BUYING TIME Vs LIVING LIFE.

One Saturday every month I go for a group meeting with a bunch of HIV positive guys like me. The group that I helped start had about 9 people on the first day and has been growing ever since. It’s sort of like an AA (alcohol anonymous) meeting where we all come together to talk about issues related to HIV that we go through as well as educate each other.

I haven’t been a fun of support groups because the few I went to before weren’t exciting, I am not a fun of sad stories either and I sort of felt the members there were dwelling more on what had happened rather than what they could do now that they are HIV positive.
Our meeting is fun I look forward to it every month. We encourage each other to have fun, be healthy, kick butt and be productive. I think since it’s specially tailored for the youth, this works just fine.

So Saturday we had our June meeting and on record 24 people attended. I was so proud of me. I started this group, I was scared that I would end up in it alone with the two people who help me facilitate the meetings but 4 months down the line we have 24 people meeting to talk and be friends? Awesome.

Issues of discussions range from fun, dating and relationships to children, families, parenting and work. We let our guards down and talk about our fears and we disclose stuff that would make our friends scream. Actually for most of the people in the group this is the only time they can be real. Because their friends, workmates or relatives don’t know they are HIV positive.

This Saturday we had an interesting and heated discussion on why people who aren’t on medication yet should religiously take septrin. Let me go off on a tangent,
This is my fourth year with this virus, I am not on medication and aside from a cold whenever everyone has one I am fine. I haven’t ever been so sick I was hospitalized or didn’t wake up to go to work. I am lucky I guess and I am not taking any septrins.

Every time I go for my clinic visit, my doctor and I have this discussion about the need for me to take septrins and I keep refusing. He goes on and on about how the drug helps keep infections away….to which I silently go like I haven’t ever been sick anyway. My CD4 has always ranged between 621-800 I think I am fine. I hate medicines, of every kind. I don’t finish doses, its only recently that I started taking my antibiotics medication seriously and that was because my face was so acne infested and I was trying to get better. What I tell myself and the doctor all the time is I will eat well and stay happy and when my immunity gets low I will start on my ARV’s I don’t want to take any medications in between unless I am treating something.

I got to face the septrin issue at the meeting yesterday when the ‘pro septrin’ guys came up strongly to defend their case.
“Septrin is a prophylaxis that helps keep infections like pneumonia away.” one member said. “Whaaaaaaat?”
That got my attention. Okay there are about three opportunistic infections related to HIV that scare me T.B(and this is so bad I don’t even hang out in filled up joints), pneumonia(I have seen two friends get this and get hospitalized) and Herpes( the pain……I don’t think I can stand all that pain). I pray to God everyday to keep these diseases away from me.
So the mention of pneumonia got me so scared Iam actually thinking of taking the damn tablet, but I still have my reservations.

One of the reasons why I don’t want the drug is because once in while I will go clubbing and take a drink. Sometimes…. i take one drink too many. I wouldn’t want to mix that with alcohol; in fact I wouldn’t want to mix any meds with alcohol at all.
“I take my septrins till Thursday and go off till Sunday.” Another member said.
“No that’s wrong, you shouldn’t break off taking the medication blab bla bla……’ and the discussion went on and on.

Something came out clear for me in that meeting, as much as we all had something in common, we were totally different in our ways of dealing with it.
There are some of us who believe they are ‘buying time.’ Everyday they live with this virus. Then there are some of us who are ‘living life’. We are aware of what this virus can do, try our level best to do what is right to stay healthy but have decided to live life like everyday was our last; drawing every positive thing out of it, shaking off or shrugging all the negative energy. Then there are those that don’t give a rats ass about anything at all (I see a lot of these people at my office) they just want to die. A small issue like popping a 500 mg tablet everyday will not bring out the same views by all these three groups.

“Everyday you wake up the first thing you think about is I have HIV and you just bought more time” one member said.
I wanted to differ with her but I stopped because that’s how life is for her.

That’s not what I think everyday when I wake up. I don’t go about my business telling myself I have HIV so I will do this or that….actually I am more driven by what useful things I will do that day. We are all going to die someday and not necessarily due to complications of AIDS. So the buying time thingy doesn’t hold water for me.
We all see things differently like for example someone probably thinks they are walking around with a disease and are scared to even put on make up and go have fun, or take risks like having a baby or going for that new promotion because for them life stopped at the HIV+ verdict and the rest of it is 'extra time' as they wait for death. For others this is time to catch up on all life has to offer.

Whatever our differences in opinion, one thing is common, we all have the virus and we all want to live for as long as we want. I tell people all the time that there isn’t any manual for living with this virus. You just have to 'fine tune stuff' one day at a time and in a couple of years know what works for you.
Whenever someone asks what special thing I do to stay this healthy, i tell them I laugh. Sincerely I am not on any diet at all, I don’t do anything special, and I want my life to be as normal as any other person my age. I just stay happy and laugh out a lot even at my own problems (which I have started viewing as opportunities).I believe laughter is the best medicine and I indulge in it a lot.
I believe in living my life to full potential….more like eating the ice-cream before it melts away. That has worked for me. Whatever situation you are in. Find what works for you.