SELF LOVE....

“There is no passion to be found in playing small; in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – NELSON MANDELA

“Life is what you make it.” My high school principal used to drum that in our heads everyday. Back then; this was one of the things we always made jokes about. Now, It makes perfect sense. Everything we do, all we aver become is totally determined by the choices we make.

This has been an interesting week, a sort of cool breeze after going through time filled with a lot of soul searching and tough decision making.
Saturday was Valentines Day, a time when everything gets ‘red drapings’ and guys go to a lot of trouble to profess undying love… whatever that is.
It is also that time of the year when there are a lot of women walking around with broken or bruised hearts. Seeing as I am an aunt Tabby of sorts, this is the time when I talk to lots of disappointed, broken, bruised and often time teary women sometimes late into the night. I am glad that this year I didn’t have to give ‘the talk’ to any of my baby sisters.

Okay men are jerks. We know it, we tell it to our friends all the time. I bet this information has been passed down a number of generations. I wonder what women do about it. I was particularly moved by Sarah’s story. She not only got conned into giving lots of money to some guy she hadn’t even met because she was ‘feeling’ him. That isn’t even it, she let herself be humiliated by another guy she met online all in one week. Details of this story are either disgusting or too shocking to believe so I will save you from it.
“I feel so bad and used.” She moaned
“I know, I would feel horrible too.” I agreed with her.

First, seeing as the much I ever got from Internet dating is a number of hot, steamy sex dates I really don’t believe people find love from it. Two, I totally don’t get how a woman gets to ‘fall in love’ with two men and get totally humiliated by both of them in one week. The big question here is how does a woman (who isn’t 18 or 22 years) get so into two total strangers and ends up losing her heart, her money and whatever is left of her self worth?

Talking to Sarah on the Phone I couldn’t help but think of a time when I was so like her. I was 23 years and totally in love with this guy in College. Henry was cute and fine and all. Boy! didn’t I eat crap off of this guy’s hand. He kept telling me I was fat and he liked thin/slim women. I went on a diet and even got anorexic to be the woman he wanted. I got to size 6, couldn’t even find clothes that fit but he kept telling me I was fat; that and a number of other faults he found in me turned me into a nervous wreck. My sister and a number of my friends couldn’t understand why I was with him, what I saw in him, I paid all the bills when we hang out, bought lots and lots of expensive presents for him. Things I didn’t even buy myself…anything to keep him by my side. I broke up with him in my last semester and that was probably the best thing I ever did in college. My friends stopped short of throwing a bash with each one of them telling me I was better off without the SOB, I got remarks and opinions from people I never even knew existed in college. They were all relieved I had broken up with him. Before long, I met someone else and heaven was on earth for me. I totally forgot about him.

I met Henry after college and we thought having grown up maybe we could try this again. A week later, I found out I was HIV+. As soon as he found out, he went quiet for about three months before coming back to my life. I was so glad, I felt like I owed him my life. I mean here was a HIV- handsome guy ready to go out with me. A couple of months or so I sort of noticed a trend, I never met him publicly; we never met at his house unless I was going in late at night and all we ever did was have sex. He wasn’t my booty call; I didn’t think that was the agreement.
“Be grateful that he even looks at you.” A voice would tell me whenever I started feeling low about it.
“Who would want you once they know…be grateful for what you get.” Yet another voice.
I decided to go on with it even if I felt cheap and low because I thought since he was doing me a great favor; I could take whatever morsels he threw at me.

I am one of those people who are slow at making emotive decisions but once I do, there is no turning back. I didn’t even believe it when I confronted Henry out of the blues and demanded that he treat me with respect.
“I don’t expect you to love me but if you and I are ever going to happen then it will be based on respect.” I told him
“I will not take ultimatums from you.” He sternly replied.
“This isn’t an ultimatum Henry, it’s a number of choices, you respect me or we are done.” I stressed as I walked away.

I did panic afterwards, thinking that maybe I had made a mistake. I wanted to call him and beg him to take me back but I didn’t. I fought to stop myself from drunk dialing him, I probably did drunk dial a number of times and hang up before he answered. After a while, I just didn’t look for him. I saw him online but I stuck my ground…I wouldn’t be the first one to talk to him. He did talk to me after about four months. We still talk to date and it is on a platform of total respect. Him and I and sex didn’t ever happen again but all isn’t lost, he got the point.

I have learnt through time to love myself. And it’s love I am very possessive about. I am not afraid to ask that I be treated with the respect I deserve. I give, as much as I expect to get in any relationship I am in. This has spilled over into how I do my work, relate to people and how I view things in life.
I know now for sure that I don’t need a man to fill a void or gap in my life but I need a man to compliment my already existing, vibrant and full life. That, or nothing at all. I wont settle for morsels.

I know there are women who believe that they need another man to get over their heartbreak or painful experience, I don’t. Women just need to love themselves enough to be comfortable in being alone. Most of the time we take a lot of bullshit because we don’t want to be alone or we don’t know who we really are, or what we are capable of. We grew up being told what we should do, how we should dress or laugh or talk. We then started dating and we got another list of some one else’s expectations handed down to us. Some got married and along that road got another list of someone else’s expectation list.

When does an average African woman get time and space to be herself? To discover her true worth and capabilities? I have an answer to that…. when she decides to stop listening to peoples opinions of who she is and can be and start believing in herself.