"Live each season as it passes, breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." Henry David Thoreau
This was one hell of a year! I am proud to report that all of the key things had planned to do are off my check list. Totally proud of me.
I didn’t think it would happen but it all did go down well.
Most importantly I have learned a number of life lessons this year. Let me share some of them.
Treatment Fatigue.
I have learned that no matter how good you are at keeping rules and regulations handed down by the doctor, that sometimes after one has lived with this virus for a while, made visits to the clinic, taken their Septrin, used a condom every time they have sex and all the other long list of Do’s and don’ts that we get handed down by the doctors. One can get tired of it all.
Yeah, I got tired of being HIV positive this year. I missed my clinic for most of the year and no matter how much the social worker at the hospital called me to go in for a meeting, I just didn’t.
Well, after a well deserved break; I am back to clinic, with a doctor I like. Took my CD4 test before my birthday as promised and the results? 753. My doc thinks I need to be tested again to check if I have the virus he he he.
God’s Angels.
Forget the drawings of white people in white robes and wings you saw in your Sunday school. Angels aren’t somewhere flying around in heaven singing “Haleluya”.
Angels are right here, in everyday life. Every year my sis Debs and i make a point of counting how many Angels God sends us.
This year I have so many the list is crazy. From people who I met a week prior to my resignation from my old job and who lined up jobs for me to do enabling me to make through to my next job, from friends who made calls when I was going through a certain breakup in February; to friends who offered physical, emotional and sometimes financial help when I needed it, to a special friend who showed me in every practical way that I don’t have to hang out in a bar with a guy to have fun.
This year, these angels have touched my life in so many ways and in a big way, changed it. I am a different person. And I am falling in love with this new me.
Any woman can be any woman’s friend.
I know this sounds cheesy but it’s true. Well at the beginning of this year, I was in the middle of counseling some girl who was getting a lot of stress from some man in her life. The moment she mentions his name and where he works I find out it’s the guy I was seeing.
I went into complete shock. This was worse than Shiko of Easy Fm, busting her own boyfriend sometime last year. Well, I didn’t know what to say, she was stressed to tears. I couldn’t add to her stress. I recovered from the shock to hear the part of her story where she paid the guy lots of money to be in the relationship.
On a serious note that hit hard. I couldn’t believe that a man I liked, who took care of me so well had to get paid for ‘it’.
Well, you can call me whatever you want, strong, insane, weird….. whatever you like but I decided to help this woman get her self esteem. I mean why the hell would she pay up for love or sex or whatever? As we speak, we are best of friends. We talk everyday, I count her as one of the angels I met this year.
I wonder what would have happened if I had gone wild and started a fight. Hmmm i wonder!!
Faith can move mountains.
At the beginning of this year, top on my checklist was the fact that I needed to get out of my old job. It wasn’t giving me any of the growth I wanted anymore. I wanted something new, something better.
Most of my friends kept telling me to look for another job before I quit. I for a moment there I believed that was the best thing to do. Well things back at work moved from bad to worse and one morning I woke up, went to the office, cleared my desk and came home. I took a step of faith, I didn’t know where I was going to or what I was going to do but I left anyway.
Looking back, this is the best decision I made this year. A day later I was off to Mombasa for my first assignment as a consultant, 4 months later I got my new job. You can be whatever you want to be, you just have to have faith and take the step.
Martin Luther King Jnr once said, “You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”
Trust me, you will get there.
Gratitude gets you more.
You will not get anywhere complaining or being stressed about something or everything. If for every 10 minutes you take a whole minute to be grateful for just one thing that you have or has happened then your attitude about life would change. You would be more cheerful and fun to be around, then people would want to be around you and before you know it, everything will be going well for you. Be grateful for life; be grateful for family and friends around you , be grateful for the food you eat, for your job, for even the smallest thing like getting to work on time because believe me, somewhere not far from you, someone doesn’t have what you have. That is what makes life worth living.
This is the best lesson to take into 2010.
To my friends and relatives new and old who have been with me through out the year; Thank you so much! To those of you that I haven’t met but keep writing me emails because this blog has an impact on you, Thank you too. You are the reason I keep writing. To those who read, learn something and try to be better people or educate someone, thank you as well, because then the chain of ‘good’ keeps getting longer.
Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones. Happy 2010 full of blessings and beauty!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
SEXUAL HEALTH ETIQUETTE
"If you do not have it in you to deal with the consequences of SEX then please ABSTAIN"
Joan (24) knew she had met the man of her dreams when she met Tony four years ago. “We met at a friend’s party and agreed to meet the following day for coffee.” Joan says. “We used a condom every time we got intimate.” She goes on.
After dating for about seven months they decided to move in together. They decided go to the Voluntary Counseling and Testing center(VCT) where they both tested negative for the virus and asked to come back three months later. They tested negative again.
“We were so happy we didn’t have to use a condom from then on.”
“I got pregnant six months later and was over the moon.” She says. “Tony was so happy he was talking of moving to a bigger house, and introduced me to his mother.” She narrates.
When Joan went to her hospital for her first prenatal clinic, she didn’t believe what the nurses had to tell her. “The nurse called me into this room and told me I was HIV positive, I laughed at her. She says. “I was definitely sure she had the results mixed up, I knew I was faithful to Tony, I never believed he was an angel but I just didn’t think he would be stupid not to use protection.” She says.
When the shock wore off and reality finally set in Joan had to deal with her HIV positive status. Tony didn’t want anything to do with the baby after she told him of what happened and even gave her money to terminate the pregnancy. They broke up and she went through her pregnancy and the first five months after her baby was born alone.
“One day when I had finally decided to move on and was clearing his things from the house I came across some papers. They were HIV CD4 results from mbagathi hospital that belonged to Tony and a woman who I later found out was his ex. The test results were dated two months before we met.” She says. “ I don’t even know what I felt after reading those results, all this time Tony knew he was HIV positive and went on ahead to get me pregnant.” The pain of betrayal and the fact that she didn’t really ask to see Tony’s physical results took a toll on her emotions. Joan was so angry she had to enlist the help of some members of her support group to help her work through her anger.
Joan’s story emphasizes the fact that nowadays, sex simply isn’t a safe activity. Even when one believes they are in an honest monogamous relationship with their partners, it’s advised to do everything in your power to protect yourself and assume total responsibility for your own sexual health.
Fear of rejection by our partners, make us give in and agree to unprotected sex. Most HIV+ people find it hard to disclose their status to their partners because of the stigma associated with disclosure so often times we believe ‘just this once wont hurt’ oblivious of the risks and dangers we put ourselves and our partners into.
Aside from sex with monogamous partners, there is the sex that gets to happen sooner than it should; before we get to know our partners properly.
Christine met a man sometime last year when she and her friends went out clubbing. “I bumped into him and spilled his drink which I later offered to replace.” She narrates.
“We ended up talking the whole night and exchanged phone numbers. I was so smitten by him and looked forward to when he would call.” She says.
Peter did call and they met a couple of times before they became intimate. They never had any discussion on sexual health in the two months they were together.
“The issue just never came up.” She says. “One Friday evening Peter started a baseless argument that ended up in a fight.” Christine says.
She decided to take sometime to cool off and didn’t call or meet Peter in a week. Then she started having an itch in her vaginal area.
“I ignored it for a while but after a day or two I had fever and therefore went to see a doctor.” She explains.
Tests revealed that she had syphilis. “I nearly passed out.” She says. She later got treatment and hasn’t ever seen Peter again.
Starting a new sexual relationship is tricky most of the times, this often makes it difficult to know how or when to ask or reveal the crucial things that need to be established.
Young people are usually more sexually active and considered high risk group to HIV.
“What young people don’t realize is that it’s not just HIV you are in dander of contracting but that there are other STI’s potentially in your lover’s body just waiting to get to you.” Nancy Kaharu a counselor at Gold Star Network says.
Nancy says that many young women are taking foolish risks by having unprotected intercourse. She attributes this to emotional issues. “When one isn’t confident about who they are, are feeling depressed or have issues like body image then they are vulnerable to doing things just to please their partners.
The challenge is when to bring up discussions about sexual health in a relationship. When is it safe to discuss and disclose ones HIV+ status to a potential partner? Nancy suggests that Communication should be encouraged from the first day in the relationship. She knows that people are uncomfortable to disclose their HIV+ status to their partners for fear of rejection but she insists that disclosure shows responsibility and basic honesty. You and your partner owe each other the opportunity to make a choice about the risks you will be taking during sex. Knowing your condition before hand doesn’t mean that intercourse is impossible.
“If you aren’t ready to talk about your status to someone then don’t get intimate with them.” She says
Nancy advises that couples should have “the sexual etiquette talk.” During ‘non sexual moments and should have it early on in the relationship.
“At that point when you are talking about what you do and who your friends and family are, this is when you should be discussing sex.” She says.
She reckons that sex is a beautiful thing but if not done right can be very dangerous.
So how does one initiate the sex discussion?
Nancy advises “when talking about HIV testing and condom use couples should concentrate on the future and not on the past.” Partners should focus on past infidelities but should in turn dwell on whether the current relationship has a future. If the relationship is promising then start STI, HIV and condom use discussions earlier on in the relationship. Make it a routine to go for tests and insist on seeing each others results. Most medical institutions now have provision for couples testing and counseling.
She adds that there is need to balance the sex talk.
“Don’t dwell on the dangers, talk about what you like, what you would like and how you want to try out new things. Men love that.” She laughs.
The youth especially young women are advised to be assertive about their sexual safety; even if this means losing your partner because you told them you’re HIV+ status or asked them to put on a condom.
Nancy says it’s all about self respect; if you care about yourself then you will insist that things happen well and safely for you.
Joan (24) knew she had met the man of her dreams when she met Tony four years ago. “We met at a friend’s party and agreed to meet the following day for coffee.” Joan says. “We used a condom every time we got intimate.” She goes on.
After dating for about seven months they decided to move in together. They decided go to the Voluntary Counseling and Testing center(VCT) where they both tested negative for the virus and asked to come back three months later. They tested negative again.
“We were so happy we didn’t have to use a condom from then on.”
“I got pregnant six months later and was over the moon.” She says. “Tony was so happy he was talking of moving to a bigger house, and introduced me to his mother.” She narrates.
When Joan went to her hospital for her first prenatal clinic, she didn’t believe what the nurses had to tell her. “The nurse called me into this room and told me I was HIV positive, I laughed at her. She says. “I was definitely sure she had the results mixed up, I knew I was faithful to Tony, I never believed he was an angel but I just didn’t think he would be stupid not to use protection.” She says.
When the shock wore off and reality finally set in Joan had to deal with her HIV positive status. Tony didn’t want anything to do with the baby after she told him of what happened and even gave her money to terminate the pregnancy. They broke up and she went through her pregnancy and the first five months after her baby was born alone.
“One day when I had finally decided to move on and was clearing his things from the house I came across some papers. They were HIV CD4 results from mbagathi hospital that belonged to Tony and a woman who I later found out was his ex. The test results were dated two months before we met.” She says. “ I don’t even know what I felt after reading those results, all this time Tony knew he was HIV positive and went on ahead to get me pregnant.” The pain of betrayal and the fact that she didn’t really ask to see Tony’s physical results took a toll on her emotions. Joan was so angry she had to enlist the help of some members of her support group to help her work through her anger.
Joan’s story emphasizes the fact that nowadays, sex simply isn’t a safe activity. Even when one believes they are in an honest monogamous relationship with their partners, it’s advised to do everything in your power to protect yourself and assume total responsibility for your own sexual health.
Fear of rejection by our partners, make us give in and agree to unprotected sex. Most HIV+ people find it hard to disclose their status to their partners because of the stigma associated with disclosure so often times we believe ‘just this once wont hurt’ oblivious of the risks and dangers we put ourselves and our partners into.
Aside from sex with monogamous partners, there is the sex that gets to happen sooner than it should; before we get to know our partners properly.
Christine met a man sometime last year when she and her friends went out clubbing. “I bumped into him and spilled his drink which I later offered to replace.” She narrates.
“We ended up talking the whole night and exchanged phone numbers. I was so smitten by him and looked forward to when he would call.” She says.
Peter did call and they met a couple of times before they became intimate. They never had any discussion on sexual health in the two months they were together.
“The issue just never came up.” She says. “One Friday evening Peter started a baseless argument that ended up in a fight.” Christine says.
She decided to take sometime to cool off and didn’t call or meet Peter in a week. Then she started having an itch in her vaginal area.
“I ignored it for a while but after a day or two I had fever and therefore went to see a doctor.” She explains.
Tests revealed that she had syphilis. “I nearly passed out.” She says. She later got treatment and hasn’t ever seen Peter again.
Starting a new sexual relationship is tricky most of the times, this often makes it difficult to know how or when to ask or reveal the crucial things that need to be established.
Young people are usually more sexually active and considered high risk group to HIV.
“What young people don’t realize is that it’s not just HIV you are in dander of contracting but that there are other STI’s potentially in your lover’s body just waiting to get to you.” Nancy Kaharu a counselor at Gold Star Network says.
Nancy says that many young women are taking foolish risks by having unprotected intercourse. She attributes this to emotional issues. “When one isn’t confident about who they are, are feeling depressed or have issues like body image then they are vulnerable to doing things just to please their partners.
The challenge is when to bring up discussions about sexual health in a relationship. When is it safe to discuss and disclose ones HIV+ status to a potential partner? Nancy suggests that Communication should be encouraged from the first day in the relationship. She knows that people are uncomfortable to disclose their HIV+ status to their partners for fear of rejection but she insists that disclosure shows responsibility and basic honesty. You and your partner owe each other the opportunity to make a choice about the risks you will be taking during sex. Knowing your condition before hand doesn’t mean that intercourse is impossible.
“If you aren’t ready to talk about your status to someone then don’t get intimate with them.” She says
Nancy advises that couples should have “the sexual etiquette talk.” During ‘non sexual moments and should have it early on in the relationship.
“At that point when you are talking about what you do and who your friends and family are, this is when you should be discussing sex.” She says.
She reckons that sex is a beautiful thing but if not done right can be very dangerous.
So how does one initiate the sex discussion?
Nancy advises “when talking about HIV testing and condom use couples should concentrate on the future and not on the past.” Partners should focus on past infidelities but should in turn dwell on whether the current relationship has a future. If the relationship is promising then start STI, HIV and condom use discussions earlier on in the relationship. Make it a routine to go for tests and insist on seeing each others results. Most medical institutions now have provision for couples testing and counseling.
She adds that there is need to balance the sex talk.
“Don’t dwell on the dangers, talk about what you like, what you would like and how you want to try out new things. Men love that.” She laughs.
The youth especially young women are advised to be assertive about their sexual safety; even if this means losing your partner because you told them you’re HIV+ status or asked them to put on a condom.
Nancy says it’s all about self respect; if you care about yourself then you will insist that things happen well and safely for you.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
ODE TO CAROLINE; YOUR LIGHT WILL BURN BRIGHT IN OUR HEARTS.
Some one once said, “A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope”.
This is exactly how I knew Caroline Masawa. She and I were from extreme ends of life, we were brought together by what we have in common. Our living with HIV and the work we did.
She helped me in so many ways I wouldn’t even be able to list them all.
She and I met when I was recovering from a huge life storm. I had nothing to my name and I totally needed good and true friends. She was my friend, she rejoiced with me, cried with me and stood by me in my disappointments. Was I a friend enough for her? I wonder.
She was there when I made very big changes to my life, Every time I faltered because I was scared of the outcome, she would ask me one question
“Florence where is your faith”
She nudged and encouraged me to write; go ahead and make updates on my blog, see if it will reach out to people. People she knew I so much needed to meet so as to create the change I yearned to create.
She listened to me talk about my fears, she shared hers as well, and she taught me forgiveness, how not to be so angry at life, she taught me how to pray, prayed with me whenever I asked her too. She introduced me to Joel Osteen and I was hooked. She taught me to love God again.
Carol taught me the meaning of love and forgiveness, she loved a man so much she forgave him even after his actions nearly cost her life last year. The last conversation she and I had, she was thinking of moving in with him and adopting a child because her health wouldn’t allow her to have one of her own.
She loved her church, forgave them and went back even after some people shunned her when she needed them most. She had a big heart.
She loved her job no matter what, never complained, worked though whatever ailment she had that day. She was dedicated to her work. To doing things right. She made integrity come to life. Wouldn’t compromise on her values; especially when helping the less fortunate.
For this, many people didn’t like her. Often, people always want someone they can push around or manipulate. She couldn’t be manipulated.
Her love for her job exposed her to dust; lots of dust and that made her sick. The dust coupled with bad judgment call saw us lose Caroline last Wednesday.
Joel Osteen in one of his sermons said
“When we hear the word "invest", we often think of investing in the stock market, in real estate, or for retirement. While it's good to invest that way, the truth is, those investments will eventually fade away. The best inheritance we can leave our children and others around us is what we invested in them, not what we left for them.”
Carol invested a lot in me and I in turn have spread this goodness to lots of other people; that is how I know her light will continue burning bright in our hearts.
REST IN PEACE CAROL MASAWA!
This is exactly how I knew Caroline Masawa. She and I were from extreme ends of life, we were brought together by what we have in common. Our living with HIV and the work we did.
She helped me in so many ways I wouldn’t even be able to list them all.
She and I met when I was recovering from a huge life storm. I had nothing to my name and I totally needed good and true friends. She was my friend, she rejoiced with me, cried with me and stood by me in my disappointments. Was I a friend enough for her? I wonder.
She was there when I made very big changes to my life, Every time I faltered because I was scared of the outcome, she would ask me one question
“Florence where is your faith”
She nudged and encouraged me to write; go ahead and make updates on my blog, see if it will reach out to people. People she knew I so much needed to meet so as to create the change I yearned to create.
She listened to me talk about my fears, she shared hers as well, and she taught me forgiveness, how not to be so angry at life, she taught me how to pray, prayed with me whenever I asked her too. She introduced me to Joel Osteen and I was hooked. She taught me to love God again.
Carol taught me the meaning of love and forgiveness, she loved a man so much she forgave him even after his actions nearly cost her life last year. The last conversation she and I had, she was thinking of moving in with him and adopting a child because her health wouldn’t allow her to have one of her own.
She loved her church, forgave them and went back even after some people shunned her when she needed them most. She had a big heart.
She loved her job no matter what, never complained, worked though whatever ailment she had that day. She was dedicated to her work. To doing things right. She made integrity come to life. Wouldn’t compromise on her values; especially when helping the less fortunate.
For this, many people didn’t like her. Often, people always want someone they can push around or manipulate. She couldn’t be manipulated.
Her love for her job exposed her to dust; lots of dust and that made her sick. The dust coupled with bad judgment call saw us lose Caroline last Wednesday.
Joel Osteen in one of his sermons said
“When we hear the word "invest", we often think of investing in the stock market, in real estate, or for retirement. While it's good to invest that way, the truth is, those investments will eventually fade away. The best inheritance we can leave our children and others around us is what we invested in them, not what we left for them.”
Carol invested a lot in me and I in turn have spread this goodness to lots of other people; that is how I know her light will continue burning bright in our hearts.
REST IN PEACE CAROL MASAWA!
Monday, November 30, 2009
WORLD AIDS DAY
“Started in 1988, World AIDS Day is not just about raising money, but also about increasing awareness, fighting prejudice and improving education. World AIDS Day is important in reminding people that HIV has not gone away, and that there are many things still to be done.” ~avert.org, 2006
Tomorrow is World AIDS day. It is again that time of the year when HIV&AIDS is the talk on everyone’s lips. A good thing if you ask me because the more people talk about 'something' the more they stop being afraid of it, the more they stop being afraid of it, the more knowledge they get about it and the more knowledge they have then the more powerful they are to deal with the ‘something’.
As the Government, Civil Society Organizations, stakeholders and everyone in the country and indeed the world prepares to mark this day, we shouldn’t forget the great strides that we have come in the response to HIV&AIDS pandemic.
We have so much to be grateful for; The country is tolerant to issues around HIV and AIDS and more are heeding to the call to test for HIV. There is an increase in Condom uptake showing people are protecting themselves, there is involvement from every sector; religious, workplace, schools and informal sectors to respond to HIV&AIDS issues. There is a marked reduction of stigma and discrimination of people living with HIV and above all, there is an information and health service available to improve and maintain ones quality of life.
I know most of us are wondering what they can do on this day, it’s a Tuesday and maybe we may be at work and wont be able to join in the activities that will take place around the country tomorrow. However, here are some of the things you could do tomorrow, this week or for the next couple of weeks.
• You can wear the Red Ribbon. The red ribbon is worn to show care and concern about HIV and to remind others of their need to support activities on HIV&AIDS.
• Read something about HIV&AIDS. Try to find out one thing that you didn’t know either online, or by asking your doctor or friend. There is a lot of peer education work going on in the country and most of us have knowledge about HIV&AIDS that would shock doctors. Seeking information just makes you learn one or two more things that could make you or your partner or friend live a better life.
• You can reach out in understanding to someone that you know is living with HIV and could use a friend. Talk to them, tell them that you care. This is a difficult week for most of us and we all could do with a pal who would just…well, listen.
• You and your friends can spend a day in one of the homes for orphans nearest to you. HIV&AIDS accounts for the highest number of orphans
• Go for a HIV test. This is the only sure way for one to know if they have HIV or not and to live a better and healthy life. This is also the only sure way of reducing new and secondary infections of HIV.
If you have sometime; please join in and participate in any activity nearer to you and learn.
Tomorrow is World AIDS day. It is again that time of the year when HIV&AIDS is the talk on everyone’s lips. A good thing if you ask me because the more people talk about 'something' the more they stop being afraid of it, the more they stop being afraid of it, the more knowledge they get about it and the more knowledge they have then the more powerful they are to deal with the ‘something’.
As the Government, Civil Society Organizations, stakeholders and everyone in the country and indeed the world prepares to mark this day, we shouldn’t forget the great strides that we have come in the response to HIV&AIDS pandemic.
We have so much to be grateful for; The country is tolerant to issues around HIV and AIDS and more are heeding to the call to test for HIV. There is an increase in Condom uptake showing people are protecting themselves, there is involvement from every sector; religious, workplace, schools and informal sectors to respond to HIV&AIDS issues. There is a marked reduction of stigma and discrimination of people living with HIV and above all, there is an information and health service available to improve and maintain ones quality of life.
I know most of us are wondering what they can do on this day, it’s a Tuesday and maybe we may be at work and wont be able to join in the activities that will take place around the country tomorrow. However, here are some of the things you could do tomorrow, this week or for the next couple of weeks.
• You can wear the Red Ribbon. The red ribbon is worn to show care and concern about HIV and to remind others of their need to support activities on HIV&AIDS.
• Read something about HIV&AIDS. Try to find out one thing that you didn’t know either online, or by asking your doctor or friend. There is a lot of peer education work going on in the country and most of us have knowledge about HIV&AIDS that would shock doctors. Seeking information just makes you learn one or two more things that could make you or your partner or friend live a better life.
• You can reach out in understanding to someone that you know is living with HIV and could use a friend. Talk to them, tell them that you care. This is a difficult week for most of us and we all could do with a pal who would just…well, listen.
• You and your friends can spend a day in one of the homes for orphans nearest to you. HIV&AIDS accounts for the highest number of orphans
• Go for a HIV test. This is the only sure way for one to know if they have HIV or not and to live a better and healthy life. This is also the only sure way of reducing new and secondary infections of HIV.
If you have sometime; please join in and participate in any activity nearer to you and learn.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
What's 'ATT' got to do with it?
Your attitude is an expression of your values, beliefs and expectations. Brian Tracy.
ATTITUDE- A complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways.
Today a couple of weeks ago, we buried Patricia.She would have turned 26 on Saturday. Her death was so sudden it left most of us confused and panicking. You know, living with this virus forever makes you on the lookout for things that will make you sick.
Some people become obsessed with their health so much just in the hope that if they do so, they will be able to go through the year with as little drama as possible.
I was just checking in at the airport when I got ‘the call’. At first because I was busy ensuring everything gets on board I didn’t think much about it. Reality sank in when we took off. I couldn’t understand why she died so fast. It wasn’t even about her, I guess I was scared at the fact that it is possible for someone to go down that fast.
About two weeks before her death, a friend told me she was sick and was hospitalized.
“I am scared Flo,” she said.
“Why? What’s wrong with her” I asked surprised.
“Her kidneys collapsed” Catherine said
“Everyone seems to be dying this year.” She explained. Catherine had been sick most of last year and has never fully recovered. She keeps being admitted in hospital for various complications and seeing people go to hospital and not come out alive wasn’t helping.
“You will be fine, Patricia will be fine” I insisted. “We can’t have anymore people dying this year; I don’t think I can take it.” I tried to reassure her.
I was so scared as much as I didn’t want Catherine to know. The following day and for a bout a week afterwards all I did was Google Kidney/renal failure in relation to HIV. I just realized there is a lot about this virus I don’t know about. I tried to ask her friends if they knew of anything that she may have done wrong but no one seems to know.
A number of us called each other and picked on a date to go see her at the hospital. I couldn’t get out of work at lunch time to go with them. So because i dread being in hospitals alone, I called a dear friend to take me.
We got to the Hospital at around 4.30pm and were led to the High dependency Unit wards. I kept telling myself “it can’t be that bad.”
Nothing prepared me for what I saw. Patricia looked different; no one would believe she is the girl I bumped into in town just a month before. She was swollen all over with tubes sticking in and out of her hands and mouth. She just managed to say a weak hallo before the nurses asked us to give them time to give her medicine.
I got back to the office and kept reading and prying before I found out that Patricia had refused to start her ARV’s despite various doctors advising her to do so since 2007. I couldn’t believe it. Something she said to me last year quickly came to mind. We were doing an interview for one of the local dailies and it was about the challenges of young people living with HIV. She was being featured as one of the people who have never disclosed their status to anyone, family or friends and I was the loud mouth as usual. When the reporter asked her why she found it hard to talk about her status which she knew about when she was in 1st year of college.
“HIV has always been a disease for immoral and poor people, I can’t bring myself to accept that I have it because I am not those things.” (Immoral or poor)She said.
I understood a lot of things about her that day. Like why she never came to our support group meetings, why she didn’t talk about her status even at work where the majority lived openly with the virus and why she was always keeping to herself.
What I didn’t realize though was how much her attitude affected her health. I was angry, I couldn’t believe it could go this far.
Patricia worked in an organization where HIV talk was normal, sat about 50metres from a clinic, could have gotten referrals to the best doctors if she needed it but what stood in her way was her attitude towards HIV.
There are people who would only dream of such privileges. There are people who still have no access to medication and they lose their lives for it. She had everything including a number of doctors pleading with her to start medication but for one reason or another she felt it wasn’t important.
I hear a lot of confessions from people who will not cut down on their smoking or binge drinking because they are scared of what their friends will say. Or people who won’t start their ARV’s because they don’t want to deal with its side effects. Or people who continue to put their lives and the lives of others at risk because they don’t want to ‘lose’ them and be alone when they disclose their status.
All these are attitudes. Things we can change. I am not for people raising banners and screaming ‘I HAVE HIV’, but it doesn’t mean that in your silence you can’t reach out for help that you need to enable you live a long, healthy and productive life.
Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “Your mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission.”
ATTITUDE- A complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways.
Today a couple of weeks ago, we buried Patricia.She would have turned 26 on Saturday. Her death was so sudden it left most of us confused and panicking. You know, living with this virus forever makes you on the lookout for things that will make you sick.
Some people become obsessed with their health so much just in the hope that if they do so, they will be able to go through the year with as little drama as possible.
I was just checking in at the airport when I got ‘the call’. At first because I was busy ensuring everything gets on board I didn’t think much about it. Reality sank in when we took off. I couldn’t understand why she died so fast. It wasn’t even about her, I guess I was scared at the fact that it is possible for someone to go down that fast.
About two weeks before her death, a friend told me she was sick and was hospitalized.
“I am scared Flo,” she said.
“Why? What’s wrong with her” I asked surprised.
“Her kidneys collapsed” Catherine said
“Everyone seems to be dying this year.” She explained. Catherine had been sick most of last year and has never fully recovered. She keeps being admitted in hospital for various complications and seeing people go to hospital and not come out alive wasn’t helping.
“You will be fine, Patricia will be fine” I insisted. “We can’t have anymore people dying this year; I don’t think I can take it.” I tried to reassure her.
I was so scared as much as I didn’t want Catherine to know. The following day and for a bout a week afterwards all I did was Google Kidney/renal failure in relation to HIV. I just realized there is a lot about this virus I don’t know about. I tried to ask her friends if they knew of anything that she may have done wrong but no one seems to know.
A number of us called each other and picked on a date to go see her at the hospital. I couldn’t get out of work at lunch time to go with them. So because i dread being in hospitals alone, I called a dear friend to take me.
We got to the Hospital at around 4.30pm and were led to the High dependency Unit wards. I kept telling myself “it can’t be that bad.”
Nothing prepared me for what I saw. Patricia looked different; no one would believe she is the girl I bumped into in town just a month before. She was swollen all over with tubes sticking in and out of her hands and mouth. She just managed to say a weak hallo before the nurses asked us to give them time to give her medicine.
I got back to the office and kept reading and prying before I found out that Patricia had refused to start her ARV’s despite various doctors advising her to do so since 2007. I couldn’t believe it. Something she said to me last year quickly came to mind. We were doing an interview for one of the local dailies and it was about the challenges of young people living with HIV. She was being featured as one of the people who have never disclosed their status to anyone, family or friends and I was the loud mouth as usual. When the reporter asked her why she found it hard to talk about her status which she knew about when she was in 1st year of college.
“HIV has always been a disease for immoral and poor people, I can’t bring myself to accept that I have it because I am not those things.” (Immoral or poor)She said.
I understood a lot of things about her that day. Like why she never came to our support group meetings, why she didn’t talk about her status even at work where the majority lived openly with the virus and why she was always keeping to herself.
What I didn’t realize though was how much her attitude affected her health. I was angry, I couldn’t believe it could go this far.
Patricia worked in an organization where HIV talk was normal, sat about 50metres from a clinic, could have gotten referrals to the best doctors if she needed it but what stood in her way was her attitude towards HIV.
There are people who would only dream of such privileges. There are people who still have no access to medication and they lose their lives for it. She had everything including a number of doctors pleading with her to start medication but for one reason or another she felt it wasn’t important.
I hear a lot of confessions from people who will not cut down on their smoking or binge drinking because they are scared of what their friends will say. Or people who won’t start their ARV’s because they don’t want to deal with its side effects. Or people who continue to put their lives and the lives of others at risk because they don’t want to ‘lose’ them and be alone when they disclose their status.
All these are attitudes. Things we can change. I am not for people raising banners and screaming ‘I HAVE HIV’, but it doesn’t mean that in your silence you can’t reach out for help that you need to enable you live a long, healthy and productive life.
Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “Your mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission.”
Thursday, October 15, 2009
RESURFACE
“Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer.”Leonardo Da Vinci.
Time does fly fast. When i decided to take a break from this place, i had no idea i would stay away this long.
I tried a number of times to write but, everything i wrote had a bad taste to it.Today i resurface.
I missed this spot, so did lots of guys judging by the emails and nudges i got from people to post.
So what have i been up to? lots of stuff which shall be covered in my other post. But for today, let me sum up the updates into five key areas of my life.
HEALTH.
Because of the nature of condition i am living with, this should take center stage right? I score the least in this area. I have totally been mean to myself. I haven't gone to clinic for check ups since my last in January. I have no reason valid enough to hold water so i will not give one.
No reports on my new CD4 or anything. I have people on my back about this since i confessed it last month. I gave my word that i will see a doctor before my birthday in November. Lets see how that goes.
WORK
New job, totally new environment. I am in love with my job. From the look of things, i am going to have lots of fun with it. I still work in an HIV&AIDS program but this time my focus is on workplace. I leave jeans and t-shirts and don suits and heels. no more advocacy workshops, i am mostly found in boardrooms and cocktail meetings now oh and the travel! I meet new people every week.Totally cool.
I was scared at first of the change this will bring to my life, but looks like i am handling this well seeing as my buddies still like me.
FAMILY.
We got an additional family member into my house. I adopted a 21year old girl who was kicked out of her home because of her status. That makes 3, the number of adult girls in my house. Total fun, i don't cook and i don't clean.
I am an aunt! My sis got us a baby girl so cute i want another one of my own.
My son is fine and a small man now. I got brave and took him to Boarding school where his teachers call to him as 'mama's boy'. I think i should cut down the number of phone calls i make to the school to check how well he is doing. He seems to have taken up to the school so well which is quite a relief.
FRIENDS
I haven't lost any friends due to stigma, that hasn't happened in a while. I have lost four to death so far. This year, i have made the most number of friends. This is the area of my life that scores the highest. i am truly favored, i have people who i genuinely care about and who genuinely care about me too.
My three friends from campus and i recently celebrated 10years of our friendship. I can't believe how fast time flies. We are doing everything to ensure we meet at least once a month to catch up. Some friendships are worth working on.
BOYS
Nothing much to write home about. 'I have been busy' is the true reason though this looks like an overused excuse. Well, i will attribute my lack of boy reports to two things.
First i have been too sober most of this year to get laid. Once sober i will think through and notice lots of things about a guy until i find something that puts me off. I have been drinking lots of juice, coffee, lattes and Alvaro and hanging out in areas that don't honestly guarantee i shall pic a guy for the road.
Second, my shrink(yes i finally got one) openly disclosed her disapproval at my 'friends with benefits' idea of relationships with men.
She reckons, that the reason i would be doing that is because i have an esteem problem that i should sort out.
So i took sometime off to find out why sexual relations without any form of attachment appeal to me so much.
This goes hand in hand with the male drama i seem to be attracting into my life.
So now, no more drunken nights with guys who i don't give a rats ass about. let's see how that goes.
I have been going through a period i am yet to define. My shrink calls it'Emotional fatigue'. Apparently my listening to so many people open up about their lives problems and issues did take a toll in my own especially seeing as i wasn't getting help for it.
So i became withdrawn and moody, and fed up of being HIV positive. I now understand why people would want to go on a drug holiday. Living with this virus can be exhausting sometime.
The break idea was the best. I come back to this life knowing their is no where i am going to run to, HIV is here to stay and the people who have it and need my help will not end. I will remember this lesson most.
I need care just as much as anyone else living with this condition does.
Time does fly fast. When i decided to take a break from this place, i had no idea i would stay away this long.
I tried a number of times to write but, everything i wrote had a bad taste to it.Today i resurface.
I missed this spot, so did lots of guys judging by the emails and nudges i got from people to post.
So what have i been up to? lots of stuff which shall be covered in my other post. But for today, let me sum up the updates into five key areas of my life.
HEALTH.
Because of the nature of condition i am living with, this should take center stage right? I score the least in this area. I have totally been mean to myself. I haven't gone to clinic for check ups since my last in January. I have no reason valid enough to hold water so i will not give one.
No reports on my new CD4 or anything. I have people on my back about this since i confessed it last month. I gave my word that i will see a doctor before my birthday in November. Lets see how that goes.
WORK
New job, totally new environment. I am in love with my job. From the look of things, i am going to have lots of fun with it. I still work in an HIV&AIDS program but this time my focus is on workplace. I leave jeans and t-shirts and don suits and heels. no more advocacy workshops, i am mostly found in boardrooms and cocktail meetings now oh and the travel! I meet new people every week.Totally cool.
I was scared at first of the change this will bring to my life, but looks like i am handling this well seeing as my buddies still like me.
FAMILY.
We got an additional family member into my house. I adopted a 21year old girl who was kicked out of her home because of her status. That makes 3, the number of adult girls in my house. Total fun, i don't cook and i don't clean.
I am an aunt! My sis got us a baby girl so cute i want another one of my own.
My son is fine and a small man now. I got brave and took him to Boarding school where his teachers call to him as 'mama's boy'. I think i should cut down the number of phone calls i make to the school to check how well he is doing. He seems to have taken up to the school so well which is quite a relief.
FRIENDS
I haven't lost any friends due to stigma, that hasn't happened in a while. I have lost four to death so far. This year, i have made the most number of friends. This is the area of my life that scores the highest. i am truly favored, i have people who i genuinely care about and who genuinely care about me too.
My three friends from campus and i recently celebrated 10years of our friendship. I can't believe how fast time flies. We are doing everything to ensure we meet at least once a month to catch up. Some friendships are worth working on.
BOYS
Nothing much to write home about. 'I have been busy' is the true reason though this looks like an overused excuse. Well, i will attribute my lack of boy reports to two things.
First i have been too sober most of this year to get laid. Once sober i will think through and notice lots of things about a guy until i find something that puts me off. I have been drinking lots of juice, coffee, lattes and Alvaro and hanging out in areas that don't honestly guarantee i shall pic a guy for the road.
Second, my shrink(yes i finally got one) openly disclosed her disapproval at my 'friends with benefits' idea of relationships with men.
She reckons, that the reason i would be doing that is because i have an esteem problem that i should sort out.
So i took sometime off to find out why sexual relations without any form of attachment appeal to me so much.
This goes hand in hand with the male drama i seem to be attracting into my life.
So now, no more drunken nights with guys who i don't give a rats ass about. let's see how that goes.
I have been going through a period i am yet to define. My shrink calls it'Emotional fatigue'. Apparently my listening to so many people open up about their lives problems and issues did take a toll in my own especially seeing as i wasn't getting help for it.
So i became withdrawn and moody, and fed up of being HIV positive. I now understand why people would want to go on a drug holiday. Living with this virus can be exhausting sometime.
The break idea was the best. I come back to this life knowing their is no where i am going to run to, HIV is here to stay and the people who have it and need my help will not end. I will remember this lesson most.
I need care just as much as anyone else living with this condition does.
Friday, February 27, 2009
AFTER THE TEST
“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I fear, I cry and I know you do the same too. So we are really the same me and you”
A couple of minutes after one is told they have tested HIV positive are probably the worse minutes of their lives. I know they were mine. Although after living with this virus this long one tends to encounter other worse things, but that day in the VCT center 5years ago will forever remain etched in my mind.
Everyone has a different story of how they first found out, others decided to go for the voluntary counseling and testing (VCT), others found out after being sick, yet others found out after deaths of spouses raised concerns. What’s common though is the reactions we all exhibit as soon as we find out. Some of us sink into shock and only realize what’s happening way later, there are those who start crying and wont stop no matter what, then there are those of us who just walk out of the doctors office and forget we were ever there. How one is treated at this time, most often determines how they will handle the news and progress from there on.
After surviving the first few moments and the hours, one grapples with various emotions and stages as the reality of the news sinks. Here are a number of emotions (not is any particular order) that one deals with and here’s- in my opinion- how best to deal with them.
Fear
None if us likes going into a new place they hadn’t planned to go to. We always get apprehensive about what we may find there. With the knowledge that one is HIV+ comes the fear of death. Then we fear what the society would do or say to us once they know. We have seen how they treated other people in the past; we know how our family and friends talk about this. We know how the society has judged this a moral disease and we are scared of being judged immoral. We cry a lot at this time mostly because we know at some point or another we will have to deal with family, friends and society reactions and we don’t think we are strong enough for it. My counselor advised that whenever I needed to cry I should go ahead and do it.
“Crying is therapeutic and good for you.” she said.
I have since discovered that the best way to deal with fear is by facing it head on. Sounds insane? Believe me it works. Nelson Mandela once said,
“I learnt that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man isn’t he who doesn’t feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
Numb
This is when one feels, nothing, zilch, zero! Most of the times, this is because one is in shock. One can be in shock for days or weeks, normally they don’t talk about it, go on like all is well but often times break down at the least expected time. After my own results were given to me, I went to a party and spent the weekend with friends like nothing really happened. I broke down three days later in my office when the news finally sank in.
Other times it’s because they are in denial. You tell yourself that this isn’t happening and it can’t be happening to you. Different people go through denial in different ways. Take Emily for instance. She found out she was HIV positive when she was 20years old. She blocked the story from her mind, went on with her life, got married to someone else and has a seven-year-old son. 10years after her test, she decided to seek treatment and is currently in a support group.
Now denial is not a bad thing for helping you go about your life as you deal with the big change that this news has brought to your life. It allows you to take sometime off making some very important decisions but usually it doest work forever. Eventually you will need to make decisions like about where to seek care and treatment, how best to disclose to your friends and family, whether to have a baby or not to and many others. The sooner you get off this stage the better for you. You may get stuck in this stage and end up sick because you didn’t seek the help you need to live a better life.
Rage.
This is the intense anger that one feels towards others or themselves. You may be furious at yourself for having not protected yourself, for having let it happen. Some people resent or get angry with the people they believe infected them, others get angry with God for allowing it to happen. At this time people always exhibit reckless behavior. Normally when one feels there is no other way out of the mess this news has on their life. They reckon,
“I’m going to die anyway so why should I care?” or “I want to drink and have as much fun as I can because I will die soon.”
Some people sell all their belongings albeit at a throw away price because, you guessed right, they believe they are dying. Such behavior will not get you anything but regret. Regret for when 5 years later you are not dead but broke or poor and with a long list of people you infected on your conscience.
Others lose psyche for work or their families. Often times this is the time when most people have given up on life and all the beautiful things it has to offer. This is an understandable feeling. However, it’s advisable to channel all that energy to something more productive. With the help and support from family, friends and counselors one can get over this
Depression
You are tired, you don’t want to get out of bed, and you probably would welcome death if it stretched out a hand to you. Well, all of us have gone through such feelings in our lives for one reason or another. Like the grand break up from your first love? It gave you similar kinds of feelings only this time it feels worse?
“I wished I would just die and not have to deal with people finding out.” Caroline a member of my support group once told us.
This was echoed by a lot of other people. At this point some of us get suicidal. We see no reason to go on, we wonder why we shouldn’t save everyone the agony of seeing us sick and just end it.
Depression sometimes slows us down as we recover from a big blow in our lives but just like denial, it shouldn’t be allowed to overstay its welcome. Depression doesn’t work well when one is HIV positive. It’s advisable to seek counseling or support of family and friends if you can. Join a support group or post-test club near you. Group support gets anyone out of the rut. I know because it was the beginning of me finding strength enough to do what I do today.
Negotiating.
At this point, you believe that everything is happening to you because for some reason or another you were evil or bad and you are getting punished for it. For some people this is the time you feel philanthropic and give a lot of donations to make peace with yourself, others contact family and friends that they had lost touch with and yet others become fanatic church goers.
“ I used to go for all the prayer sessions and meetings.” Confessed Mary.
“ I was totally disappointed when after a year I still had an attack of TB and this time had to go to hospital.” She goes on
We negotiate with God that if we try to be good for a while, then he will wake us up from this horrible dream. We negotiate with ourselves that if probably we try
To make right what we made wrong then God would forgive us. There is a lot of frustration later on when one finds out that no matter how good they try to be, the condition isn’t going away and they have to deal with it. The sooner one realizes they need to deal with this news, the better for them. Talk to someone a counselor or friend to help you through this, or better still join a support group near you.
Low Self Esteem.
You will at all times be faced with low self esteem at one point or another. Different people have low esteem issues for different reasons. There are those who now feel their spouses will not want to stay married to them, most women go about feeling they are not right for any man and end up being used, humiliated and made to feel worthless. Some people maybe due to weight loss from being sick or weight gain from medicines begin to hate their bodies and feel bad about it. You don’t see reason why you should dress up and look nice, or go to parties or to get togethers. You withdraw from family, friends and colleagues
This is often times the reason for misery in our lives. You begin to believe you are not good enough. You don’t apply for that good job; don’t seek educational, professional or personal growth because you believe those things aren’t for you.
“For a long time I convinced myself and my friends that I didn’t like children.” Terry told me.
“I believed that if I kept saying this then I would believe it.” She explained. At the moment, Terry is trying out for a baby after she got married to a HIV-ve man last year, another of the things she thought impossible.
The best cure for esteem issues is self-love and self-acceptance. This doesn’t happen overnight. One needs to inject doses of positive things and energy into their lives every day. Loving you makes it easy for you to deal with lots of things that may happen to your life.
Acceptance.
This is the point when you can look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself; I have HIV but I am not defined by my HIV status but by who I am.
The sooner one gets to this stage the better for them. There is no time limit however for one to get to this point where they accept they have the virus, it’s not leaving and so they have to live with it. At this point most people reach out for help. Look for a doctor or a hospital, go for tests, start treatment, research on how best they can live their lives, disclose to their partners, family and friends and how they can cope with everyday challenges. Getting to this point doesn’t mean that we wont get anymore challenges to deal with but from here, we can about face any of them and with the help of our support system overcome it.
This is probably a cliché, testing HIV positive isn’t really the end of the world, and with the right support and help one can live their lives as productive as any other person. So many people have lived this proof; we just need to believe in our self that we can do it too.
floafriq@gmail.com
A couple of minutes after one is told they have tested HIV positive are probably the worse minutes of their lives. I know they were mine. Although after living with this virus this long one tends to encounter other worse things, but that day in the VCT center 5years ago will forever remain etched in my mind.
Everyone has a different story of how they first found out, others decided to go for the voluntary counseling and testing (VCT), others found out after being sick, yet others found out after deaths of spouses raised concerns. What’s common though is the reactions we all exhibit as soon as we find out. Some of us sink into shock and only realize what’s happening way later, there are those who start crying and wont stop no matter what, then there are those of us who just walk out of the doctors office and forget we were ever there. How one is treated at this time, most often determines how they will handle the news and progress from there on.
After surviving the first few moments and the hours, one grapples with various emotions and stages as the reality of the news sinks. Here are a number of emotions (not is any particular order) that one deals with and here’s- in my opinion- how best to deal with them.
Fear
None if us likes going into a new place they hadn’t planned to go to. We always get apprehensive about what we may find there. With the knowledge that one is HIV+ comes the fear of death. Then we fear what the society would do or say to us once they know. We have seen how they treated other people in the past; we know how our family and friends talk about this. We know how the society has judged this a moral disease and we are scared of being judged immoral. We cry a lot at this time mostly because we know at some point or another we will have to deal with family, friends and society reactions and we don’t think we are strong enough for it. My counselor advised that whenever I needed to cry I should go ahead and do it.
“Crying is therapeutic and good for you.” she said.
I have since discovered that the best way to deal with fear is by facing it head on. Sounds insane? Believe me it works. Nelson Mandela once said,
“I learnt that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man isn’t he who doesn’t feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
Numb
This is when one feels, nothing, zilch, zero! Most of the times, this is because one is in shock. One can be in shock for days or weeks, normally they don’t talk about it, go on like all is well but often times break down at the least expected time. After my own results were given to me, I went to a party and spent the weekend with friends like nothing really happened. I broke down three days later in my office when the news finally sank in.
Other times it’s because they are in denial. You tell yourself that this isn’t happening and it can’t be happening to you. Different people go through denial in different ways. Take Emily for instance. She found out she was HIV positive when she was 20years old. She blocked the story from her mind, went on with her life, got married to someone else and has a seven-year-old son. 10years after her test, she decided to seek treatment and is currently in a support group.
Now denial is not a bad thing for helping you go about your life as you deal with the big change that this news has brought to your life. It allows you to take sometime off making some very important decisions but usually it doest work forever. Eventually you will need to make decisions like about where to seek care and treatment, how best to disclose to your friends and family, whether to have a baby or not to and many others. The sooner you get off this stage the better for you. You may get stuck in this stage and end up sick because you didn’t seek the help you need to live a better life.
Rage.
This is the intense anger that one feels towards others or themselves. You may be furious at yourself for having not protected yourself, for having let it happen. Some people resent or get angry with the people they believe infected them, others get angry with God for allowing it to happen. At this time people always exhibit reckless behavior. Normally when one feels there is no other way out of the mess this news has on their life. They reckon,
“I’m going to die anyway so why should I care?” or “I want to drink and have as much fun as I can because I will die soon.”
Some people sell all their belongings albeit at a throw away price because, you guessed right, they believe they are dying. Such behavior will not get you anything but regret. Regret for when 5 years later you are not dead but broke or poor and with a long list of people you infected on your conscience.
Others lose psyche for work or their families. Often times this is the time when most people have given up on life and all the beautiful things it has to offer. This is an understandable feeling. However, it’s advisable to channel all that energy to something more productive. With the help and support from family, friends and counselors one can get over this
Depression
You are tired, you don’t want to get out of bed, and you probably would welcome death if it stretched out a hand to you. Well, all of us have gone through such feelings in our lives for one reason or another. Like the grand break up from your first love? It gave you similar kinds of feelings only this time it feels worse?
“I wished I would just die and not have to deal with people finding out.” Caroline a member of my support group once told us.
This was echoed by a lot of other people. At this point some of us get suicidal. We see no reason to go on, we wonder why we shouldn’t save everyone the agony of seeing us sick and just end it.
Depression sometimes slows us down as we recover from a big blow in our lives but just like denial, it shouldn’t be allowed to overstay its welcome. Depression doesn’t work well when one is HIV positive. It’s advisable to seek counseling or support of family and friends if you can. Join a support group or post-test club near you. Group support gets anyone out of the rut. I know because it was the beginning of me finding strength enough to do what I do today.
Negotiating.
At this point, you believe that everything is happening to you because for some reason or another you were evil or bad and you are getting punished for it. For some people this is the time you feel philanthropic and give a lot of donations to make peace with yourself, others contact family and friends that they had lost touch with and yet others become fanatic church goers.
“ I used to go for all the prayer sessions and meetings.” Confessed Mary.
“ I was totally disappointed when after a year I still had an attack of TB and this time had to go to hospital.” She goes on
We negotiate with God that if we try to be good for a while, then he will wake us up from this horrible dream. We negotiate with ourselves that if probably we try
To make right what we made wrong then God would forgive us. There is a lot of frustration later on when one finds out that no matter how good they try to be, the condition isn’t going away and they have to deal with it. The sooner one realizes they need to deal with this news, the better for them. Talk to someone a counselor or friend to help you through this, or better still join a support group near you.
Low Self Esteem.
You will at all times be faced with low self esteem at one point or another. Different people have low esteem issues for different reasons. There are those who now feel their spouses will not want to stay married to them, most women go about feeling they are not right for any man and end up being used, humiliated and made to feel worthless. Some people maybe due to weight loss from being sick or weight gain from medicines begin to hate their bodies and feel bad about it. You don’t see reason why you should dress up and look nice, or go to parties or to get togethers. You withdraw from family, friends and colleagues
This is often times the reason for misery in our lives. You begin to believe you are not good enough. You don’t apply for that good job; don’t seek educational, professional or personal growth because you believe those things aren’t for you.
“For a long time I convinced myself and my friends that I didn’t like children.” Terry told me.
“I believed that if I kept saying this then I would believe it.” She explained. At the moment, Terry is trying out for a baby after she got married to a HIV-ve man last year, another of the things she thought impossible.
The best cure for esteem issues is self-love and self-acceptance. This doesn’t happen overnight. One needs to inject doses of positive things and energy into their lives every day. Loving you makes it easy for you to deal with lots of things that may happen to your life.
Acceptance.
This is the point when you can look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself; I have HIV but I am not defined by my HIV status but by who I am.
The sooner one gets to this stage the better for them. There is no time limit however for one to get to this point where they accept they have the virus, it’s not leaving and so they have to live with it. At this point most people reach out for help. Look for a doctor or a hospital, go for tests, start treatment, research on how best they can live their lives, disclose to their partners, family and friends and how they can cope with everyday challenges. Getting to this point doesn’t mean that we wont get anymore challenges to deal with but from here, we can about face any of them and with the help of our support system overcome it.
This is probably a cliché, testing HIV positive isn’t really the end of the world, and with the right support and help one can live their lives as productive as any other person. So many people have lived this proof; we just need to believe in our self that we can do it too.
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