CD4 MANIA

Taking care of issues for some of our members today got me so busy I actually forgot to have lunch. I am not hungry though, for some reason all I could die for right now is a bottle of chilled kingfisher or Smirnoff ice black……and some good bongo music at my local.Oh how i long for the days my friends and i religiously had the 'Monday drink.'

That isn’t what I will get today though….because I can’t. Well you see Friday was my clinic day. I have clinic visits every 3months and CD4 test (test done to check the level of ones immunity in the blood) every 6months. I haven’t been on medication since I discovered my HIV status but I religiously keep my clinic visits. In the last test my CD4 cells were 798

I hate the CD4 counts though; for various reasons.
First there is the needle. I don’t mean to sound like some spoilt kid but from day one having the lab technician prick my arm to draw blood made me feel like a laboratory rat. One should think that with three years of knowing my HIV status and about 6 CD4 tests I should have gotten used to having my arm pricked but noooooooo! I guess in this life there are things one doesn’t get used to at all.

After the needle thing, then I have to deal with the results of the test. I hate it when my immunity goes down. I tell myself a lot of things like ‘I am losing the fight’ or ‘I am too vulnerable to infections.’ Bla bla bla. I don’t know what my CD4 result will be this time but will do so in two weeks.

Any HIV positive person will tell you they value the numbers of their CD4. I have no idea why we are so bothered even when our doctors tell us the fluctuations are normal. Jackie calls it CD4mania and admonishes me every time I blame little things on suspicions that my immunity is low.

A couple of weeks ago, Edith a girl in my youth support group called me in the middle of the night.

“I am sorry to wake you up but I can’t sleep.” She apologized

“Its okay dear, what’s up?” I sleepily replied

“I have to come in and see you tomorrow. I am so depressed.” She said.

I agree thinking she probably had a fight with her relatives whom she stays with and who to date don’t know about her HIV positive status.

Well she did turn up the following day and the reason for her sleepless night? Her CD4 results had gone down by 149. Well Edith isn’t on medication and her last CD test was at 700. She was still way above danger point but she is still stressed. I cant help but think about how many other people have had me drop everything I am doing to have this chat. It’s always the same thing.

“The doctor says its normal but I am still worried”. Christine another group member told me. I guess for us who haven’t started medication yet, the nightmare is crazy. You don’t want to go into the meds yet you know somehow that a simple test will determine that you start taking them. My answer all the time is;

“Find something positive to focus your energy on sweetie because this is what you will feel every time you go for the test.”

This isn’t what I feel when its my turn to go for my results though. Easier said than done ha!

I have had a lot of pimples of late something that’s unusual. I decided to tell that to my Doctor. Results? I have a month's prescription for antibiotics damn! I don’t like medicine! I wish there were some ailments that could be treated by say 5 glasses of wine a day! i would actually enjoy visits to the doc! Speaking of wine, there goes alcohol for another one month! Double Damn!

It think as much as I put on a brave face every day and bring out all the positive energy in me to spread around to all who may need it; there is a part of me that will always be scared of what this virus can do to me. And like everyone else realizing this is like taking one step ahead into doing something about it.

Jerry Gillies once said,

“Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead.”

'Mummy blues'

I am having a very easy day. My boss is out for some training and i can finally relax. This is a relief seeing as I haven’t had a slow day in the office since January. I am enjoying my short-lived freedom because I don’t think I will have another day like this one in a long while.

I wont be bothered by all the work that I have put on hold today…no I wont. I will reply all my mails and make new friends on the net. That’s what I will do. Then I will IM all my buddies at around 3pm.

I miss my son. I really do. This is a new feeling for me seeing as the past years of his life I only saw him for a couple of days or a week if I was lucky. I had him two weeks before college.

I finally managed to convince my parents to let him stay with me. I wanted a shot at being mum before he becomes a man and I can’t go into his room and discuss girls with him or hug him in public……..

Nothing prepared me for the transition though. My domain was invaded and boy wasn’t it overwhelming.
No more unnecessary fun-I have fees to pay now.
No more junk food- a baby needs a nutritious meal so that means cooking everyday.
No more working late- he is home at 4pm and needs help with his homework.
No more waking up late; even on weekends. His noise and pranks would not let you indulge after 7am.

I do laundry and sort out uniforms and go to the market and recently bought needle and thread. I am a complete MUM. When most of your sentences begin with ‘don’t do this/that’ or ‘why you didn’t…’ then you are a mum

Well the first couple of months were spent with us clashing and adjusting. I guess that’s to be expected seeing as this was the first time in 8 years we were stuck together without my parents.
Junior is currently on school holiday and visiting my parents. I get to sleep most of the weekends but it’s not fun anymore. The house is soooooooo boring without him. I miss his jokes and his baby laugh. I miss talking about his feelings for his girlfriend, and I want to pick up after him and I am tired of not having him around for supper. Oh! When will the school holiday come to an end?

Most of all I miss his smile. It’s the first thing I see in the morning when we all struggle to wake up and get him ready for school. That smile means the world to me….makes me realize what a handsome young man I’m gonna have in a few years. The smile makes up for a lot of things in my life and gives me reason to soldier on even when all appears lost.

I MISS MY SON!

APPRECIATING MY FRIENDS

Last week I got an opportunity to help some teachers at Kenya Istitute of Education (KIE) come up with radio programs on HIV & AIDS for school children. Part of the training required that I tell my story and they would use it to script the programs. As I went through the week answering all their questions I couldn’t help realizing the influence of family and friends in shaping the positive strong person I am today.

I am slowing down my otherwise very dynamic working life to think of and appreciate various people who have seen me through the worst moments of my HIV positive life.

After the verdict of my HIV status, I painfully lost a number of friends. The bright side of all this is that I made some more. These are the people I would do anything for because they give my life meaning each day.Tehyi Hsieh once said,
“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends whom we choose."
If asked at random to name people who have helped shape my life in the last four years, I would say……(not in any particular order)

Sam Kantai; I met him in my 1st year at the university. We didn’t get too close though until after graduation and fate had us become neighbors. He saw me through the confusion of the first few months into my HIV positive verdict, to the pain of losing my job and being so angry with God and the world. He taught me the value of spirituality. I don’t know where I would be at if I didn’t have him to run to.

Mary W.; Mary was one of my supervisors during my internship. We became friends though and still are. She saw me through the worst relationship of my life. She made me understand how not to let men treat me and how to calmly walk away from all the pain. She handled my disclosure so well, didn’t cry or whatever, has always been the logical person I would ask advise on anything.

Esther; Former workmate became my friend exactly one month after I discovered my HIV status. She was always there when I needed to go for a quick cry in the ‘ladies room’. She listened to me when I went on and on about my fears, took me to my first clinic, held my hand and say me through the new experience. Now she laughs with me.

F. Rache; My dear roommate from college. We have different personalities yet are so alike. In her own way she is always there whenever I need her. Encourages me to see things in the positive. She is there when I need to cry, or talk forever about anything however stupid, or go dancing or drink silly in celebration of whatever.

D.Muigei; My college friend. So near yet so far away. Thanks to technology though we are in constant communication. Always encouraging me to go on even when the going gets tough, for her sense of humor, for not treating me any different and always bonding with me whenever she is in the country however busy she may be.

Ojay; He learnt of my status through gossip and reached out to me. I wouldn’t begin to name all that he has done for me…all the time reaching out…its just too much. I would describe him in these words. A true friend.

Shi’; One of my newest friends yet so close. She took me out of a miserable box last year, taught me how to laugh again, how to be positive about my situation even in public. Was helpful during the first few days when I decided to go public about my HIV status. Quelled my fears, held my hands, celebrated my small victories, and always strived to make me realize I was special and can be anything I wanted to be. She teaches me everyday not to apologize for my blessings. And to stretch my potential for the sake of all those people who look up to me.

Josaya; New friend too. From him I have learnt the value of patience and relationships; I have learnt not to listen to peoples negative talks, not to give up on what I consider my purpose. With his help I discovered I could write, I could encourage and give hope. His opinions mean a lot to me.

There are some more who have influenced my life and who I will forever be grateful to; Masawa, Cecelia, Nyasaka, hill, Kombo, Mike, Peter, and Joyce.

So this week I am doing the reaching out, calling all of these guys and trying to see if I can meet as many of them as I can. To show gratitude and appreciation for my relationships.
Iyanla Vanzant once said,
“My most courageous moment is not a moment at all but a series of moments strung together around a singular theme: telling myself the truth, the truth about who I am, about what I want, about what I'm doing. That takes an incredible amount of guts, faith, and strength. For me, it's most challenging in relationships. Some people do their learning in careers. Some people do their learning alone. Me, I do my greatest learning in relationships.”

Beyond ‘the valley’

I am reading a book by a woman I have grown to admire so much; Iyanla Vanzant. The book "Value in the Valley” is interesting to read and very inspirational as well. Makes me take a deep look into my life each day.

Iyanla describes the valley as any dark moment in a black woman’s life when she feels like she has lost it all. The book has taught me that with a little faith, I could find a lesson and make the best(Value) out of any situation or 'dark valley' i am in.
As I go through the book I can't help looking into my life and picking out them ‘dark valleys’ and the possible lessons or positive notes.

This year started on a sad note for all Kenyans. Thank God my family survived the skirmishes. I may have not been directly affected but alot of our members who i have now become emotionally attached to were. I just never realised how much their plight affected me.

I have gone through the last three months listening to our members stories, some of them have been affected by these clashes in more ways than one. They have lost relatives, houses, all their belongings and their hope for life.

For some of us, the hope of living through another day with this virus is all that keeps us going. Being hit by life’s battles get us so down some of us getting so sick in those low moments we wish we had died in the first place.

“I was chased from my house with nothing; I have been wearing the same clothes for a whole week.” Doreen one of our youth members said to me.
“How about your children?” I ask concerned for I know the young one is less than six months old.
‘They are fine; we are camping at Ruaraka police station.” She replies, she hasn’t showered in days and is itching all over.

After my usual psychobabbles about taking my helping hand too far, I take her to my house for a bath and get her clean clothes.
Out store keeper gets some food, blankets and clothes for her and her babies from our office and I ask her to bring in the babies for medical checkup.


She leaves and I am left wishing I could do more. Maybe house her and her children if I could, maybe get them a house and pay the rent, maybe….
I can’t do much and feel so helpless.

So after a number of stories each more sad or worse than the last, I start hating my job. I lose psyche, I don’t talk much. What’s there to say, we have alot of our members out in the rain and mosquitoes.
As days go by I sink ever so slowly into the valley of defeat. I feel lost; I become dull and irritable and resign from work. My boss refuses to let me go. Giving me a long lecture of what potential she has seen in me bla bla bla.

Well Thank God for small favors, a week out of the office and hours and hours of soul searching plus ‘the book’ have brought my old self back. I even wrote my first post of the year! Yey!

I tested HIV positive about 4 years ago for a reason. I am in KENWA with all the resources at my disposal for a reason……a reason I know too well. I can’t afford to give up now.
I may not be able to help everyone or do everything, but I will do my best each day.

TAKE THE LEAD......

World AIDS Day!

According to UNAIDS estimates, there are now 39.5 million people living with HIV, including 2.3 million children. During 2006 some 4.3 million people became newly infected with the virus. Around half of all people who become infected with HIV do so before they are 25 and are killed by AIDS before they are 35.
Around 95% of people with HIV/AIDS live in developing nations. But HIV today is a threat to men, women and children on all continents around the world.
Started on 1st December 1988, World AIDS Day is not just about raising money, but also about increasing awareness, fighting prejudice and improving education. World AIDS Day is important in reminding people that HIV has not gone away, and that there are many things still to be done.
The theme for World AIDS Day 2007
World AIDS Day was originally organised by UNAIDS, who chose the theme after consultation with other organisations. In 2005 UNAIDS handed over responsibility for World AIDS Day to an independent organisation known as The World AIDS Campaign (WAC).
The WAC’s slogan for their work is "Stop AIDS: Keep the Promise". This is an appeal to governments, policy makers and regional health authorities to ensure that they meet the many targets that have been set in the fight against HIV and AIDS, and especially the promise of universal access to HIV treatment, care, support and prevention services by 2010.
This campaign will run until 2010, with a related theme chosen for World AIDS Day each year.

The 2007 theme, “leadership”, highlights the need for innovation, vision and perseverance in the face of the AIDS challenge. The campaign calls on all sectors of society such as families, communities and civil society organisations - rather than just governments - to take the initiative and provide leadership on AIDS.
Wherever we are, we can ‘take the lead’ and do our part in the fight against HIV/AIDS

REAPING FROM GOOD..............

Most times we often wonder why we should be good to people. I know because i get lectures about what a fool i am whenever i try to help and i end up being played- happens most of the time.
My friend Doris once told me i don't know how to look for the bad in people. Maybe she was right. Well situations make us change though.
So a few years later and living with this virus has made me a little weary of people and what they can do. Still old habits die hard. I am still easily reduced to tears at sad stories i hear from the women we serve. I feel so bad whenever i can't be able to help.
Mondays are my days in the office, i get to meet all the women in need of seed money as capital for business. I have to listen to their stories and decide which cases are needy. At the end of the day; whatever issue i have looks 'small'. -this should explain why i love my Monday drinks.

I have always been the 'mother Teresa' of the crowd. I still I'm to some extent only this time non of the people around me; friends and family will let me overindulge in the virtue/vice. You see most of the time when you give yourself to something or someone without question,you end up hurt.
A bout a year after my HIV positive verdict i took on the role of ' Aunt Tabby.' Everyone comes to me with all these problems they cant tell anyone. 'My boyfriend is cheating on me, what do i do?" or ' i have this condition is it normal?' or ' i want to go for a VCT test please take me.' I try to be there. Most of the time i give my all. My friends- the true ones have been with me through 'lots of stuff'.
I learnt something last week. That doing good isn't always in Vain. There will always be those bad cases but the good ones bring so much joy.

Last week, i was stressed because of something and i just couldn't be able to make a decision about what to do. I confided in one of my friends and afterwards i knew what i had to do. You see all she did was remind me something i said to her once. " People treat you the way you let them." I say this to my friends all the time. I also tell them to give their best to people so they can demand the best from them.
I never knew all this would rub off on me someday. Well whatever you do, it doesn't hurt to be Kidogo kind to someone, you just might never know what you reap from it.

JUST ASKING........

This past week has been full of fun. I had friends I haven’t seen in years visiting. It was like being in Coast (where I grew up) and Kisumu (where my family is at the moment) again; the catching up and the gossip...... refreshing.
My mum was around for a whole week; I spent everyday after work taking her round and going shopping. I haven’t ever gone shopping with my mum, the few times she took my sister and I to a shop to buy dresses when we were young, were always disastrous.

My friend Diana from Kisumu was here to meet an Internet ‘hook up’ but thought it wise to say hie before she goes for her ‘romp in the sack'.
My friend Kombo from Voi who I haven’t seen in almost two years was here to do his political stuff and passed by for a half an hour.

Then my cousin came to stay over for three days. She was here for an interview. I haven’t seen her since graduation; she decided to get married at our 4th year of cole'.
She chose the ‘bad boy of our class to get married to. Everyone was shocked. Every man who was pursuing her (she was the perfect pretty and soft woman.) either cried or got absolutely drunk once the news was out.

I had to tell her about my being HIV positive and she opened up a lot about her marriage and her fears. She hasn't gone for the test and is so scared. I added two and two when she confessed she told the interview panel she would love to work anywhere KCB posts her. I saw her off on Saturday night and promised to keep in touch.

She gets home on Sunday morning to a rude shock. her husband isn’t in the house at seven in the morning and on top of their rumpled bed is a condom. Yes a condom. The best excuse her husband has when he walks in after 20 minutes is he took the condoms from the office. I spend 30 minutes listening to her and trying to say the right words to sort of ease the pain. Pain I know she will carry with her most of today.
At the end of that call i had this feeling...like my past was catching up with me, de' javu.

Can somebody tell me what drives a man to bring another woman other than his wife to his marital bed? Why does a man cheat on his girlfriend or wife or whatever?

I mean what makes a man who knows his wife is in a night bus get a woman to their house, their bed (this is disgusting) and fuck her? Okay, thank God he used a rubber. Honestly at least he has some sense.

What makes a man leave his office, go back to his house when his wife is at work, to do his house help?

What makes a man who proclaims he loves a woman to pieces and has a baby with her cheat?This guy cant even afford to pay for the baby's upkeep and the woman has to deal with this.She after some thought decides to take his sorry broke ass back just for the sake of the baby or whatever. What makes such a guy cheat on a woman? i am already raising our child without your help and fucking you because you begged me to.

What makes a man look at a woman across the room in a pub, lie to his girlfriend that he is going to the gents only to go screw her at the parking lot in his car or on the bonnet of someones car? (That was my boyfriend.)

What makes a guy screw a hooker when his girlfriend is just three meters away stupidly in love and waiting for him to come back from wherever he excused himself to go to? (My boyfriend again) I wonder do they use a condom all of these times they cheat?

I mean I don’t want to believe this but lets just say that hypothetically I may be the most boring woman you ever took to bed, sessions with me could be so boring you cry when you ejaculate but why not just dump me? Why not save me the torture of seeing you treating me like trash?

Why? At these moments do you suffer selective amnesia? Like, do you forget you have a wife or girlfriend? Or what happens? I’d love to know.

When you are done and come back to me in the pub, sit down and go on drinking don’t you feel a tad guilty? Well don’t you? What do you tell yourself at these moments? do you tell yourself you're ‘the man?’ are you proud? do you feel strong or do you feel powerful or what? Seriously do you tell yourself that you had a right? Because I am a boring woman in bed? Or what do you tell yourself?

Why embarrass me this much? Bringing a woman to my marital bed? That’s low.
Fucking my girlfriends for the thrill of it, that’s low too. Fucking a hooker when in the parking lot of some pub is lame. For whatever reasons. Why did you bring me to the place with you anyway?
I understand that men a hunters by nature. Believe me i understand. i know that once in a while they need the thrill of hunting for fresh prey but honestly can't you hunt somewhere far from me? why don't you go to the next country and find yourself a woman there.Why my neighbour or friend or house help or cousin why?

Seriously are relationships worth having? Is marriage a dangerous place to be in? I went out with a guy for only six months, six and I had the ‘grand heartbreak’ and HIV. Six months of pain and tears and embarrassments I don’t want to mention. Now I have to deal with having HIV for the rest of my life. Does he ever think of this when he is sticking it up all the random women in the darkness of parking lots?

I can’t believe i am crying as I write this. Do you know what happens when you are in such relationships? You beg for him to change, and cry like crazy just so he feels you. Then you do stupid stuff to try and make him change. You do the lowest stuff like call the women on his phone and yell at those you suspect could be the one s he is sleeping with. Then you yell at him because you don’t seem to be getting anywhere. You get embarrassed when your friends ask you what’s going on. Because they saw him with another woman at a function you and him were invited to. Then slowly you get indifferent. You just don’t care anymore, or so you think. And this thing eats up your heart and your feelings and by the time you decide to leave you are so dead inside you don’t even cry.Because you feel nothing but empty.

That was me end of 2003. This is my cousin today. And hearing her voice on the phone 20 minutes ago, I couldn't help wondering why I let someone hurt me this bad.
Everything happens for a reason i guess for i know better now.