AFTER THE TEST

“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I fear, I cry and I know you do the same too. So we are really the same me and you”


A couple of minutes after one is told they have tested HIV positive are probably the worse minutes of their lives. I know they were mine. Although after living with this virus this long one tends to encounter other worse things, but that day in the VCT center 5years ago will forever remain etched in my mind.

Everyone has a different story of how they first found out, others decided to go for the voluntary counseling and testing (VCT), others found out after being sick, yet others found out after deaths of spouses raised concerns. What’s common though is the reactions we all exhibit as soon as we find out. Some of us sink into shock and only realize what’s happening way later, there are those who start crying and wont stop no matter what, then there are those of us who just walk out of the doctors office and forget we were ever there. How one is treated at this time, most often determines how they will handle the news and progress from there on.

After surviving the first few moments and the hours, one grapples with various emotions and stages as the reality of the news sinks. Here are a number of emotions (not is any particular order) that one deals with and here’s- in my opinion- how best to deal with them.

Fear
None if us likes going into a new place they hadn’t planned to go to. We always get apprehensive about what we may find there. With the knowledge that one is HIV+ comes the fear of death. Then we fear what the society would do or say to us once they know. We have seen how they treated other people in the past; we know how our family and friends talk about this. We know how the society has judged this a moral disease and we are scared of being judged immoral. We cry a lot at this time mostly because we know at some point or another we will have to deal with family, friends and society reactions and we don’t think we are strong enough for it. My counselor advised that whenever I needed to cry I should go ahead and do it.
“Crying is therapeutic and good for you.” she said.
I have since discovered that the best way to deal with fear is by facing it head on. Sounds insane? Believe me it works. Nelson Mandela once said,
“I learnt that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man isn’t he who doesn’t feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

Numb
This is when one feels, nothing, zilch, zero! Most of the times, this is because one is in shock. One can be in shock for days or weeks, normally they don’t talk about it, go on like all is well but often times break down at the least expected time. After my own results were given to me, I went to a party and spent the weekend with friends like nothing really happened. I broke down three days later in my office when the news finally sank in.
Other times it’s because they are in denial. You tell yourself that this isn’t happening and it can’t be happening to you. Different people go through denial in different ways. Take Emily for instance. She found out she was HIV positive when she was 20years old. She blocked the story from her mind, went on with her life, got married to someone else and has a seven-year-old son. 10years after her test, she decided to seek treatment and is currently in a support group.
Now denial is not a bad thing for helping you go about your life as you deal with the big change that this news has brought to your life. It allows you to take sometime off making some very important decisions but usually it doest work forever. Eventually you will need to make decisions like about where to seek care and treatment, how best to disclose to your friends and family, whether to have a baby or not to and many others. The sooner you get off this stage the better for you. You may get stuck in this stage and end up sick because you didn’t seek the help you need to live a better life.

Rage.
This is the intense anger that one feels towards others or themselves. You may be furious at yourself for having not protected yourself, for having let it happen. Some people resent or get angry with the people they believe infected them, others get angry with God for allowing it to happen. At this time people always exhibit reckless behavior. Normally when one feels there is no other way out of the mess this news has on their life. They reckon,
“I’m going to die anyway so why should I care?” or “I want to drink and have as much fun as I can because I will die soon.”
Some people sell all their belongings albeit at a throw away price because, you guessed right, they believe they are dying. Such behavior will not get you anything but regret. Regret for when 5 years later you are not dead but broke or poor and with a long list of people you infected on your conscience.
Others lose psyche for work or their families. Often times this is the time when most people have given up on life and all the beautiful things it has to offer. This is an understandable feeling. However, it’s advisable to channel all that energy to something more productive. With the help and support from family, friends and counselors one can get over this

Depression
You are tired, you don’t want to get out of bed, and you probably would welcome death if it stretched out a hand to you. Well, all of us have gone through such feelings in our lives for one reason or another. Like the grand break up from your first love? It gave you similar kinds of feelings only this time it feels worse?
“I wished I would just die and not have to deal with people finding out.” Caroline a member of my support group once told us.
This was echoed by a lot of other people. At this point some of us get suicidal. We see no reason to go on, we wonder why we shouldn’t save everyone the agony of seeing us sick and just end it.
Depression sometimes slows us down as we recover from a big blow in our lives but just like denial, it shouldn’t be allowed to overstay its welcome. Depression doesn’t work well when one is HIV positive. It’s advisable to seek counseling or support of family and friends if you can. Join a support group or post-test club near you. Group support gets anyone out of the rut. I know because it was the beginning of me finding strength enough to do what I do today.

Negotiating.
At this point, you believe that everything is happening to you because for some reason or another you were evil or bad and you are getting punished for it. For some people this is the time you feel philanthropic and give a lot of donations to make peace with yourself, others contact family and friends that they had lost touch with and yet others become fanatic church goers.
“ I used to go for all the prayer sessions and meetings.” Confessed Mary.
“ I was totally disappointed when after a year I still had an attack of TB and this time had to go to hospital.” She goes on
We negotiate with God that if we try to be good for a while, then he will wake us up from this horrible dream. We negotiate with ourselves that if probably we try
To make right what we made wrong then God would forgive us. There is a lot of frustration later on when one finds out that no matter how good they try to be, the condition isn’t going away and they have to deal with it. The sooner one realizes they need to deal with this news, the better for them. Talk to someone a counselor or friend to help you through this, or better still join a support group near you.

Low Self Esteem.
You will at all times be faced with low self esteem at one point or another. Different people have low esteem issues for different reasons. There are those who now feel their spouses will not want to stay married to them, most women go about feeling they are not right for any man and end up being used, humiliated and made to feel worthless. Some people maybe due to weight loss from being sick or weight gain from medicines begin to hate their bodies and feel bad about it. You don’t see reason why you should dress up and look nice, or go to parties or to get togethers. You withdraw from family, friends and colleagues
This is often times the reason for misery in our lives. You begin to believe you are not good enough. You don’t apply for that good job; don’t seek educational, professional or personal growth because you believe those things aren’t for you.
“For a long time I convinced myself and my friends that I didn’t like children.” Terry told me.
“I believed that if I kept saying this then I would believe it.” She explained. At the moment, Terry is trying out for a baby after she got married to a HIV-ve man last year, another of the things she thought impossible.
The best cure for esteem issues is self-love and self-acceptance. This doesn’t happen overnight. One needs to inject doses of positive things and energy into their lives every day. Loving you makes it easy for you to deal with lots of things that may happen to your life.


Acceptance.
This is the point when you can look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself; I have HIV but I am not defined by my HIV status but by who I am.
The sooner one gets to this stage the better for them. There is no time limit however for one to get to this point where they accept they have the virus, it’s not leaving and so they have to live with it. At this point most people reach out for help. Look for a doctor or a hospital, go for tests, start treatment, research on how best they can live their lives, disclose to their partners, family and friends and how they can cope with everyday challenges. Getting to this point doesn’t mean that we wont get anymore challenges to deal with but from here, we can about face any of them and with the help of our support system overcome it.

This is probably a cliché, testing HIV positive isn’t really the end of the world, and with the right support and help one can live their lives as productive as any other person. So many people have lived this proof; we just need to believe in our self that we can do it too.
floafriq@gmail.com

SELF LOVE....

“There is no passion to be found in playing small; in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – NELSON MANDELA

“Life is what you make it.” My high school principal used to drum that in our heads everyday. Back then; this was one of the things we always made jokes about. Now, It makes perfect sense. Everything we do, all we aver become is totally determined by the choices we make.

This has been an interesting week, a sort of cool breeze after going through time filled with a lot of soul searching and tough decision making.
Saturday was Valentines Day, a time when everything gets ‘red drapings’ and guys go to a lot of trouble to profess undying love… whatever that is.
It is also that time of the year when there are a lot of women walking around with broken or bruised hearts. Seeing as I am an aunt Tabby of sorts, this is the time when I talk to lots of disappointed, broken, bruised and often time teary women sometimes late into the night. I am glad that this year I didn’t have to give ‘the talk’ to any of my baby sisters.

Okay men are jerks. We know it, we tell it to our friends all the time. I bet this information has been passed down a number of generations. I wonder what women do about it. I was particularly moved by Sarah’s story. She not only got conned into giving lots of money to some guy she hadn’t even met because she was ‘feeling’ him. That isn’t even it, she let herself be humiliated by another guy she met online all in one week. Details of this story are either disgusting or too shocking to believe so I will save you from it.
“I feel so bad and used.” She moaned
“I know, I would feel horrible too.” I agreed with her.

First, seeing as the much I ever got from Internet dating is a number of hot, steamy sex dates I really don’t believe people find love from it. Two, I totally don’t get how a woman gets to ‘fall in love’ with two men and get totally humiliated by both of them in one week. The big question here is how does a woman (who isn’t 18 or 22 years) get so into two total strangers and ends up losing her heart, her money and whatever is left of her self worth?

Talking to Sarah on the Phone I couldn’t help but think of a time when I was so like her. I was 23 years and totally in love with this guy in College. Henry was cute and fine and all. Boy! didn’t I eat crap off of this guy’s hand. He kept telling me I was fat and he liked thin/slim women. I went on a diet and even got anorexic to be the woman he wanted. I got to size 6, couldn’t even find clothes that fit but he kept telling me I was fat; that and a number of other faults he found in me turned me into a nervous wreck. My sister and a number of my friends couldn’t understand why I was with him, what I saw in him, I paid all the bills when we hang out, bought lots and lots of expensive presents for him. Things I didn’t even buy myself…anything to keep him by my side. I broke up with him in my last semester and that was probably the best thing I ever did in college. My friends stopped short of throwing a bash with each one of them telling me I was better off without the SOB, I got remarks and opinions from people I never even knew existed in college. They were all relieved I had broken up with him. Before long, I met someone else and heaven was on earth for me. I totally forgot about him.

I met Henry after college and we thought having grown up maybe we could try this again. A week later, I found out I was HIV+. As soon as he found out, he went quiet for about three months before coming back to my life. I was so glad, I felt like I owed him my life. I mean here was a HIV- handsome guy ready to go out with me. A couple of months or so I sort of noticed a trend, I never met him publicly; we never met at his house unless I was going in late at night and all we ever did was have sex. He wasn’t my booty call; I didn’t think that was the agreement.
“Be grateful that he even looks at you.” A voice would tell me whenever I started feeling low about it.
“Who would want you once they know…be grateful for what you get.” Yet another voice.
I decided to go on with it even if I felt cheap and low because I thought since he was doing me a great favor; I could take whatever morsels he threw at me.

I am one of those people who are slow at making emotive decisions but once I do, there is no turning back. I didn’t even believe it when I confronted Henry out of the blues and demanded that he treat me with respect.
“I don’t expect you to love me but if you and I are ever going to happen then it will be based on respect.” I told him
“I will not take ultimatums from you.” He sternly replied.
“This isn’t an ultimatum Henry, it’s a number of choices, you respect me or we are done.” I stressed as I walked away.

I did panic afterwards, thinking that maybe I had made a mistake. I wanted to call him and beg him to take me back but I didn’t. I fought to stop myself from drunk dialing him, I probably did drunk dial a number of times and hang up before he answered. After a while, I just didn’t look for him. I saw him online but I stuck my ground…I wouldn’t be the first one to talk to him. He did talk to me after about four months. We still talk to date and it is on a platform of total respect. Him and I and sex didn’t ever happen again but all isn’t lost, he got the point.

I have learnt through time to love myself. And it’s love I am very possessive about. I am not afraid to ask that I be treated with the respect I deserve. I give, as much as I expect to get in any relationship I am in. This has spilled over into how I do my work, relate to people and how I view things in life.
I know now for sure that I don’t need a man to fill a void or gap in my life but I need a man to compliment my already existing, vibrant and full life. That, or nothing at all. I wont settle for morsels.

I know there are women who believe that they need another man to get over their heartbreak or painful experience, I don’t. Women just need to love themselves enough to be comfortable in being alone. Most of the time we take a lot of bullshit because we don’t want to be alone or we don’t know who we really are, or what we are capable of. We grew up being told what we should do, how we should dress or laugh or talk. We then started dating and we got another list of some one else’s expectations handed down to us. Some got married and along that road got another list of someone else’s expectation list.

When does an average African woman get time and space to be herself? To discover her true worth and capabilities? I have an answer to that…. when she decides to stop listening to peoples opinions of who she is and can be and start believing in herself.

MY STORMY FEBRUARY

This is officially my month of Drama this year. I don’t really know how the other months will go but I think I got the A-storm of my life this month and I am so glad I survived it.
No I didn’t lose any family member to the two horrible fires but I did go through my own set of loses.

The first two weeks were crazy and I was angry through out it all. I quit my job. All those who know how much I was ‘married’ to my job this last two years know that this was like losing a baby. For a moment I was angry then sad but after a while I figured, I didn’t lose me and really some things are inevitable and growth is one of those things.

I lost a big chunk of respect for two people who betrayed my trust. This wasn’t so hard though. I have in the past four years let go of a number of people. It sort of happens the moment you expect so much from people and that has sort of been who I am lately. Still I was sad. It wasn’t an easy loss.

This was probably the hardest; I lost a friend, colleague and a member of the group to complications of the heart. This is also the first time I walked into a morgue and it was really hard to see her sleep on some metal slab. I couldn’t help beating myself and wondering whether there is something we could have done to prevent this from happening.

Last year, I was faced with a lot of trying moments when guys from my group got sick, I spent time at the hospital, sometimes pleading that the doctors have one more look at someone they had given up hope on. I watched hopeless cases spring back to life…beautiful life and I look at them this year and think they are my small miracles.

Jane was one of these guys. I met her when she was very sick, her CD4 was below 200 and she had nowhere to live. I asked her to come and stay with me as she had just gotten a volunteer job as a nurse in my office. She had gotten better and was giving me tips on a lot of stuff. She got her strength back and even moved into her own house. The last time she and I had a lengthy talk about her health, her CD4 was 430 and her doctors were happy with her. That explains why her death was so painful. It was sudden and we were totally not expecting it.

“Baby I totally don’t want to be in your shoes right now.” Christine my friend confessed when she called me one day
“I am fine, really I think I am doing okay.” I tried to sound brave.
“I would be a wreck, crying like a baby right now.” She went on
That’s when it hit me that in all the drama, I didn’t even shed a tear. I felt pain, lots of it and with each incident and each day I felt my heart sinking but I just couldn’t cry.

By the end of that week however I was so drained most of my sentences had me saying how tired I was. I was tempted to feel sorry for myself but all I kept thinking was how much I have gone through in the past and how this was just a mild storm that I will get past.

Norman Vincent Peale once wrote, “One of the chief lessons or truths to be learned by thoughtful people is that the so called impossible is indeed possible to those who have the will, the courage and the faith.”

The huge storm is past now; I am just left picking up the pieces and putting everything in place. My shrink says that everyone goes through trying moments and we should all strive to build our character from these trying times. I totally agree with her.
I honestly hope though that I have seen the last of crazy moments this year and can’t wait for this month to end.