“Each player much accepts the cards life deals him or her. But once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.”-Voltaire
In April 2009, Nadja Benaisa a German singer with a favorite all-female pop band was arrested and formerly charged in February 2010 with causing bodily harm by German police for having unprotected sex with three men between 2004 and 2006 without informing them of her HIV positive status, allegedly infecting one of her partners with HIV.
During her trial which commenced in August 2010, Ms. Benaissa admitted not telling her sexual partners she was HIV positive, she however denied intending to infect anyone with the virus.
“I’m so sorry; no way did I want my partner to be convicted” Ms. Benaissa told the court.
On 26th August 2010, she was found guilty of one count of causing grievous bodily harm and two counts of attempted bodily harm and was given a 2-year suspended sentence and 300 hours of community service.
Ms. Benaissa’s story brings to light the ramifications that people living with HIV could face for not disclosing their HIV status. It also gives you an idea about how lack of disclosure can end up exposing and getting someone else infected with the Virus hence making ‘disclosure’ an integral aspect of HIV prevention.
Back at home part IV of the Kenya HIV and AIDS Prevention and Control Act has provisions that could see one- if proven guilty of similar crimes- convicted to a fine not exceeding five hundred thousand or imprisonment for a term not exceeding seven years or both.
The most difficult thing anyone living with HIV may ever have to do is tell anyone they have HIV. Whether you have been recently diagnosed with HIV or have been living with HIV for while, you may well feel anxious about telling people about your status.
Disclosing your HIV diagnosis is difficult but sometimes necessary. Hard as it may be, there is no manual for disclosure, perhaps because it is such a multifaceted issue. Disclosing to a friend is very different from telling parents or disclosing to your child or marriage partner. But perhaps the hardest disclosure would be telling a potential sexual partner.
Disclosure surrounding HIV&AID means telling someone you are HIV positive. Who you tell and what you tell them can be very difficult and therefore is ones personal decision. You need to be sure you are doing it for the right reasons as who you tell and how you give the information may have a far reaching impact on a loved one and ultimately on your life.
When one mulls over disclosure So many emotions come into play as one psychologically asks themselves many questions. One wonders on many things for example; when this must be done or how exactly do I say it, do I show any emotions or not, or how will they react when they find out, will they hate me or blame me? Will they leave me? Will I end up facing this alone? Will they still love me? Will they shun me? Do I really have to do this!
Before disclosing ones status, one needs to consider a number of things which I like to call the ‘5W’s of disclosure.’
Who to disclose to
Who you tell your HIV status is very important. It isn’t news to be told to every walking person in the planet. When you are first diagnosed, it is probably wise to only tell the people you trust and believe will give you the support you need for example your doctor, a counselor, a support group for PLHIV or a close family member.
At this point you don’t need to tell your employer unless for some reason you need a shift in your job description.
You have no need to disclose to your potential landlord or workmates as people may treat you differently.
Shouting “I have HIV” to everyone can have its repercussions. Not everyone is as welcoming or as tolerant to issues around HIV&AIDS and as much as stigma levels have remarkable reduced in Kenya, not everyone gets to be received with open arms to disclosure.
Why disclose:
One needs to be certain they have a reason for disclosing their status. Once the question of ‘who’ it is you are telling is answered, ask yourself why you need to tell them. Is it because you need some kind of help from whoever you are disclosing to in terms of referrals for treatment and care?, or is it because the person you are telling is your sexual partner and therefore they need to know so that the two of you explore safer sexual practices or need to have them tested as well?
In some countries, there are certain professions where someone would have to let their employers know they are HIV positive for example surgeons.
In the case of a parent considering disclosing to their children, ask yourself why you want to tell them. Is it because they will be annoyed if you keep it a secret? Or do they suspect something or are you sick, or have they asked you if you have HIV or maybe its a child who was born HIV positive and needs to know why it’s important to take their medication.
It’s recommended that one discloses their positive HIV status to a potential sexual partner because in failure to do so has legal ramifications in certain countries.
Where to disclose;
You don’t want to be disclosing your status in a noisy restaurant after three drinks with someone you are on a first date with. Similarly disclosing to a violent spouse or partner when you are alone in the house with them could be dangerous. The news that one is HIV positive is always received with shock, pain, anger or any similarly related emotion. Different venues would work for different situations. You need to know who you are telling and how where you chose to tell would work for you. Remember you need to be comfortable with your surrounding to enable you easily answer all the questions that your family, friend, child (ren) or partner may have after you disclose.
If you are disclosing to an intended sexual partner, please ensure you are in an open place. A quiet restaurant with people around you.
If it’s a violent partner then its encouraged that you seek help with disclosure. There are a number of social workers or healthcare providers who can assist you with this.
In case one is disclosing to children, do it at a place they would feel most safe as they may have a lot of follow up questions for you.
When to disclose;
At what point do you tell your partner, your friends, your parents, your children or your colleagues of your HIV status? You need to consider this as you may have to tell these different people at different times depending on the situation you are in.
The best time to disclose your status is when you are ready. You need to adjust to the news of your HIV status first. For some people that may be a week, for other people it may be a year. But only disclose your HIV status when it's appropriate, and only when you're comfortable with yourself to do so.
It’s very important to inform your sexual partner of your HIV status as soon as you find out so that they can get tested as well and that the both of you can get help on how to live a healthy life.
My advice would be that you take sometime and process the news before you begin to tell it out to others. You do not want to be crying or in an emotionally unstable form when you talk to people about your HIV status.
This will scare them and make them feel like they are losing you.
Children could pick the insecurities that come with you not being okay with your HIV status and panic and this could affect them in school both academically and socially. Take as much time as you can after disclosing to your children to reassure them of your love and your family’s stability as well as your good health.
Seek counseling for as long as you need it to be able to deal with the shock and pain of finding out your status. Then you can share it with your loved ones.
People who are dating especially women are often at loss for when they should disclose their HIV status. You may be conflicted on whether to disclose on the first date or only if the relationship is getting serious. For fear of losing their partner people often hold off on telling about their status. This may work for you for a short period of time as the relationship may progress too fast into sex and you end up not protecting your partner. The best time to disclose is when you are ready but if you aren’t then please ensure you have safer sexual relations with your partners.
Disclosing to sexual partners should be encouraged as it is rewarding. It frees you from anxiety and enables the both of you to take control of your safety and make informed choices.
What to disclose
What you say to the various people you are disclosing to is very important. Some people like to be very open about their HIV status. That way they really don’t have to worry about people finding out later. This strategy does not suit everyone so if you are in a situation where not everybody will understand then this may not be the way for you. Even for those people who are public about their status, you may want to consider how much of your story you want to share for sometimes too much information could be misconstrued to mean some thing else.
In one of ‘Parent-children’ support groups organized by one of our partners, a woman told of how she disclosed to her children.
“I have AIDS and I’m dying soon” she told her children who had confronted her after they had been told mean things by their playmate.
The emotional trauma that followed later has affected her children to date over a decade later.
You need to have enough information about HIV and AIDS and whatever issues that are connected to it to enable you give the correct information to your partner, children, friend, colleagues or whoever you are disclosing to.
How you say what it is you are disclosing is also important. You could get books that have information on HIV&AIDS to share with your loved ones, or print out information online or even get help from your counselor, a friend from the support group or health professionals if there is need to explain things further to the people you are disclosing to.
If you are ashamed of your status, then the people you are telling to will feel the same way so try to have a positive attitude towards your condition.
A long time ago when HIV progression to AIDS was much faster due to stigma, lack of awareness and treatment, there was probably some rationale for telling your friends and family as soon as one found out their HIV positive status.
Most people were diagnosed with HIV because they were sick with one condition or another and therefore family involvement for care and support was very fundamental in recovery.
Today, the medicine for HIV management is so good that one can live their normal productive lives for years.
The decision to tell your family or your parents is ultimately your own.
There is a lot to gain from telling other people about your diagnosis. You may find that the support and understanding gained from confiding in close friends really helps reduce the stress or worries that you may have.
There is a possibility of greater access to good care and management by speaking to people or organizations that are there to support people living with HIV. It’s important to let your doctor know your HIV status so that you get the appropriate care. Disclosing could also help you get help from people with the same HIV status as you for example in a support group.
You may feel the need to tell is other for your own benefit and peace of mind. That is also good.However, as you seek to disclose your HIV status, please note that not everyone will be strong enough or supportive enough in their responses. Be prepared for this and remember that you have done nothing wrong. You need to be patient. The people you love and who love you also need the space to deal with your revelation.
As hard as disclosure of ones HIV is, its encouraged that one discloses to at least one close family member to enable them access the support they need either medically or emotionally in dealing with being HIV positive.
Showing posts with label articles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label articles. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
WHEN OPPOSITES ATTRACT……
Doreen is a happily married mother of two. She gushes through life full of energy and juggles work, school, motherhood and wife roles just perfectly. She is also a counselor at her church.
What most people don’t know about Doreen however is she is HIV positive. In a country where about 1.4million Kenyans are living with HIV, this could be the story of many other women Doreen’s age.
What’s unique about Doreen’s story however is the fact that her husband of over ten years is HIV negative.
“I found out about my HIV status three years into my marriage.” Doreen narrates.
“I was devastated, back then people were not as informed as they are now.” She continues.
On breaking the news to her husband, he was supportive in all aspects and their lives moved on. Her husband refused to go for the test believing that if his wife was HIV positive then he was too.
“So for the next 6 years we have been living as though we are both HIV positive. We used Condoms and looked out for each other” Doreen explains.
Last year Doreen’s husband got tested for HIV after yielding to constant nagging from her and their Doctor.
“He tested HIV negative” Doreen reports with a beaming smile.
This new occurrence left this couple with a lot of more questions than they thought possible. Well, with the help of their doctor and a counselor Doreen and her husband are happy and going about their life. Nothing much about their lives has changed,
“In-fact we have never been more optimistic. We want to try for another baby.” She shares.
Doreen is not the only person in this kind of relationship. Jane, Lucy and George are both young people aged between 28 and 36 and are HIV positive. There is nothing any different about their lives. They are all well educated, have good jobs and live a good life. What they have in common is the fact that they are all dating HIV negative partners.
Jane has been dating her partner for the last two years, Lucy has been married to hers for a year and George is getting married to his partner with whom he has two beautiful baby girls in August.
There is an increasing trend among young people to go for counseling and testing and this is leading to a lot of couples finding out that the person they just started dating or are intending to marry are HIV positive. While some dating relationships may not survive the revelation that one person has HIV, there are those that withstand the confusion and emotions surrounding the discovery of HIV discordance. Then there are couples who like Doreen find out their HIV status after years of marriage and chose to stay together with their partners.
According to the recent Kenya Aids Indicator Survey released in 2009, nearly 350,000 cohabiting or married partners were ‘discordant couples’. Meaning one of the partners is HIV positive and the other negative.
Having a discordant relationship comes with its own set of challenges. For most discordant couples there is always the worry and questions around , how to have HIV free biological children, preventing HIV transmission to the HIV-negative partner; the future health and survival of the HIV-positive partner; and future investments to take Care of the surviving partner and/or children.
Contrary to what people think, discordant couples can have a long term and mutually satisfying relationships. Just as it is key in every dating or marriage relationship, the key ingredient to a happy fulfilling relationship as discordant couples will be open communication. Couples living in a HIV discordant relationship can make the most of their time together and lead a healthy loving and fulfilling relationship if they are were informed about HIV&AIDS and the various aspects that it could affect their lives. Here are some of the common questions asked and helpful answers to them. Remember, the best person to have a complete talk with about any of these issues is your doctor or counselor.
Is it safe to live together?
Living with an HIV positive partner is just as safe as living with an HIV negative partner. Both of you need to know as much about HIV&AIDS as you can to be able to cope. Dealing with a positive diagnosis and coming to terms with the challenge of living with HIV/AIDS is never easy. But today the prospects for successful treatment are better than ever before, and there are a wide range of support services available to help people living with HIV/AIDS in Kenya lead a normal productive life.
Learning about your HIV diagnosis or your partners can feel overwhelming. The battle of emotions always range from feelings of fear, anger, confused, despair among others. This is normal. It’s like joining a new school. No one really knows what is expected of them. Often times one feels lost; it’s okay to ask for help.
Mrs. Owino my class one teacher took me through the basics of life. She taught me my first real math and made science exciting.
“Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” She would say as she taught us to brush our teeth after every meal and wash our hands after we visited the toilet. She had a graphic demonstration of what would happen to us if we didn’t do as she said. Using pictures from some book she would tell us how our dirty hands would carry germs to the food that we eat and then we would have diarrhea and look thin and ugly and before long all our family members would be sick too. Those pictures made you tow the line.
Two decades later, I brush my teeth and wash my hands just as Mrs Owino instructed. I bet the curriculum then put all these demonstrations to help us understand well why we needed to be clean and healthy. I wonder if Mrs Owino would be talked into doing a demonstration to the same people she taught ages ago to show us how HIV “really does get in” to our bodies. But while these simple messages have their place, the truth is of course more complex. If we take the time to understand how HIV is – and isn’t – transmitted, we are that much better armed to live with and protect our partners.
HIV is found in many of the body fluids of people who are infected with the virus. It can be found at varying concentrations in blood, semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk, saliva, and tears. It cannot be found in sweat or urine.
A simple explanation would be to say that the virus can be transmitted if any of those infected body fluids pass from an infected person to an uninfected person. This risk varies with circumstances such as the stage of HIV progression and viral load of the person living with HIV among others.
To start with, there have been no cases recorded of HIV transmission from saliva or tears, so they can safely be crossed off the list. This is to be expected, as the quantities of virus which have been observed in these fluids are extremely low. This is good news for those of us with HIV because it means there’s absolutely zero risk of passing on the virus through casual contact including kissing, hugging, or sharing eating utensils.
That leaves blood, semen, vaginal fluid and breast milk as the remaining body fluids which have been significantly implicated in transmission of HIV. We know from both laboratory experiments and real-world observation that virtually all HIV transmissions can be attributed to one of these four.
It is important that the discordant couple also be aware of non-sexual transmission of HIV, and reduces risk accordingly. For example, the couple needs advise on how to clean products that may have infected fluids, how to deal with blood spills, not to share tooth brushes, razors etc. It can be particularly challenging in a family setting especially with children around but can certainly be done.
What treatment options do we have?
There are various treatment options for People Living with HIV (PLHIV). We don’t have a cure yet but there are a variety of medications that one can take to be able to live well. The Doctor will advise after carrying out a number of tests on whether one needs to start their Anti Retroviral (ARV) medication. Couples need to talk about these medications and their implications on their relationship. For instance there are certain ARV’s that are not recommended for women who want to have babies or for pregnant women. For those who aren’t on ARV’s then a prophylaxis to help the body fight diseases may be prescribed as well as immune boosters where necessary. The Partner living with HIV will need support from the HIV negative one to adhere to medications.
In the occurrence of any exposure to the Virus, for example through a condom burst during sex or cuts and injuries in the house, the HIV negative partner can access Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP).
PEP is short-term antiretroviral treatment to reduce the likelihood of HIV infection after potential exposure.
Can we have biological children?
Babies are a blessing and every couple wants to have babies of their own by every means possible. HIV discordant couples are advised to use condoms every time they get intimate and are therefore at loss at how they will be able to have biological children. Having a biological child is possible and if done with the help of doctors then measures will be taken to ensure that the baby is born HIV free. It’s advised that couples seek preconception counseling for HIV discordant couples; information on pregnancy planning, preventing transmission of HIV to the partner and the baby, and nutritional and lifestyle advice will be shared. It is advised that couples attend these sessions together.
How do we have a normal and happy marriage?
Open communication is encouraged in all forms of relationships and marriage. In HIV discordant relationships it is encouraged to talk about everything.
Disclosure of HIV status by the partner who is HIV +ve to the HIV-ve partner is encouraged as this is key in the couple making informed choices about being safe and protecting themselves. For people who are not in an established relationship or are doing the dating scene, disclosing their HIV status to another person is often difficult and requires quite a bit of courage.
Emotions that emerge from the discovery of ones HIV status and a couple’s discordance are many and varied. Couples should strive to share a lot during this process. Talk about your feelings for each other, for your relationship, for the way forward. Discuss your fears and try together to find possible solutions for them. Do not be afraid to get help if you need it. We have a number of Couple Counseling Centers within the Voluntary Counseling and Testing centers.
Discuss all of your concerns upfront before deciding the next course of your relationship or marriage. Let the HIV negative partner reassure the one who is HIV positive that you are seeking to be educated and are not trying to pass judgment. Issues that worry discordant couples on sexuality and reproduction as well as planning for the future need to be openly discussed as frequently as both partners want.
Ask candid questions and make sure you are completely at ease before either of you makes any decision. Reaffirm your feelings for each other if they still exist. This is important especially for the HIV positive partner who may be apprehensive or scared that their disclosure will make their negative partner desert them.
Reach out for help whenever you need it. Your doctor can refer you to places where you can get more counseling and whatever other help you may need as couples.
People say, “love knows know boundaries, distance or time.”
I wonder how true that is when HIV&AIDS becomes something two people in a relationship have to deal with. But if the statistics on the number of discordant couples in Kenya is anything to go by, maybe opposites do attract.
Every time I meet Doreen and any other HIV positive person happily married or dating HIV negative people, I am reminded of Iannis’ description of love off the movie Captain Corelli’s Mandolin
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, and it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
What most people don’t know about Doreen however is she is HIV positive. In a country where about 1.4million Kenyans are living with HIV, this could be the story of many other women Doreen’s age.
What’s unique about Doreen’s story however is the fact that her husband of over ten years is HIV negative.
“I found out about my HIV status three years into my marriage.” Doreen narrates.
“I was devastated, back then people were not as informed as they are now.” She continues.
On breaking the news to her husband, he was supportive in all aspects and their lives moved on. Her husband refused to go for the test believing that if his wife was HIV positive then he was too.
“So for the next 6 years we have been living as though we are both HIV positive. We used Condoms and looked out for each other” Doreen explains.
Last year Doreen’s husband got tested for HIV after yielding to constant nagging from her and their Doctor.
“He tested HIV negative” Doreen reports with a beaming smile.
This new occurrence left this couple with a lot of more questions than they thought possible. Well, with the help of their doctor and a counselor Doreen and her husband are happy and going about their life. Nothing much about their lives has changed,
“In-fact we have never been more optimistic. We want to try for another baby.” She shares.
Doreen is not the only person in this kind of relationship. Jane, Lucy and George are both young people aged between 28 and 36 and are HIV positive. There is nothing any different about their lives. They are all well educated, have good jobs and live a good life. What they have in common is the fact that they are all dating HIV negative partners.
Jane has been dating her partner for the last two years, Lucy has been married to hers for a year and George is getting married to his partner with whom he has two beautiful baby girls in August.
There is an increasing trend among young people to go for counseling and testing and this is leading to a lot of couples finding out that the person they just started dating or are intending to marry are HIV positive. While some dating relationships may not survive the revelation that one person has HIV, there are those that withstand the confusion and emotions surrounding the discovery of HIV discordance. Then there are couples who like Doreen find out their HIV status after years of marriage and chose to stay together with their partners.
According to the recent Kenya Aids Indicator Survey released in 2009, nearly 350,000 cohabiting or married partners were ‘discordant couples’. Meaning one of the partners is HIV positive and the other negative.
Having a discordant relationship comes with its own set of challenges. For most discordant couples there is always the worry and questions around , how to have HIV free biological children, preventing HIV transmission to the HIV-negative partner; the future health and survival of the HIV-positive partner; and future investments to take Care of the surviving partner and/or children.
Contrary to what people think, discordant couples can have a long term and mutually satisfying relationships. Just as it is key in every dating or marriage relationship, the key ingredient to a happy fulfilling relationship as discordant couples will be open communication. Couples living in a HIV discordant relationship can make the most of their time together and lead a healthy loving and fulfilling relationship if they are were informed about HIV&AIDS and the various aspects that it could affect their lives. Here are some of the common questions asked and helpful answers to them. Remember, the best person to have a complete talk with about any of these issues is your doctor or counselor.
Is it safe to live together?
Living with an HIV positive partner is just as safe as living with an HIV negative partner. Both of you need to know as much about HIV&AIDS as you can to be able to cope. Dealing with a positive diagnosis and coming to terms with the challenge of living with HIV/AIDS is never easy. But today the prospects for successful treatment are better than ever before, and there are a wide range of support services available to help people living with HIV/AIDS in Kenya lead a normal productive life.
Learning about your HIV diagnosis or your partners can feel overwhelming. The battle of emotions always range from feelings of fear, anger, confused, despair among others. This is normal. It’s like joining a new school. No one really knows what is expected of them. Often times one feels lost; it’s okay to ask for help.
Mrs. Owino my class one teacher took me through the basics of life. She taught me my first real math and made science exciting.
“Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” She would say as she taught us to brush our teeth after every meal and wash our hands after we visited the toilet. She had a graphic demonstration of what would happen to us if we didn’t do as she said. Using pictures from some book she would tell us how our dirty hands would carry germs to the food that we eat and then we would have diarrhea and look thin and ugly and before long all our family members would be sick too. Those pictures made you tow the line.
Two decades later, I brush my teeth and wash my hands just as Mrs Owino instructed. I bet the curriculum then put all these demonstrations to help us understand well why we needed to be clean and healthy. I wonder if Mrs Owino would be talked into doing a demonstration to the same people she taught ages ago to show us how HIV “really does get in” to our bodies. But while these simple messages have their place, the truth is of course more complex. If we take the time to understand how HIV is – and isn’t – transmitted, we are that much better armed to live with and protect our partners.
HIV is found in many of the body fluids of people who are infected with the virus. It can be found at varying concentrations in blood, semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk, saliva, and tears. It cannot be found in sweat or urine.
A simple explanation would be to say that the virus can be transmitted if any of those infected body fluids pass from an infected person to an uninfected person. This risk varies with circumstances such as the stage of HIV progression and viral load of the person living with HIV among others.
To start with, there have been no cases recorded of HIV transmission from saliva or tears, so they can safely be crossed off the list. This is to be expected, as the quantities of virus which have been observed in these fluids are extremely low. This is good news for those of us with HIV because it means there’s absolutely zero risk of passing on the virus through casual contact including kissing, hugging, or sharing eating utensils.
That leaves blood, semen, vaginal fluid and breast milk as the remaining body fluids which have been significantly implicated in transmission of HIV. We know from both laboratory experiments and real-world observation that virtually all HIV transmissions can be attributed to one of these four.
It is important that the discordant couple also be aware of non-sexual transmission of HIV, and reduces risk accordingly. For example, the couple needs advise on how to clean products that may have infected fluids, how to deal with blood spills, not to share tooth brushes, razors etc. It can be particularly challenging in a family setting especially with children around but can certainly be done.
What treatment options do we have?
There are various treatment options for People Living with HIV (PLHIV). We don’t have a cure yet but there are a variety of medications that one can take to be able to live well. The Doctor will advise after carrying out a number of tests on whether one needs to start their Anti Retroviral (ARV) medication. Couples need to talk about these medications and their implications on their relationship. For instance there are certain ARV’s that are not recommended for women who want to have babies or for pregnant women. For those who aren’t on ARV’s then a prophylaxis to help the body fight diseases may be prescribed as well as immune boosters where necessary. The Partner living with HIV will need support from the HIV negative one to adhere to medications.
In the occurrence of any exposure to the Virus, for example through a condom burst during sex or cuts and injuries in the house, the HIV negative partner can access Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP).
PEP is short-term antiretroviral treatment to reduce the likelihood of HIV infection after potential exposure.
Can we have biological children?
Babies are a blessing and every couple wants to have babies of their own by every means possible. HIV discordant couples are advised to use condoms every time they get intimate and are therefore at loss at how they will be able to have biological children. Having a biological child is possible and if done with the help of doctors then measures will be taken to ensure that the baby is born HIV free. It’s advised that couples seek preconception counseling for HIV discordant couples; information on pregnancy planning, preventing transmission of HIV to the partner and the baby, and nutritional and lifestyle advice will be shared. It is advised that couples attend these sessions together.
How do we have a normal and happy marriage?
Open communication is encouraged in all forms of relationships and marriage. In HIV discordant relationships it is encouraged to talk about everything.
Disclosure of HIV status by the partner who is HIV +ve to the HIV-ve partner is encouraged as this is key in the couple making informed choices about being safe and protecting themselves. For people who are not in an established relationship or are doing the dating scene, disclosing their HIV status to another person is often difficult and requires quite a bit of courage.
Emotions that emerge from the discovery of ones HIV status and a couple’s discordance are many and varied. Couples should strive to share a lot during this process. Talk about your feelings for each other, for your relationship, for the way forward. Discuss your fears and try together to find possible solutions for them. Do not be afraid to get help if you need it. We have a number of Couple Counseling Centers within the Voluntary Counseling and Testing centers.
Discuss all of your concerns upfront before deciding the next course of your relationship or marriage. Let the HIV negative partner reassure the one who is HIV positive that you are seeking to be educated and are not trying to pass judgment. Issues that worry discordant couples on sexuality and reproduction as well as planning for the future need to be openly discussed as frequently as both partners want.
Ask candid questions and make sure you are completely at ease before either of you makes any decision. Reaffirm your feelings for each other if they still exist. This is important especially for the HIV positive partner who may be apprehensive or scared that their disclosure will make their negative partner desert them.
Reach out for help whenever you need it. Your doctor can refer you to places where you can get more counseling and whatever other help you may need as couples.
People say, “love knows know boundaries, distance or time.”
I wonder how true that is when HIV&AIDS becomes something two people in a relationship have to deal with. But if the statistics on the number of discordant couples in Kenya is anything to go by, maybe opposites do attract.
Every time I meet Doreen and any other HIV positive person happily married or dating HIV negative people, I am reminded of Iannis’ description of love off the movie Captain Corelli’s Mandolin
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, and it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
FOR KNOWLEDGE'S SAKE!
Dealing with a positive diagnosis and coming to terms with the challenge of living with HIV/AIDS is never easy. But today the prospects for successful treatment are better than ever before, and there are a wide range of support services available to help people living with HIV/AIDS in Kenya.
Learning about your HIV diagnosis can feel overwhelming. The battle of emotions always range from feelings of fear, anger, confused, despair among others. This is normal. Often times one feels lost. It’s like joining a new school. No one really knows what is expected of them.
Mrs. Owino my class one teacher took me through the basics of life. She taught me my first real math and made science exciting.
“Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” She would say as she taught us to brush our teeth after every meal and wash our hands after we visited the toilet. She had a graphic demonstration of what would happen to us if we didn’t do as she said. Using pictures from some book she would tell us how our dirty hands would carry germs to the food that we eat and then we would have diarrhea and look thin and ugly and before long all our family members would be sick too. Those pictures made you tow the line.
Two decades later, I brush my teeth and wash my hands just as Mrs Owino instructed.
I bet the curriculum then put all these demonstrations to help us understand well why we needed to be clean and healthy. I wonder if Mrs Owino would be talked into doing a demonstration to the same people she taught ages ago to show us how HIV “really does get in” to our bodies. But while these simple messages have their place, the truth is of course more complex. If we take the time to understand how HIV is – and isn’t – transmitted, we are that much better armed to protect our selves and the people we care about.
HIV is found in many of the body fluids of people who are infected with the virus. It can be found at varying concentrations in blood, semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk, saliva, and tears. It cannot be found in sweat or urine.
A simple explanation would be to say that the virus can be transmitted if any of those infected body fluids pass from an infected person to an uninfected person. This risk varies with circumstances.
To start with, there have been no cases recorded of HIV transmission from saliva or tears, so they can safely be crossed off the list. This is to be expected, as the quantities of virus which have been observed in these fluids are extremely low. This is good news for those of us with HIV because it means there’s absolutely zero risk of passing on the virus through casual contact including kissing, hugging, or sharing eating utensils.
That leaves blood, semen, vaginal fluid and breast milk as the remaining body fluids which have been significantly implicated in transmission of HIV. We know from both laboratory experiments and real-world observation that virtually all HIV transmissions can be attributed to one of these four.
Blood-to-blood
HIV can be transmitted by direct blood-to-blood contact – such as through sharing injecting equipment, through blood transfusions or other blood products, or in accidental cases in health-care settings such as hospitals. Nowadays relatively few cases of HIV transmission occur this way. Extensive needle and syringe programs, screening of donated blood and careful adherence to universal precautions in health-care settings have kept the numbers low.
•Never share any injecting equipment, including needles, syringes, spoons and swabs. This will not only prevent transmission of HIV, but also other blood-borne viruses such as hepatitis C.
•Avoid sharing toothbrushes, razors or anything else which could convey blood between two people.
•There’s very little risk of transmission from blood spills, bleeding noses, accidental cuts or open sores, as the blood from the HIV-positive person has to pass into the bloodstream of the negative person. Nonetheless, it’s sensible for anyone who comes in contact with blood to wear latex gloves and wash their hands carefully to avoid any risk of infection.
.In-case of any accidental contact with contaminated blood or in cases where one suspects they have been exposed, there is need to visit a health center for medical intervention such as Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP). Accessing this service within 72 hours of exposure could lower the risk of infection to HIV.
Mother-to-child
HIV can be transmitted from mother to baby, both in the womb and via breast milk. This is called ‘mother-to-child’ transmission.
If nothing is done to prevent transmission, the risk of passing HIV from mother to baby is about 40 percent. But we have known for some time that this risk can be reduced. If you’re pregnant or planning to become pregnant, following the recommended guidelines ensures the risk of transmitting HIV to your baby is minimized. All government hospitals in Kenya provide Prevention of Mother to Child Transmission (PMTCT) with an aim of enabling the HIV positive pregnant women access help.
The risk of transmission can also be cut by reducing the delivery time for the baby, usually by having a cesarean section. If you chose to breastfeed the baby then so so exclusively. HIV can be transmitted via breast milk. one can chose to use other alternative methods of feeding for example formula milk.
Sex
The vast majority of HIV transmissions in Kenya happen through sexual contact. HIV is present in semen, pre-seminal fluid (pre-cum) and vaginal fluid, and can enter the bloodstream of a negative partner through mucous membranes such as those in the rectum and vagina, or through small breaks in the skin caused by intercourse.
We’ve known for a long time that condoms can prevent transmission of HIV via vaginal or anal sex. They’re highly effective, cheap, easy to use and available just about everywhere.
Abstinence which is the only 100 percent preventive measure against HIV is encouraged all the time. Condoms however are the most effective HIV prevention technology there is if one is sexually active.
As an added bonus, using a condom also protects both partners from many sexually-transmitted infections other than HIV. People with HIV should know that these infections can play havoc with their health, so even if both partners are positive, condoms still have a valuable role.
If both partners are HIV-positive, there is no risk of HIV infection, although there is a risk of re-infection – infection with a second, slightly different strain of HIV. This leads to one having more strains of the virus and hence vulnerable to complications. Care should be taken by all HIV positive people to ensure they don’t get re-infected.
Finding a partner who is also HIV-positive may sound desirable but isn’t always easy, and requires that both you and your partner disclose your HIV status – something that may be difficult or uncomfortable. If you’d rather not disclose your status, it’s best to stick to safe or safer sex.
Learning about your HIV diagnosis can feel overwhelming. The battle of emotions always range from feelings of fear, anger, confused, despair among others. This is normal. Often times one feels lost. It’s like joining a new school. No one really knows what is expected of them.
Mrs. Owino my class one teacher took me through the basics of life. She taught me my first real math and made science exciting.
“Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” She would say as she taught us to brush our teeth after every meal and wash our hands after we visited the toilet. She had a graphic demonstration of what would happen to us if we didn’t do as she said. Using pictures from some book she would tell us how our dirty hands would carry germs to the food that we eat and then we would have diarrhea and look thin and ugly and before long all our family members would be sick too. Those pictures made you tow the line.
Two decades later, I brush my teeth and wash my hands just as Mrs Owino instructed.
I bet the curriculum then put all these demonstrations to help us understand well why we needed to be clean and healthy. I wonder if Mrs Owino would be talked into doing a demonstration to the same people she taught ages ago to show us how HIV “really does get in” to our bodies. But while these simple messages have their place, the truth is of course more complex. If we take the time to understand how HIV is – and isn’t – transmitted, we are that much better armed to protect our selves and the people we care about.
HIV is found in many of the body fluids of people who are infected with the virus. It can be found at varying concentrations in blood, semen, vaginal fluid, breast milk, saliva, and tears. It cannot be found in sweat or urine.
A simple explanation would be to say that the virus can be transmitted if any of those infected body fluids pass from an infected person to an uninfected person. This risk varies with circumstances.
To start with, there have been no cases recorded of HIV transmission from saliva or tears, so they can safely be crossed off the list. This is to be expected, as the quantities of virus which have been observed in these fluids are extremely low. This is good news for those of us with HIV because it means there’s absolutely zero risk of passing on the virus through casual contact including kissing, hugging, or sharing eating utensils.
That leaves blood, semen, vaginal fluid and breast milk as the remaining body fluids which have been significantly implicated in transmission of HIV. We know from both laboratory experiments and real-world observation that virtually all HIV transmissions can be attributed to one of these four.
Blood-to-blood
HIV can be transmitted by direct blood-to-blood contact – such as through sharing injecting equipment, through blood transfusions or other blood products, or in accidental cases in health-care settings such as hospitals. Nowadays relatively few cases of HIV transmission occur this way. Extensive needle and syringe programs, screening of donated blood and careful adherence to universal precautions in health-care settings have kept the numbers low.
•Never share any injecting equipment, including needles, syringes, spoons and swabs. This will not only prevent transmission of HIV, but also other blood-borne viruses such as hepatitis C.
•Avoid sharing toothbrushes, razors or anything else which could convey blood between two people.
•There’s very little risk of transmission from blood spills, bleeding noses, accidental cuts or open sores, as the blood from the HIV-positive person has to pass into the bloodstream of the negative person. Nonetheless, it’s sensible for anyone who comes in contact with blood to wear latex gloves and wash their hands carefully to avoid any risk of infection.
.In-case of any accidental contact with contaminated blood or in cases where one suspects they have been exposed, there is need to visit a health center for medical intervention such as Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP). Accessing this service within 72 hours of exposure could lower the risk of infection to HIV.
Mother-to-child
HIV can be transmitted from mother to baby, both in the womb and via breast milk. This is called ‘mother-to-child’ transmission.
If nothing is done to prevent transmission, the risk of passing HIV from mother to baby is about 40 percent. But we have known for some time that this risk can be reduced. If you’re pregnant or planning to become pregnant, following the recommended guidelines ensures the risk of transmitting HIV to your baby is minimized. All government hospitals in Kenya provide Prevention of Mother to Child Transmission (PMTCT) with an aim of enabling the HIV positive pregnant women access help.
The risk of transmission can also be cut by reducing the delivery time for the baby, usually by having a cesarean section. If you chose to breastfeed the baby then so so exclusively. HIV can be transmitted via breast milk. one can chose to use other alternative methods of feeding for example formula milk.
Sex
The vast majority of HIV transmissions in Kenya happen through sexual contact. HIV is present in semen, pre-seminal fluid (pre-cum) and vaginal fluid, and can enter the bloodstream of a negative partner through mucous membranes such as those in the rectum and vagina, or through small breaks in the skin caused by intercourse.
We’ve known for a long time that condoms can prevent transmission of HIV via vaginal or anal sex. They’re highly effective, cheap, easy to use and available just about everywhere.
Abstinence which is the only 100 percent preventive measure against HIV is encouraged all the time. Condoms however are the most effective HIV prevention technology there is if one is sexually active.
As an added bonus, using a condom also protects both partners from many sexually-transmitted infections other than HIV. People with HIV should know that these infections can play havoc with their health, so even if both partners are positive, condoms still have a valuable role.
If both partners are HIV-positive, there is no risk of HIV infection, although there is a risk of re-infection – infection with a second, slightly different strain of HIV. This leads to one having more strains of the virus and hence vulnerable to complications. Care should be taken by all HIV positive people to ensure they don’t get re-infected.
Finding a partner who is also HIV-positive may sound desirable but isn’t always easy, and requires that both you and your partner disclose your HIV status – something that may be difficult or uncomfortable. If you’d rather not disclose your status, it’s best to stick to safe or safer sex.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
SEXUAL HEALTH ETIQUETTE
"If you do not have it in you to deal with the consequences of SEX then please ABSTAIN"
Joan (24) knew she had met the man of her dreams when she met Tony four years ago. “We met at a friend’s party and agreed to meet the following day for coffee.” Joan says. “We used a condom every time we got intimate.” She goes on.
After dating for about seven months they decided to move in together. They decided go to the Voluntary Counseling and Testing center(VCT) where they both tested negative for the virus and asked to come back three months later. They tested negative again.
“We were so happy we didn’t have to use a condom from then on.”
“I got pregnant six months later and was over the moon.” She says. “Tony was so happy he was talking of moving to a bigger house, and introduced me to his mother.” She narrates.
When Joan went to her hospital for her first prenatal clinic, she didn’t believe what the nurses had to tell her. “The nurse called me into this room and told me I was HIV positive, I laughed at her. She says. “I was definitely sure she had the results mixed up, I knew I was faithful to Tony, I never believed he was an angel but I just didn’t think he would be stupid not to use protection.” She says.
When the shock wore off and reality finally set in Joan had to deal with her HIV positive status. Tony didn’t want anything to do with the baby after she told him of what happened and even gave her money to terminate the pregnancy. They broke up and she went through her pregnancy and the first five months after her baby was born alone.
“One day when I had finally decided to move on and was clearing his things from the house I came across some papers. They were HIV CD4 results from mbagathi hospital that belonged to Tony and a woman who I later found out was his ex. The test results were dated two months before we met.” She says. “ I don’t even know what I felt after reading those results, all this time Tony knew he was HIV positive and went on ahead to get me pregnant.” The pain of betrayal and the fact that she didn’t really ask to see Tony’s physical results took a toll on her emotions. Joan was so angry she had to enlist the help of some members of her support group to help her work through her anger.
Joan’s story emphasizes the fact that nowadays, sex simply isn’t a safe activity. Even when one believes they are in an honest monogamous relationship with their partners, it’s advised to do everything in your power to protect yourself and assume total responsibility for your own sexual health.
Fear of rejection by our partners, make us give in and agree to unprotected sex. Most HIV+ people find it hard to disclose their status to their partners because of the stigma associated with disclosure so often times we believe ‘just this once wont hurt’ oblivious of the risks and dangers we put ourselves and our partners into.
Aside from sex with monogamous partners, there is the sex that gets to happen sooner than it should; before we get to know our partners properly.
Christine met a man sometime last year when she and her friends went out clubbing. “I bumped into him and spilled his drink which I later offered to replace.” She narrates.
“We ended up talking the whole night and exchanged phone numbers. I was so smitten by him and looked forward to when he would call.” She says.
Peter did call and they met a couple of times before they became intimate. They never had any discussion on sexual health in the two months they were together.
“The issue just never came up.” She says. “One Friday evening Peter started a baseless argument that ended up in a fight.” Christine says.
She decided to take sometime to cool off and didn’t call or meet Peter in a week. Then she started having an itch in her vaginal area.
“I ignored it for a while but after a day or two I had fever and therefore went to see a doctor.” She explains.
Tests revealed that she had syphilis. “I nearly passed out.” She says. She later got treatment and hasn’t ever seen Peter again.
Starting a new sexual relationship is tricky most of the times, this often makes it difficult to know how or when to ask or reveal the crucial things that need to be established.
Young people are usually more sexually active and considered high risk group to HIV.
“What young people don’t realize is that it’s not just HIV you are in dander of contracting but that there are other STI’s potentially in your lover’s body just waiting to get to you.” Nancy Kaharu a counselor at Gold Star Network says.
Nancy says that many young women are taking foolish risks by having unprotected intercourse. She attributes this to emotional issues. “When one isn’t confident about who they are, are feeling depressed or have issues like body image then they are vulnerable to doing things just to please their partners.
The challenge is when to bring up discussions about sexual health in a relationship. When is it safe to discuss and disclose ones HIV+ status to a potential partner? Nancy suggests that Communication should be encouraged from the first day in the relationship. She knows that people are uncomfortable to disclose their HIV+ status to their partners for fear of rejection but she insists that disclosure shows responsibility and basic honesty. You and your partner owe each other the opportunity to make a choice about the risks you will be taking during sex. Knowing your condition before hand doesn’t mean that intercourse is impossible.
“If you aren’t ready to talk about your status to someone then don’t get intimate with them.” She says
Nancy advises that couples should have “the sexual etiquette talk.” During ‘non sexual moments and should have it early on in the relationship.
“At that point when you are talking about what you do and who your friends and family are, this is when you should be discussing sex.” She says.
She reckons that sex is a beautiful thing but if not done right can be very dangerous.
So how does one initiate the sex discussion?
Nancy advises “when talking about HIV testing and condom use couples should concentrate on the future and not on the past.” Partners should focus on past infidelities but should in turn dwell on whether the current relationship has a future. If the relationship is promising then start STI, HIV and condom use discussions earlier on in the relationship. Make it a routine to go for tests and insist on seeing each others results. Most medical institutions now have provision for couples testing and counseling.
She adds that there is need to balance the sex talk.
“Don’t dwell on the dangers, talk about what you like, what you would like and how you want to try out new things. Men love that.” She laughs.
The youth especially young women are advised to be assertive about their sexual safety; even if this means losing your partner because you told them you’re HIV+ status or asked them to put on a condom.
Nancy says it’s all about self respect; if you care about yourself then you will insist that things happen well and safely for you.
Joan (24) knew she had met the man of her dreams when she met Tony four years ago. “We met at a friend’s party and agreed to meet the following day for coffee.” Joan says. “We used a condom every time we got intimate.” She goes on.
After dating for about seven months they decided to move in together. They decided go to the Voluntary Counseling and Testing center(VCT) where they both tested negative for the virus and asked to come back three months later. They tested negative again.
“We were so happy we didn’t have to use a condom from then on.”
“I got pregnant six months later and was over the moon.” She says. “Tony was so happy he was talking of moving to a bigger house, and introduced me to his mother.” She narrates.
When Joan went to her hospital for her first prenatal clinic, she didn’t believe what the nurses had to tell her. “The nurse called me into this room and told me I was HIV positive, I laughed at her. She says. “I was definitely sure she had the results mixed up, I knew I was faithful to Tony, I never believed he was an angel but I just didn’t think he would be stupid not to use protection.” She says.
When the shock wore off and reality finally set in Joan had to deal with her HIV positive status. Tony didn’t want anything to do with the baby after she told him of what happened and even gave her money to terminate the pregnancy. They broke up and she went through her pregnancy and the first five months after her baby was born alone.
“One day when I had finally decided to move on and was clearing his things from the house I came across some papers. They were HIV CD4 results from mbagathi hospital that belonged to Tony and a woman who I later found out was his ex. The test results were dated two months before we met.” She says. “ I don’t even know what I felt after reading those results, all this time Tony knew he was HIV positive and went on ahead to get me pregnant.” The pain of betrayal and the fact that she didn’t really ask to see Tony’s physical results took a toll on her emotions. Joan was so angry she had to enlist the help of some members of her support group to help her work through her anger.
Joan’s story emphasizes the fact that nowadays, sex simply isn’t a safe activity. Even when one believes they are in an honest monogamous relationship with their partners, it’s advised to do everything in your power to protect yourself and assume total responsibility for your own sexual health.
Fear of rejection by our partners, make us give in and agree to unprotected sex. Most HIV+ people find it hard to disclose their status to their partners because of the stigma associated with disclosure so often times we believe ‘just this once wont hurt’ oblivious of the risks and dangers we put ourselves and our partners into.
Aside from sex with monogamous partners, there is the sex that gets to happen sooner than it should; before we get to know our partners properly.
Christine met a man sometime last year when she and her friends went out clubbing. “I bumped into him and spilled his drink which I later offered to replace.” She narrates.
“We ended up talking the whole night and exchanged phone numbers. I was so smitten by him and looked forward to when he would call.” She says.
Peter did call and they met a couple of times before they became intimate. They never had any discussion on sexual health in the two months they were together.
“The issue just never came up.” She says. “One Friday evening Peter started a baseless argument that ended up in a fight.” Christine says.
She decided to take sometime to cool off and didn’t call or meet Peter in a week. Then she started having an itch in her vaginal area.
“I ignored it for a while but after a day or two I had fever and therefore went to see a doctor.” She explains.
Tests revealed that she had syphilis. “I nearly passed out.” She says. She later got treatment and hasn’t ever seen Peter again.
Starting a new sexual relationship is tricky most of the times, this often makes it difficult to know how or when to ask or reveal the crucial things that need to be established.
Young people are usually more sexually active and considered high risk group to HIV.
“What young people don’t realize is that it’s not just HIV you are in dander of contracting but that there are other STI’s potentially in your lover’s body just waiting to get to you.” Nancy Kaharu a counselor at Gold Star Network says.
Nancy says that many young women are taking foolish risks by having unprotected intercourse. She attributes this to emotional issues. “When one isn’t confident about who they are, are feeling depressed or have issues like body image then they are vulnerable to doing things just to please their partners.
The challenge is when to bring up discussions about sexual health in a relationship. When is it safe to discuss and disclose ones HIV+ status to a potential partner? Nancy suggests that Communication should be encouraged from the first day in the relationship. She knows that people are uncomfortable to disclose their HIV+ status to their partners for fear of rejection but she insists that disclosure shows responsibility and basic honesty. You and your partner owe each other the opportunity to make a choice about the risks you will be taking during sex. Knowing your condition before hand doesn’t mean that intercourse is impossible.
“If you aren’t ready to talk about your status to someone then don’t get intimate with them.” She says
Nancy advises that couples should have “the sexual etiquette talk.” During ‘non sexual moments and should have it early on in the relationship.
“At that point when you are talking about what you do and who your friends and family are, this is when you should be discussing sex.” She says.
She reckons that sex is a beautiful thing but if not done right can be very dangerous.
So how does one initiate the sex discussion?
Nancy advises “when talking about HIV testing and condom use couples should concentrate on the future and not on the past.” Partners should focus on past infidelities but should in turn dwell on whether the current relationship has a future. If the relationship is promising then start STI, HIV and condom use discussions earlier on in the relationship. Make it a routine to go for tests and insist on seeing each others results. Most medical institutions now have provision for couples testing and counseling.
She adds that there is need to balance the sex talk.
“Don’t dwell on the dangers, talk about what you like, what you would like and how you want to try out new things. Men love that.” She laughs.
The youth especially young women are advised to be assertive about their sexual safety; even if this means losing your partner because you told them you’re HIV+ status or asked them to put on a condom.
Nancy says it’s all about self respect; if you care about yourself then you will insist that things happen well and safely for you.
Friday, February 27, 2009
AFTER THE TEST
“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I fear, I cry and I know you do the same too. So we are really the same me and you”
A couple of minutes after one is told they have tested HIV positive are probably the worse minutes of their lives. I know they were mine. Although after living with this virus this long one tends to encounter other worse things, but that day in the VCT center 5years ago will forever remain etched in my mind.
Everyone has a different story of how they first found out, others decided to go for the voluntary counseling and testing (VCT), others found out after being sick, yet others found out after deaths of spouses raised concerns. What’s common though is the reactions we all exhibit as soon as we find out. Some of us sink into shock and only realize what’s happening way later, there are those who start crying and wont stop no matter what, then there are those of us who just walk out of the doctors office and forget we were ever there. How one is treated at this time, most often determines how they will handle the news and progress from there on.
After surviving the first few moments and the hours, one grapples with various emotions and stages as the reality of the news sinks. Here are a number of emotions (not is any particular order) that one deals with and here’s- in my opinion- how best to deal with them.
Fear
None if us likes going into a new place they hadn’t planned to go to. We always get apprehensive about what we may find there. With the knowledge that one is HIV+ comes the fear of death. Then we fear what the society would do or say to us once they know. We have seen how they treated other people in the past; we know how our family and friends talk about this. We know how the society has judged this a moral disease and we are scared of being judged immoral. We cry a lot at this time mostly because we know at some point or another we will have to deal with family, friends and society reactions and we don’t think we are strong enough for it. My counselor advised that whenever I needed to cry I should go ahead and do it.
“Crying is therapeutic and good for you.” she said.
I have since discovered that the best way to deal with fear is by facing it head on. Sounds insane? Believe me it works. Nelson Mandela once said,
“I learnt that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man isn’t he who doesn’t feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
Numb
This is when one feels, nothing, zilch, zero! Most of the times, this is because one is in shock. One can be in shock for days or weeks, normally they don’t talk about it, go on like all is well but often times break down at the least expected time. After my own results were given to me, I went to a party and spent the weekend with friends like nothing really happened. I broke down three days later in my office when the news finally sank in.
Other times it’s because they are in denial. You tell yourself that this isn’t happening and it can’t be happening to you. Different people go through denial in different ways. Take Emily for instance. She found out she was HIV positive when she was 20years old. She blocked the story from her mind, went on with her life, got married to someone else and has a seven-year-old son. 10years after her test, she decided to seek treatment and is currently in a support group.
Now denial is not a bad thing for helping you go about your life as you deal with the big change that this news has brought to your life. It allows you to take sometime off making some very important decisions but usually it doest work forever. Eventually you will need to make decisions like about where to seek care and treatment, how best to disclose to your friends and family, whether to have a baby or not to and many others. The sooner you get off this stage the better for you. You may get stuck in this stage and end up sick because you didn’t seek the help you need to live a better life.
Rage.
This is the intense anger that one feels towards others or themselves. You may be furious at yourself for having not protected yourself, for having let it happen. Some people resent or get angry with the people they believe infected them, others get angry with God for allowing it to happen. At this time people always exhibit reckless behavior. Normally when one feels there is no other way out of the mess this news has on their life. They reckon,
“I’m going to die anyway so why should I care?” or “I want to drink and have as much fun as I can because I will die soon.”
Some people sell all their belongings albeit at a throw away price because, you guessed right, they believe they are dying. Such behavior will not get you anything but regret. Regret for when 5 years later you are not dead but broke or poor and with a long list of people you infected on your conscience.
Others lose psyche for work or their families. Often times this is the time when most people have given up on life and all the beautiful things it has to offer. This is an understandable feeling. However, it’s advisable to channel all that energy to something more productive. With the help and support from family, friends and counselors one can get over this
Depression
You are tired, you don’t want to get out of bed, and you probably would welcome death if it stretched out a hand to you. Well, all of us have gone through such feelings in our lives for one reason or another. Like the grand break up from your first love? It gave you similar kinds of feelings only this time it feels worse?
“I wished I would just die and not have to deal with people finding out.” Caroline a member of my support group once told us.
This was echoed by a lot of other people. At this point some of us get suicidal. We see no reason to go on, we wonder why we shouldn’t save everyone the agony of seeing us sick and just end it.
Depression sometimes slows us down as we recover from a big blow in our lives but just like denial, it shouldn’t be allowed to overstay its welcome. Depression doesn’t work well when one is HIV positive. It’s advisable to seek counseling or support of family and friends if you can. Join a support group or post-test club near you. Group support gets anyone out of the rut. I know because it was the beginning of me finding strength enough to do what I do today.
Negotiating.
At this point, you believe that everything is happening to you because for some reason or another you were evil or bad and you are getting punished for it. For some people this is the time you feel philanthropic and give a lot of donations to make peace with yourself, others contact family and friends that they had lost touch with and yet others become fanatic church goers.
“ I used to go for all the prayer sessions and meetings.” Confessed Mary.
“ I was totally disappointed when after a year I still had an attack of TB and this time had to go to hospital.” She goes on
We negotiate with God that if we try to be good for a while, then he will wake us up from this horrible dream. We negotiate with ourselves that if probably we try
To make right what we made wrong then God would forgive us. There is a lot of frustration later on when one finds out that no matter how good they try to be, the condition isn’t going away and they have to deal with it. The sooner one realizes they need to deal with this news, the better for them. Talk to someone a counselor or friend to help you through this, or better still join a support group near you.
Low Self Esteem.
You will at all times be faced with low self esteem at one point or another. Different people have low esteem issues for different reasons. There are those who now feel their spouses will not want to stay married to them, most women go about feeling they are not right for any man and end up being used, humiliated and made to feel worthless. Some people maybe due to weight loss from being sick or weight gain from medicines begin to hate their bodies and feel bad about it. You don’t see reason why you should dress up and look nice, or go to parties or to get togethers. You withdraw from family, friends and colleagues
This is often times the reason for misery in our lives. You begin to believe you are not good enough. You don’t apply for that good job; don’t seek educational, professional or personal growth because you believe those things aren’t for you.
“For a long time I convinced myself and my friends that I didn’t like children.” Terry told me.
“I believed that if I kept saying this then I would believe it.” She explained. At the moment, Terry is trying out for a baby after she got married to a HIV-ve man last year, another of the things she thought impossible.
The best cure for esteem issues is self-love and self-acceptance. This doesn’t happen overnight. One needs to inject doses of positive things and energy into their lives every day. Loving you makes it easy for you to deal with lots of things that may happen to your life.
Acceptance.
This is the point when you can look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself; I have HIV but I am not defined by my HIV status but by who I am.
The sooner one gets to this stage the better for them. There is no time limit however for one to get to this point where they accept they have the virus, it’s not leaving and so they have to live with it. At this point most people reach out for help. Look for a doctor or a hospital, go for tests, start treatment, research on how best they can live their lives, disclose to their partners, family and friends and how they can cope with everyday challenges. Getting to this point doesn’t mean that we wont get anymore challenges to deal with but from here, we can about face any of them and with the help of our support system overcome it.
This is probably a cliché, testing HIV positive isn’t really the end of the world, and with the right support and help one can live their lives as productive as any other person. So many people have lived this proof; we just need to believe in our self that we can do it too.
floafriq@gmail.com
A couple of minutes after one is told they have tested HIV positive are probably the worse minutes of their lives. I know they were mine. Although after living with this virus this long one tends to encounter other worse things, but that day in the VCT center 5years ago will forever remain etched in my mind.
Everyone has a different story of how they first found out, others decided to go for the voluntary counseling and testing (VCT), others found out after being sick, yet others found out after deaths of spouses raised concerns. What’s common though is the reactions we all exhibit as soon as we find out. Some of us sink into shock and only realize what’s happening way later, there are those who start crying and wont stop no matter what, then there are those of us who just walk out of the doctors office and forget we were ever there. How one is treated at this time, most often determines how they will handle the news and progress from there on.
After surviving the first few moments and the hours, one grapples with various emotions and stages as the reality of the news sinks. Here are a number of emotions (not is any particular order) that one deals with and here’s- in my opinion- how best to deal with them.
Fear
None if us likes going into a new place they hadn’t planned to go to. We always get apprehensive about what we may find there. With the knowledge that one is HIV+ comes the fear of death. Then we fear what the society would do or say to us once they know. We have seen how they treated other people in the past; we know how our family and friends talk about this. We know how the society has judged this a moral disease and we are scared of being judged immoral. We cry a lot at this time mostly because we know at some point or another we will have to deal with family, friends and society reactions and we don’t think we are strong enough for it. My counselor advised that whenever I needed to cry I should go ahead and do it.
“Crying is therapeutic and good for you.” she said.
I have since discovered that the best way to deal with fear is by facing it head on. Sounds insane? Believe me it works. Nelson Mandela once said,
“I learnt that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man isn’t he who doesn’t feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
Numb
This is when one feels, nothing, zilch, zero! Most of the times, this is because one is in shock. One can be in shock for days or weeks, normally they don’t talk about it, go on like all is well but often times break down at the least expected time. After my own results were given to me, I went to a party and spent the weekend with friends like nothing really happened. I broke down three days later in my office when the news finally sank in.
Other times it’s because they are in denial. You tell yourself that this isn’t happening and it can’t be happening to you. Different people go through denial in different ways. Take Emily for instance. She found out she was HIV positive when she was 20years old. She blocked the story from her mind, went on with her life, got married to someone else and has a seven-year-old son. 10years after her test, she decided to seek treatment and is currently in a support group.
Now denial is not a bad thing for helping you go about your life as you deal with the big change that this news has brought to your life. It allows you to take sometime off making some very important decisions but usually it doest work forever. Eventually you will need to make decisions like about where to seek care and treatment, how best to disclose to your friends and family, whether to have a baby or not to and many others. The sooner you get off this stage the better for you. You may get stuck in this stage and end up sick because you didn’t seek the help you need to live a better life.
Rage.
This is the intense anger that one feels towards others or themselves. You may be furious at yourself for having not protected yourself, for having let it happen. Some people resent or get angry with the people they believe infected them, others get angry with God for allowing it to happen. At this time people always exhibit reckless behavior. Normally when one feels there is no other way out of the mess this news has on their life. They reckon,
“I’m going to die anyway so why should I care?” or “I want to drink and have as much fun as I can because I will die soon.”
Some people sell all their belongings albeit at a throw away price because, you guessed right, they believe they are dying. Such behavior will not get you anything but regret. Regret for when 5 years later you are not dead but broke or poor and with a long list of people you infected on your conscience.
Others lose psyche for work or their families. Often times this is the time when most people have given up on life and all the beautiful things it has to offer. This is an understandable feeling. However, it’s advisable to channel all that energy to something more productive. With the help and support from family, friends and counselors one can get over this
Depression
You are tired, you don’t want to get out of bed, and you probably would welcome death if it stretched out a hand to you. Well, all of us have gone through such feelings in our lives for one reason or another. Like the grand break up from your first love? It gave you similar kinds of feelings only this time it feels worse?
“I wished I would just die and not have to deal with people finding out.” Caroline a member of my support group once told us.
This was echoed by a lot of other people. At this point some of us get suicidal. We see no reason to go on, we wonder why we shouldn’t save everyone the agony of seeing us sick and just end it.
Depression sometimes slows us down as we recover from a big blow in our lives but just like denial, it shouldn’t be allowed to overstay its welcome. Depression doesn’t work well when one is HIV positive. It’s advisable to seek counseling or support of family and friends if you can. Join a support group or post-test club near you. Group support gets anyone out of the rut. I know because it was the beginning of me finding strength enough to do what I do today.
Negotiating.
At this point, you believe that everything is happening to you because for some reason or another you were evil or bad and you are getting punished for it. For some people this is the time you feel philanthropic and give a lot of donations to make peace with yourself, others contact family and friends that they had lost touch with and yet others become fanatic church goers.
“ I used to go for all the prayer sessions and meetings.” Confessed Mary.
“ I was totally disappointed when after a year I still had an attack of TB and this time had to go to hospital.” She goes on
We negotiate with God that if we try to be good for a while, then he will wake us up from this horrible dream. We negotiate with ourselves that if probably we try
To make right what we made wrong then God would forgive us. There is a lot of frustration later on when one finds out that no matter how good they try to be, the condition isn’t going away and they have to deal with it. The sooner one realizes they need to deal with this news, the better for them. Talk to someone a counselor or friend to help you through this, or better still join a support group near you.
Low Self Esteem.
You will at all times be faced with low self esteem at one point or another. Different people have low esteem issues for different reasons. There are those who now feel their spouses will not want to stay married to them, most women go about feeling they are not right for any man and end up being used, humiliated and made to feel worthless. Some people maybe due to weight loss from being sick or weight gain from medicines begin to hate their bodies and feel bad about it. You don’t see reason why you should dress up and look nice, or go to parties or to get togethers. You withdraw from family, friends and colleagues
This is often times the reason for misery in our lives. You begin to believe you are not good enough. You don’t apply for that good job; don’t seek educational, professional or personal growth because you believe those things aren’t for you.
“For a long time I convinced myself and my friends that I didn’t like children.” Terry told me.
“I believed that if I kept saying this then I would believe it.” She explained. At the moment, Terry is trying out for a baby after she got married to a HIV-ve man last year, another of the things she thought impossible.
The best cure for esteem issues is self-love and self-acceptance. This doesn’t happen overnight. One needs to inject doses of positive things and energy into their lives every day. Loving you makes it easy for you to deal with lots of things that may happen to your life.
Acceptance.
This is the point when you can look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself; I have HIV but I am not defined by my HIV status but by who I am.
The sooner one gets to this stage the better for them. There is no time limit however for one to get to this point where they accept they have the virus, it’s not leaving and so they have to live with it. At this point most people reach out for help. Look for a doctor or a hospital, go for tests, start treatment, research on how best they can live their lives, disclose to their partners, family and friends and how they can cope with everyday challenges. Getting to this point doesn’t mean that we wont get anymore challenges to deal with but from here, we can about face any of them and with the help of our support system overcome it.
This is probably a cliché, testing HIV positive isn’t really the end of the world, and with the right support and help one can live their lives as productive as any other person. So many people have lived this proof; we just need to believe in our self that we can do it too.
floafriq@gmail.com
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