CD4 MANIA

Taking care of issues for some of our members today got me so busy I actually forgot to have lunch. I am not hungry though, for some reason all I could die for right now is a bottle of chilled kingfisher or Smirnoff ice black……and some good bongo music at my local.Oh how i long for the days my friends and i religiously had the 'Monday drink.'

That isn’t what I will get today though….because I can’t. Well you see Friday was my clinic day. I have clinic visits every 3months and CD4 test (test done to check the level of ones immunity in the blood) every 6months. I haven’t been on medication since I discovered my HIV status but I religiously keep my clinic visits. In the last test my CD4 cells were 798

I hate the CD4 counts though; for various reasons.
First there is the needle. I don’t mean to sound like some spoilt kid but from day one having the lab technician prick my arm to draw blood made me feel like a laboratory rat. One should think that with three years of knowing my HIV status and about 6 CD4 tests I should have gotten used to having my arm pricked but noooooooo! I guess in this life there are things one doesn’t get used to at all.

After the needle thing, then I have to deal with the results of the test. I hate it when my immunity goes down. I tell myself a lot of things like ‘I am losing the fight’ or ‘I am too vulnerable to infections.’ Bla bla bla. I don’t know what my CD4 result will be this time but will do so in two weeks.

Any HIV positive person will tell you they value the numbers of their CD4. I have no idea why we are so bothered even when our doctors tell us the fluctuations are normal. Jackie calls it CD4mania and admonishes me every time I blame little things on suspicions that my immunity is low.

A couple of weeks ago, Edith a girl in my youth support group called me in the middle of the night.

“I am sorry to wake you up but I can’t sleep.” She apologized

“Its okay dear, what’s up?” I sleepily replied

“I have to come in and see you tomorrow. I am so depressed.” She said.

I agree thinking she probably had a fight with her relatives whom she stays with and who to date don’t know about her HIV positive status.

Well she did turn up the following day and the reason for her sleepless night? Her CD4 results had gone down by 149. Well Edith isn’t on medication and her last CD test was at 700. She was still way above danger point but she is still stressed. I cant help but think about how many other people have had me drop everything I am doing to have this chat. It’s always the same thing.

“The doctor says its normal but I am still worried”. Christine another group member told me. I guess for us who haven’t started medication yet, the nightmare is crazy. You don’t want to go into the meds yet you know somehow that a simple test will determine that you start taking them. My answer all the time is;

“Find something positive to focus your energy on sweetie because this is what you will feel every time you go for the test.”

This isn’t what I feel when its my turn to go for my results though. Easier said than done ha!

I have had a lot of pimples of late something that’s unusual. I decided to tell that to my Doctor. Results? I have a month's prescription for antibiotics damn! I don’t like medicine! I wish there were some ailments that could be treated by say 5 glasses of wine a day! i would actually enjoy visits to the doc! Speaking of wine, there goes alcohol for another one month! Double Damn!

It think as much as I put on a brave face every day and bring out all the positive energy in me to spread around to all who may need it; there is a part of me that will always be scared of what this virus can do to me. And like everyone else realizing this is like taking one step ahead into doing something about it.

Jerry Gillies once said,

“Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead.”