LIVE LIFE; Get out of the shadow.

It’s about 8.30pm and I am still stuck in the office….long story. Taking a break to talk about my day. Well……lets see.

I am kind of thinking of what my life would be like if I was married. I would leave work in another half hour to go home to a family (Husband and kid-s).
Tired as I am right now, I will have to deal with baby stuff, and then ensure my husband has had his dinner and a warm bath. Sort out the following day’s issues with the house help before I go to ‘our bedroom’.
I am about to get into bed and my husband gives me ‘the look’. He wants me. As much as I feel good to be desired, I would be moaning inside because I am too tired to even fake it this time round.
Mmmm I think I would quickly reach out for the ‘ugly black stocking’ that men confess to hate so much. Maybe that would turn him off and get him off my back for a while or better still he could sneak into our maid’s room and I get to find out and lose it….ah! Weird thoughts.

Before anyone thinks I am one of those anti-men women, I totally like men. They are better hang out pals and make very good true friends. I think a lot changes though once they share a bed with you and sex happens.

Today I got an email from a woman whose brother just got tested for HIV about three or so months ago. Her brother has only told her and their mother about his HIV positive status. He isn’t comfortable with anyone else in their family knowing just yet because he is scared of the way they will treat him once they find out. Well Dorothy’s brother isn’t on ARV’s yet but takes septrin tablets and tries as much as he can to go on with his life.
Last night Dorothy’s brother came home to visit and he has a cough or a cold or something like that. Her daughter who adores her uncle was all over him playing with him and clinging to him all the time.
Her concern was whether her brother could transmit the virus to her daughter because he was coughing and sometimes holding her too close.

My first reaction to this email was pain, then anger. I wondered where this woman had been in the last decade to even think those kinds of things. The first anti stigma and discrimination messages were all about ‘you can’t get HIV through touching and kissing and sharing utensils….’
I almost didn’t write back because I kept putting myself in her brothers shoes and thinking how crushed I would be if I found out that’s what she thought.

Last year my friend Betty’s sister Candy came back from the states where she lives to visit, she came with her 9 month old baby. We were fine and I was sort of giving her tips on how to take care of her baby-seeing as I was once a young confused mum-. We cooed at the baby and I even fed her. Well that was before Betty told her sister about my HIV status behind my back. To date I really don’t know what she said because I never got any close to that child ever. As soon as I got to the house, the baby would be whisked upstairs. I never even noticed anything strange until their house help pointed it out to me. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even cry.
That should explain my initial feelings I guess, I was sort of taken back to that time and how hurt I was.

Being in this situation has taught me how to at people and situations objectively. So I put myself in Dorothy’s shoes. Tried to rationalize her fears. Well she was just doing what any mother would do, worry about the safety of her child who she loves more than anyone in the entire world. I bet she was kind of torn between hurting her brother’s feelings and being a mum. Maybe that’s why she wrote to us. She didn’t need for me to be angry with her; she needed information and had reached out to people like her bro to get it.
So I replied to her mail giving instances where transmission of HIV can occur, reassuring her that as far as I know the only virus her daughter was exposed to at the time was the one for flu. And I encouraged her to make time to come and spend some time with some of our members and kids. I am hoping she will learn a lot about people living with HIV (PLHIV) when she hangs out with us.

I believe that the reason why most people shun and stigmatise people living with HIV is fear and lack of information. We blame people for what happens to us yet we do nothing to change the situation.

Maybe what we HIV+ people need to do is stand up and do our part in putting a face to positive living instead of hiding in the shadows all the time. Then maybe people wouldn't need to be so scared of us.