LESSONS FROM MY PAST

Time takes it all. Whether you want it or not, time takes it all away, time bears it away…and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we leave them there again- Stephen King

The first support group meeting of the year took place on Saturday and I was happy to see most of the guys back, happy and healthy. Listening to guys talk about their new year’s resolutions was encouraging. As a group we did agree on a number of things we will do this year. Topping the list of course was fun. We were going to have fun. There is nothing to be happy about in the country at the moment what with the drought, our politicians constant bickering and the sky rocketing commodity prices. We aren’t going to let that put us down because we will hold each others hand and spread the cheer.

Ever done something or gone through a phase in your life where you did things you weren’t really proud of? I have. I shocked my self when I shared this with guys from the group,(I just lost face as the near perfect girl who has it all together) I didn’t tell them because I wanted to get stuff out of my ‘closet’, I wanted guys to realize that with the news that one has HIV begins a process in our lives. We will make mistakes, terrible ones but we can seek help or try to change or whatever. So we don’t have to point fingers at each other and think others are fine or not. Sometimes there are those we think are managing okay but contrary to that thought, a lot of us are just as weak.

So this is my confession. Truth be told, the events of this period have been blocked from my mind. They came up on Saturday. That explains why I am surprised I even talked about it. To those who know me: You shall not use this against me when I become famous and run for president in some small unknown country where I shall be a citizen by marriage!!!
Forgive the tangent.

The first boyfriend I ever disclosed my status to was my college ex. incidentally we had mind blowing passionate sex exactly a week before I took the test. On the day I got my results, he was waiting for me at his house where he had a mini-bash going on with some friends. I was in shock, he wanted me to stay the night and I couldn’t so still in shock I told him. He didn’t talk to me for about six months. He tested HIV- after working up the courage to go gets tested and I was relived. We sort of dated on and off until 2007 when I decided to be ‘purely platonic’

Unknown to me though was that around this time, my friend who accompanied me for the test was telling everyone she could about my new developments. I watched my popularity ratings take a dive, my self esteem following next. All my friends just got busy or mean and the men, who once had an interest, didn’t want to be around me anymore.
See I grew up in the suburbs I am good at smiling even when we are screaming inside. So on the outside I was the perfectly normal okay corporate woman in short skirts and high heels going about her business but on the inside I wanted to explode.

I met Terry at a friends party, she was bubbly, fun and the center of everyone’s attention; everything that I used to be before I turned positive. I somehow-maybe because I wanted some of that light on me- got close to her and before I knew it, I was the wild girl partying too much and meeting strange men all over town and beyond.

Looking back, I don’t even know how I survived; I took a lot of risks with my life. I met guys whose names I didn’t even know in hotel rooms; I drove out of town with them. I used fake names and had about seven email addresses. I didn’t tell them I was HIV+ I just ensured I had condoms with me. All the men I went out with had to be married or in serious relationships (serious live in girlfriends/fiancées); that way we didn’t have to argue about the condoms. I guess it was my subconscious setting up for relationships that I knew wouldn’t work.

I had hit the self- destruct button. All my friends-the true ones- tried to tell me politely that I was tripping but I kept having a reason for what I was doing.
“This is the only way I will have fun.” I defended my action.
“No man will want me if they know so this way is better.” I would argue
“I’m fine, I know what I am doing.” I would reassure them

Terry and i met for after work drinks, I avoided my other friends, the ones that tried to stop me.
So one Thursday a couple of months later I woke up late and hangovered. I didn’t know where I was, a minute later I realized I was in my house, on my bed looking around I saw a used condom. I panicked because I couldn’t remember coming home or meeting anyone, I actually had no recollection of what had happened last night. That did it for me; At that point I had to confront my emotions. As I burst into tears I realized I was angry. I was angry at a lot of thing. Angry at the man who gave me HIV, angry at myself for letting it happen, angry at the men who rejected me, angry at the person I had become and i was scared. Scared that if I finally accepted something wasn’t okay then I will be a lesser person. Scared that I will die before I could achieve any of my dreams, scared at the failure I had become. It didn’t help that I had no one to talk to.

I needed help; whatever form of sanity was welcome so I called my friend K. He listened to me rumble on and on for a while and well; lets just say he watched out for me every day.
I made a pact with myself then not to sleep with married guys ever again. That was two years ago and I am proud of who I have become, I worked on my esteem issues, found self love- it didn’t take a day- more importantly I took all those emotions and energy and turned them into something positive. All these things didn’t happen overnight, they took time and determination on my part to survive.

After the meeting, three girls from the group asked if we could have private sessions, they identified with me they said. Its strange how when you are going through something you think you are the only one in it only to realize you aren’t.
This is a phase, all of us go through, there are those of us who decide to become fanatic church guys, and then there are those ones of us who pick up addictions like sex or drugs or shopping. We don’t talk about it, so we get withdrawn or get defensive every time someone who cares asks if we are okay.
Not all of us have been lucky to go through this process unscathed. A number of us from the group have horrid stories to tell, Jacky kept on drinking and not eating very well, she came down with TB and got to full blown AIDS. It’s been seven years and she is fine now. Nick got a stroke that saw him paralyzed on his left side of the body. After years of recovery process, he is okay and going on with work. Then there are those who passed on.
Trust the process they say, it’s the only way to beat this thing….it helps tones if you aren’t going through the baby steps of this process alone. It helps a great deal.