KEEPING THE CANDLELIGHT BURNING

“There is a candle in every soul, Some brightly burning, some dark and cold
There is a Spirit who brings a fire, Ignites a candle and makes His home” Chris Rice from his song GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD.

The International AIDS Candlelight Memorial, a program of the Global Health Council, is one of the oldest and largest grassroots mobilization campaigns for HIV/AIDS awareness in the world. This year’s Memorial will be marked on 16th May 2010.

Started in 1983 and marked every third Sunday in May, this day hosts Worldwide local memorials that honor those that we have lost due to Complications of AIDS and raise social consciousness about the disease. As well as to honour the memories of those who have fought so hard for the rights and well being of people affected by HIV,

This year’s theme for the Memorial is “Many Lights for Human Rights,” which the Global Health Council hopes will circulate globally to promote greater understanding about the legal barriers marginalized communities can face in obtaining access to antiretroviral treatment and care, HIV prevention services and basic health care, including for HIV-related diseases like tuberculosis and malaria. Organizations are working together to demand dignity and human rights for communities affected by HIV.


We in Kenya have made great strides in our response towards HIV&AIDS. There is marked reduction of stigma in some areas, we have sections of the HIV&AIDS Act of 2007 operational, we have lots of programs that deal with the social issues this disease brought to our country et al.
We are not there yet, this day serves to remind us; all of us that there is still so much we can do to try and achieve a world free of HIV.

This Candle light memorial I want to remember my friends through whom I have learn a lot of lessons, shared life stories with and who for some reason didn’t make it to be alive today.
2009 will forever be marked in my heart, for both good and bad reasons. Mainly though because it’s the first time I lost people close to me to this disease.

Shiro -January.

The year started glum, at a young age of 25, this girl who had so much going on for her passed away leaving her husband of three months and a two month old baby. She had just graduated as a lawyer, been accepted to the Bar and gotten married to a great guy and brought forth a beautiful baby boy. Her leaving us reminds me everyday that this disease affects all generations, and there is so much we can lose. I also learned that love has no boundaries. If we truly love and are loved then we will forever remain etched in the hearts of the people dear to us. RIP Shiro.

Anne Janet-February

I took Anne in when she came to Nairobi October of 2008 and had no place to stay because her sister wasn’t comfortable staying with her. Even then, her health was wanting, but she had so much energy. She was a nurse by profession and so good at her job. She left us too fast; it was more shocking than it was painful. She had a good man beside her so it didn’t matter that her family wasn’t so supportive. From her I learn that God sends people to your life for a reason, and sometimes friends turn out to have your back more than you can imagine. I miss talking to you about boys my friend. RIP Janet.

Stella-June

We met four times I think. You had one hell of a beautiful smile. Well, I guess it hid a lot from us; your smile that is. We for instance never knew why you decided it was too much for you to take. The turmoil of living with HIV is crazy. The gals were all shocked when they heard you left us. Then got scared when they found out exactly how you left us. Maybe we did learn something out of that though. That a problem once shared is a problem half solved because now? People share a lot. And reach out more.

Shiko- August

Now Shiko was one burst of energy! She worked in the kitchen and made us tea and lunch. I found out nearly a year or so later when doing her story for a magazine that Shiko couldn’t swallow anything that wasn’t liquid. She had gotten sick once with oral thrush and didn’t properly manage it so wasn’t able to stop the infection from getting to her oesophagus. She survived on porridge and light juice and soup. Crashed her ARV’s and dissolved them in water. She instantly became my hero. I mean here was a woman who made 'kick ass' lunch everyday knowing fully well she would have to just sit back and watch us eat. Shiko I miss your Kikuyu pilau! RIP dear.

Wangeci- September

Another young girl who had a lot going on. I met you in town a couple of months before you left us and you looked fine. Your death was a huge shock and then some. Sent all of us into a serious panic. Gave me the hugest punch of emotions since 2004. First I was sad, then I was scared, then I was angry at you for refusing to take your 'meds', then I was scared that I was angry and now? I am just sad. Every time I meet someone that looks like you I feel sad for the loss. You and I worked on a number of projects together, you may be gone my dear but the vision you had keeps on. No one I know is ignoring the doctor’s advice now. R.I.P sweets.

Caroline- November

Hardly a week passes without me thinking about you. Every time I do, tears fill my eyes. I am not sad that you are gone anymore. I believe you are in a better place; Peaceful place. I just miss my friend sooo much.
I shared a lot with you, learned bagfuls of stuff from you. Key though is how much love can exist in our hearts if we just allow it. R.I.P sweety.

All of us are affected by HIV&AIDS either directly or indirectly. We have all lost someone we know. Let that not be in vain. Let it be a light in our hearts that would make us do what is right so that we stop new infections, get treatment to those who need it, Access Voluntary Counseling and Testing to enable us make informed choices and Live life!!

So this Sunday, I will light candles for these incredible women who in their own way touched my life. I hope you light some too!

LESSONS FROM 2009

"Live each season as it passes, breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." Henry David Thoreau

This was one hell of a year! I am proud to report that all of the key things had planned to do are off my check list. Totally proud of me.
I didn’t think it would happen but it all did go down well.

Most importantly I have learned a number of life lessons this year. Let me share some of them.

Treatment Fatigue.
I have learned that no matter how good you are at keeping rules and regulations handed down by the doctor, that sometimes after one has lived with this virus for a while, made visits to the clinic, taken their Septrin, used a condom every time they have sex and all the other long list of Do’s and don’ts that we get handed down by the doctors. One can get tired of it all.
Yeah, I got tired of being HIV positive this year. I missed my clinic for most of the year and no matter how much the social worker at the hospital called me to go in for a meeting, I just didn’t.
Well, after a well deserved break; I am back to clinic, with a doctor I like. Took my CD4 test before my birthday as promised and the results? 753. My doc thinks I need to be tested again to check if I have the virus he he he.

God’s Angels.
Forget the drawings of white people in white robes and wings you saw in your Sunday school. Angels aren’t somewhere flying around in heaven singing “Haleluya”.
Angels are right here, in everyday life. Every year my sis Debs and i make a point of counting how many Angels God sends us.
This year I have so many the list is crazy. From people who I met a week prior to my resignation from my old job and who lined up jobs for me to do enabling me to make through to my next job, from friends who made calls when I was going through a certain breakup in February; to friends who offered physical, emotional and sometimes financial help when I needed it, to a special friend who showed me in every practical way that I don’t have to hang out in a bar with a guy to have fun.
This year, these angels have touched my life in so many ways and in a big way, changed it. I am a different person. And I am falling in love with this new me.

Any woman can be any woman’s friend.
I know this sounds cheesy but it’s true. Well at the beginning of this year, I was in the middle of counseling some girl who was getting a lot of stress from some man in her life. The moment she mentions his name and where he works I find out it’s the guy I was seeing.
I went into complete shock. This was worse than Shiko of Easy Fm, busting her own boyfriend sometime last year. Well, I didn’t know what to say, she was stressed to tears. I couldn’t add to her stress. I recovered from the shock to hear the part of her story where she paid the guy lots of money to be in the relationship.
On a serious note that hit hard. I couldn’t believe that a man I liked, who took care of me so well had to get paid for ‘it’.

Well, you can call me whatever you want, strong, insane, weird….. whatever you like but I decided to help this woman get her self esteem. I mean why the hell would she pay up for love or sex or whatever? As we speak, we are best of friends. We talk everyday, I count her as one of the angels I met this year.
I wonder what would have happened if I had gone wild and started a fight. Hmmm i wonder!!

Faith can move mountains.
At the beginning of this year, top on my checklist was the fact that I needed to get out of my old job. It wasn’t giving me any of the growth I wanted anymore. I wanted something new, something better.
Most of my friends kept telling me to look for another job before I quit. I for a moment there I believed that was the best thing to do. Well things back at work moved from bad to worse and one morning I woke up, went to the office, cleared my desk and came home. I took a step of faith, I didn’t know where I was going to or what I was going to do but I left anyway.
Looking back, this is the best decision I made this year. A day later I was off to Mombasa for my first assignment as a consultant, 4 months later I got my new job. You can be whatever you want to be, you just have to have faith and take the step.
Martin Luther King Jnr once said, “You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”
Trust me, you will get there.

Gratitude gets you more.
You will not get anywhere complaining or being stressed about something or everything. If for every 10 minutes you take a whole minute to be grateful for just one thing that you have or has happened then your attitude about life would change. You would be more cheerful and fun to be around, then people would want to be around you and before you know it, everything will be going well for you. Be grateful for life; be grateful for family and friends around you , be grateful for the food you eat, for your job, for even the smallest thing like getting to work on time because believe me, somewhere not far from you, someone doesn’t have what you have. That is what makes life worth living.
This is the best lesson to take into 2010.

To my friends and relatives new and old who have been with me through out the year; Thank you so much! To those of you that I haven’t met but keep writing me emails because this blog has an impact on you, Thank you too. You are the reason I keep writing. To those who read, learn something and try to be better people or educate someone, thank you as well, because then the chain of ‘good’ keeps getting longer.

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. Happy 2010 full of blessings and beauty!

SEXUAL HEALTH ETIQUETTE

"If you do not have it in you to deal with the consequences of SEX then please ABSTAIN"



Joan (24) knew she had met the man of her dreams when she met Tony four years ago. “We met at a friend’s party and agreed to meet the following day for coffee.” Joan says. “We used a condom every time we got intimate.” She goes on.

After dating for about seven months they decided to move in together. They decided go to the Voluntary Counseling and Testing center(VCT) where they both tested negative for the virus and asked to come back three months later. They tested negative again.
“We were so happy we didn’t have to use a condom from then on.”
“I got pregnant six months later and was over the moon.” She says. “Tony was so happy he was talking of moving to a bigger house, and introduced me to his mother.” She narrates.

When Joan went to her hospital for her first prenatal clinic, she didn’t believe what the nurses had to tell her. “The nurse called me into this room and told me I was HIV positive, I laughed at her. She says. “I was definitely sure she had the results mixed up, I knew I was faithful to Tony, I never believed he was an angel but I just didn’t think he would be stupid not to use protection.” She says.

When the shock wore off and reality finally set in Joan had to deal with her HIV positive status. Tony didn’t want anything to do with the baby after she told him of what happened and even gave her money to terminate the pregnancy. They broke up and she went through her pregnancy and the first five months after her baby was born alone.

“One day when I had finally decided to move on and was clearing his things from the house I came across some papers. They were HIV CD4 results from mbagathi hospital that belonged to Tony and a woman who I later found out was his ex. The test results were dated two months before we met.” She says. “ I don’t even know what I felt after reading those results, all this time Tony knew he was HIV positive and went on ahead to get me pregnant.” The pain of betrayal and the fact that she didn’t really ask to see Tony’s physical results took a toll on her emotions. Joan was so angry she had to enlist the help of some members of her support group to help her work through her anger.

Joan’s story emphasizes the fact that nowadays, sex simply isn’t a safe activity. Even when one believes they are in an honest monogamous relationship with their partners, it’s advised to do everything in your power to protect yourself and assume total responsibility for your own sexual health.
Fear of rejection by our partners, make us give in and agree to unprotected sex. Most HIV+ people find it hard to disclose their status to their partners because of the stigma associated with disclosure so often times we believe ‘just this once wont hurt’ oblivious of the risks and dangers we put ourselves and our partners into.

Aside from sex with monogamous partners, there is the sex that gets to happen sooner than it should; before we get to know our partners properly.

Christine met a man sometime last year when she and her friends went out clubbing. “I bumped into him and spilled his drink which I later offered to replace.” She narrates.
“We ended up talking the whole night and exchanged phone numbers. I was so smitten by him and looked forward to when he would call.” She says.

Peter did call and they met a couple of times before they became intimate. They never had any discussion on sexual health in the two months they were together.
“The issue just never came up.” She says. “One Friday evening Peter started a baseless argument that ended up in a fight.” Christine says.
She decided to take sometime to cool off and didn’t call or meet Peter in a week. Then she started having an itch in her vaginal area.
“I ignored it for a while but after a day or two I had fever and therefore went to see a doctor.” She explains.
Tests revealed that she had syphilis. “I nearly passed out.” She says. She later got treatment and hasn’t ever seen Peter again.

Starting a new sexual relationship is tricky most of the times, this often makes it difficult to know how or when to ask or reveal the crucial things that need to be established.
Young people are usually more sexually active and considered high risk group to HIV.

“What young people don’t realize is that it’s not just HIV you are in dander of contracting but that there are other STI’s potentially in your lover’s body just waiting to get to you.” Nancy Kaharu a counselor at Gold Star Network says.
Nancy says that many young women are taking foolish risks by having unprotected intercourse. She attributes this to emotional issues. “When one isn’t confident about who they are, are feeling depressed or have issues like body image then they are vulnerable to doing things just to please their partners.

The challenge is when to bring up discussions about sexual health in a relationship. When is it safe to discuss and disclose ones HIV+ status to a potential partner? Nancy suggests that Communication should be encouraged from the first day in the relationship. She knows that people are uncomfortable to disclose their HIV+ status to their partners for fear of rejection but she insists that disclosure shows responsibility and basic honesty. You and your partner owe each other the opportunity to make a choice about the risks you will be taking during sex. Knowing your condition before hand doesn’t mean that intercourse is impossible.
“If you aren’t ready to talk about your status to someone then don’t get intimate with them.” She says

Nancy advises that couples should have “the sexual etiquette talk.” During ‘non sexual moments and should have it early on in the relationship.
“At that point when you are talking about what you do and who your friends and family are, this is when you should be discussing sex.” She says.
She reckons that sex is a beautiful thing but if not done right can be very dangerous.
So how does one initiate the sex discussion?
Nancy advises “when talking about HIV testing and condom use couples should concentrate on the future and not on the past.” Partners should focus on past infidelities but should in turn dwell on whether the current relationship has a future. If the relationship is promising then start STI, HIV and condom use discussions earlier on in the relationship. Make it a routine to go for tests and insist on seeing each others results. Most medical institutions now have provision for couples testing and counseling.

She adds that there is need to balance the sex talk.
“Don’t dwell on the dangers, talk about what you like, what you would like and how you want to try out new things. Men love that.” She laughs.

The youth especially young women are advised to be assertive about their sexual safety; even if this means losing your partner because you told them you’re HIV+ status or asked them to put on a condom.
Nancy says it’s all about self respect; if you care about yourself then you will insist that things happen well and safely for you.

ODE TO CAROLINE; YOUR LIGHT WILL BURN BRIGHT IN OUR HEARTS.

Some one once said, “A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope”.

This is exactly how I knew Caroline Masawa. She and I were from extreme ends of life, we were brought together by what we have in common. Our living with HIV and the work we did.
She helped me in so many ways I wouldn’t even be able to list them all.

She and I met when I was recovering from a huge life storm. I had nothing to my name and I totally needed good and true friends. She was my friend, she rejoiced with me, cried with me and stood by me in my disappointments. Was I a friend enough for her? I wonder.

She was there when I made very big changes to my life, Every time I faltered because I was scared of the outcome, she would ask me one question
“Florence where is your faith”
She nudged and encouraged me to write; go ahead and make updates on my blog, see if it will reach out to people. People she knew I so much needed to meet so as to create the change I yearned to create.
She listened to me talk about my fears, she shared hers as well, and she taught me forgiveness, how not to be so angry at life, she taught me how to pray, prayed with me whenever I asked her too. She introduced me to Joel Osteen and I was hooked. She taught me to love God again.


Carol taught me the meaning of love and forgiveness, she loved a man so much she forgave him even after his actions nearly cost her life last year. The last conversation she and I had, she was thinking of moving in with him and adopting a child because her health wouldn’t allow her to have one of her own.

She loved her church, forgave them and went back even after some people shunned her when she needed them most. She had a big heart.

She loved her job no matter what, never complained, worked though whatever ailment she had that day. She was dedicated to her work. To doing things right. She made integrity come to life. Wouldn’t compromise on her values; especially when helping the less fortunate.
For this, many people didn’t like her. Often, people always want someone they can push around or manipulate. She couldn’t be manipulated.

Her love for her job exposed her to dust; lots of dust and that made her sick. The dust coupled with bad judgment call saw us lose Caroline last Wednesday.

Joel Osteen in one of his sermons said
“When we hear the word "invest", we often think of investing in the stock market, in real estate, or for retirement. While it's good to invest that way, the truth is, those investments will eventually fade away. The best inheritance we can leave our children and others around us is what we invested in them, not what we left for them.”

Carol invested a lot in me and I in turn have spread this goodness to lots of other people; that is how I know her light will continue burning bright in our hearts.

REST IN PEACE CAROL MASAWA!

WORLD AIDS DAY

“Started in 1988, World AIDS Day is not just about raising money, but also about increasing awareness, fighting prejudice and improving education. World AIDS Day is important in reminding people that HIV has not gone away, and that there are many things still to be done.” ~avert.org, 2006


Tomorrow is World AIDS day. It is again that time of the year when HIV&AIDS is the talk on everyone’s lips. A good thing if you ask me because the more people talk about 'something' the more they stop being afraid of it, the more they stop being afraid of it, the more knowledge they get about it and the more knowledge they have then the more powerful they are to deal with the ‘something’.

As the Government, Civil Society Organizations, stakeholders and everyone in the country and indeed the world prepares to mark this day, we shouldn’t forget the great strides that we have come in the response to HIV&AIDS pandemic.

We have so much to be grateful for; The country is tolerant to issues around HIV and AIDS and more are heeding to the call to test for HIV. There is an increase in Condom uptake showing people are protecting themselves, there is involvement from every sector; religious, workplace, schools and informal sectors to respond to HIV&AIDS issues. There is a marked reduction of stigma and discrimination of people living with HIV and above all, there is an information and health service available to improve and maintain ones quality of life.

I know most of us are wondering what they can do on this day, it’s a Tuesday and maybe we may be at work and wont be able to join in the activities that will take place around the country tomorrow. However, here are some of the things you could do tomorrow, this week or for the next couple of weeks.


• You can wear the Red Ribbon. The red ribbon is worn to show care and concern about HIV and to remind others of their need to support activities on HIV&AIDS.

• Read something about HIV&AIDS. Try to find out one thing that you didn’t know either online, or by asking your doctor or friend. There is a lot of peer education work going on in the country and most of us have knowledge about HIV&AIDS that would shock doctors. Seeking information just makes you learn one or two more things that could make you or your partner or friend live a better life.

• You can reach out in understanding to someone that you know is living with HIV and could use a friend. Talk to them, tell them that you care. This is a difficult week for most of us and we all could do with a pal who would just…well, listen.

• You and your friends can spend a day in one of the homes for orphans nearest to you. HIV&AIDS accounts for the highest number of orphans

• Go for a HIV test. This is the only sure way for one to know if they have HIV or not and to live a better and healthy life. This is also the only sure way of reducing new and secondary infections of HIV.

If you have sometime; please join in and participate in any activity nearer to you and learn.

What's 'ATT' got to do with it?

Your attitude is an expression of your values, beliefs and expectations.

Brian Tracy.

ATTITUDE- A complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways.

Today a couple of weeks ago, we buried Patricia.She would have turned 26 on Saturday. Her death was so sudden it left most of us confused and panicking. You know, living with this virus forever makes you on the lookout for things that will make you sick.
Some people become obsessed with their health so much just in the hope that if they do so, they will be able to go through the year with as little drama as possible.

I was just checking in at the airport when I got ‘the call’. At first because I was busy ensuring everything gets on board I didn’t think much about it. Reality sank in when we took off. I couldn’t understand why she died so fast. It wasn’t even about her, I guess I was scared at the fact that it is possible for someone to go down that fast.

About two weeks before her death, a friend told me she was sick and was hospitalized.
“I am scared Flo,” she said.
“Why? What’s wrong with her” I asked surprised.
“Her kidneys collapsed” Catherine said
“Everyone seems to be dying this year.” She explained. Catherine had been sick most of last year and has never fully recovered. She keeps being admitted in hospital for various complications and seeing people go to hospital and not come out alive wasn’t helping.
“You will be fine, Patricia will be fine” I insisted. “We can’t have anymore people dying this year; I don’t think I can take it.” I tried to reassure her.

I was so scared as much as I didn’t want Catherine to know. The following day and for a bout a week afterwards all I did was Google Kidney/renal failure in relation to HIV. I just realized there is a lot about this virus I don’t know about. I tried to ask her friends if they knew of anything that she may have done wrong but no one seems to know.

A number of us called each other and picked on a date to go see her at the hospital. I couldn’t get out of work at lunch time to go with them. So because i dread being in hospitals alone, I called a dear friend to take me.

We got to the Hospital at around 4.30pm and were led to the High dependency Unit wards. I kept telling myself “it can’t be that bad.”
Nothing prepared me for what I saw. Patricia looked different; no one would believe she is the girl I bumped into in town just a month before. She was swollen all over with tubes sticking in and out of her hands and mouth. She just managed to say a weak hallo before the nurses asked us to give them time to give her medicine.

I got back to the office and kept reading and prying before I found out that Patricia had refused to start her ARV’s despite various doctors advising her to do so since 2007. I couldn’t believe it. Something she said to me last year quickly came to mind. We were doing an interview for one of the local dailies and it was about the challenges of young people living with HIV. She was being featured as one of the people who have never disclosed their status to anyone, family or friends and I was the loud mouth as usual. When the reporter asked her why she found it hard to talk about her status which she knew about when she was in 1st year of college.
“HIV has always been a disease for immoral and poor people, I can’t bring myself to accept that I have it because I am not those things.” (Immoral or poor)She said.

I understood a lot of things about her that day. Like why she never came to our support group meetings, why she didn’t talk about her status even at work where the majority lived openly with the virus and why she was always keeping to herself.

What I didn’t realize though was how much her attitude affected her health. I was angry, I couldn’t believe it could go this far.
Patricia worked in an organization where HIV talk was normal, sat about 50metres from a clinic, could have gotten referrals to the best doctors if she needed it but what stood in her way was her attitude towards HIV.
There are people who would only dream of such privileges. There are people who still have no access to medication and they lose their lives for it. She had everything including a number of doctors pleading with her to start medication but for one reason or another she felt it wasn’t important.

I hear a lot of confessions from people who will not cut down on their smoking or binge drinking because they are scared of what their friends will say. Or people who won’t start their ARV’s because they don’t want to deal with its side effects. Or people who continue to put their lives and the lives of others at risk because they don’t want to ‘lose’ them and be alone when they disclose their status.

All these are attitudes. Things we can change. I am not for people raising banners and screaming ‘I HAVE HIV’, but it doesn’t mean that in your silence you can’t reach out for help that you need to enable you live a long, healthy and productive life.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “Your mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission.”

RESURFACE

“Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer.”Leonardo Da Vinci.


Time does fly fast. When i decided to take a break from this place, i had no idea i would stay away this long.
I tried a number of times to write but, everything i wrote had a bad taste to it.Today i resurface.
I missed this spot, so did lots of guys judging by the emails and nudges i got from people to post.

So what have i been up to? lots of stuff which shall be covered in my other post. But for today, let me sum up the updates into five key areas of my life.

HEALTH.
Because of the nature of condition i am living with, this should take center stage right? I score the least in this area. I have totally been mean to myself. I haven't gone to clinic for check ups since my last in January. I have no reason valid enough to hold water so i will not give one.
No reports on my new CD4 or anything. I have people on my back about this since i confessed it last month. I gave my word that i will see a doctor before my birthday in November. Lets see how that goes.

WORK
New job, totally new environment. I am in love with my job. From the look of things, i am going to have lots of fun with it. I still work in an HIV&AIDS program but this time my focus is on workplace. I leave jeans and t-shirts and don suits and heels. no more advocacy workshops, i am mostly found in boardrooms and cocktail meetings now oh and the travel! I meet new people every week.Totally cool.
I was scared at first of the change this will bring to my life, but looks like i am handling this well seeing as my buddies still like me.

FAMILY.
We got an additional family member into my house. I adopted a 21year old girl who was kicked out of her home because of her status. That makes 3, the number of adult girls in my house. Total fun, i don't cook and i don't clean.
I am an aunt! My sis got us a baby girl so cute i want another one of my own.
My son is fine and a small man now. I got brave and took him to Boarding school where his teachers call to him as 'mama's boy'. I think i should cut down the number of phone calls i make to the school to check how well he is doing. He seems to have taken up to the school so well which is quite a relief.

FRIENDS
I haven't lost any friends due to stigma, that hasn't happened in a while. I have lost four to death so far. This year, i have made the most number of friends. This is the area of my life that scores the highest. i am truly favored, i have people who i genuinely care about and who genuinely care about me too.
My three friends from campus and i recently celebrated 10years of our friendship. I can't believe how fast time flies. We are doing everything to ensure we meet at least once a month to catch up. Some friendships are worth working on.

BOYS
Nothing much to write home about. 'I have been busy' is the true reason though this looks like an overused excuse. Well, i will attribute my lack of boy reports to two things.
First i have been too sober most of this year to get laid. Once sober i will think through and notice lots of things about a guy until i find something that puts me off. I have been drinking lots of juice, coffee, lattes and Alvaro and hanging out in areas that don't honestly guarantee i shall pic a guy for the road.
Second, my shrink(yes i finally got one) openly disclosed her disapproval at my 'friends with benefits' idea of relationships with men.
She reckons, that the reason i would be doing that is because i have an esteem problem that i should sort out.
So i took sometime off to find out why sexual relations without any form of attachment appeal to me so much.
This goes hand in hand with the male drama i seem to be attracting into my life.
So now, no more drunken nights with guys who i don't give a rats ass about. let's see how that goes.

I have been going through a period i am yet to define. My shrink calls it'Emotional fatigue'. Apparently my listening to so many people open up about their lives problems and issues did take a toll in my own especially seeing as i wasn't getting help for it.

So i became withdrawn and moody, and fed up of being HIV positive. I now understand why people would want to go on a drug holiday. Living with this virus can be exhausting sometime.
The break idea was the best. I come back to this life knowing their is no where i am going to run to, HIV is here to stay and the people who have it and need my help will not end. I will remember this lesson most.
I need care just as much as anyone else living with this condition does.