MY STORMY FEBRUARY

This is officially my month of Drama this year. I don’t really know how the other months will go but I think I got the A-storm of my life this month and I am so glad I survived it.
No I didn’t lose any family member to the two horrible fires but I did go through my own set of loses.

The first two weeks were crazy and I was angry through out it all. I quit my job. All those who know how much I was ‘married’ to my job this last two years know that this was like losing a baby. For a moment I was angry then sad but after a while I figured, I didn’t lose me and really some things are inevitable and growth is one of those things.

I lost a big chunk of respect for two people who betrayed my trust. This wasn’t so hard though. I have in the past four years let go of a number of people. It sort of happens the moment you expect so much from people and that has sort of been who I am lately. Still I was sad. It wasn’t an easy loss.

This was probably the hardest; I lost a friend, colleague and a member of the group to complications of the heart. This is also the first time I walked into a morgue and it was really hard to see her sleep on some metal slab. I couldn’t help beating myself and wondering whether there is something we could have done to prevent this from happening.

Last year, I was faced with a lot of trying moments when guys from my group got sick, I spent time at the hospital, sometimes pleading that the doctors have one more look at someone they had given up hope on. I watched hopeless cases spring back to life…beautiful life and I look at them this year and think they are my small miracles.

Jane was one of these guys. I met her when she was very sick, her CD4 was below 200 and she had nowhere to live. I asked her to come and stay with me as she had just gotten a volunteer job as a nurse in my office. She had gotten better and was giving me tips on a lot of stuff. She got her strength back and even moved into her own house. The last time she and I had a lengthy talk about her health, her CD4 was 430 and her doctors were happy with her. That explains why her death was so painful. It was sudden and we were totally not expecting it.

“Baby I totally don’t want to be in your shoes right now.” Christine my friend confessed when she called me one day
“I am fine, really I think I am doing okay.” I tried to sound brave.
“I would be a wreck, crying like a baby right now.” She went on
That’s when it hit me that in all the drama, I didn’t even shed a tear. I felt pain, lots of it and with each incident and each day I felt my heart sinking but I just couldn’t cry.

By the end of that week however I was so drained most of my sentences had me saying how tired I was. I was tempted to feel sorry for myself but all I kept thinking was how much I have gone through in the past and how this was just a mild storm that I will get past.

Norman Vincent Peale once wrote, “One of the chief lessons or truths to be learned by thoughtful people is that the so called impossible is indeed possible to those who have the will, the courage and the faith.”

The huge storm is past now; I am just left picking up the pieces and putting everything in place. My shrink says that everyone goes through trying moments and we should all strive to build our character from these trying times. I totally agree with her.
I honestly hope though that I have seen the last of crazy moments this year and can’t wait for this month to end.