APPRECIATED SILENCE

I know very well there are a bunch of us who are glad they got through 1^st Dec.

World AIDS day is marked all over the world and to some of us. On this day, we create awareness on the issues around HIV&AIDS as well as ask for everyones involvement especially the government in ending this pandemic.

This however, is a day some of us wish we wouldn’t be aware of. There are those of us who are definitely struggling with the blows this virus has had in our lives, struggling with the lies and stories we make up to avoid disclosure.

Somehow, the week preceding this date and maybe a couple more after don’t make it easy for us. What with all those stories about the current statistics, the calls for tests and yet again the opinions of people; some who sometimes have no idea at all about what living with this virus is all about fills our eyes and ears. I am a liaison of sorts in my office and therefore plan for all the media interviews and documentaries. This is the time that they visit our office the most. Not a bad thing because I believe the world needs to know there are people living with this virus and going on with their lives.

What surprises me are the kinds of questions they ask sometimes. One is left wondering where these guys have been in the last year or so.

“So tell me, how you feel living with AIDS.” One reporter asked me as I was setting up interviews for him with some of our members.

After a few seconds of psychobabbles I snub the serious need to lash out. So I decide to educate.

“First of all I am living with HIV.” I calmly say

“Secondly I don’t feel any different from you.” I wake up, come to work, kick butt, don’t settle for less and stay happy.” I go on.

On World AIDS day, I was in charge of our event at one of our centers in Soweto; one of the informal settlements in Kayole. I honestly had a busy day and I guess most of my phone messages went unanswered. This one did get my full attention though

“Hallo.Congrats 4 managing 2 stay strong and beautiful with the HIV virus; Keep it up happy AIDS day.”

First of all, I believe my friend had every good intention as she sent this message but all I felt was anger. Happy AIDS Day!!!

What is happy about having to live with this virus? I mean it’s not like its valentines day and we need to send text messages round. What next? We will have red ribbon mugs on sale and World AIDS day offers of products during Dec 1^st?

I shared this text with some friends from my group and they had some crazy ones to show.

“I am thinking about you during this day. Happy worlds AIDS day.” Read one

“On this day may you find strength and renewed hope to fight on to reach your star and be an inspiration to others, Happy World AIDS Day.”

Most of the people who got these text messages weren’t amused. Some of them just like me decided to ignore them, other definitely spent some time crying about it. This is not a happy day for any person living with HIV. For some of us it’s the day that we have to confront this virus. We wish we could call in sick and not go to work. But we fight that horrible feeling and put on the fake smile and make it there anyway. We keep the smile on as much as we are screaming inside when our colleagues talk about nothing else but HIV&AIDS on that day. Getting such text messages from friends seals the box of one of the most horrible day.

There are those occasions that call for silence. This is one of them. There is nothing you can do or say on this day that would be deemed right. Believe me I know. “I am sorry.” Is irritating,

“I am thinking about you.” May work after I die so double irritating and “happy world AIDS day” is definitely infuriating.

My advice? If you have a friend living with HIV; don’t text on this day. You can make phone calls and talk about general things or have a fun thing planned out, without necessarily looking like it’s supposed to make up for them living with this virus. Anything that would take your pals mind away from this day and what it means to their life is welcome. If they want to talk about the day and how affected they are by everything then just be there to listen.

That aside, I am glad that the world has become tolerant; the reduction of stigma and discrimination is a key indicator. I hope that this will enable more people test for the virus. This is the only sure way to prevent more infections.

KENYA AIDS INDICATOR SURVEY (KAIS)

Some people live and learn, and some only live.

Wise people learn from their mistakes, wiser people learn from other people's mistakes.-


I don’t like statistics; not that I undermine the need for it. Its just that every time I hear this word in relation to HIV, I get too emotional.

So the KAIS report was released last week and its findings left Kenyans talking about nothing else but HIV for about a week now. I have done numerous interviews and answered a number of emails and phone calls from people who wanted my organizations opinion on the findings of the report.

I did my research, listened to few other people’s responses to check that they were in line with what I really felt was good enough to talk about and once I was sure we were speaking the same language echoed what every other HIV organization or activist said on the matter.

You know statistics tell you a lot of stuff like the number of people infected; the number of people infected but don’t know their status or the number of people accessing treatment and lots of other issues.

What statistics doesn’t tell you though, is the pain and suffering of a person living with the Virus and has AIDS, or the emotional turmoil of one who just discovered they have HIV or the pain and suffering of the family members who watch their loved ones waste away and die or even the pain the orphans go through once their parents are gone. Statistics don’t tell you this or the positive stories of those who spent up to a year sick in bed and regained their health. This is what we deal with everyday; very little justice is done to this aspect of HIV.

I heard about the KAIS report on the news and the first reaction I had was sadness. The shift in prevalence from 5.1 to 7.4 was for me too high. For a moment there I thought
“Oh God there are more people going to walk in our shoes.” You see I have lived with HIV enough to stop dwelling on the negative and I go about telling people how living positively really helps, but believe me I wouldn’t wish this virus even on my worst enemy.

What struck me about the report though was the number of people who tested HIV+ even after insisting they were not. These people make up the number of Kenyans walking on our streets that don’t know their status, aren’t seeking treatment and are potential partners to some non suspecting person.

Just as expected, some fingers started pointing at People Living with HIV (PLHIV). Most of the interactive radio shows had the survey as a topic of discussion and people had so much to say.
“These people are the ones who are infecting others” one person called into one radio station.
“Yeah they are given medicine so they don’t look thin anymore.” Another caller echoed
“They need to be tagged so we can identify them” yet another caller
“I feel these people need to be put in camps separate from all of us.” Yet another caller.
I believe in respect of ones opinions but I won’t lie that these didn’t disgust me.
Every week I get emails or talk to a lot of PLHIV. Most of them confess to me that they haven’t disclosed their HIV+ status to their spouses, families, friends or even colleagues at work. I wonder what these callers would have the same opinion if they found out that those going to the camps or getting the tags would be their wives, husbands, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers or friends.

I will not try to justify or talk for all the PLHIV. What I know though is that when you test HIV+ and seek treatment, you are counseled and advised on the need to have protected sexual contact. You are given tips on how not to infect your partner, what to do incase of possible exposure like seek treatment for PEP (Post Exposure Prophylaxis). But that’s not the only reason we decide to use the rubber as much as some of us hate the damn thing, it’s because it protects us too. We are educated on the risks of secondary or re-infections (getting infected with another strain of the virus). There are some of us who take these advices seriously.

We talked about these responses in the support group. Guess what? All of us want our relatives and friends to know our HIV+ status. But you see the stigma discrimination and the social injustices that are associated with PLHIV make us go into hiding or stay in the shadows.

If declaring my status means I lose my job, my social standing in the community, lose my family and friend and worst of all my dignity; then why would I want to tell? Before the society accepts that HIV is a viral condition that can be managed. Before they stop calling us ‘these people’ like we are from a different planet then no one will disclose their status. This is a potential risk for more infections by the way.

I wonder why someone thinks we need to be tagged so they can identify us. If I met you at say a party and you found me attractive enough to do ‘you know what’, why do you think its not your responsibility to take care of you health. I think we all need to stop pointing fingers and start taking responsibility for our own actions. This isn’t the era of naiveté. In this age and time; every adult is responsible for their own sexual health. If you aren’t responsible enough then please Abstain.

Most people are deciding not to know their status because they feel safe in the ignorance. “What I don’t know will not hurt me.” My friend once told me when I asked her to go for the test. “I’ll wait to get sick first.” She went on.
This attitude accounts for the 57% of Kenyans who have never tested for HIV and the 26% of those who insist they know they are HIV- but have HIV+ results when tested.

These findings should be a wake up call for the Government, Civil society organizations and all stakeholders to look into their programs and find out what we aren’t doing best or what new things or strategies can we formulate.
It’s not a time to forget the gains we have made so far but to learn from what we have been doing and to improve on the areas we haven’t done very well.

I heard someone on radio say
“For every one person we put on treatment, there are two more people getting infected.” Having even one person on treatment is a gain. But we need to ensure that as we put people on treatment, we don’t have any new infections.

We need to scale up our prevention programs. Make our Behaviors Change Communication (BCC) consistent, Scale up our VCT uptake by having more mobile VCT’s and reaching out to as many vulnerable groups as we can without prejudice.

This coupled with positive prevention (prevention of infection by those who already know their status) and Meaningful involvement of people living with HIV&AIDS (MIPA) just might reduce these rates.

GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD

Last Sunday; 18th May 2008 the HIV world celebrated ‘candle light memorial’.

This is an international event marked every 3rd Sunday of May to remember those of us who have died due to complications of AIDS.
This was my first candle light celebration and, I was in charge of preparing for the event that my organization wanted to take place in Muranga.
So without putting much thought to the fact that I probably lacked experience for this sort of thing, I accepted the challenge sourcing as much information as possible to ensure I didn’t disappoint my boss.

We planed to have a memorial service at a church in Muranga;allow me to digress.
Muranga is home to our children’s home. This foster care is home to children orphaned by AIDS, majority of whom are HIV positive themselves.
I thought it best to have the memorial service there so they will all be able to attend.

Back to Sunday, all of us were up early and we managed to get to Muranga a couple of minutes before ‘our mass’. I was busy taking videos and pictures for the office is sort of went about the mass like an outsider.Besides the service was in Kikuyu and …well I didn’t understand a thing. Right after the service though, when we took over the event, something changed.

We had poems and testimonies from the children and halfway through it I was teary. As those kids narrated their poems I couldn’t help wondering if that would be my son some day.

What I hate most about my HIV status is the fact that if I die, my kid remains an orphan…not a normal orphan but joins the statistics of those kids orphaned by AIDS. I couldn’t stop the tears and as I looked around, most of us were crying too.
Watching the kids was heartbreaking. I just couldn’t stop thinking about my son.I don’t want him crying like this someday…not if I can help it.

I know God is the giver of life and I know I will die someday but if I can help it I will try as much as possible to ensure that my son has the happiest memories of me; even with this virus in my body. I will do as the doctor says; I will light the candle within me and spread its light to as many as I can reach. I will live a very positive life.

We lit candles in memory of those who had left us and wrote our messages on a piece of white cloth.Some wrote messages to their parents, others to their siblings, others yet to their friends. The content of the messages were varied; but one thing was common. We all miss them.


This years message was Never give up, never forget.
This is a two pronged message asking us not to forget those who have gone ahead of us, not to forget all the things we have learnt from HIV&AIDS in our lives, not to forget to protect ourselves from getting the virus and not to give up in the response on the fight against HIV&AIDS.

For me this message is all wrapped up in a song by Chris rice that we all sang as we lit and held high our candles.

GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD-Chris Rice

There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning,some dark and cold
There is a spirit who brings a fire
Ignites a candle, and makes his home
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, confused and torn
And hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world

Frustrated brother,
see how he's tried toLight his own candle some other way
See now your sister she's been robbedand lied to
Still holds a candle, without a flame
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn
hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world

we are a familyWhose hearts are blazing
So lets raise our candles and light up the sky
Praying to our Father in the name of Jesus
Make us a beacon in darkest times

Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, deceived and worn
Hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world



You may have not been with us on that day but you can go light your world with the resources you have. Remember we cannot be able to everything but can take pleasure in the little that we do with all our heart and love.