TESTING MY SON

A couple of weeks ago, I confronted a fear I have been having for along time now.

I have known my HIV status since 2005. What I have had doubts about since then has been my sons HIV status. I would shrug off all the concerns I had and sometimes put on a brave face and say I am sure he is negative whenever friends and relatives ask.
“I had junior when I was 18years, I am sure I got infected with HIV later on.” I would say sometimes trying so hard to convince myself too.
There is no need to have him tested because he isn't one to get sick frequenly.
“He is fine” my mum would try to reassure me.

The complacent thought flew off my head when last month we admitted a young 19 year old girl in our rescue center. Her mother, a high school teacher gave birth to her while still in college. She later broke up with the child's father and they haven’t met ever since.

Nothing about Mary was different from any child her age, she was'nt sickly, she grew up healthy and okay. Towards the end of last year however, Mary got sick with one ailment after another. Diagnostic HIV test gave positive results confirming fears Mary’s family have had ever since they heard from grapevine that her dad had passed away due to complications of AIDS.

I have been putting off the idea of my son testing for HIV. I actually hate tests….of any kind because with me, they always test positive. One morning though I just snapped and decided to get this over with. I was tired of thinking about it, of being scared of what the results would be, of worrying what I will do in case he turns HIV positive.

“Are you sure you can handle the outcome?” a colleague asked me when I told her about it.
“I don’t know.” I replied
If the results are positive, I will take him home and go out in search of alcohol.” I joked

I went about my day wondering if I had the strength to deal with the outcome of the test. I may sound and look like i have it together most of the time but inside me is a woman who scares very easily. I love my son more than anyone in the world and if his test were to turn positive, then i think a part of me would die.

Junior came to my office after school. I had told him we were going to do a malaria test and get him medication. He has flu or something.

We did the test, the five minutes wait was horrible!I looked at my son smiling at me when i told a joke to distract him. My heart beat fast. I was scared of what my reaction would be. I asked myself a lot of questions and consoled myself.
“We will be fine.” I kept reassuring myself.
“Here are the results Florence, your son is HIV negative.” The nurse told me as she showed me the results.
"You can breath in and out” she continued as I just looked at her in relief.
“I will breath out now because I have been holding my breath all this time.” I replied nearly shouting.
I wanted to scream and jump and do a dance but I couldn’t at the time.

I have had a good nights sleep since then and I am glad I will be having another blessing to count and thank God for.