Every single mother dreads when their children will grow up and ask this question. I am no different.
I have seen my son transition from the young innocent baby who didn’t even know what it means to have a father to a now much grown, smart little guy who knows he deserves explanations on where his father is.
“Mummy how come I don’t have a father?” he asked me one evening when I got home from work. I was shocked, didn’t know what to say for a moment and almost gave my signature answer to all the questions I don’t want to answer
I decided to be honest with him. I have been honest with my son since he came home to me at the beginning of this year; we talk about everything, from HIV, to girls, to the little hairs on his penis. I didn’t want to lie, lose his trust.
“You have a father sweetie,” I try to explain
“Where is he?” he asks
I explain a little about how all babies have mummies and daddies and that I had him when I was very young and in school so his dad and I couldn’t get married. I then tell him that a couple of years later I found out that his dad had passed away.
“You don’t have to feel sad though, he never even saw you.” I say.
“Okay.” He replies without any feelings.
“Can you get me another daddy?” he goes on
“What?” I ask shocked.
“You can find me another daddy can’t you?” he persists.
At this point I have nothing to say. I have been putting off relationships and men from my mind for longer than I can imagine. I just assumed things would stay that way. Most of my time is spent at work or doing stuff to try and pay all my bills and ensure my son and sisters have the best of what they need. Men and daddies don’t quite feature in my plans.
“Why would you want me to look for a dad?” I ask
“Because he will buy me stuff.” He answers after a while
“What stuff would he buy for you that I wouldn’t?” I ask puzzled. He smiles.
I remind him that I buy him everything that he asks me to, well those that make sense for me to buy. I pay all his fees so he doesn’t get asked to go home from school.
“You are the best mummy, other people have dads and mums but they don’t even pay all their fees.” He says and runs off to go play.
I hope this rests for now. I keep having nightmares that my son will get to class four and be asked by his teacher to write a composition titled “tell us about your father.” He would not be able to do his class work and probably throw tantrums. I don’t know how I will deal with that but in the mean time, I’m just going to love him like crazy and hope he is happy and content with that.
Showing posts with label saint HIV family Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label saint HIV family Friends. Show all posts
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
TESTING MY SON
A couple of weeks ago, I confronted a fear I have been having for along time now.
I have known my HIV status since 2005. What I have had doubts about since then has been my sons HIV status. I would shrug off all the concerns I had and sometimes put on a brave face and say I am sure he is negative whenever friends and relatives ask.
“I had junior when I was 18years, I am sure I got infected with HIV later on.” I would say sometimes trying so hard to convince myself too.
There is no need to have him tested because he isn't one to get sick frequenly.
“He is fine” my mum would try to reassure me.
The complacent thought flew off my head when last month we admitted a young 19 year old girl in our rescue center. Her mother, a high school teacher gave birth to her while still in college. She later broke up with the child's father and they haven’t met ever since.
Nothing about Mary was different from any child her age, she was'nt sickly, she grew up healthy and okay. Towards the end of last year however, Mary got sick with one ailment after another. Diagnostic HIV test gave positive results confirming fears Mary’s family have had ever since they heard from grapevine that her dad had passed away due to complications of AIDS.
I have been putting off the idea of my son testing for HIV. I actually hate tests….of any kind because with me, they always test positive. One morning though I just snapped and decided to get this over with. I was tired of thinking about it, of being scared of what the results would be, of worrying what I will do in case he turns HIV positive.
“Are you sure you can handle the outcome?” a colleague asked me when I told her about it.
“I don’t know.” I replied
If the results are positive, I will take him home and go out in search of alcohol.” I joked
I went about my day wondering if I had the strength to deal with the outcome of the test. I may sound and look like i have it together most of the time but inside me is a woman who scares very easily. I love my son more than anyone in the world and if his test were to turn positive, then i think a part of me would die.
Junior came to my office after school. I had told him we were going to do a malaria test and get him medication. He has flu or something.
We did the test, the five minutes wait was horrible!I looked at my son smiling at me when i told a joke to distract him. My heart beat fast. I was scared of what my reaction would be. I asked myself a lot of questions and consoled myself.
“We will be fine.” I kept reassuring myself.
“Here are the results Florence, your son is HIV negative.” The nurse told me as she showed me the results.
"You can breath in and out” she continued as I just looked at her in relief.
“I will breath out now because I have been holding my breath all this time.” I replied nearly shouting.
I wanted to scream and jump and do a dance but I couldn’t at the time.
I have had a good nights sleep since then and I am glad I will be having another blessing to count and thank God for.
I have known my HIV status since 2005. What I have had doubts about since then has been my sons HIV status. I would shrug off all the concerns I had and sometimes put on a brave face and say I am sure he is negative whenever friends and relatives ask.
“I had junior when I was 18years, I am sure I got infected with HIV later on.” I would say sometimes trying so hard to convince myself too.
There is no need to have him tested because he isn't one to get sick frequenly.
“He is fine” my mum would try to reassure me.
The complacent thought flew off my head when last month we admitted a young 19 year old girl in our rescue center. Her mother, a high school teacher gave birth to her while still in college. She later broke up with the child's father and they haven’t met ever since.
Nothing about Mary was different from any child her age, she was'nt sickly, she grew up healthy and okay. Towards the end of last year however, Mary got sick with one ailment after another. Diagnostic HIV test gave positive results confirming fears Mary’s family have had ever since they heard from grapevine that her dad had passed away due to complications of AIDS.
I have been putting off the idea of my son testing for HIV. I actually hate tests….of any kind because with me, they always test positive. One morning though I just snapped and decided to get this over with. I was tired of thinking about it, of being scared of what the results would be, of worrying what I will do in case he turns HIV positive.
“Are you sure you can handle the outcome?” a colleague asked me when I told her about it.
“I don’t know.” I replied
If the results are positive, I will take him home and go out in search of alcohol.” I joked
I went about my day wondering if I had the strength to deal with the outcome of the test. I may sound and look like i have it together most of the time but inside me is a woman who scares very easily. I love my son more than anyone in the world and if his test were to turn positive, then i think a part of me would die.
Junior came to my office after school. I had told him we were going to do a malaria test and get him medication. He has flu or something.
We did the test, the five minutes wait was horrible!I looked at my son smiling at me when i told a joke to distract him. My heart beat fast. I was scared of what my reaction would be. I asked myself a lot of questions and consoled myself.
“We will be fine.” I kept reassuring myself.
“Here are the results Florence, your son is HIV negative.” The nurse told me as she showed me the results.
"You can breath in and out” she continued as I just looked at her in relief.
“I will breath out now because I have been holding my breath all this time.” I replied nearly shouting.
I wanted to scream and jump and do a dance but I couldn’t at the time.
I have had a good nights sleep since then and I am glad I will be having another blessing to count and thank God for.
Friday, May 23, 2008
LOST IN THE SHADOWS
If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advise for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look at it squarely in the eye and say, “I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.” –Ann Landers.
Last year I met Alice through a long term friend of mine. Afterwards she kept calling and coming to our office because she really wanted to talk to me. I thought that because she was saved and so much into the church she wanted to preach ‘the word’ to me and probably tell me I can get healing if only I got saved and stuff like that. I have met a lot of people who tell me stuff like that or maybe offer herbal medicines that could cure my ‘disease.’ I politely say thank you and smile at their offers of help but believe me most of the time I am seething inside.
I try to avoid such talk as much as I can so for about two months I avoided Alice as much as I could. She was persistent though, so much till I gave in. So we met at my house on 24th of Dec last year. I couldn’t get myself busy so I don’t meet her; we had closed office for the holidays. After talking to her though I felt stupid and wished I had agreed to meet her sooner.
Alice and her fiancé were planning to get married and were about to formalize their engagement. He proposed at the beginning of the year and she had a beautiful ring on her finger. He was getting ready to go and ‘rashia’ (pay dowry) to Alice’s parents but they though it best to go to the VCT for a HIV test.
Antony tested positive for HIV and Alice negative. They weren’t intimate yet even after dating for three years; she wanted to wait till they were married (Alice is a much respected member of her church).
My first reaction to all this was shock. I expected a lecture from the scriptures. Well we talked a lot and have been friend ever since. The guy was devastated at the time and I tried to reassure her that that was normal. I told her about the youth group we intended to start for HIV + youth and asked her to tell him to come. It would help to talk about it I thought.
Three months down the line, Antony who was in his internship year at medical school had been in and out of hospital a number of times because of depression. Alice begged him to come and meet me or any person living with HIV so that he could draw strength from our positive lives and get out of his darkness but he couldn’t hear of it. He started drinking too much. I couldn’t take what this was doing to Alice anymore, it’s like she was HIV+ herself.
I know its hard(been there) at first to learn you are HIV+ but I believe it requires inner strength to get out of the dark hole this news drops you into. The longer you grieve the more you affect those around you. No one wants to be around negative people so you will definitely lose friends, your job and even family not even because they know your HIV+ status.
Alice was in my office yesterday and after our usual chat about everything she goes like,
“By the way my ex passed away.”
“What ex? When?” I ask. I had no idea they had broken up.
“He died on Friday and I think he committed suicide.” She explains.
“I am so sorry.” I say because I wouldn’t even begin to understand what she was going through. We talk for awhile and then I she left.
I am sad for Alice- this is something she wont forget in a while, I am sad for Antony’s family but a large part of me is sad at what Antony may have let himself go through before he decided to end his life. Testing HIV+ is hard. Its probably the hardest thing that ever happened to my life so far, the first few days are confusing and full of pain but as Stephen King once said,
“Time takes it all. Whether you want it or not, time takes it all away, times bares it away; and in the end there is only and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we leave them there again.
Last year I met Alice through a long term friend of mine. Afterwards she kept calling and coming to our office because she really wanted to talk to me. I thought that because she was saved and so much into the church she wanted to preach ‘the word’ to me and probably tell me I can get healing if only I got saved and stuff like that. I have met a lot of people who tell me stuff like that or maybe offer herbal medicines that could cure my ‘disease.’ I politely say thank you and smile at their offers of help but believe me most of the time I am seething inside.
I try to avoid such talk as much as I can so for about two months I avoided Alice as much as I could. She was persistent though, so much till I gave in. So we met at my house on 24th of Dec last year. I couldn’t get myself busy so I don’t meet her; we had closed office for the holidays. After talking to her though I felt stupid and wished I had agreed to meet her sooner.
Alice and her fiancé were planning to get married and were about to formalize their engagement. He proposed at the beginning of the year and she had a beautiful ring on her finger. He was getting ready to go and ‘rashia’ (pay dowry) to Alice’s parents but they though it best to go to the VCT for a HIV test.
Antony tested positive for HIV and Alice negative. They weren’t intimate yet even after dating for three years; she wanted to wait till they were married (Alice is a much respected member of her church).
My first reaction to all this was shock. I expected a lecture from the scriptures. Well we talked a lot and have been friend ever since. The guy was devastated at the time and I tried to reassure her that that was normal. I told her about the youth group we intended to start for HIV + youth and asked her to tell him to come. It would help to talk about it I thought.
Three months down the line, Antony who was in his internship year at medical school had been in and out of hospital a number of times because of depression. Alice begged him to come and meet me or any person living with HIV so that he could draw strength from our positive lives and get out of his darkness but he couldn’t hear of it. He started drinking too much. I couldn’t take what this was doing to Alice anymore, it’s like she was HIV+ herself.
I know its hard(been there) at first to learn you are HIV+ but I believe it requires inner strength to get out of the dark hole this news drops you into. The longer you grieve the more you affect those around you. No one wants to be around negative people so you will definitely lose friends, your job and even family not even because they know your HIV+ status.
Alice was in my office yesterday and after our usual chat about everything she goes like,
“By the way my ex passed away.”
“What ex? When?” I ask. I had no idea they had broken up.
“He died on Friday and I think he committed suicide.” She explains.
“I am so sorry.” I say because I wouldn’t even begin to understand what she was going through. We talk for awhile and then I she left.
I am sad for Alice- this is something she wont forget in a while, I am sad for Antony’s family but a large part of me is sad at what Antony may have let himself go through before he decided to end his life. Testing HIV+ is hard. Its probably the hardest thing that ever happened to my life so far, the first few days are confusing and full of pain but as Stephen King once said,
“Time takes it all. Whether you want it or not, time takes it all away, times bares it away; and in the end there is only and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we leave them there again.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
'Mummy blues'
I am having a very easy day. My boss is out for some training and i can finally relax. This is a relief seeing as I haven’t had a slow day in the office since January. I am enjoying my short-lived freedom because I don’t think I will have another day like this one in a long while.
I wont be bothered by all the work that I have put on hold today…no I wont. I will reply all my mails and make new friends on the net. That’s what I will do. Then I will IM all my buddies at around 3pm.
I miss my son. I really do. This is a new feeling for me seeing as the past years of his life I only saw him for a couple of days or a week if I was lucky. I had him two weeks before college.
I finally managed to convince my parents to let him stay with me. I wanted a shot at being mum before he becomes a man and I can’t go into his room and discuss girls with him or hug him in public……..
Nothing prepared me for the transition though. My domain was invaded and boy wasn’t it overwhelming.
No more unnecessary fun-I have fees to pay now.
No more junk food- a baby needs a nutritious meal so that means cooking everyday.
No more working late- he is home at 4pm and needs help with his homework.
No more waking up late; even on weekends. His noise and pranks would not let you indulge after 7am.
I do laundry and sort out uniforms and go to the market and recently bought needle and thread. I am a complete MUM. When most of your sentences begin with ‘don’t do this/that’ or ‘why you didn’t…’ then you are a mum
Well the first couple of months were spent with us clashing and adjusting. I guess that’s to be expected seeing as this was the first time in 8 years we were stuck together without my parents.
Junior is currently on school holiday and visiting my parents. I get to sleep most of the weekends but it’s not fun anymore. The house is soooooooo boring without him. I miss his jokes and his baby laugh. I miss talking about his feelings for his girlfriend, and I want to pick up after him and I am tired of not having him around for supper. Oh! When will the school holiday come to an end?
Most of all I miss his smile. It’s the first thing I see in the morning when we all struggle to wake up and get him ready for school. That smile means the world to me….makes me realize what a handsome young man I’m gonna have in a few years. The smile makes up for a lot of things in my life and gives me reason to soldier on even when all appears lost.
I MISS MY SON!
I wont be bothered by all the work that I have put on hold today…no I wont. I will reply all my mails and make new friends on the net. That’s what I will do. Then I will IM all my buddies at around 3pm.
I miss my son. I really do. This is a new feeling for me seeing as the past years of his life I only saw him for a couple of days or a week if I was lucky. I had him two weeks before college.
I finally managed to convince my parents to let him stay with me. I wanted a shot at being mum before he becomes a man and I can’t go into his room and discuss girls with him or hug him in public……..
Nothing prepared me for the transition though. My domain was invaded and boy wasn’t it overwhelming.
No more unnecessary fun-I have fees to pay now.
No more junk food- a baby needs a nutritious meal so that means cooking everyday.
No more working late- he is home at 4pm and needs help with his homework.
No more waking up late; even on weekends. His noise and pranks would not let you indulge after 7am.
I do laundry and sort out uniforms and go to the market and recently bought needle and thread. I am a complete MUM. When most of your sentences begin with ‘don’t do this/that’ or ‘why you didn’t…’ then you are a mum
Well the first couple of months were spent with us clashing and adjusting. I guess that’s to be expected seeing as this was the first time in 8 years we were stuck together without my parents.
Junior is currently on school holiday and visiting my parents. I get to sleep most of the weekends but it’s not fun anymore. The house is soooooooo boring without him. I miss his jokes and his baby laugh. I miss talking about his feelings for his girlfriend, and I want to pick up after him and I am tired of not having him around for supper. Oh! When will the school holiday come to an end?
Most of all I miss his smile. It’s the first thing I see in the morning when we all struggle to wake up and get him ready for school. That smile means the world to me….makes me realize what a handsome young man I’m gonna have in a few years. The smile makes up for a lot of things in my life and gives me reason to soldier on even when all appears lost.
I MISS MY SON!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
TAKE THE LEAD......
World AIDS Day!
According to UNAIDS estimates, there are now 39.5 million people living with HIV, including 2.3 million children. During 2006 some 4.3 million people became newly infected with the virus. Around half of all people who become infected with HIV do so before they are 25 and are killed by AIDS before they are 35.
Around 95% of people with HIV/AIDS live in developing nations. But HIV today is a threat to men, women and children on all continents around the world.
Started on 1st December 1988, World AIDS Day is not just about raising money, but also about increasing awareness, fighting prejudice and improving education. World AIDS Day is important in reminding people that HIV has not gone away, and that there are many things still to be done.
The theme for World AIDS Day 2007
World AIDS Day was originally organised by UNAIDS, who chose the theme after consultation with other organisations. In 2005 UNAIDS handed over responsibility for World AIDS Day to an independent organisation known as The World AIDS Campaign (WAC).
The WAC’s slogan for their work is "Stop AIDS: Keep the Promise". This is an appeal to governments, policy makers and regional health authorities to ensure that they meet the many targets that have been set in the fight against HIV and AIDS, and especially the promise of universal access to HIV treatment, care, support and prevention services by 2010.
This campaign will run until 2010, with a related theme chosen for World AIDS Day each year.
The 2007 theme, “leadership”, highlights the need for innovation, vision and perseverance in the face of the AIDS challenge. The campaign calls on all sectors of society such as families, communities and civil society organisations - rather than just governments - to take the initiative and provide leadership on AIDS.
Wherever we are, we can ‘take the lead’ and do our part in the fight against HIV/AIDS
According to UNAIDS estimates, there are now 39.5 million people living with HIV, including 2.3 million children. During 2006 some 4.3 million people became newly infected with the virus. Around half of all people who become infected with HIV do so before they are 25 and are killed by AIDS before they are 35.
Around 95% of people with HIV/AIDS live in developing nations. But HIV today is a threat to men, women and children on all continents around the world.
Started on 1st December 1988, World AIDS Day is not just about raising money, but also about increasing awareness, fighting prejudice and improving education. World AIDS Day is important in reminding people that HIV has not gone away, and that there are many things still to be done.
The theme for World AIDS Day 2007
World AIDS Day was originally organised by UNAIDS, who chose the theme after consultation with other organisations. In 2005 UNAIDS handed over responsibility for World AIDS Day to an independent organisation known as The World AIDS Campaign (WAC).
The WAC’s slogan for their work is "Stop AIDS: Keep the Promise". This is an appeal to governments, policy makers and regional health authorities to ensure that they meet the many targets that have been set in the fight against HIV and AIDS, and especially the promise of universal access to HIV treatment, care, support and prevention services by 2010.
This campaign will run until 2010, with a related theme chosen for World AIDS Day each year.
The 2007 theme, “leadership”, highlights the need for innovation, vision and perseverance in the face of the AIDS challenge. The campaign calls on all sectors of society such as families, communities and civil society organisations - rather than just governments - to take the initiative and provide leadership on AIDS.
Wherever we are, we can ‘take the lead’ and do our part in the fight against HIV/AIDS
Sunday, September 2, 2007
I AIN'T A SAINT
Growing up I can say I had a lot in life,
Loving parents, annoying teachers, wonderful siblings, annoying neighbours,
Some thought me good, some thought me spoilt
A variety of good and painful memories are mixed up in my head,
Hell, I know I was never a saint!
At eighteen I had what others called my first biggest fall,
And brought into this world a bouncing baby boy,
After sleepless nights of deciding whether he deserved to live or not.
But now I look at my boy and see no fall,
I see a blessing,
Whoever said I was a saint?
Come college life and I was there in full,
Having my fun and enjoying my age,
I was a mother,
But I was also in my twenties,
Some things in an age you just have to do,
I can never say I regret it,
But I never said I was a saint, did I?
Finally, out in the world at last,
Responsibilities calling harder and maturity finally settling in
I look back but don't regret a thing,
All my experiences made me who I am!
And I sure didn't turn out a saint!
Less than half an hour,
That’s the time it took to rock my world,
And send it in a spin that took what looked like forever to stop
I am HIV positive,
Is this the end?
Who to break the news to?
Family first, at least the ones I trust,
And the ones that are stronger,
Friends next, and watch most disappear, leaving me in the shadows,
And I would have stayed there longer too, if it hadn't been for other friends,
And of course, Family!
Now it’s out in the open,
Not just for my family and friends,
But for the whole world to see,
Losing more friends and family this time
I am sorry if it embarrasses you,
To let others know you are associated with me,
But I have to think about me too,
Loving parents, annoying teachers, wonderful siblings, annoying neighbours,
Some thought me good, some thought me spoilt
A variety of good and painful memories are mixed up in my head,
Hell, I know I was never a saint!
At eighteen I had what others called my first biggest fall,
And brought into this world a bouncing baby boy,
After sleepless nights of deciding whether he deserved to live or not.
But now I look at my boy and see no fall,
I see a blessing,
Whoever said I was a saint?
Come college life and I was there in full,
Having my fun and enjoying my age,
I was a mother,
But I was also in my twenties,
Some things in an age you just have to do,
I can never say I regret it,
But I never said I was a saint, did I?
Finally, out in the world at last,
Responsibilities calling harder and maturity finally settling in
I look back but don't regret a thing,
All my experiences made me who I am!
And I sure didn't turn out a saint!
Less than half an hour,
That’s the time it took to rock my world,
And send it in a spin that took what looked like forever to stop
I am HIV positive,
Is this the end?
Who to break the news to?
Family first, at least the ones I trust,
And the ones that are stronger,
Friends next, and watch most disappear, leaving me in the shadows,
And I would have stayed there longer too, if it hadn't been for other friends,
And of course, Family!
Now it’s out in the open,
Not just for my family and friends,
But for the whole world to see,
Losing more friends and family this time
I am sorry if it embarrasses you,
To let others know you are associated with me,
But I have to think about me too,
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