty girl by the way. She wanted someone to talk to about HIV and stuff like that. We close the door to my office and chit chat about HIV and the need to go for the test and create awareness on the issue.

“You must take the test very often.” She says

“Why would you think that?’ I ask

“Because you work here and have access to the testing site all the time.” She replies laughing.

“Well, I don’t go for the test often, I went for it once and didn't need to do it again.” I reply.

Then we talk about me and HIV for a while. Grace (that’s what we will call her) tells me she would like to volunteer with us.

I tell her about our volunteer policy and that we don’t take people in the last quarter of the year because normally we are too busy to train people.

“How about you bring us your papers and we cal you first thing next year.” I suggest.

I notice she is getting uncomfortable and ask why. I wish I didn't ask because I don’t think anything prepared me for Grace’s revelation

Grace is a guy. As in completely dude dick, hairy chest and all. He just likes to dress up like a woman and be one. The closest I have been to some woman trapped in a guy’s body in on Tyra banks show. I didn't know what to say and for a moment I just kept staring at him/her.

He is a final year student and would really like for an opportunity to do his internship with us. He has been to other organizations but no one wants him there. He chose to come to us because he knows we fight stigma and discrimination.

“Please bring your papers tomorrow and lets see how we can help.” I say when I find my voice.

I honestly don’t know how best I will be of help to this guy; I don’t even know if I could. One things for sure. No one told me there would be a day like this!

I'M EVERY WOMAN............

Today I am being such a woman. I am throwing tantrums, feeling insecure, speaking at the top of my voice and I actually tried sneering! Why? I don’t know. All I know is I’m having such a good time doing it.

Speaking of good times, I did turn into a ‘Stella’ last weekend and ‘got my grove back.’ I’m still amazed at what a hermit I have been. I am always busy looking out for other people and between work, my son, my sisters and the long list of sisters in my support group my day is full.
I have no time for anything else.

That was until I got this offer from someone to reach out for strength whenever I needed it.
“Other guys come to you and then you can come dump it one us.” they said. Of course at first I viewed the offer with a lot of skeptism. People normally don’t call me with offers of strength but to ask it from me. After a couple of days i thought to myself "why not?"

I decided to forget everyone and think about me and for a whole week that’s what I did. I was shocked at how much I haven’t done this year. I will not even give a time frame for the sex fast; I haven’t gone out on a date or done any crazy thing this year. We are in October and the most I’ve done is getting wasted with my girlfriends. That’s not very nice.

Took a trip last weekend to find fun and adventure and I found that and more. I enjoyed every moment of someone taking care of me for a change. It was nice not to pick any calls that are HIV+ related for a change, I had fun just hanging out with people who didn’t know who I was and if I had the virus. I totally had fun.

Most of all I discovered what fun it was to be a woman, to listen to someone take charge for a change, even when they aren’t always right. To make plans with someone, To have someone look at me; and not see a 'strong' woman but a 'hot sexy' one. This was the highlight of my weekend.
Glad to know that beneath the tough 'miss have it together' exterior lies a passionate, warm WOMAN!

TRICKY SITUATIONS.

Mary and I go way back. We both went to the same primary and high school. Her mother was a singe mum and so hot most of us secretly wished she was our mum. Well now that I am fully grown and a single mum I think so highly of her.

Last week I got a call from Mary at night, I didn’t have her number before so when she told me who she was I was excited. “Hie nyako how have you been?” I asked excited
“Flo I need to talk to you.” She replies, no laughter in her voice.
I get that dreadful feeling knowing fully well what this call and meeting is all about. I get these calls everyday but it’s different when it’s someone I know. I ask her to come over the following day.

She did come home on Sunday, she actually woke me up. We close the door to my room and she starts crying. She has been crying since Friday she says as she gives me a piece of paper.
I look at it and it’s the paper that has her results on it. My friend is HIV positive. I let her cry for a while.
“Does your husband know?” I ask
“No, I haven’t told him yet” she replies
“What made you take the test?” I inquire because normally couples are advised to go for couples counseling and then testing.
“I have been so sick in the last three months so my doctor suggested it.” She tells me amid sobs.
Mary is worries at how to tell her husband about her status. I know a lot of women who are in this situation. Most of them fear that the guys will accuse them of being promiscuous, or walk away; some get beaten up both physically and emotionally. This makes most women just go quiet and secretly waste away.

“You have to tell him sweetie,” I try to make her see sense.
“How is your relationship with him?” I ask
“We don’t talk much, he comes home at 2am in the morning and I mostly just sulk.” She says.
“Does he drink?” I ask
“No” she replies and I question what a man who doesn’t drink would be doing out till 2am. Mary doesn’t know, she also doesn’t know exactly what her husband does. He goes out of town for work and can stay away for as long as two weeks.

I insist that she tells her husband however difficult it may be for her. Mary has a child from a previous relationship and is sort of wishing that her husband would just leave.
“I wish he tests negative and then leaves us alone.” She says
“You are just saying that because you are angry.” I say
“No Flo, I was leaving him. My mum insisted I stay but I am so fed up.”

I help Mary to get admission at my clinic on Monday and she calls me to tell me she is fine and will be talking to her husband in a bit. A big part of me was so sure that this will just be a normal case of couples finding out they are both HIV+

I wasn’t prepared for Mary’s call on Wednesday evening. “Flo I am in deep shit.” She says
“Why?” I ask concerned.
“I just came home to find my husbands test results on my dressing table.” She explains
“Ehe?”
“He is HIV negative. How can that be?” she starts to cry again.
“You need to compose your self my dear.” I reply as I explain how normal it is to have discordant couples. I tell her to brace herself because there will be accusations when her husband comes home.
“If you need help talking to me, please let me know okay?” I say. We talk some more and hang up with Mary composed enough.

Later on that night I wondered what I’d do if I was in her shoes. How do you explain to a difficult Luo man how you test HIV+ and he doesn’t after living with him for two years? You need a Houdini act to get out of this one. I definitely don’t want to be in those shoes.

MUMMY WHERE IS DADDY.

Every single mother dreads when their children will grow up and ask this question. I am no different.
I have seen my son transition from the young innocent baby who didn’t even know what it means to have a father to a now much grown, smart little guy who knows he deserves explanations on where his father is.
“Mummy how come I don’t have a father?” he asked me one evening when I got home from work. I was shocked, didn’t know what to say for a moment and almost gave my signature answer to all the questions I don’t want to answer

I decided to be honest with him. I have been honest with my son since he came home to me at the beginning of this year; we talk about everything, from HIV, to girls, to the little hairs on his penis. I didn’t want to lie, lose his trust.
“You have a father sweetie,” I try to explain
“Where is he?” he asks
I explain a little about how all babies have mummies and daddies and that I had him when I was very young and in school so his dad and I couldn’t get married. I then tell him that a couple of years later I found out that his dad had passed away.
“You don’t have to feel sad though, he never even saw you.” I say.
“Okay.” He replies without any feelings.
“Can you get me another daddy?” he goes on
“What?” I ask shocked.
“You can find me another daddy can’t you?” he persists.

At this point I have nothing to say. I have been putting off relationships and men from my mind for longer than I can imagine. I just assumed things would stay that way. Most of my time is spent at work or doing stuff to try and pay all my bills and ensure my son and sisters have the best of what they need. Men and daddies don’t quite feature in my plans.

“Why would you want me to look for a dad?” I ask
“Because he will buy me stuff.” He answers after a while
“What stuff would he buy for you that I wouldn’t?” I ask puzzled. He smiles.
I remind him that I buy him everything that he asks me to, well those that make sense for me to buy. I pay all his fees so he doesn’t get asked to go home from school.
“You are the best mummy, other people have dads and mums but they don’t even pay all their fees.” He says and runs off to go play.

I hope this rests for now. I keep having nightmares that my son will get to class four and be asked by his teacher to write a composition titled “tell us about your father.” He would not be able to do his class work and probably throw tantrums. I don’t know how I will deal with that but in the mean time, I’m just going to love him like crazy and hope he is happy and content with that.

RELIGIOUS OR HUMAN

"I have no doubt about it that [if] Jesus were here today, he'd be hanging out with people who have HIV/AIDS," he said on CNN. "There's no doubt in my mind about that because they are the lepers of the 21st century." Rick Warren, pastor and author of The Purpose-Driven Life.

I don’t frequent the church and have often wondered why i am lethargic most Sundays. I went to Boarding school so young, and this being a catholic school we were expected to be up early to attend morning mass. I was seven years at the time; I didn’t understand why we had to wake up so early or why we had to chant prayers every evening before bed. Before long, I viewed going to church as one of the boring school activities and sometimes punishment.
Every time I could go confess my sins, depending on how big or small they were(that is what I thought at the time) I would be asked to say as many as 50hail Mary’s to seek penance for my sins. Out of school and everything that was routine. Well once in a while I would religiously go to church but then at some point wasn’t so enthusiastic about it.

I am not a saint, I tell that to people all the time, in fact I clarify that I am not very religious. I have a relationship with God (though I know some will argue that this isn’t possible if I don’t go to church) and I have hope and faith. I believe in doing Good things to people, giving hope and being able to sleep at night knowing very well I put a smile on someone’s face.
I think this is the reason I am surrounded by friends who are religious (Saved) and even hold positions of office in their various churches. We respect each others opinion and that works just fine. One of these people is Catherine. Allow me to Digress

I wrote about Catherine a couple of Months ago. She was so sick at the time and we all thought she would die. Catherine was pregnant and dumped by the father of her baby. She stressed about it and got so sick she was in and out of hospital. Well she did have her baby-prematurely. She lost the baby five days later and was so devastated. She is okay now and going through counseling to help her cope with her loses.

Catherine and I have long talks all the time. Any person living with this virus openly will tell you how much talking about our issues head on is therapeutic. So today Catherine wanted to talk and as I let her into my office and closed the door, I saw tears in her eyes. I expected her to talk about the baby or her stupid ex but that’s not what is bugging her today.
Catherine feels pained by the actions or lack of them from her church through out her darkest and lowest moment. She confided in her ‘cell leader’ about being pregnant and the man leaving her.

“I could see from her eyes that she wasn’t happy.” she sadly remembers. After a lot of soul-searching and of course tears Catherine stepped down from her position in the church. “I didn’t want them to tell me to step down.” She says
“Last Sunday when I went to church, my cell members were all greeting me full of smiles and telling me they are sorry about me being sick.” Catherine has tears in her eyes now.

All Catherine would silently ask herself was “what did you guys do when you found out I was sick?” no body mentioned about her baby and I guess this was a taboo topic of discussion.
A long lecture from her cell leader is what’s bugging my friend the most. This leader believes that Catherine isn’t sick for no reason but because “she left Gods path and was being punished for it.” Then she implied that the baby dying was sort of justified because this wasn’t God’s child. God’s children are born within marriages I guess.

I am not religious but I know damn well what being human is. I guess most of what the religious books that we read (regardless of our religions) do is to teach us how to be humane. Being humane asks this of us; to be kindhearted and compassionate and loving. It’s empathizing with someone and offering a helping hand even if that person is a total stranger.

I don’t know what happens in cell groups but I guess it wouldn’t be different from what happens in my support group. People meeting once in a while to learn from each other and constantly watch out for each other. Catherine has been in this church for close to a decade and she doesn’t even get a text message to acknowledge her pain. How mean are these people?

I have seen this girl go through worse times in the last few months. This is the time she needed all her friends. I have seen all of us (most who don’t even go to any church) do everything in our power to get her all the help (medical or otherwise) that she needs.
We rejoiced with her when her baby was born. We offered our shoulders for her to cry when the baby passed on. Called and sent messages to give her support, to let her know she would pull through. We urged her to pick up the pieces of her heart that were so messed up and move on.
I wonder how hard it was for these people who share a spiritual bond with Catherine to even send a text message. Even one that says, “We are praying for your quick recovery.”

Most of all I wonder why people act so perfect when they have lives full of imperfections. If Jesus were in Catherine’s ‘cell’ is that how he would have treated her? Pretend nothing was going on when she was sick and later pass on judgment to justify why he wasn’t there for her in time of need?

The few times I have been in church I hear us tell each other how much Jesus loved us and how we should love each other in the same way. What does this mean?
Are we Christians because we go to church or are we Christians because we practice the teachings of Jesus? I honestly would like to know.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ALONE. (Safaricom peer educators launch)

No matter how small and unimportant what we are doing may seem, if we do it well, it may soon become the step that will lead us to better things.

Ladies and Gentlemen; good afternoon.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share with you on this day. On behalf of KENWA, I would like to congratulate you on the launch of the peer educators program. This is evidently a way of Safaricom’s response to the fight against HIV and better living for all staff.

I stand before you in two capacities. First, as an employee of KENWA.
Secondly I stand here as a young woman living with HIV.
As a person living with HIV, the glass ceiling is a barrier that I’m forced to stare at everyday. It helps a lot to have an enabling environment for people like me and those affected by this virus to be able to live their productive lives.
I agree that in the recent past, PLHIV have made great strides in the attainment of fundamental rights; CSO’s have worked tirelessly to fight stigma & discrimination for PLHIV; but we can’t afford to pause. Not yet.

We need to educate people about ways of HIV prevention and management. To do so, we need an environment that is supportive to PLHIV and to everyone so that they are able to talk about HIV&AIDS issues. This enabling environment is what the peer educators program brings to this organization.

Four years ago I was just a normal girl having just graduated and getting into the job market. A chance visit to the VCT (I was actually taking a friend) had me dealing with my HIV+ Status.
The first question I asked the VCT counselor after she broke the news to me was “will I ever get a good job?”
Then, I was – according to the powers that be – a failure. In a system where success is measured by what job one gets after graduation, the size of one’s bank account and a negative HIV status, I was a letdown to my family and society. This ladies and gentlemen saw me lose my self esteem as days went by. I didn’t want to meet my friends or anyone I was in college with. I believed that they would think I deserve everything or say mean things about me. I sank into the shadows with every passing day

Looking back, I realize that – for the past 4 years – I have learnt so much from the school of “life”. I have learnt how to survive stigma and discrimination; I have discovered the value of simple things in life. I live a very positive life; I have confidence in my self. I know who I am and I am comfortable with that. I have discovered though painfully that there is more to me than being HIV+. I am human, a woman with all the needs any woman would have. I don’t need to lose my sexuality or my independence because society thinks so.

I am not afraid to reach out and realize my full potential. I have learnt to say clearly what I want and how I want it. (In the bedroom this is a plus quality. ask any man). With HIV each passing day is a learning experience. I had my fourth year anniversary on 10th of this month. I am not on medication, I haven’t been so sick I didn’t go to work. My last CD4 count was 791. I don’t have a magic life ladies and gentlemen, I live my life as normal as I can and just stay bubbly and happy. I am Lucky but mostly I am glad I found out about my status early enough.

When I tested positive I was literally shoved in to the deepest of ends. I had two options; sink or swim. At the time, I didn’t know of any young person living with this virus I could compare my life to. I knew of Asunta but well she was way over there age wise.
I wanted someone to tell me what to do incase a guy asks for my number, or what to do incase my friends ask why I’m not my usual self. I wanted someone to tell me I can still dress up, look hot and not necessarily feel like the devils advocate. I was alone and afraid. My friends were there for me; the ones who didn’t run off but they weren’t in my shoes.

I believe that, in the course of our lives, we are faced with these two tough options; sink or swim. There’s no in-between. And it’s even harder when you are HIV positive because, at times, fear – within and without –rules a big part of our lives. For example: “Will I be hired?” Will I ever date again, get married, and have a child?” Can I still meet my friends for fun or movies?’” “Will they still want to be friends once they find out?”
Testing HIV positive isn’t an easy thing, it spells doom and failure and no one in their prime age wants to be associated with this. The stigma and discrimination associated with the disease doesn’t help much.

For those of us who chose to swim against the tides of HIV-related anger, denial and prejudice, the going hasn’t been easy. What we need to realize is that even in the midst of trouble, illnesses or heartbreak, you can rise to the occasion. Asunta tells us all the time that “there is an opportunity in everything that goes on in our lives, even the disasters…especially the disasters.”

It is impossible for you to control the behavior of others but very easy to control your response to it. In dealing with stigma just realize that those who reject, hurt, betray or belittle you only ever have as much power as you give them.
I know I’m talking to someone in this meeting today. I am not asking for you to raise your hand up and shout “I have HIV.” I am telling you are not alone. There are so many people going through the same fears and challenges. You can’t beat this thing alone. Find a support system in say your friends or family or a support group. This helps a lot especially psychologically.

I was invited to speak on a number of issues in regards to HIV and the youth. The youth is a diversified group with each group requiring different messages.
Being young is awesome and fun. You have very little or no responsibilities. You want to fit into certain circles of friendships and as much as you won’t want to believe this, there is so much peer pressure even at this age. For some of us this is that age where we want to meet that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. For others, this is the time to experiment and discover our self hence the orgies and bi-relationships. We all know what I am talking about.
We are always scared of changing that ‘fun spot’ we would rather die than face the HIV reality. This has made us a little careless or complacent where our sexual health is concerned.

I am not here to squash the fun part. I love fun; I have fun as much as anyone. It’s different when you make informed choices while you are at it.
Often when I go out for a drink with my friends, I find a guy or two who would like to take me home. I know we do all this sometimes, go out have fun and get ‘some’ from a random person we just met. Sometimes it’s that guy/chick you flirted with through out the party and asked out on a couple of dates. I just wonder if we ever ask them about their HIV status.

In my experience this topic never comes up. But just out of curiosity if they are indeed HIV positive what would we do? Food for thought.
Friends lets take responsibility for our sexual health. I hear a lot of stories from people (I have since become an aunty dolly of sorts) and what is sickening is how much we take for granted. Some girl once told me,
“He asked for us to use the condom and I said no. the condoms were sitting right there and I said no.” why? Because he didn’t have “the look”. She got HIV from this very guy.
I know of people who haven’t told their partners of their HIV+status. I know how easy it is to point fingers at them and call them evil. Having been there I will tell you how hard it is to disclose ones status to a potential lover. You have to go through rejection and for some women violence. Who wants that?

I have always wondered at what point of dating that one discusses things like “honey I have herpes or HIV.” Or “I had gonorrhea last year but I got treated.” That is why I will keep repeating this,
If you (think) are old enough to have sex then please have discussions about it, ensure you make informed choices while you are at it. If you can’t then please just abstain.

Most people still think they can pick out someone with HIV. Friends, there is no HIV look. There are no behaviors’ attributed to HIV either. Don’t think it’s the girl/guy seated in the bar drinking a soda or juice. You have to hang out with some guys from my office or support group to see what I mean.
To be safe, please just take care and take responsibility for your actions.

Ladies; (I don’t know about men) We often put up with a lot of things in the relationships we are in and when it finally comes to an end we sit down and call men names as we take in the ice-cream or do the alcohol binge. Girls, we need to stop and realize that everything that happens to us is as much our responsibility. This isn’t the era of naiveté. Take responsibility for the choices you make or that affect your life.

Women have continuously born the brunt of HIV&AIDS. This is because of factors such as our socioeconomic setup, our patriarchal system which makes most women dependent on men.
If I was giving this speech in Mathare then I would ask for measures to ensure the women are economically empowered to be able to be independent and negotiate for safer sex.
This however may not be a message for the women here.

Times are changing and women have proven they can be as good in almost any field professionally. What hasn’t changed though is our perception. To me this is one reason why the gender issues aren’t well addressed or articulated.

We should ask ourselves this; what do you tell a working woman who is economically able to do so as to have safe sex? What kind of empowerment is necessary? Is it capacities in terms of building esteem? Or creating knowledge on their rights? That aside,
I wonder why to date women still make/feel having a condom available is a man’s responsibility.
I wonder how many women have condoms in their bags. When you meet that random guy say after your 5th drink, what happens if none of you has a condom? A girl friend of mine got pregnant at the start of this year from a fling; she told me that the ones the guy had run out. Wouldn’t we be talking a different story if she had some with her?
Let me confess. I always have some with me for when the ‘craving strikes.’ Believe me this is the best form of sexual liberation; being able to discuss what I want before I hop into bed.

The female physiological make up makes us twice more vulnerable to HIV infection compared to men. It also makes us potentially able to know about our HIV status before our male partners. We go to the hospital more often (gynecological/paediatric issues). Most of the time this has seen most women blamed for HIV infections. This is why KENWA has special bias programs that are women empowering.

The recent KAIS reports the prevalence of HIV between people aged 15-49 is 12% for women and 7.5% for men.
This calls for more action by all of us to ensure infection rates go down. We need to build esteems for women and girls Normally when one isn’t confident about who they are, are depressed or have issues like body image, or peer pressure, they are vulnerable to doing things just to please their partners. Empower women and girls to know their rights, create awareness on myths and misconceptions about issues that affect women for example issues on violence against women and girls. We need to create an enabling environment for women and girls to be able to explore their full potential. This means getting the men and women together on board as we plan and implement our programs.

Speaking of the KIAS report, out of the 1.4million HIV infected Kenyans, 83% of them don’t know they are infected. These are the people we have random naughty nights with ladies and gentlemen. HIV aside, there are STI’s potentially in your lovers body waiting to get to you.

Treatment for PLHIV or any other ailment needs planning and support. HIV&AIDS treatment requires a plan that has in place strategies to ensure the client is taken care of all round. (Emotionally, physically, spiritually and economically) You may need to come up with referral strategies for the various services that you may not be able to offer. Having partnerships and working hand in hand with organizations helps a lot. The key thing is as you set out to encourage prevention of HIV infections and possible increase of VCT uptake. You need a plan for those who will find out they are HIV positive.

Ladies and gentlemen lets not forget to use what we have at our disposal to respond to the fight against HIV. Through ICT (information communication technology) we can be able to bridge distance and other logistical barriers in a cost effective way that will build knowledge and create awareness on issues of HIV&AIDS. The use of blogs, websites and interactive forums like MySpace or facebook are an easy way to get to the population that is your workforce.

Friends, like I said earlier, it isn’t easy for one to disclose their status. For one to do so there has to be a supportive environment for them to be in. What this program needs is a role model that people can look up to. This is Kenya and looking up to people is our way of life.

KENWA is ready to work in partnership with you especially in supporting living positively for PLHIV. Living positively with HIV requires the input of everyone around you; nutritionist, gynecologist, pharmacist, counselor, pastor, family, friends, doctor and a support group.

I know that some of you are living in silence; but that doesn’t mean that you can’t live positively. If disclosure isn’t your cup of coffee, you can still hold your head up in silent defiance. Don’t let anything or anyone limit your dreams.
please know that my arms are wide open; my ears are accessible; and that my shoulders still have enough space for one more hurting person. This is 2008, not 1987. You don’t have to be alone. Together, we can walk the next mile.

Thank you.

FACE OF HIV

Last week I was in class with a bunch of nurses and medical practitioners. I am pursuing a diploma course on HIV&AIDS management.

This short course is for managers and it is meant to build their capacities to enable them design Home based care (HBC) programs for their hospitals and health facilities. It is a nine week on job training.

I complained of boredom the whole week. Every one in this class was older than I am, happily married with children and didn’t seem to understand why I am a single mum.
“You say you have a son?” one woman asked me during breaks. “Yeah, he turns nine sometime this week.” I proudly reply.
“So what have you been doing all this time?” she asks and I blankly look at her
“How come you are not married all this time?” She insists.
“Because I have been doing what people my age do; play around.” I reply and wait for the shock on her face.

I missed my office and I missed open minded company so much I was glad we got to the end of the week. During our lesson on human rights, we are told that every person(HIV+/-) has a right to marry and found a family. And it has to be in that order. I question whether this is the ideal anymore. Everyone looks at me like i landed from soddom. Seriously seeing as most of HIV infections take plave through "non ideal situation" i think its would be detrimental to bury our heads in the sand.

You see I was in class with people who still viewed HIV as something very far away from their door step. My first day in this class was so emotional I almost walked out, only one person in class knew of my HIV+ status so actually felt whatever it is I was going through listening to these guys answer questions and make comments.

There is always that rule in these classes that ensures we respect each others opinion; this made me shut my mouth. Last week however I must have protested so much I think stepped on a lot of toes.

As we covered the topic on Stigma and discrimination, our tutor maybe trying to emphasize her point on how people sometimes discriminate PLHIV without their knowledge asked us a question.
“Who amongst you would employ a HIV+ house help?” she asked.

One woman carries up her hand, and tells us she wouldn’t mind but she heard from someone that there was this woman who employed a self confessed HIV+ house help. Apparently this girl would cook the family meal and put her period in it. At this point I go like…What?
Before I could recover from that, someone else carries up their hand and wants to share her experience. She was looking for a house help and told everyone in her office. Her colleague introduces her to one of their clients who is HIV+. She interviews the girl and she is okay for the job.
She feels it’s necessary to inform her husband and so calls him.
“I called my husband and told him I already found a good girl, the only problem is that she is HIV+.” Her husband totally refuses to hire this girl.

That did it for me. I had my hand up and gave a very emotional reaction to those two women’s contribution. I actually felt myself trembling with rage.
Did these people know they were talking about people with feelings and emotions? Or once you are HIV+ its okay for people to hand down whatever judgment they saw fit about how safe you are as a person living in their houses.

I thought of Susan, the girl in my Support group whose brother stopped paying her college fees because according to him, she wasn’t going to live long enough to reap from her college education. Weren’t those situations similar to some extent?

These women work in Comprehensive Care Center (Centers in hospital that are specific for HIV&AIDS treatment and management).
I asked whether they knew the modes of transmission of HIV and if they knew, that cooked period was harmless. I mean if all of us were to find out what it is our house helps put in our food we’d collapse.
Seriously most of these young girls are overworked and treated so bad I wouldn’t be surprised if they spit on every meal they cook.

Someone interjects and gives her story,
“I heard of this one house girl whose employer looked through her phone and found nude photos of her on her bed.”
I was mortified. “How come it’s okay for people to take nude photos but a serious health and moral threat for a HIV+ person to do It.?” I ask.
Is it a bad thing to take nude photos? Or does it become bad when a HIV+ person does it. Does ones HIV+ status define them or their character?
First and foremost that was invasion of privacy, that woman had no right to go through this girl’s phone or judge her.
I also don’t advocate for people living with HIV to be given jobs out of pity but because they are competent for the jobs and deserve the chance to prove it.

After class one woman comes to me and compliments me for the passion I have for people living with HIV. She talks to me for about five minutes and I realize this woman has no idea that I am HIV+. She goes on and on about how much she would like to be passionate about issues of HIV&AIDS as much as she is –ve and wonders what would help. I was speechless.
Funny thing though, through out my arguments I kept using myself as a point of reference, I used a lot of “As a person living with HIV I think this or that,” or “We don’t need pity we need space.” And all this time no one ever thought that I was HIV+.

Towards the end of the week I figured out why. People still think they can pick out the “HIV look”. I don’t have the look so I am okay.
Its sad really that with all the awareness programs in place, people still expect HIV+ people to have a distinctive look, and live in some social class setting and not to be bright enough to articulate issues.
It’s mortifying when these people are health practitioners. This thought makes a lot of us be so complacent.

One thing is for sure, if we are to get this message across then we need to double up our efforts. People need to know these truths. That There is no ‘face of HIV’ and HIV doesn’t define anyone.

KENYA AIDS INDICATOR SURVEY (KAIS)

Some people live and learn, and some only live.

Wise people learn from their mistakes, wiser people learn from other people's mistakes.-


I don’t like statistics; not that I undermine the need for it. Its just that every time I hear this word in relation to HIV, I get too emotional.

So the KAIS report was released last week and its findings left Kenyans talking about nothing else but HIV for about a week now. I have done numerous interviews and answered a number of emails and phone calls from people who wanted my organizations opinion on the findings of the report.

I did my research, listened to few other people’s responses to check that they were in line with what I really felt was good enough to talk about and once I was sure we were speaking the same language echoed what every other HIV organization or activist said on the matter.

You know statistics tell you a lot of stuff like the number of people infected; the number of people infected but don’t know their status or the number of people accessing treatment and lots of other issues.

What statistics doesn’t tell you though, is the pain and suffering of a person living with the Virus and has AIDS, or the emotional turmoil of one who just discovered they have HIV or the pain and suffering of the family members who watch their loved ones waste away and die or even the pain the orphans go through once their parents are gone. Statistics don’t tell you this or the positive stories of those who spent up to a year sick in bed and regained their health. This is what we deal with everyday; very little justice is done to this aspect of HIV.

I heard about the KAIS report on the news and the first reaction I had was sadness. The shift in prevalence from 5.1 to 7.4 was for me too high. For a moment there I thought
“Oh God there are more people going to walk in our shoes.” You see I have lived with HIV enough to stop dwelling on the negative and I go about telling people how living positively really helps, but believe me I wouldn’t wish this virus even on my worst enemy.

What struck me about the report though was the number of people who tested HIV+ even after insisting they were not. These people make up the number of Kenyans walking on our streets that don’t know their status, aren’t seeking treatment and are potential partners to some non suspecting person.

Just as expected, some fingers started pointing at People Living with HIV (PLHIV). Most of the interactive radio shows had the survey as a topic of discussion and people had so much to say.
“These people are the ones who are infecting others” one person called into one radio station.
“Yeah they are given medicine so they don’t look thin anymore.” Another caller echoed
“They need to be tagged so we can identify them” yet another caller
“I feel these people need to be put in camps separate from all of us.” Yet another caller.
I believe in respect of ones opinions but I won’t lie that these didn’t disgust me.
Every week I get emails or talk to a lot of PLHIV. Most of them confess to me that they haven’t disclosed their HIV+ status to their spouses, families, friends or even colleagues at work. I wonder what these callers would have the same opinion if they found out that those going to the camps or getting the tags would be their wives, husbands, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers or friends.

I will not try to justify or talk for all the PLHIV. What I know though is that when you test HIV+ and seek treatment, you are counseled and advised on the need to have protected sexual contact. You are given tips on how not to infect your partner, what to do incase of possible exposure like seek treatment for PEP (Post Exposure Prophylaxis). But that’s not the only reason we decide to use the rubber as much as some of us hate the damn thing, it’s because it protects us too. We are educated on the risks of secondary or re-infections (getting infected with another strain of the virus). There are some of us who take these advices seriously.

We talked about these responses in the support group. Guess what? All of us want our relatives and friends to know our HIV+ status. But you see the stigma discrimination and the social injustices that are associated with PLHIV make us go into hiding or stay in the shadows.

If declaring my status means I lose my job, my social standing in the community, lose my family and friend and worst of all my dignity; then why would I want to tell? Before the society accepts that HIV is a viral condition that can be managed. Before they stop calling us ‘these people’ like we are from a different planet then no one will disclose their status. This is a potential risk for more infections by the way.

I wonder why someone thinks we need to be tagged so they can identify us. If I met you at say a party and you found me attractive enough to do ‘you know what’, why do you think its not your responsibility to take care of you health. I think we all need to stop pointing fingers and start taking responsibility for our own actions. This isn’t the era of naiveté. In this age and time; every adult is responsible for their own sexual health. If you aren’t responsible enough then please Abstain.

Most people are deciding not to know their status because they feel safe in the ignorance. “What I don’t know will not hurt me.” My friend once told me when I asked her to go for the test. “I’ll wait to get sick first.” She went on.
This attitude accounts for the 57% of Kenyans who have never tested for HIV and the 26% of those who insist they know they are HIV- but have HIV+ results when tested.

These findings should be a wake up call for the Government, Civil society organizations and all stakeholders to look into their programs and find out what we aren’t doing best or what new things or strategies can we formulate.
It’s not a time to forget the gains we have made so far but to learn from what we have been doing and to improve on the areas we haven’t done very well.

I heard someone on radio say
“For every one person we put on treatment, there are two more people getting infected.” Having even one person on treatment is a gain. But we need to ensure that as we put people on treatment, we don’t have any new infections.

We need to scale up our prevention programs. Make our Behaviors Change Communication (BCC) consistent, Scale up our VCT uptake by having more mobile VCT’s and reaching out to as many vulnerable groups as we can without prejudice.

This coupled with positive prevention (prevention of infection by those who already know their status) and Meaningful involvement of people living with HIV&AIDS (MIPA) just might reduce these rates.

HOME SICK

I was in Nakuru all of last week for work. What surprised me most were the feelings I had just as I got there. I complained about everything, the food, the conference hall, the toilet, everything. I got hit by this realization as I was having lunch, I was homesick. I haven’t used this word ever since I walked out of my boarding school at age 11 to go home for the school holidays.
You see I went to boarding school so young; I was eight. By age 10 I loved the freedom to do as I wished away from my parent’s watchful eye. I could curse and play and be naughty and I f I did my best I wouldn’t be answerable for it because well our guardians had a lot of other children in that school.
Forgive my tangent.

Days don’t seem to be moving, I am doing my best to be busy but I can’t seem to shake this feeling off. I am home sick. So I did what I do best whenever I have feelings like these ones, i wrote down everything I was missing in the hope that once I have it all out, then I will feel better.
This is what I came up with:

I miss my son junior, I miss his pranks, playing with him, yelling at him and curling on the sofa with him as we watch TV.I miss fighting over the TV remote with him, listening to his funny stories about school, his friends and watching him talk to himself as he plays. I miss his smile. He wakes me up every morning and as I open my eyes, the first thing I see is his smile. I miss that.

I miss my sister Maha; I miss her soft talk and laugh as she asks me for money to buy something. I miss her silly mistakes and the reasons they give me to start a lecture and sound like my mum. I miss telling jokes to her and how she is always ready to do stuff for me whenever I am home. Most of all? I miss her food. The girl can make every meal look and taste gourmet.

I miss my sister Deby….Now Debs is Debs.I miss everything about this girl. She is just outright crazy and fills our lives with so much laughter. I miss our jokes, the funny way that we talk imitating papa shirandula. I miss talking in Luo and listening to her sing her heart out…off key by the way. I miss watching her and junior dance in the house. I miss the whole of Debby.

I miss my friends, the fact that they are just miles away, and the evening drinks at our favorite joints. I mostly miss the Monday drink. It’s a chance to meet, catch up, gossip and fight sometimes. But the drink always ensures we are best of friends at the end of it all. I miss the internet chat. I am hooked to the chat; it’s the only way I can catch up with almost all my friends without getting into a ‘mat’ and leaving the comforts of where I work and live.


This may sound seriously lame but I miss my office. I miss the rush of what my work entails, I miss meeting people and at the end of the day helping sort out something that was bugging them it always makes me feel useful at the end of ach day, I miss that.

I guess I just miss my life, the simple things that I probably take for granted everyday.

TESTING MY SON

A couple of weeks ago, I confronted a fear I have been having for along time now.

I have known my HIV status since 2005. What I have had doubts about since then has been my sons HIV status. I would shrug off all the concerns I had and sometimes put on a brave face and say I am sure he is negative whenever friends and relatives ask.
“I had junior when I was 18years, I am sure I got infected with HIV later on.” I would say sometimes trying so hard to convince myself too.
There is no need to have him tested because he isn't one to get sick frequenly.
“He is fine” my mum would try to reassure me.

The complacent thought flew off my head when last month we admitted a young 19 year old girl in our rescue center. Her mother, a high school teacher gave birth to her while still in college. She later broke up with the child's father and they haven’t met ever since.

Nothing about Mary was different from any child her age, she was'nt sickly, she grew up healthy and okay. Towards the end of last year however, Mary got sick with one ailment after another. Diagnostic HIV test gave positive results confirming fears Mary’s family have had ever since they heard from grapevine that her dad had passed away due to complications of AIDS.

I have been putting off the idea of my son testing for HIV. I actually hate tests….of any kind because with me, they always test positive. One morning though I just snapped and decided to get this over with. I was tired of thinking about it, of being scared of what the results would be, of worrying what I will do in case he turns HIV positive.

“Are you sure you can handle the outcome?” a colleague asked me when I told her about it.
“I don’t know.” I replied
If the results are positive, I will take him home and go out in search of alcohol.” I joked

I went about my day wondering if I had the strength to deal with the outcome of the test. I may sound and look like i have it together most of the time but inside me is a woman who scares very easily. I love my son more than anyone in the world and if his test were to turn positive, then i think a part of me would die.

Junior came to my office after school. I had told him we were going to do a malaria test and get him medication. He has flu or something.

We did the test, the five minutes wait was horrible!I looked at my son smiling at me when i told a joke to distract him. My heart beat fast. I was scared of what my reaction would be. I asked myself a lot of questions and consoled myself.
“We will be fine.” I kept reassuring myself.
“Here are the results Florence, your son is HIV negative.” The nurse told me as she showed me the results.
"You can breath in and out” she continued as I just looked at her in relief.
“I will breath out now because I have been holding my breath all this time.” I replied nearly shouting.
I wanted to scream and jump and do a dance but I couldn’t at the time.

I have had a good nights sleep since then and I am glad I will be having another blessing to count and thank God for.

A PRAYER FOR CATHERINE

Today is probably one of those days i classify as dark. I was woken up by a workmate because one of us was very sick and needed to be rushed to the hospital. It would probably just be any other day because such emergencies are what my work is all about; but today it was my best friend at work. Allow me to digress,

Cathrine has alwyas been the girl i would come to the office to catch up and gossip with, infact every morning before we started work we would take sometime off to chat, gossip, tell each other our dreams and fears, talk about our sex lives....or lack of it. O n the outside we actually had nothig in common, She is the religious straight and good morals girl she even has a post in the childrens ministy in her church and i.....well i am the crazy,risk taker full of guts and a loud mouth. What brought us so close was our status and what we go through at work. and boy werent we close.

At the begining of this year though, Cathrine told me she was expecting. We were happy, had a evening out to toast her new developements. Our hapiness was shortlived because just two days later, her boyfriend of one year walked out on her.

My friend changed from the ussual happy girl to a cry baby daily as she went about her heart break, she turned pale and thin and thinner as weeks went by. I tried....We all tried to help her forget this stupid son of a bitch but i guese some things arent as easy as we want them to be.

HIV and stress dont really work well together, and before long my friend was sick with one ailment after another, popping in as many as 20 tablets a day including her ARV's. She looked so bad i once asked her to terminate the pregnancy. Most of the people did but she wouldnt hear of it.
So i sat and waited, everyday hoping she will get better...that she would not die of this serious need to get a child, a child whose stupid father is married to another woman right now. She is 5 months pregnant now but is always sick and is so thin i dont look forward to seeing her anymore. Is that too bad? she is my friend but she is a constatnt reminder of what this virus can do to me.

Back to today, Cathrine is sick again and as i write this has been rushed to hospital, she had a seisure in the morning. To top it up she could be losing the baby....her water just broke.

I leave for a meeting that i know i wont give my all in just a bit......because i am terribly worried for my friend....terribly mad at her at the same time too......and super angry at her stupid ex.
I am saying a prayer though that everything works okay and i dont lose a friend today....well maybe because i dont trust my self to be strong enough for it.
Say a prayer for Cathrine too.
*Not her real name

BUYING TIME Vs LIVING LIFE.

One Saturday every month I go for a group meeting with a bunch of HIV positive guys like me. The group that I helped start had about 9 people on the first day and has been growing ever since. It’s sort of like an AA (alcohol anonymous) meeting where we all come together to talk about issues related to HIV that we go through as well as educate each other.

I haven’t been a fun of support groups because the few I went to before weren’t exciting, I am not a fun of sad stories either and I sort of felt the members there were dwelling more on what had happened rather than what they could do now that they are HIV positive.
Our meeting is fun I look forward to it every month. We encourage each other to have fun, be healthy, kick butt and be productive. I think since it’s specially tailored for the youth, this works just fine.

So Saturday we had our June meeting and on record 24 people attended. I was so proud of me. I started this group, I was scared that I would end up in it alone with the two people who help me facilitate the meetings but 4 months down the line we have 24 people meeting to talk and be friends? Awesome.

Issues of discussions range from fun, dating and relationships to children, families, parenting and work. We let our guards down and talk about our fears and we disclose stuff that would make our friends scream. Actually for most of the people in the group this is the only time they can be real. Because their friends, workmates or relatives don’t know they are HIV positive.

This Saturday we had an interesting and heated discussion on why people who aren’t on medication yet should religiously take septrin. Let me go off on a tangent,
This is my fourth year with this virus, I am not on medication and aside from a cold whenever everyone has one I am fine. I haven’t ever been so sick I was hospitalized or didn’t wake up to go to work. I am lucky I guess and I am not taking any septrins.

Every time I go for my clinic visit, my doctor and I have this discussion about the need for me to take septrins and I keep refusing. He goes on and on about how the drug helps keep infections away….to which I silently go like I haven’t ever been sick anyway. My CD4 has always ranged between 621-800 I think I am fine. I hate medicines, of every kind. I don’t finish doses, its only recently that I started taking my antibiotics medication seriously and that was because my face was so acne infested and I was trying to get better. What I tell myself and the doctor all the time is I will eat well and stay happy and when my immunity gets low I will start on my ARV’s I don’t want to take any medications in between unless I am treating something.

I got to face the septrin issue at the meeting yesterday when the ‘pro septrin’ guys came up strongly to defend their case.
“Septrin is a prophylaxis that helps keep infections like pneumonia away.” one member said. “Whaaaaaaat?”
That got my attention. Okay there are about three opportunistic infections related to HIV that scare me T.B(and this is so bad I don’t even hang out in filled up joints), pneumonia(I have seen two friends get this and get hospitalized) and Herpes( the pain……I don’t think I can stand all that pain). I pray to God everyday to keep these diseases away from me.
So the mention of pneumonia got me so scared Iam actually thinking of taking the damn tablet, but I still have my reservations.

One of the reasons why I don’t want the drug is because once in while I will go clubbing and take a drink. Sometimes…. i take one drink too many. I wouldn’t want to mix that with alcohol; in fact I wouldn’t want to mix any meds with alcohol at all.
“I take my septrins till Thursday and go off till Sunday.” Another member said.
“No that’s wrong, you shouldn’t break off taking the medication blab bla bla……’ and the discussion went on and on.

Something came out clear for me in that meeting, as much as we all had something in common, we were totally different in our ways of dealing with it.
There are some of us who believe they are ‘buying time.’ Everyday they live with this virus. Then there are some of us who are ‘living life’. We are aware of what this virus can do, try our level best to do what is right to stay healthy but have decided to live life like everyday was our last; drawing every positive thing out of it, shaking off or shrugging all the negative energy. Then there are those that don’t give a rats ass about anything at all (I see a lot of these people at my office) they just want to die. A small issue like popping a 500 mg tablet everyday will not bring out the same views by all these three groups.

“Everyday you wake up the first thing you think about is I have HIV and you just bought more time” one member said.
I wanted to differ with her but I stopped because that’s how life is for her.

That’s not what I think everyday when I wake up. I don’t go about my business telling myself I have HIV so I will do this or that….actually I am more driven by what useful things I will do that day. We are all going to die someday and not necessarily due to complications of AIDS. So the buying time thingy doesn’t hold water for me.
We all see things differently like for example someone probably thinks they are walking around with a disease and are scared to even put on make up and go have fun, or take risks like having a baby or going for that new promotion because for them life stopped at the HIV+ verdict and the rest of it is 'extra time' as they wait for death. For others this is time to catch up on all life has to offer.

Whatever our differences in opinion, one thing is common, we all have the virus and we all want to live for as long as we want. I tell people all the time that there isn’t any manual for living with this virus. You just have to 'fine tune stuff' one day at a time and in a couple of years know what works for you.
Whenever someone asks what special thing I do to stay this healthy, i tell them I laugh. Sincerely I am not on any diet at all, I don’t do anything special, and I want my life to be as normal as any other person my age. I just stay happy and laugh out a lot even at my own problems (which I have started viewing as opportunities).I believe laughter is the best medicine and I indulge in it a lot.
I believe in living my life to full potential….more like eating the ice-cream before it melts away. That has worked for me. Whatever situation you are in. Find what works for you.

LOST IN THE SHADOWS

If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advise for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look at it squarely in the eye and say, “I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.” –Ann Landers.

Last year I met Alice through a long term friend of mine. Afterwards she kept calling and coming to our office because she really wanted to talk to me. I thought that because she was saved and so much into the church she wanted to preach ‘the word’ to me and probably tell me I can get healing if only I got saved and stuff like that. I have met a lot of people who tell me stuff like that or maybe offer herbal medicines that could cure my ‘disease.’ I politely say thank you and smile at their offers of help but believe me most of the time I am seething inside.

I try to avoid such talk as much as I can so for about two months I avoided Alice as much as I could. She was persistent though, so much till I gave in. So we met at my house on 24th of Dec last year. I couldn’t get myself busy so I don’t meet her; we had closed office for the holidays. After talking to her though I felt stupid and wished I had agreed to meet her sooner.

Alice and her fiancé were planning to get married and were about to formalize their engagement. He proposed at the beginning of the year and she had a beautiful ring on her finger. He was getting ready to go and ‘rashia’ (pay dowry) to Alice’s parents but they though it best to go to the VCT for a HIV test.
Antony tested positive for HIV and Alice negative. They weren’t intimate yet even after dating for three years; she wanted to wait till they were married (Alice is a much respected member of her church).
My first reaction to all this was shock. I expected a lecture from the scriptures. Well we talked a lot and have been friend ever since. The guy was devastated at the time and I tried to reassure her that that was normal. I told her about the youth group we intended to start for HIV + youth and asked her to tell him to come. It would help to talk about it I thought.

Three months down the line, Antony who was in his internship year at medical school had been in and out of hospital a number of times because of depression. Alice begged him to come and meet me or any person living with HIV so that he could draw strength from our positive lives and get out of his darkness but he couldn’t hear of it. He started drinking too much. I couldn’t take what this was doing to Alice anymore, it’s like she was HIV+ herself.
I know its hard(been there) at first to learn you are HIV+ but I believe it requires inner strength to get out of the dark hole this news drops you into. The longer you grieve the more you affect those around you. No one wants to be around negative people so you will definitely lose friends, your job and even family not even because they know your HIV+ status.

Alice was in my office yesterday and after our usual chat about everything she goes like,
“By the way my ex passed away.”
“What ex? When?” I ask. I had no idea they had broken up.
“He died on Friday and I think he committed suicide.” She explains.
“I am so sorry.” I say because I wouldn’t even begin to understand what she was going through. We talk for awhile and then I she left.

I am sad for Alice- this is something she wont forget in a while, I am sad for Antony’s family but a large part of me is sad at what Antony may have let himself go through before he decided to end his life. Testing HIV+ is hard. Its probably the hardest thing that ever happened to my life so far, the first few days are confusing and full of pain but as Stephen King once said,
“Time takes it all. Whether you want it or not, time takes it all away, times bares it away; and in the end there is only and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we leave them there again.

GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD

Last Sunday; 18th May 2008 the HIV world celebrated ‘candle light memorial’.

This is an international event marked every 3rd Sunday of May to remember those of us who have died due to complications of AIDS.
This was my first candle light celebration and, I was in charge of preparing for the event that my organization wanted to take place in Muranga.
So without putting much thought to the fact that I probably lacked experience for this sort of thing, I accepted the challenge sourcing as much information as possible to ensure I didn’t disappoint my boss.

We planed to have a memorial service at a church in Muranga;allow me to digress.
Muranga is home to our children’s home. This foster care is home to children orphaned by AIDS, majority of whom are HIV positive themselves.
I thought it best to have the memorial service there so they will all be able to attend.

Back to Sunday, all of us were up early and we managed to get to Muranga a couple of minutes before ‘our mass’. I was busy taking videos and pictures for the office is sort of went about the mass like an outsider.Besides the service was in Kikuyu and …well I didn’t understand a thing. Right after the service though, when we took over the event, something changed.

We had poems and testimonies from the children and halfway through it I was teary. As those kids narrated their poems I couldn’t help wondering if that would be my son some day.

What I hate most about my HIV status is the fact that if I die, my kid remains an orphan…not a normal orphan but joins the statistics of those kids orphaned by AIDS. I couldn’t stop the tears and as I looked around, most of us were crying too.
Watching the kids was heartbreaking. I just couldn’t stop thinking about my son.I don’t want him crying like this someday…not if I can help it.

I know God is the giver of life and I know I will die someday but if I can help it I will try as much as possible to ensure that my son has the happiest memories of me; even with this virus in my body. I will do as the doctor says; I will light the candle within me and spread its light to as many as I can reach. I will live a very positive life.

We lit candles in memory of those who had left us and wrote our messages on a piece of white cloth.Some wrote messages to their parents, others to their siblings, others yet to their friends. The content of the messages were varied; but one thing was common. We all miss them.


This years message was Never give up, never forget.
This is a two pronged message asking us not to forget those who have gone ahead of us, not to forget all the things we have learnt from HIV&AIDS in our lives, not to forget to protect ourselves from getting the virus and not to give up in the response on the fight against HIV&AIDS.

For me this message is all wrapped up in a song by Chris rice that we all sang as we lit and held high our candles.

GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD-Chris Rice

There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning,some dark and cold
There is a spirit who brings a fire
Ignites a candle, and makes his home
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, confused and torn
And hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world

Frustrated brother,
see how he's tried toLight his own candle some other way
See now your sister she's been robbedand lied to
Still holds a candle, without a flame
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn
hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world

we are a familyWhose hearts are blazing
So lets raise our candles and light up the sky
Praying to our Father in the name of Jesus
Make us a beacon in darkest times

Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, deceived and worn
Hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world



You may have not been with us on that day but you can go light your world with the resources you have. Remember we cannot be able to everything but can take pleasure in the little that we do with all our heart and love.

LIVE LIFE; Get out of the shadow.

It’s about 8.30pm and I am still stuck in the office….long story. Taking a break to talk about my day. Well……lets see.

I am kind of thinking of what my life would be like if I was married. I would leave work in another half hour to go home to a family (Husband and kid-s).
Tired as I am right now, I will have to deal with baby stuff, and then ensure my husband has had his dinner and a warm bath. Sort out the following day’s issues with the house help before I go to ‘our bedroom’.
I am about to get into bed and my husband gives me ‘the look’. He wants me. As much as I feel good to be desired, I would be moaning inside because I am too tired to even fake it this time round.
Mmmm I think I would quickly reach out for the ‘ugly black stocking’ that men confess to hate so much. Maybe that would turn him off and get him off my back for a while or better still he could sneak into our maid’s room and I get to find out and lose it….ah! Weird thoughts.

Before anyone thinks I am one of those anti-men women, I totally like men. They are better hang out pals and make very good true friends. I think a lot changes though once they share a bed with you and sex happens.

Today I got an email from a woman whose brother just got tested for HIV about three or so months ago. Her brother has only told her and their mother about his HIV positive status. He isn’t comfortable with anyone else in their family knowing just yet because he is scared of the way they will treat him once they find out. Well Dorothy’s brother isn’t on ARV’s yet but takes septrin tablets and tries as much as he can to go on with his life.
Last night Dorothy’s brother came home to visit and he has a cough or a cold or something like that. Her daughter who adores her uncle was all over him playing with him and clinging to him all the time.
Her concern was whether her brother could transmit the virus to her daughter because he was coughing and sometimes holding her too close.

My first reaction to this email was pain, then anger. I wondered where this woman had been in the last decade to even think those kinds of things. The first anti stigma and discrimination messages were all about ‘you can’t get HIV through touching and kissing and sharing utensils….’
I almost didn’t write back because I kept putting myself in her brothers shoes and thinking how crushed I would be if I found out that’s what she thought.

Last year my friend Betty’s sister Candy came back from the states where she lives to visit, she came with her 9 month old baby. We were fine and I was sort of giving her tips on how to take care of her baby-seeing as I was once a young confused mum-. We cooed at the baby and I even fed her. Well that was before Betty told her sister about my HIV status behind my back. To date I really don’t know what she said because I never got any close to that child ever. As soon as I got to the house, the baby would be whisked upstairs. I never even noticed anything strange until their house help pointed it out to me. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even cry.
That should explain my initial feelings I guess, I was sort of taken back to that time and how hurt I was.

Being in this situation has taught me how to at people and situations objectively. So I put myself in Dorothy’s shoes. Tried to rationalize her fears. Well she was just doing what any mother would do, worry about the safety of her child who she loves more than anyone in the entire world. I bet she was kind of torn between hurting her brother’s feelings and being a mum. Maybe that’s why she wrote to us. She didn’t need for me to be angry with her; she needed information and had reached out to people like her bro to get it.
So I replied to her mail giving instances where transmission of HIV can occur, reassuring her that as far as I know the only virus her daughter was exposed to at the time was the one for flu. And I encouraged her to make time to come and spend some time with some of our members and kids. I am hoping she will learn a lot about people living with HIV (PLHIV) when she hangs out with us.

I believe that the reason why most people shun and stigmatise people living with HIV is fear and lack of information. We blame people for what happens to us yet we do nothing to change the situation.

Maybe what we HIV+ people need to do is stand up and do our part in putting a face to positive living instead of hiding in the shadows all the time. Then maybe people wouldn't need to be so scared of us.

CD4 MANIA

Taking care of issues for some of our members today got me so busy I actually forgot to have lunch. I am not hungry though, for some reason all I could die for right now is a bottle of chilled kingfisher or Smirnoff ice black……and some good bongo music at my local.Oh how i long for the days my friends and i religiously had the 'Monday drink.'

That isn’t what I will get today though….because I can’t. Well you see Friday was my clinic day. I have clinic visits every 3months and CD4 test (test done to check the level of ones immunity in the blood) every 6months. I haven’t been on medication since I discovered my HIV status but I religiously keep my clinic visits. In the last test my CD4 cells were 798

I hate the CD4 counts though; for various reasons.
First there is the needle. I don’t mean to sound like some spoilt kid but from day one having the lab technician prick my arm to draw blood made me feel like a laboratory rat. One should think that with three years of knowing my HIV status and about 6 CD4 tests I should have gotten used to having my arm pricked but noooooooo! I guess in this life there are things one doesn’t get used to at all.

After the needle thing, then I have to deal with the results of the test. I hate it when my immunity goes down. I tell myself a lot of things like ‘I am losing the fight’ or ‘I am too vulnerable to infections.’ Bla bla bla. I don’t know what my CD4 result will be this time but will do so in two weeks.

Any HIV positive person will tell you they value the numbers of their CD4. I have no idea why we are so bothered even when our doctors tell us the fluctuations are normal. Jackie calls it CD4mania and admonishes me every time I blame little things on suspicions that my immunity is low.

A couple of weeks ago, Edith a girl in my youth support group called me in the middle of the night.

“I am sorry to wake you up but I can’t sleep.” She apologized

“Its okay dear, what’s up?” I sleepily replied

“I have to come in and see you tomorrow. I am so depressed.” She said.

I agree thinking she probably had a fight with her relatives whom she stays with and who to date don’t know about her HIV positive status.

Well she did turn up the following day and the reason for her sleepless night? Her CD4 results had gone down by 149. Well Edith isn’t on medication and her last CD test was at 700. She was still way above danger point but she is still stressed. I cant help but think about how many other people have had me drop everything I am doing to have this chat. It’s always the same thing.

“The doctor says its normal but I am still worried”. Christine another group member told me. I guess for us who haven’t started medication yet, the nightmare is crazy. You don’t want to go into the meds yet you know somehow that a simple test will determine that you start taking them. My answer all the time is;

“Find something positive to focus your energy on sweetie because this is what you will feel every time you go for the test.”

This isn’t what I feel when its my turn to go for my results though. Easier said than done ha!

I have had a lot of pimples of late something that’s unusual. I decided to tell that to my Doctor. Results? I have a month's prescription for antibiotics damn! I don’t like medicine! I wish there were some ailments that could be treated by say 5 glasses of wine a day! i would actually enjoy visits to the doc! Speaking of wine, there goes alcohol for another one month! Double Damn!

It think as much as I put on a brave face every day and bring out all the positive energy in me to spread around to all who may need it; there is a part of me that will always be scared of what this virus can do to me. And like everyone else realizing this is like taking one step ahead into doing something about it.

Jerry Gillies once said,

“Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead.”

'Mummy blues'

I am having a very easy day. My boss is out for some training and i can finally relax. This is a relief seeing as I haven’t had a slow day in the office since January. I am enjoying my short-lived freedom because I don’t think I will have another day like this one in a long while.

I wont be bothered by all the work that I have put on hold today…no I wont. I will reply all my mails and make new friends on the net. That’s what I will do. Then I will IM all my buddies at around 3pm.

I miss my son. I really do. This is a new feeling for me seeing as the past years of his life I only saw him for a couple of days or a week if I was lucky. I had him two weeks before college.

I finally managed to convince my parents to let him stay with me. I wanted a shot at being mum before he becomes a man and I can’t go into his room and discuss girls with him or hug him in public……..

Nothing prepared me for the transition though. My domain was invaded and boy wasn’t it overwhelming.
No more unnecessary fun-I have fees to pay now.
No more junk food- a baby needs a nutritious meal so that means cooking everyday.
No more working late- he is home at 4pm and needs help with his homework.
No more waking up late; even on weekends. His noise and pranks would not let you indulge after 7am.

I do laundry and sort out uniforms and go to the market and recently bought needle and thread. I am a complete MUM. When most of your sentences begin with ‘don’t do this/that’ or ‘why you didn’t…’ then you are a mum

Well the first couple of months were spent with us clashing and adjusting. I guess that’s to be expected seeing as this was the first time in 8 years we were stuck together without my parents.
Junior is currently on school holiday and visiting my parents. I get to sleep most of the weekends but it’s not fun anymore. The house is soooooooo boring without him. I miss his jokes and his baby laugh. I miss talking about his feelings for his girlfriend, and I want to pick up after him and I am tired of not having him around for supper. Oh! When will the school holiday come to an end?

Most of all I miss his smile. It’s the first thing I see in the morning when we all struggle to wake up and get him ready for school. That smile means the world to me….makes me realize what a handsome young man I’m gonna have in a few years. The smile makes up for a lot of things in my life and gives me reason to soldier on even when all appears lost.

I MISS MY SON!

APPRECIATING MY FRIENDS

Last week I got an opportunity to help some teachers at Kenya Istitute of Education (KIE) come up with radio programs on HIV & AIDS for school children. Part of the training required that I tell my story and they would use it to script the programs. As I went through the week answering all their questions I couldn’t help realizing the influence of family and friends in shaping the positive strong person I am today.

I am slowing down my otherwise very dynamic working life to think of and appreciate various people who have seen me through the worst moments of my HIV positive life.

After the verdict of my HIV status, I painfully lost a number of friends. The bright side of all this is that I made some more. These are the people I would do anything for because they give my life meaning each day.Tehyi Hsieh once said,
“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends whom we choose."
If asked at random to name people who have helped shape my life in the last four years, I would say……(not in any particular order)

Sam Kantai; I met him in my 1st year at the university. We didn’t get too close though until after graduation and fate had us become neighbors. He saw me through the confusion of the first few months into my HIV positive verdict, to the pain of losing my job and being so angry with God and the world. He taught me the value of spirituality. I don’t know where I would be at if I didn’t have him to run to.

Mary W.; Mary was one of my supervisors during my internship. We became friends though and still are. She saw me through the worst relationship of my life. She made me understand how not to let men treat me and how to calmly walk away from all the pain. She handled my disclosure so well, didn’t cry or whatever, has always been the logical person I would ask advise on anything.

Esther; Former workmate became my friend exactly one month after I discovered my HIV status. She was always there when I needed to go for a quick cry in the ‘ladies room’. She listened to me when I went on and on about my fears, took me to my first clinic, held my hand and say me through the new experience. Now she laughs with me.

F. Rache; My dear roommate from college. We have different personalities yet are so alike. In her own way she is always there whenever I need her. Encourages me to see things in the positive. She is there when I need to cry, or talk forever about anything however stupid, or go dancing or drink silly in celebration of whatever.

D.Muigei; My college friend. So near yet so far away. Thanks to technology though we are in constant communication. Always encouraging me to go on even when the going gets tough, for her sense of humor, for not treating me any different and always bonding with me whenever she is in the country however busy she may be.

Ojay; He learnt of my status through gossip and reached out to me. I wouldn’t begin to name all that he has done for me…all the time reaching out…its just too much. I would describe him in these words. A true friend.

Shi’; One of my newest friends yet so close. She took me out of a miserable box last year, taught me how to laugh again, how to be positive about my situation even in public. Was helpful during the first few days when I decided to go public about my HIV status. Quelled my fears, held my hands, celebrated my small victories, and always strived to make me realize I was special and can be anything I wanted to be. She teaches me everyday not to apologize for my blessings. And to stretch my potential for the sake of all those people who look up to me.

Josaya; New friend too. From him I have learnt the value of patience and relationships; I have learnt not to listen to peoples negative talks, not to give up on what I consider my purpose. With his help I discovered I could write, I could encourage and give hope. His opinions mean a lot to me.

There are some more who have influenced my life and who I will forever be grateful to; Masawa, Cecelia, Nyasaka, hill, Kombo, Mike, Peter, and Joyce.

So this week I am doing the reaching out, calling all of these guys and trying to see if I can meet as many of them as I can. To show gratitude and appreciation for my relationships.
Iyanla Vanzant once said,
“My most courageous moment is not a moment at all but a series of moments strung together around a singular theme: telling myself the truth, the truth about who I am, about what I want, about what I'm doing. That takes an incredible amount of guts, faith, and strength. For me, it's most challenging in relationships. Some people do their learning in careers. Some people do their learning alone. Me, I do my greatest learning in relationships.”