SEXUAL HEALTH ETIQUETTE

"If you do not have it in you to deal with the consequences of SEX then please ABSTAIN"



Joan (24) knew she had met the man of her dreams when she met Tony four years ago. “We met at a friend’s party and agreed to meet the following day for coffee.” Joan says. “We used a condom every time we got intimate.” She goes on.

After dating for about seven months they decided to move in together. They decided go to the Voluntary Counseling and Testing center(VCT) where they both tested negative for the virus and asked to come back three months later. They tested negative again.
“We were so happy we didn’t have to use a condom from then on.”
“I got pregnant six months later and was over the moon.” She says. “Tony was so happy he was talking of moving to a bigger house, and introduced me to his mother.” She narrates.

When Joan went to her hospital for her first prenatal clinic, she didn’t believe what the nurses had to tell her. “The nurse called me into this room and told me I was HIV positive, I laughed at her. She says. “I was definitely sure she had the results mixed up, I knew I was faithful to Tony, I never believed he was an angel but I just didn’t think he would be stupid not to use protection.” She says.

When the shock wore off and reality finally set in Joan had to deal with her HIV positive status. Tony didn’t want anything to do with the baby after she told him of what happened and even gave her money to terminate the pregnancy. They broke up and she went through her pregnancy and the first five months after her baby was born alone.

“One day when I had finally decided to move on and was clearing his things from the house I came across some papers. They were HIV CD4 results from mbagathi hospital that belonged to Tony and a woman who I later found out was his ex. The test results were dated two months before we met.” She says. “ I don’t even know what I felt after reading those results, all this time Tony knew he was HIV positive and went on ahead to get me pregnant.” The pain of betrayal and the fact that she didn’t really ask to see Tony’s physical results took a toll on her emotions. Joan was so angry she had to enlist the help of some members of her support group to help her work through her anger.

Joan’s story emphasizes the fact that nowadays, sex simply isn’t a safe activity. Even when one believes they are in an honest monogamous relationship with their partners, it’s advised to do everything in your power to protect yourself and assume total responsibility for your own sexual health.
Fear of rejection by our partners, make us give in and agree to unprotected sex. Most HIV+ people find it hard to disclose their status to their partners because of the stigma associated with disclosure so often times we believe ‘just this once wont hurt’ oblivious of the risks and dangers we put ourselves and our partners into.

Aside from sex with monogamous partners, there is the sex that gets to happen sooner than it should; before we get to know our partners properly.

Christine met a man sometime last year when she and her friends went out clubbing. “I bumped into him and spilled his drink which I later offered to replace.” She narrates.
“We ended up talking the whole night and exchanged phone numbers. I was so smitten by him and looked forward to when he would call.” She says.

Peter did call and they met a couple of times before they became intimate. They never had any discussion on sexual health in the two months they were together.
“The issue just never came up.” She says. “One Friday evening Peter started a baseless argument that ended up in a fight.” Christine says.
She decided to take sometime to cool off and didn’t call or meet Peter in a week. Then she started having an itch in her vaginal area.
“I ignored it for a while but after a day or two I had fever and therefore went to see a doctor.” She explains.
Tests revealed that she had syphilis. “I nearly passed out.” She says. She later got treatment and hasn’t ever seen Peter again.

Starting a new sexual relationship is tricky most of the times, this often makes it difficult to know how or when to ask or reveal the crucial things that need to be established.
Young people are usually more sexually active and considered high risk group to HIV.

“What young people don’t realize is that it’s not just HIV you are in dander of contracting but that there are other STI’s potentially in your lover’s body just waiting to get to you.” Nancy Kaharu a counselor at Gold Star Network says.
Nancy says that many young women are taking foolish risks by having unprotected intercourse. She attributes this to emotional issues. “When one isn’t confident about who they are, are feeling depressed or have issues like body image then they are vulnerable to doing things just to please their partners.

The challenge is when to bring up discussions about sexual health in a relationship. When is it safe to discuss and disclose ones HIV+ status to a potential partner? Nancy suggests that Communication should be encouraged from the first day in the relationship. She knows that people are uncomfortable to disclose their HIV+ status to their partners for fear of rejection but she insists that disclosure shows responsibility and basic honesty. You and your partner owe each other the opportunity to make a choice about the risks you will be taking during sex. Knowing your condition before hand doesn’t mean that intercourse is impossible.
“If you aren’t ready to talk about your status to someone then don’t get intimate with them.” She says

Nancy advises that couples should have “the sexual etiquette talk.” During ‘non sexual moments and should have it early on in the relationship.
“At that point when you are talking about what you do and who your friends and family are, this is when you should be discussing sex.” She says.
She reckons that sex is a beautiful thing but if not done right can be very dangerous.
So how does one initiate the sex discussion?
Nancy advises “when talking about HIV testing and condom use couples should concentrate on the future and not on the past.” Partners should focus on past infidelities but should in turn dwell on whether the current relationship has a future. If the relationship is promising then start STI, HIV and condom use discussions earlier on in the relationship. Make it a routine to go for tests and insist on seeing each others results. Most medical institutions now have provision for couples testing and counseling.

She adds that there is need to balance the sex talk.
“Don’t dwell on the dangers, talk about what you like, what you would like and how you want to try out new things. Men love that.” She laughs.

The youth especially young women are advised to be assertive about their sexual safety; even if this means losing your partner because you told them you’re HIV+ status or asked them to put on a condom.
Nancy says it’s all about self respect; if you care about yourself then you will insist that things happen well and safely for you.