UNBELIEVABLE WOMEN:

I have been around enough jerks in my short life that I believe nothing about a man can shock me. Women? Not so much. I have more guy friends than I have women friends so I never really know much about what they are capable of. So that explains why I am honestly shocked by this particular woman.

My friend Mike and I go a long way back. The guy has been with me through mud and dirt, he is a nice guy….well not in every sense, he has a number of bad boy habits to his ratings but in general he is a nice guy. He is cute too. Tall and dark and his chest!!(I’m the chest girl) I mean, I’d probably be dating him if he didn’t get into the friendship basket.

Mike came over for a visit yesterday. He wanted us to go have a drink, I was tempted to say yes but I have an irritating cough that I need to get rid of before the weekend so I can’t drink. We stay home to catch up and for next hour or so my friend talks about nothing else but his girlfriend Fiona.

Fiona and Mike have been dating for two years now. She lives in Mombasa. Mike works and stays in Nairobi. Mike pays for the house she stays in, started a salon business for her and apparently has been making lifelong plans with her. She was to be his wife, mother of his kids and he trusted that their love would take all the challenges of the long distance relationship.
That wasn’t to be for as we sat in my house drinking coffee, Fiona was getting married to some Rich business man at the South coast.

Okay I have been around heartbroken women, I know the drill, we meet up a couple of friends for support then head to the ‘victims house’. We would call the bastard names, perhaps trying to convince our friend that she is better off without him. Binge on chocolate, ice cream, or wine as we rip off the bastard’s clothes and pictures. Sometimes we’d listen to ‘girl power.’ songs like ‘heartbreak hotel by witney Houston. Breakup parties are weird but fun. This is (on most occasions) the time that you get sooooo high and kiss the girl next to you. Perfectly normal seeing as we are hating on men the whole night (I read that from the net)

I however do not know how to deal with a heartbroken man, we can’t call this woman names because he thinks he understands why she chose the other guy over him. : I think he has more money than I do and well he is closer to her.” He tries rationalizing her actions
“Maybe I should have visited her more often.” He goes on. I want to scream. I am of course not allowed to say anything even as profanities build up in my head. So i nod and pretend to understand.

Crap! I don’t understand how a woman I met in October for three weeks, lived with my friend for three weeks, made plans with him for three weeks; goes off and gets married to some other guy a week later needs to be excused. That’s a mad woman. I don’t care if the guy is Donald trump or if his sex is great. There are afew things about being a polished and refined woman. And those are the women men need to marry. I am a bad girl but even I know the limits.
Women of grace don’t behave that way. Women of grace break up with guy number one then date guy number two. That way there are no issues when you decide to marry him.

Unless of course from the word go it’s clear to both of you that the relationship is about sex and fun. Then that’s a whole different script. That’s why they are called ‘open relationships’….there are no rules.
A small part of me feels sad for Mike, a big part is relieved he didn’t end up with this woman. God knows what levels of betrayal she is capable of. I am kind of sorry for ‘Coasto Donald trump’. I will bet alcohol for the next year that this guy will be raising a kid or two that aren’t his. And that my friend is why you shouldn’t marry a woman without a conscience!

*Names have been changed.

MUMMY NEVER SAID THERE WILL BE DAYS LIKE THIS

My mum, I must admit prepared me for every worse case scenario this world would throw at my feet. After all she took me to boarding school at age seven and from that early age I did learn how to fend for myself, to fight for the little resources available and to make myself heard. I mean I knew from a very early age that I couldn't physically fight, most of the girls I got into fights with always left me crying like a baby and wishing I was at home under the comforts of my daddy’s obsessive care. So I learnt how to fight with my words and my brains. Used to work perfectly fine…still does.

I believe my up bringing has made me the open minded person that I am today. Like I don’t think I shock easily at people’s revelations. I don’t sneer at what the society considers ‘immoral’. In fact I totally believe in freedom of expression. So long as what you are doing doesn’t hurt me or someone else then well you are free to indulge in it. What I tell people all the time is whatever choices we make come will a whole basket of responsibilities.

Something interesting did happen today. I am actually left wondering where I range in the ‘open minded people index’.

I got a visit from some lady today afternoon. Very pretty girl by the way. She wanted someone to talk to about HIV and stuff like that. We close the door to my office and chit chat about HIV and the need to go for the test and create awareness on the issue.

“You must take the test very often.” She says

“Why would you think that?’ I ask

“Because you work here and have access to the testing site all the time.” She replies laughing.

“Well, I don’t go for the test often, I went for it once and didn't need to do it again.” I reply.

Then we talk about me and HIV for a while. Grace (that’s what we will call her) tells me she would like to volunteer with us.

I tell her about our volunteer policy and that we don’t take people in the last quarter of the year because normally we are too busy to train people.

“How about you bring us your papers and we cal you first thing next year.” I suggest.

I notice she is getting uncomfortable and ask why. I wish I didn't ask because I don’t think anything prepared me for Grace’s revelation

Grace is a guy. As in completely dude dick, hairy chest and all. He just likes to dress up like a woman and be one. The closest I have been to some woman trapped in a guy’s body in on Tyra banks show. I didn't know what to say and for a moment I just kept staring at him/her.

He is a final year student and would really like for an opportunity to do his internship with us. He has been to other organizations but no one wants him there. He chose to come to us because he knows we fight stigma and discrimination.

“Please bring your papers tomorrow and lets see how we can help.” I say when I find my voice.

I honestly don’t know how best I will be of help to this guy; I don’t even know if I could. One things for sure. No one told me there would be a day like this!

I'M EVERY WOMAN............

Today I am being such a woman. I am throwing tantrums, feeling insecure, speaking at the top of my voice and I actually tried sneering! Why? I don’t know. All I know is I’m having such a good time doing it.

Speaking of good times, I did turn into a ‘Stella’ last weekend and ‘got my grove back.’ I’m still amazed at what a hermit I have been. I am always busy looking out for other people and between work, my son, my sisters and the long list of sisters in my support group my day is full.
I have no time for anything else.

That was until I got this offer from someone to reach out for strength whenever I needed it.
“Other guys come to you and then you can come dump it one us.” they said. Of course at first I viewed the offer with a lot of skeptism. People normally don’t call me with offers of strength but to ask it from me. After a couple of days i thought to myself "why not?"

I decided to forget everyone and think about me and for a whole week that’s what I did. I was shocked at how much I haven’t done this year. I will not even give a time frame for the sex fast; I haven’t gone out on a date or done any crazy thing this year. We are in October and the most I’ve done is getting wasted with my girlfriends. That’s not very nice.

Took a trip last weekend to find fun and adventure and I found that and more. I enjoyed every moment of someone taking care of me for a change. It was nice not to pick any calls that are HIV+ related for a change, I had fun just hanging out with people who didn’t know who I was and if I had the virus. I totally had fun.

Most of all I discovered what fun it was to be a woman, to listen to someone take charge for a change, even when they aren’t always right. To make plans with someone, To have someone look at me; and not see a 'strong' woman but a 'hot sexy' one. This was the highlight of my weekend.
Glad to know that beneath the tough 'miss have it together' exterior lies a passionate, warm WOMAN!

RELIGIOUS OR HUMAN

"I have no doubt about it that [if] Jesus were here today, he'd be hanging out with people who have HIV/AIDS," he said on CNN. "There's no doubt in my mind about that because they are the lepers of the 21st century." Rick Warren, pastor and author of The Purpose-Driven Life.

I don’t frequent the church and have often wondered why i am lethargic most Sundays. I went to Boarding school so young, and this being a catholic school we were expected to be up early to attend morning mass. I was seven years at the time; I didn’t understand why we had to wake up so early or why we had to chant prayers every evening before bed. Before long, I viewed going to church as one of the boring school activities and sometimes punishment.
Every time I could go confess my sins, depending on how big or small they were(that is what I thought at the time) I would be asked to say as many as 50hail Mary’s to seek penance for my sins. Out of school and everything that was routine. Well once in a while I would religiously go to church but then at some point wasn’t so enthusiastic about it.

I am not a saint, I tell that to people all the time, in fact I clarify that I am not very religious. I have a relationship with God (though I know some will argue that this isn’t possible if I don’t go to church) and I have hope and faith. I believe in doing Good things to people, giving hope and being able to sleep at night knowing very well I put a smile on someone’s face.
I think this is the reason I am surrounded by friends who are religious (Saved) and even hold positions of office in their various churches. We respect each others opinion and that works just fine. One of these people is Catherine. Allow me to Digress

I wrote about Catherine a couple of Months ago. She was so sick at the time and we all thought she would die. Catherine was pregnant and dumped by the father of her baby. She stressed about it and got so sick she was in and out of hospital. Well she did have her baby-prematurely. She lost the baby five days later and was so devastated. She is okay now and going through counseling to help her cope with her loses.

Catherine and I have long talks all the time. Any person living with this virus openly will tell you how much talking about our issues head on is therapeutic. So today Catherine wanted to talk and as I let her into my office and closed the door, I saw tears in her eyes. I expected her to talk about the baby or her stupid ex but that’s not what is bugging her today.
Catherine feels pained by the actions or lack of them from her church through out her darkest and lowest moment. She confided in her ‘cell leader’ about being pregnant and the man leaving her.

“I could see from her eyes that she wasn’t happy.” she sadly remembers. After a lot of soul-searching and of course tears Catherine stepped down from her position in the church. “I didn’t want them to tell me to step down.” She says
“Last Sunday when I went to church, my cell members were all greeting me full of smiles and telling me they are sorry about me being sick.” Catherine has tears in her eyes now.

All Catherine would silently ask herself was “what did you guys do when you found out I was sick?” no body mentioned about her baby and I guess this was a taboo topic of discussion.
A long lecture from her cell leader is what’s bugging my friend the most. This leader believes that Catherine isn’t sick for no reason but because “she left Gods path and was being punished for it.” Then she implied that the baby dying was sort of justified because this wasn’t God’s child. God’s children are born within marriages I guess.

I am not religious but I know damn well what being human is. I guess most of what the religious books that we read (regardless of our religions) do is to teach us how to be humane. Being humane asks this of us; to be kindhearted and compassionate and loving. It’s empathizing with someone and offering a helping hand even if that person is a total stranger.

I don’t know what happens in cell groups but I guess it wouldn’t be different from what happens in my support group. People meeting once in a while to learn from each other and constantly watch out for each other. Catherine has been in this church for close to a decade and she doesn’t even get a text message to acknowledge her pain. How mean are these people?

I have seen this girl go through worse times in the last few months. This is the time she needed all her friends. I have seen all of us (most who don’t even go to any church) do everything in our power to get her all the help (medical or otherwise) that she needs.
We rejoiced with her when her baby was born. We offered our shoulders for her to cry when the baby passed on. Called and sent messages to give her support, to let her know she would pull through. We urged her to pick up the pieces of her heart that were so messed up and move on.
I wonder how hard it was for these people who share a spiritual bond with Catherine to even send a text message. Even one that says, “We are praying for your quick recovery.”

Most of all I wonder why people act so perfect when they have lives full of imperfections. If Jesus were in Catherine’s ‘cell’ is that how he would have treated her? Pretend nothing was going on when she was sick and later pass on judgment to justify why he wasn’t there for her in time of need?

The few times I have been in church I hear us tell each other how much Jesus loved us and how we should love each other in the same way. What does this mean?
Are we Christians because we go to church or are we Christians because we practice the teachings of Jesus? I honestly would like to know.

A PRAYER FOR CATHERINE

Today is probably one of those days i classify as dark. I was woken up by a workmate because one of us was very sick and needed to be rushed to the hospital. It would probably just be any other day because such emergencies are what my work is all about; but today it was my best friend at work. Allow me to digress,

Cathrine has alwyas been the girl i would come to the office to catch up and gossip with, infact every morning before we started work we would take sometime off to chat, gossip, tell each other our dreams and fears, talk about our sex lives....or lack of it. O n the outside we actually had nothig in common, She is the religious straight and good morals girl she even has a post in the childrens ministy in her church and i.....well i am the crazy,risk taker full of guts and a loud mouth. What brought us so close was our status and what we go through at work. and boy werent we close.

At the begining of this year though, Cathrine told me she was expecting. We were happy, had a evening out to toast her new developements. Our hapiness was shortlived because just two days later, her boyfriend of one year walked out on her.

My friend changed from the ussual happy girl to a cry baby daily as she went about her heart break, she turned pale and thin and thinner as weeks went by. I tried....We all tried to help her forget this stupid son of a bitch but i guese some things arent as easy as we want them to be.

HIV and stress dont really work well together, and before long my friend was sick with one ailment after another, popping in as many as 20 tablets a day including her ARV's. She looked so bad i once asked her to terminate the pregnancy. Most of the people did but she wouldnt hear of it.
So i sat and waited, everyday hoping she will get better...that she would not die of this serious need to get a child, a child whose stupid father is married to another woman right now. She is 5 months pregnant now but is always sick and is so thin i dont look forward to seeing her anymore. Is that too bad? she is my friend but she is a constatnt reminder of what this virus can do to me.

Back to today, Cathrine is sick again and as i write this has been rushed to hospital, she had a seisure in the morning. To top it up she could be losing the baby....her water just broke.

I leave for a meeting that i know i wont give my all in just a bit......because i am terribly worried for my friend....terribly mad at her at the same time too......and super angry at her stupid ex.
I am saying a prayer though that everything works okay and i dont lose a friend today....well maybe because i dont trust my self to be strong enough for it.
Say a prayer for Cathrine too.
*Not her real name

BUYING TIME Vs LIVING LIFE.

One Saturday every month I go for a group meeting with a bunch of HIV positive guys like me. The group that I helped start had about 9 people on the first day and has been growing ever since. It’s sort of like an AA (alcohol anonymous) meeting where we all come together to talk about issues related to HIV that we go through as well as educate each other.

I haven’t been a fun of support groups because the few I went to before weren’t exciting, I am not a fun of sad stories either and I sort of felt the members there were dwelling more on what had happened rather than what they could do now that they are HIV positive.
Our meeting is fun I look forward to it every month. We encourage each other to have fun, be healthy, kick butt and be productive. I think since it’s specially tailored for the youth, this works just fine.

So Saturday we had our June meeting and on record 24 people attended. I was so proud of me. I started this group, I was scared that I would end up in it alone with the two people who help me facilitate the meetings but 4 months down the line we have 24 people meeting to talk and be friends? Awesome.

Issues of discussions range from fun, dating and relationships to children, families, parenting and work. We let our guards down and talk about our fears and we disclose stuff that would make our friends scream. Actually for most of the people in the group this is the only time they can be real. Because their friends, workmates or relatives don’t know they are HIV positive.

This Saturday we had an interesting and heated discussion on why people who aren’t on medication yet should religiously take septrin. Let me go off on a tangent,
This is my fourth year with this virus, I am not on medication and aside from a cold whenever everyone has one I am fine. I haven’t ever been so sick I was hospitalized or didn’t wake up to go to work. I am lucky I guess and I am not taking any septrins.

Every time I go for my clinic visit, my doctor and I have this discussion about the need for me to take septrins and I keep refusing. He goes on and on about how the drug helps keep infections away….to which I silently go like I haven’t ever been sick anyway. My CD4 has always ranged between 621-800 I think I am fine. I hate medicines, of every kind. I don’t finish doses, its only recently that I started taking my antibiotics medication seriously and that was because my face was so acne infested and I was trying to get better. What I tell myself and the doctor all the time is I will eat well and stay happy and when my immunity gets low I will start on my ARV’s I don’t want to take any medications in between unless I am treating something.

I got to face the septrin issue at the meeting yesterday when the ‘pro septrin’ guys came up strongly to defend their case.
“Septrin is a prophylaxis that helps keep infections like pneumonia away.” one member said. “Whaaaaaaat?”
That got my attention. Okay there are about three opportunistic infections related to HIV that scare me T.B(and this is so bad I don’t even hang out in filled up joints), pneumonia(I have seen two friends get this and get hospitalized) and Herpes( the pain……I don’t think I can stand all that pain). I pray to God everyday to keep these diseases away from me.
So the mention of pneumonia got me so scared Iam actually thinking of taking the damn tablet, but I still have my reservations.

One of the reasons why I don’t want the drug is because once in while I will go clubbing and take a drink. Sometimes…. i take one drink too many. I wouldn’t want to mix that with alcohol; in fact I wouldn’t want to mix any meds with alcohol at all.
“I take my septrins till Thursday and go off till Sunday.” Another member said.
“No that’s wrong, you shouldn’t break off taking the medication blab bla bla……’ and the discussion went on and on.

Something came out clear for me in that meeting, as much as we all had something in common, we were totally different in our ways of dealing with it.
There are some of us who believe they are ‘buying time.’ Everyday they live with this virus. Then there are some of us who are ‘living life’. We are aware of what this virus can do, try our level best to do what is right to stay healthy but have decided to live life like everyday was our last; drawing every positive thing out of it, shaking off or shrugging all the negative energy. Then there are those that don’t give a rats ass about anything at all (I see a lot of these people at my office) they just want to die. A small issue like popping a 500 mg tablet everyday will not bring out the same views by all these three groups.

“Everyday you wake up the first thing you think about is I have HIV and you just bought more time” one member said.
I wanted to differ with her but I stopped because that’s how life is for her.

That’s not what I think everyday when I wake up. I don’t go about my business telling myself I have HIV so I will do this or that….actually I am more driven by what useful things I will do that day. We are all going to die someday and not necessarily due to complications of AIDS. So the buying time thingy doesn’t hold water for me.
We all see things differently like for example someone probably thinks they are walking around with a disease and are scared to even put on make up and go have fun, or take risks like having a baby or going for that new promotion because for them life stopped at the HIV+ verdict and the rest of it is 'extra time' as they wait for death. For others this is time to catch up on all life has to offer.

Whatever our differences in opinion, one thing is common, we all have the virus and we all want to live for as long as we want. I tell people all the time that there isn’t any manual for living with this virus. You just have to 'fine tune stuff' one day at a time and in a couple of years know what works for you.
Whenever someone asks what special thing I do to stay this healthy, i tell them I laugh. Sincerely I am not on any diet at all, I don’t do anything special, and I want my life to be as normal as any other person my age. I just stay happy and laugh out a lot even at my own problems (which I have started viewing as opportunities).I believe laughter is the best medicine and I indulge in it a lot.
I believe in living my life to full potential….more like eating the ice-cream before it melts away. That has worked for me. Whatever situation you are in. Find what works for you.

Beyond ‘the valley’

I am reading a book by a woman I have grown to admire so much; Iyanla Vanzant. The book "Value in the Valley” is interesting to read and very inspirational as well. Makes me take a deep look into my life each day.

Iyanla describes the valley as any dark moment in a black woman’s life when she feels like she has lost it all. The book has taught me that with a little faith, I could find a lesson and make the best(Value) out of any situation or 'dark valley' i am in.
As I go through the book I can't help looking into my life and picking out them ‘dark valleys’ and the possible lessons or positive notes.

This year started on a sad note for all Kenyans. Thank God my family survived the skirmishes. I may have not been directly affected but alot of our members who i have now become emotionally attached to were. I just never realised how much their plight affected me.

I have gone through the last three months listening to our members stories, some of them have been affected by these clashes in more ways than one. They have lost relatives, houses, all their belongings and their hope for life.

For some of us, the hope of living through another day with this virus is all that keeps us going. Being hit by life’s battles get us so down some of us getting so sick in those low moments we wish we had died in the first place.

“I was chased from my house with nothing; I have been wearing the same clothes for a whole week.” Doreen one of our youth members said to me.
“How about your children?” I ask concerned for I know the young one is less than six months old.
‘They are fine; we are camping at Ruaraka police station.” She replies, she hasn’t showered in days and is itching all over.

After my usual psychobabbles about taking my helping hand too far, I take her to my house for a bath and get her clean clothes.
Out store keeper gets some food, blankets and clothes for her and her babies from our office and I ask her to bring in the babies for medical checkup.


She leaves and I am left wishing I could do more. Maybe house her and her children if I could, maybe get them a house and pay the rent, maybe….
I can’t do much and feel so helpless.

So after a number of stories each more sad or worse than the last, I start hating my job. I lose psyche, I don’t talk much. What’s there to say, we have alot of our members out in the rain and mosquitoes.
As days go by I sink ever so slowly into the valley of defeat. I feel lost; I become dull and irritable and resign from work. My boss refuses to let me go. Giving me a long lecture of what potential she has seen in me bla bla bla.

Well Thank God for small favors, a week out of the office and hours and hours of soul searching plus ‘the book’ have brought my old self back. I even wrote my first post of the year! Yey!

I tested HIV positive about 4 years ago for a reason. I am in KENWA with all the resources at my disposal for a reason……a reason I know too well. I can’t afford to give up now.
I may not be able to help everyone or do everything, but I will do my best each day.

REAPING FROM GOOD..............

Most times we often wonder why we should be good to people. I know because i get lectures about what a fool i am whenever i try to help and i end up being played- happens most of the time.
My friend Doris once told me i don't know how to look for the bad in people. Maybe she was right. Well situations make us change though.
So a few years later and living with this virus has made me a little weary of people and what they can do. Still old habits die hard. I am still easily reduced to tears at sad stories i hear from the women we serve. I feel so bad whenever i can't be able to help.
Mondays are my days in the office, i get to meet all the women in need of seed money as capital for business. I have to listen to their stories and decide which cases are needy. At the end of the day; whatever issue i have looks 'small'. -this should explain why i love my Monday drinks.

I have always been the 'mother Teresa' of the crowd. I still I'm to some extent only this time non of the people around me; friends and family will let me overindulge in the virtue/vice. You see most of the time when you give yourself to something or someone without question,you end up hurt.
A bout a year after my HIV positive verdict i took on the role of ' Aunt Tabby.' Everyone comes to me with all these problems they cant tell anyone. 'My boyfriend is cheating on me, what do i do?" or ' i have this condition is it normal?' or ' i want to go for a VCT test please take me.' I try to be there. Most of the time i give my all. My friends- the true ones have been with me through 'lots of stuff'.
I learnt something last week. That doing good isn't always in Vain. There will always be those bad cases but the good ones bring so much joy.

Last week, i was stressed because of something and i just couldn't be able to make a decision about what to do. I confided in one of my friends and afterwards i knew what i had to do. You see all she did was remind me something i said to her once. " People treat you the way you let them." I say this to my friends all the time. I also tell them to give their best to people so they can demand the best from them.
I never knew all this would rub off on me someday. Well whatever you do, it doesn't hurt to be Kidogo kind to someone, you just might never know what you reap from it.