LETTING GO.

At what point does one let go of all the negative things in their lives and embrace the positive? I ask myself that question every time I meet people who ask for my advice on the various issues affecting them.

Take Jane for instance, she met the guy of her dreams four years ago. They already had wedding plans going on before she discovered she was pregnant and a couple of months later during her antenatal clinic tested positive for HIV.

As soon as her fiancée found out she was HIV positive, he gave her 20,000 bob to abort the foetus and she never heard from him again. Jane carried the pregnancy to term and gave birth to a handsome boy. Jane later lost her job because her boss had found out she was positive.
That’s when she and I met; I was a month old in my office and she had come to cry. Well she did cry and also got milk for her baby after we enrolled her in our program.
A year later, Jane decided to clean up her house and throw away her ex-boyfriends stuff and to her dismay, found clinic papers and receipts from Mbagathi hospital. The papers belonged to her ex and his girlfriend before Jane. And they were dated two months before she and this guy met.

She was crushed when we met that day.
“I will kill him if I set my eyes on him.” She confessed
I was too shocked to say much. I couldn’t believe someone would do something like that….well at the time.
I helped her get counseling to calm her down, but I guess she was angry for a long time. She confronted the guy in the presence of his family and threatened to sue him. Her drama did pay off because she had child support so she was fine.

Jane came to see me sometime last week.
“I need someone to talk to and I don’t have any friend.” She said as she got into my office.
“You are welcome, so what up?” I ask
“I moved in with baba Jeremy.” She starts and I can’t hold my surprise.
“You did what?” I ask
“Its not that I love him or anything like that but I have no choice, I have nowhere to go.” She tries to explain
“Where is Jeremy?” I ask concerned
“He is at home with my mum.” She replies looking relieved.
“So tell me again why you needed to go back to this guy if your son is home?” I ask
This starts a long list of excuses I really don’t agree with. Jane has no job and she had a fight with her auntie so she walked out of her house and went to her ex’s.
“Do you guys have sex? I ask concerned
“Yeah we do.” She replies
“But its not like I enjoy anything, I just do it because I have nowhere to go.” She tries to explain
“Do you use a condom seeing as your guy can’t keep his pants up?” I ask
“Sometimes we don’t, infact I want you to help me see a doc I think I have yeast infection.” She confides.

At this point I almost want to wring her neck myself.
“Jane, are you sure you had no choice other than to go to back to him? Where are your friends? Why didn’t you call any of us?” I ask
“I wish you were back in this guy’s bed because you enjoyed the sex, not because you told yourself you had no other choice.
I of course start a long lecture about everything in life being about choices and then took her to see the doc.

Jane called me at 2pm yesterday; she had been hit by the ex/current guy because she threw tantrums after finding out the guy has another kid who is about four years old.
“You need to know when to let go and move on.” I said as I tried to calm her down. She moved back to her auntie’s yesterday apologetic and stuff.

I keep wondering how many of us hold on to pain, anger, relationships that are doomed, jobs that don’t bring any satisfaction our way but are unwilling to let go? We throw blame at the people we believe gave us HIV and forget we had a part to play in this too. We look for ways to cause them pain but as soon as we do, we realize it’s not worth it.
Or cling to that abusive relationship, or take bullshit from people because we believe we have no other choice. We make excuses like,
“I am in this marriage for the sake of the children.”
“He or she will be destroyed is I left” or
“He/she has to pay for causing me all this pain.”

Sometimes we are too afraid to find out how life would be like if we tried something different, are scared of our own potential; or let people tell us we didn’t have the potential to be anything without them.

I think we ought to realize there are things worth pursuing and those that are better dropped as soon as they stop giving us joy and peace. I came across this sermon by TD Jakes which I believe sums up all I needed to say to Jane or anyone in her shoes.

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.


I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.


When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you,
you can't make them stay.
Let them go.


And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,
it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's
part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.


You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye.
It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye.


It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
and I know whatever God means for me to have
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!


If you are holding on to something
that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves..
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....
LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for you !!!
LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
LET IT GO!!!

My child....my world

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

I met Jane about three months ago when my boss called me to her office.

“Jane is from Kisumu and I believe we need to help her.” she explained.
Apparently Janet had been going through rough patches (she was sick and had just gotten fired at a hospital where she worked as a nurse) and had written a distress letter to my boss who asked her to come in and see her.
She travelled from Kisumu and now didn’t have a place to stay. My boss had decided to give her a volunteer job with us as she regained her health.

Looking at her at the time, I couldn’t help noticing the helpless look on her face. So I reluctantly accepted to take her in. She later on confided in me how on that day she had hit rock bottom and if we didn’t help her she was just going to take poison and feed some to her daughter. I was shocked when she told me that, I have hit my low key moments but I never thought about killing myself before.

My sisters were of course not amused when I broke the news to them,
“Are you sure she will leave at the end of the month?” asked my sister Maha
“You are taking this 'mother Teresa' thing too far sometimes” Admonished my sister Debs.
I was of course panicking for Jane was still sick. She travelled back to get her things and to sort out issues about her 10year old daughter.

She did come back around 2nd of October. Jane spent most of that month sick with one ailment after another. Waking up in the middle of the night because she had serious cramps became the norm. Later on she got hospitalized and after about a week she got better. Jane did get a house and moved in with a cousin she met during our support group meeting.

She has regained her strength and has now been employed in our clinic as one of the nurses. She is good at what she does and seems to be doing fine. I guess that’s the reason why she brought her daughter to Nairobi.
“I am school hunting for her and every academy seems to have crazy fee structures.” She joked
“Welcome to my world dear.” I joked back

Two days after her daughter got to Nairobi, Jane decided to have her tested for HIV. She didn’t have reason to suspect her girl had HIV because she isn’t one prone to illnesses. Being a nurse, she believed she could take whatever the results were. " i was so sure she will test negative." she later on confided.
That however wasn’t the reaction she had when she got the results. Her daughter had tested HIV+.
She was crushed. So crushed we had to take her daughter away from her for a couple of hours.

I couldn’t stop having ‘what if’ thoughts. I just had junior tested a few months ago. What if the results were positive? How would I have dealt with it? would i have been strong about it? its crazy how there is such a thin line between testing positive and negative. Its heartwrenching when the person bearing the positive results is your baby girl or boy.

As we all gathered around her telling her it will be okay and that she could take it. I knew she will need a lot of counseling to get through the next couple of days. She has to accept that her daughter has a delicate health system, the clinic visits and probable medications.

She has to deal with the fact that now she knows for sure when she got infected. Most of us always put this question out of our minds just so we don’t have to look for someone to be angry at. Then she has to deal with her HIV- boyfriend who may probably not be able to take it.
Life's a bitch they say.

TRICKY SITUATIONS.

Mary and I go way back. We both went to the same primary and high school. Her mother was a singe mum and so hot most of us secretly wished she was our mum. Well now that I am fully grown and a single mum I think so highly of her.

Last week I got a call from Mary at night, I didn’t have her number before so when she told me who she was I was excited. “Hie nyako how have you been?” I asked excited
“Flo I need to talk to you.” She replies, no laughter in her voice.
I get that dreadful feeling knowing fully well what this call and meeting is all about. I get these calls everyday but it’s different when it’s someone I know. I ask her to come over the following day.

She did come home on Sunday, she actually woke me up. We close the door to my room and she starts crying. She has been crying since Friday she says as she gives me a piece of paper.
I look at it and it’s the paper that has her results on it. My friend is HIV positive. I let her cry for a while.
“Does your husband know?” I ask
“No, I haven’t told him yet” she replies
“What made you take the test?” I inquire because normally couples are advised to go for couples counseling and then testing.
“I have been so sick in the last three months so my doctor suggested it.” She tells me amid sobs.
Mary is worries at how to tell her husband about her status. I know a lot of women who are in this situation. Most of them fear that the guys will accuse them of being promiscuous, or walk away; some get beaten up both physically and emotionally. This makes most women just go quiet and secretly waste away.

“You have to tell him sweetie,” I try to make her see sense.
“How is your relationship with him?” I ask
“We don’t talk much, he comes home at 2am in the morning and I mostly just sulk.” She says.
“Does he drink?” I ask
“No” she replies and I question what a man who doesn’t drink would be doing out till 2am. Mary doesn’t know, she also doesn’t know exactly what her husband does. He goes out of town for work and can stay away for as long as two weeks.

I insist that she tells her husband however difficult it may be for her. Mary has a child from a previous relationship and is sort of wishing that her husband would just leave.
“I wish he tests negative and then leaves us alone.” She says
“You are just saying that because you are angry.” I say
“No Flo, I was leaving him. My mum insisted I stay but I am so fed up.”

I help Mary to get admission at my clinic on Monday and she calls me to tell me she is fine and will be talking to her husband in a bit. A big part of me was so sure that this will just be a normal case of couples finding out they are both HIV+

I wasn’t prepared for Mary’s call on Wednesday evening. “Flo I am in deep shit.” She says
“Why?” I ask concerned.
“I just came home to find my husbands test results on my dressing table.” She explains
“Ehe?”
“He is HIV negative. How can that be?” she starts to cry again.
“You need to compose your self my dear.” I reply as I explain how normal it is to have discordant couples. I tell her to brace herself because there will be accusations when her husband comes home.
“If you need help talking to me, please let me know okay?” I say. We talk some more and hang up with Mary composed enough.

Later on that night I wondered what I’d do if I was in her shoes. How do you explain to a difficult Luo man how you test HIV+ and he doesn’t after living with him for two years? You need a Houdini act to get out of this one. I definitely don’t want to be in those shoes.

FACE OF HIV

Last week I was in class with a bunch of nurses and medical practitioners. I am pursuing a diploma course on HIV&AIDS management.

This short course is for managers and it is meant to build their capacities to enable them design Home based care (HBC) programs for their hospitals and health facilities. It is a nine week on job training.

I complained of boredom the whole week. Every one in this class was older than I am, happily married with children and didn’t seem to understand why I am a single mum.
“You say you have a son?” one woman asked me during breaks. “Yeah, he turns nine sometime this week.” I proudly reply.
“So what have you been doing all this time?” she asks and I blankly look at her
“How come you are not married all this time?” She insists.
“Because I have been doing what people my age do; play around.” I reply and wait for the shock on her face.

I missed my office and I missed open minded company so much I was glad we got to the end of the week. During our lesson on human rights, we are told that every person(HIV+/-) has a right to marry and found a family. And it has to be in that order. I question whether this is the ideal anymore. Everyone looks at me like i landed from soddom. Seriously seeing as most of HIV infections take plave through "non ideal situation" i think its would be detrimental to bury our heads in the sand.

You see I was in class with people who still viewed HIV as something very far away from their door step. My first day in this class was so emotional I almost walked out, only one person in class knew of my HIV+ status so actually felt whatever it is I was going through listening to these guys answer questions and make comments.

There is always that rule in these classes that ensures we respect each others opinion; this made me shut my mouth. Last week however I must have protested so much I think stepped on a lot of toes.

As we covered the topic on Stigma and discrimination, our tutor maybe trying to emphasize her point on how people sometimes discriminate PLHIV without their knowledge asked us a question.
“Who amongst you would employ a HIV+ house help?” she asked.

One woman carries up her hand, and tells us she wouldn’t mind but she heard from someone that there was this woman who employed a self confessed HIV+ house help. Apparently this girl would cook the family meal and put her period in it. At this point I go like…What?
Before I could recover from that, someone else carries up their hand and wants to share her experience. She was looking for a house help and told everyone in her office. Her colleague introduces her to one of their clients who is HIV+. She interviews the girl and she is okay for the job.
She feels it’s necessary to inform her husband and so calls him.
“I called my husband and told him I already found a good girl, the only problem is that she is HIV+.” Her husband totally refuses to hire this girl.

That did it for me. I had my hand up and gave a very emotional reaction to those two women’s contribution. I actually felt myself trembling with rage.
Did these people know they were talking about people with feelings and emotions? Or once you are HIV+ its okay for people to hand down whatever judgment they saw fit about how safe you are as a person living in their houses.

I thought of Susan, the girl in my Support group whose brother stopped paying her college fees because according to him, she wasn’t going to live long enough to reap from her college education. Weren’t those situations similar to some extent?

These women work in Comprehensive Care Center (Centers in hospital that are specific for HIV&AIDS treatment and management).
I asked whether they knew the modes of transmission of HIV and if they knew, that cooked period was harmless. I mean if all of us were to find out what it is our house helps put in our food we’d collapse.
Seriously most of these young girls are overworked and treated so bad I wouldn’t be surprised if they spit on every meal they cook.

Someone interjects and gives her story,
“I heard of this one house girl whose employer looked through her phone and found nude photos of her on her bed.”
I was mortified. “How come it’s okay for people to take nude photos but a serious health and moral threat for a HIV+ person to do It.?” I ask.
Is it a bad thing to take nude photos? Or does it become bad when a HIV+ person does it. Does ones HIV+ status define them or their character?
First and foremost that was invasion of privacy, that woman had no right to go through this girl’s phone or judge her.
I also don’t advocate for people living with HIV to be given jobs out of pity but because they are competent for the jobs and deserve the chance to prove it.

After class one woman comes to me and compliments me for the passion I have for people living with HIV. She talks to me for about five minutes and I realize this woman has no idea that I am HIV+. She goes on and on about how much she would like to be passionate about issues of HIV&AIDS as much as she is –ve and wonders what would help. I was speechless.
Funny thing though, through out my arguments I kept using myself as a point of reference, I used a lot of “As a person living with HIV I think this or that,” or “We don’t need pity we need space.” And all this time no one ever thought that I was HIV+.

Towards the end of the week I figured out why. People still think they can pick out the “HIV look”. I don’t have the look so I am okay.
Its sad really that with all the awareness programs in place, people still expect HIV+ people to have a distinctive look, and live in some social class setting and not to be bright enough to articulate issues.
It’s mortifying when these people are health practitioners. This thought makes a lot of us be so complacent.

One thing is for sure, if we are to get this message across then we need to double up our efforts. People need to know these truths. That There is no ‘face of HIV’ and HIV doesn’t define anyone.