I was in Nakuru all of last week for work. What surprised me most were the feelings I had just as I got there. I complained about everything, the food, the conference hall, the toilet, everything. I got hit by this realization as I was having lunch, I was homesick. I haven’t used this word ever since I walked out of my boarding school at age 11 to go home for the school holidays.
You see I went to boarding school so young; I was eight. By age 10 I loved the freedom to do as I wished away from my parent’s watchful eye. I could curse and play and be naughty and I f I did my best I wouldn’t be answerable for it because well our guardians had a lot of other children in that school.
Forgive my tangent.
Days don’t seem to be moving, I am doing my best to be busy but I can’t seem to shake this feeling off. I am home sick. So I did what I do best whenever I have feelings like these ones, i wrote down everything I was missing in the hope that once I have it all out, then I will feel better.
This is what I came up with:
I miss my son junior, I miss his pranks, playing with him, yelling at him and curling on the sofa with him as we watch TV.I miss fighting over the TV remote with him, listening to his funny stories about school, his friends and watching him talk to himself as he plays. I miss his smile. He wakes me up every morning and as I open my eyes, the first thing I see is his smile. I miss that.
I miss my sister Maha; I miss her soft talk and laugh as she asks me for money to buy something. I miss her silly mistakes and the reasons they give me to start a lecture and sound like my mum. I miss telling jokes to her and how she is always ready to do stuff for me whenever I am home. Most of all? I miss her food. The girl can make every meal look and taste gourmet.
I miss my sister Deby….Now Debs is Debs.I miss everything about this girl. She is just outright crazy and fills our lives with so much laughter. I miss our jokes, the funny way that we talk imitating papa shirandula. I miss talking in Luo and listening to her sing her heart out…off key by the way. I miss watching her and junior dance in the house. I miss the whole of Debby.
I miss my friends, the fact that they are just miles away, and the evening drinks at our favorite joints. I mostly miss the Monday drink. It’s a chance to meet, catch up, gossip and fight sometimes. But the drink always ensures we are best of friends at the end of it all. I miss the internet chat. I am hooked to the chat; it’s the only way I can catch up with almost all my friends without getting into a ‘mat’ and leaving the comforts of where I work and live.
This may sound seriously lame but I miss my office. I miss the rush of what my work entails, I miss meeting people and at the end of the day helping sort out something that was bugging them it always makes me feel useful at the end of ach day, I miss that.
I guess I just miss my life, the simple things that I probably take for granted everyday.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
TESTING MY SON
A couple of weeks ago, I confronted a fear I have been having for along time now.
I have known my HIV status since 2005. What I have had doubts about since then has been my sons HIV status. I would shrug off all the concerns I had and sometimes put on a brave face and say I am sure he is negative whenever friends and relatives ask.
“I had junior when I was 18years, I am sure I got infected with HIV later on.” I would say sometimes trying so hard to convince myself too.
There is no need to have him tested because he isn't one to get sick frequenly.
“He is fine” my mum would try to reassure me.
The complacent thought flew off my head when last month we admitted a young 19 year old girl in our rescue center. Her mother, a high school teacher gave birth to her while still in college. She later broke up with the child's father and they haven’t met ever since.
Nothing about Mary was different from any child her age, she was'nt sickly, she grew up healthy and okay. Towards the end of last year however, Mary got sick with one ailment after another. Diagnostic HIV test gave positive results confirming fears Mary’s family have had ever since they heard from grapevine that her dad had passed away due to complications of AIDS.
I have been putting off the idea of my son testing for HIV. I actually hate tests….of any kind because with me, they always test positive. One morning though I just snapped and decided to get this over with. I was tired of thinking about it, of being scared of what the results would be, of worrying what I will do in case he turns HIV positive.
“Are you sure you can handle the outcome?” a colleague asked me when I told her about it.
“I don’t know.” I replied
If the results are positive, I will take him home and go out in search of alcohol.” I joked
I went about my day wondering if I had the strength to deal with the outcome of the test. I may sound and look like i have it together most of the time but inside me is a woman who scares very easily. I love my son more than anyone in the world and if his test were to turn positive, then i think a part of me would die.
Junior came to my office after school. I had told him we were going to do a malaria test and get him medication. He has flu or something.
We did the test, the five minutes wait was horrible!I looked at my son smiling at me when i told a joke to distract him. My heart beat fast. I was scared of what my reaction would be. I asked myself a lot of questions and consoled myself.
“We will be fine.” I kept reassuring myself.
“Here are the results Florence, your son is HIV negative.” The nurse told me as she showed me the results.
"You can breath in and out” she continued as I just looked at her in relief.
“I will breath out now because I have been holding my breath all this time.” I replied nearly shouting.
I wanted to scream and jump and do a dance but I couldn’t at the time.
I have had a good nights sleep since then and I am glad I will be having another blessing to count and thank God for.
I have known my HIV status since 2005. What I have had doubts about since then has been my sons HIV status. I would shrug off all the concerns I had and sometimes put on a brave face and say I am sure he is negative whenever friends and relatives ask.
“I had junior when I was 18years, I am sure I got infected with HIV later on.” I would say sometimes trying so hard to convince myself too.
There is no need to have him tested because he isn't one to get sick frequenly.
“He is fine” my mum would try to reassure me.
The complacent thought flew off my head when last month we admitted a young 19 year old girl in our rescue center. Her mother, a high school teacher gave birth to her while still in college. She later broke up with the child's father and they haven’t met ever since.
Nothing about Mary was different from any child her age, she was'nt sickly, she grew up healthy and okay. Towards the end of last year however, Mary got sick with one ailment after another. Diagnostic HIV test gave positive results confirming fears Mary’s family have had ever since they heard from grapevine that her dad had passed away due to complications of AIDS.
I have been putting off the idea of my son testing for HIV. I actually hate tests….of any kind because with me, they always test positive. One morning though I just snapped and decided to get this over with. I was tired of thinking about it, of being scared of what the results would be, of worrying what I will do in case he turns HIV positive.
“Are you sure you can handle the outcome?” a colleague asked me when I told her about it.
“I don’t know.” I replied
If the results are positive, I will take him home and go out in search of alcohol.” I joked
I went about my day wondering if I had the strength to deal with the outcome of the test. I may sound and look like i have it together most of the time but inside me is a woman who scares very easily. I love my son more than anyone in the world and if his test were to turn positive, then i think a part of me would die.
Junior came to my office after school. I had told him we were going to do a malaria test and get him medication. He has flu or something.
We did the test, the five minutes wait was horrible!I looked at my son smiling at me when i told a joke to distract him. My heart beat fast. I was scared of what my reaction would be. I asked myself a lot of questions and consoled myself.
“We will be fine.” I kept reassuring myself.
“Here are the results Florence, your son is HIV negative.” The nurse told me as she showed me the results.
"You can breath in and out” she continued as I just looked at her in relief.
“I will breath out now because I have been holding my breath all this time.” I replied nearly shouting.
I wanted to scream and jump and do a dance but I couldn’t at the time.
I have had a good nights sleep since then and I am glad I will be having another blessing to count and thank God for.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
A PRAYER FOR CATHERINE
Today is probably one of those days i classify as dark. I was woken up by a workmate because one of us was very sick and needed to be rushed to the hospital. It would probably just be any other day because such emergencies are what my work is all about; but today it was my best friend at work. Allow me to digress,
Cathrine has alwyas been the girl i would come to the office to catch up and gossip with, infact every morning before we started work we would take sometime off to chat, gossip, tell each other our dreams and fears, talk about our sex lives....or lack of it. O n the outside we actually had nothig in common, She is the religious straight and good morals girl she even has a post in the childrens ministy in her church and i.....well i am the crazy,risk taker full of guts and a loud mouth. What brought us so close was our status and what we go through at work. and boy werent we close.
At the begining of this year though, Cathrine told me she was expecting. We were happy, had a evening out to toast her new developements. Our hapiness was shortlived because just two days later, her boyfriend of one year walked out on her.
My friend changed from the ussual happy girl to a cry baby daily as she went about her heart break, she turned pale and thin and thinner as weeks went by. I tried....We all tried to help her forget this stupid son of a bitch but i guese some things arent as easy as we want them to be.
HIV and stress dont really work well together, and before long my friend was sick with one ailment after another, popping in as many as 20 tablets a day including her ARV's. She looked so bad i once asked her to terminate the pregnancy. Most of the people did but she wouldnt hear of it.
So i sat and waited, everyday hoping she will get better...that she would not die of this serious need to get a child, a child whose stupid father is married to another woman right now. She is 5 months pregnant now but is always sick and is so thin i dont look forward to seeing her anymore. Is that too bad? she is my friend but she is a constatnt reminder of what this virus can do to me.
Back to today, Cathrine is sick again and as i write this has been rushed to hospital, she had a seisure in the morning. To top it up she could be losing the baby....her water just broke.
I leave for a meeting that i know i wont give my all in just a bit......because i am terribly worried for my friend....terribly mad at her at the same time too......and super angry at her stupid ex.
I am saying a prayer though that everything works okay and i dont lose a friend today....well maybe because i dont trust my self to be strong enough for it.
Say a prayer for Cathrine too.
*Not her real name
Cathrine has alwyas been the girl i would come to the office to catch up and gossip with, infact every morning before we started work we would take sometime off to chat, gossip, tell each other our dreams and fears, talk about our sex lives....or lack of it. O n the outside we actually had nothig in common, She is the religious straight and good morals girl she even has a post in the childrens ministy in her church and i.....well i am the crazy,risk taker full of guts and a loud mouth. What brought us so close was our status and what we go through at work. and boy werent we close.
At the begining of this year though, Cathrine told me she was expecting. We were happy, had a evening out to toast her new developements. Our hapiness was shortlived because just two days later, her boyfriend of one year walked out on her.
My friend changed from the ussual happy girl to a cry baby daily as she went about her heart break, she turned pale and thin and thinner as weeks went by. I tried....We all tried to help her forget this stupid son of a bitch but i guese some things arent as easy as we want them to be.
HIV and stress dont really work well together, and before long my friend was sick with one ailment after another, popping in as many as 20 tablets a day including her ARV's. She looked so bad i once asked her to terminate the pregnancy. Most of the people did but she wouldnt hear of it.
So i sat and waited, everyday hoping she will get better...that she would not die of this serious need to get a child, a child whose stupid father is married to another woman right now. She is 5 months pregnant now but is always sick and is so thin i dont look forward to seeing her anymore. Is that too bad? she is my friend but she is a constatnt reminder of what this virus can do to me.
Back to today, Cathrine is sick again and as i write this has been rushed to hospital, she had a seisure in the morning. To top it up she could be losing the baby....her water just broke.
I leave for a meeting that i know i wont give my all in just a bit......because i am terribly worried for my friend....terribly mad at her at the same time too......and super angry at her stupid ex.
I am saying a prayer though that everything works okay and i dont lose a friend today....well maybe because i dont trust my self to be strong enough for it.
Say a prayer for Cathrine too.
*Not her real name
Monday, June 9, 2008
BUYING TIME Vs LIVING LIFE.
One Saturday every month I go for a group meeting with a bunch of HIV positive guys like me. The group that I helped start had about 9 people on the first day and has been growing ever since. It’s sort of like an AA (alcohol anonymous) meeting where we all come together to talk about issues related to HIV that we go through as well as educate each other.
I haven’t been a fun of support groups because the few I went to before weren’t exciting, I am not a fun of sad stories either and I sort of felt the members there were dwelling more on what had happened rather than what they could do now that they are HIV positive.
Our meeting is fun I look forward to it every month. We encourage each other to have fun, be healthy, kick butt and be productive. I think since it’s specially tailored for the youth, this works just fine.
So Saturday we had our June meeting and on record 24 people attended. I was so proud of me. I started this group, I was scared that I would end up in it alone with the two people who help me facilitate the meetings but 4 months down the line we have 24 people meeting to talk and be friends? Awesome.
Issues of discussions range from fun, dating and relationships to children, families, parenting and work. We let our guards down and talk about our fears and we disclose stuff that would make our friends scream. Actually for most of the people in the group this is the only time they can be real. Because their friends, workmates or relatives don’t know they are HIV positive.
This Saturday we had an interesting and heated discussion on why people who aren’t on medication yet should religiously take septrin. Let me go off on a tangent,
This is my fourth year with this virus, I am not on medication and aside from a cold whenever everyone has one I am fine. I haven’t ever been so sick I was hospitalized or didn’t wake up to go to work. I am lucky I guess and I am not taking any septrins.
Every time I go for my clinic visit, my doctor and I have this discussion about the need for me to take septrins and I keep refusing. He goes on and on about how the drug helps keep infections away….to which I silently go like I haven’t ever been sick anyway. My CD4 has always ranged between 621-800 I think I am fine. I hate medicines, of every kind. I don’t finish doses, its only recently that I started taking my antibiotics medication seriously and that was because my face was so acne infested and I was trying to get better. What I tell myself and the doctor all the time is I will eat well and stay happy and when my immunity gets low I will start on my ARV’s I don’t want to take any medications in between unless I am treating something.
I got to face the septrin issue at the meeting yesterday when the ‘pro septrin’ guys came up strongly to defend their case.
“Septrin is a prophylaxis that helps keep infections like pneumonia away.” one member said. “Whaaaaaaat?”
That got my attention. Okay there are about three opportunistic infections related to HIV that scare me T.B(and this is so bad I don’t even hang out in filled up joints), pneumonia(I have seen two friends get this and get hospitalized) and Herpes( the pain……I don’t think I can stand all that pain). I pray to God everyday to keep these diseases away from me.
So the mention of pneumonia got me so scared Iam actually thinking of taking the damn tablet, but I still have my reservations.
One of the reasons why I don’t want the drug is because once in while I will go clubbing and take a drink. Sometimes…. i take one drink too many. I wouldn’t want to mix that with alcohol; in fact I wouldn’t want to mix any meds with alcohol at all.
“I take my septrins till Thursday and go off till Sunday.” Another member said.
“No that’s wrong, you shouldn’t break off taking the medication blab bla bla……’ and the discussion went on and on.
Something came out clear for me in that meeting, as much as we all had something in common, we were totally different in our ways of dealing with it.
There are some of us who believe they are ‘buying time.’ Everyday they live with this virus. Then there are some of us who are ‘living life’. We are aware of what this virus can do, try our level best to do what is right to stay healthy but have decided to live life like everyday was our last; drawing every positive thing out of it, shaking off or shrugging all the negative energy. Then there are those that don’t give a rats ass about anything at all (I see a lot of these people at my office) they just want to die. A small issue like popping a 500 mg tablet everyday will not bring out the same views by all these three groups.
“Everyday you wake up the first thing you think about is I have HIV and you just bought more time” one member said.
I wanted to differ with her but I stopped because that’s how life is for her.
That’s not what I think everyday when I wake up. I don’t go about my business telling myself I have HIV so I will do this or that….actually I am more driven by what useful things I will do that day. We are all going to die someday and not necessarily due to complications of AIDS. So the buying time thingy doesn’t hold water for me.
We all see things differently like for example someone probably thinks they are walking around with a disease and are scared to even put on make up and go have fun, or take risks like having a baby or going for that new promotion because for them life stopped at the HIV+ verdict and the rest of it is 'extra time' as they wait for death. For others this is time to catch up on all life has to offer.
Whatever our differences in opinion, one thing is common, we all have the virus and we all want to live for as long as we want. I tell people all the time that there isn’t any manual for living with this virus. You just have to 'fine tune stuff' one day at a time and in a couple of years know what works for you.
Whenever someone asks what special thing I do to stay this healthy, i tell them I laugh. Sincerely I am not on any diet at all, I don’t do anything special, and I want my life to be as normal as any other person my age. I just stay happy and laugh out a lot even at my own problems (which I have started viewing as opportunities).I believe laughter is the best medicine and I indulge in it a lot.
I believe in living my life to full potential….more like eating the ice-cream before it melts away. That has worked for me. Whatever situation you are in. Find what works for you.
I haven’t been a fun of support groups because the few I went to before weren’t exciting, I am not a fun of sad stories either and I sort of felt the members there were dwelling more on what had happened rather than what they could do now that they are HIV positive.
Our meeting is fun I look forward to it every month. We encourage each other to have fun, be healthy, kick butt and be productive. I think since it’s specially tailored for the youth, this works just fine.
So Saturday we had our June meeting and on record 24 people attended. I was so proud of me. I started this group, I was scared that I would end up in it alone with the two people who help me facilitate the meetings but 4 months down the line we have 24 people meeting to talk and be friends? Awesome.
Issues of discussions range from fun, dating and relationships to children, families, parenting and work. We let our guards down and talk about our fears and we disclose stuff that would make our friends scream. Actually for most of the people in the group this is the only time they can be real. Because their friends, workmates or relatives don’t know they are HIV positive.
This Saturday we had an interesting and heated discussion on why people who aren’t on medication yet should religiously take septrin. Let me go off on a tangent,
This is my fourth year with this virus, I am not on medication and aside from a cold whenever everyone has one I am fine. I haven’t ever been so sick I was hospitalized or didn’t wake up to go to work. I am lucky I guess and I am not taking any septrins.
Every time I go for my clinic visit, my doctor and I have this discussion about the need for me to take septrins and I keep refusing. He goes on and on about how the drug helps keep infections away….to which I silently go like I haven’t ever been sick anyway. My CD4 has always ranged between 621-800 I think I am fine. I hate medicines, of every kind. I don’t finish doses, its only recently that I started taking my antibiotics medication seriously and that was because my face was so acne infested and I was trying to get better. What I tell myself and the doctor all the time is I will eat well and stay happy and when my immunity gets low I will start on my ARV’s I don’t want to take any medications in between unless I am treating something.
I got to face the septrin issue at the meeting yesterday when the ‘pro septrin’ guys came up strongly to defend their case.
“Septrin is a prophylaxis that helps keep infections like pneumonia away.” one member said. “Whaaaaaaat?”
That got my attention. Okay there are about three opportunistic infections related to HIV that scare me T.B(and this is so bad I don’t even hang out in filled up joints), pneumonia(I have seen two friends get this and get hospitalized) and Herpes( the pain……I don’t think I can stand all that pain). I pray to God everyday to keep these diseases away from me.
So the mention of pneumonia got me so scared Iam actually thinking of taking the damn tablet, but I still have my reservations.
One of the reasons why I don’t want the drug is because once in while I will go clubbing and take a drink. Sometimes…. i take one drink too many. I wouldn’t want to mix that with alcohol; in fact I wouldn’t want to mix any meds with alcohol at all.
“I take my septrins till Thursday and go off till Sunday.” Another member said.
“No that’s wrong, you shouldn’t break off taking the medication blab bla bla……’ and the discussion went on and on.
Something came out clear for me in that meeting, as much as we all had something in common, we were totally different in our ways of dealing with it.
There are some of us who believe they are ‘buying time.’ Everyday they live with this virus. Then there are some of us who are ‘living life’. We are aware of what this virus can do, try our level best to do what is right to stay healthy but have decided to live life like everyday was our last; drawing every positive thing out of it, shaking off or shrugging all the negative energy. Then there are those that don’t give a rats ass about anything at all (I see a lot of these people at my office) they just want to die. A small issue like popping a 500 mg tablet everyday will not bring out the same views by all these three groups.
“Everyday you wake up the first thing you think about is I have HIV and you just bought more time” one member said.
I wanted to differ with her but I stopped because that’s how life is for her.
That’s not what I think everyday when I wake up. I don’t go about my business telling myself I have HIV so I will do this or that….actually I am more driven by what useful things I will do that day. We are all going to die someday and not necessarily due to complications of AIDS. So the buying time thingy doesn’t hold water for me.
We all see things differently like for example someone probably thinks they are walking around with a disease and are scared to even put on make up and go have fun, or take risks like having a baby or going for that new promotion because for them life stopped at the HIV+ verdict and the rest of it is 'extra time' as they wait for death. For others this is time to catch up on all life has to offer.
Whatever our differences in opinion, one thing is common, we all have the virus and we all want to live for as long as we want. I tell people all the time that there isn’t any manual for living with this virus. You just have to 'fine tune stuff' one day at a time and in a couple of years know what works for you.
Whenever someone asks what special thing I do to stay this healthy, i tell them I laugh. Sincerely I am not on any diet at all, I don’t do anything special, and I want my life to be as normal as any other person my age. I just stay happy and laugh out a lot even at my own problems (which I have started viewing as opportunities).I believe laughter is the best medicine and I indulge in it a lot.
I believe in living my life to full potential….more like eating the ice-cream before it melts away. That has worked for me. Whatever situation you are in. Find what works for you.
Friday, May 23, 2008
LOST IN THE SHADOWS
If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advise for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look at it squarely in the eye and say, “I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.” –Ann Landers.
Last year I met Alice through a long term friend of mine. Afterwards she kept calling and coming to our office because she really wanted to talk to me. I thought that because she was saved and so much into the church she wanted to preach ‘the word’ to me and probably tell me I can get healing if only I got saved and stuff like that. I have met a lot of people who tell me stuff like that or maybe offer herbal medicines that could cure my ‘disease.’ I politely say thank you and smile at their offers of help but believe me most of the time I am seething inside.
I try to avoid such talk as much as I can so for about two months I avoided Alice as much as I could. She was persistent though, so much till I gave in. So we met at my house on 24th of Dec last year. I couldn’t get myself busy so I don’t meet her; we had closed office for the holidays. After talking to her though I felt stupid and wished I had agreed to meet her sooner.
Alice and her fiancé were planning to get married and were about to formalize their engagement. He proposed at the beginning of the year and she had a beautiful ring on her finger. He was getting ready to go and ‘rashia’ (pay dowry) to Alice’s parents but they though it best to go to the VCT for a HIV test.
Antony tested positive for HIV and Alice negative. They weren’t intimate yet even after dating for three years; she wanted to wait till they were married (Alice is a much respected member of her church).
My first reaction to all this was shock. I expected a lecture from the scriptures. Well we talked a lot and have been friend ever since. The guy was devastated at the time and I tried to reassure her that that was normal. I told her about the youth group we intended to start for HIV + youth and asked her to tell him to come. It would help to talk about it I thought.
Three months down the line, Antony who was in his internship year at medical school had been in and out of hospital a number of times because of depression. Alice begged him to come and meet me or any person living with HIV so that he could draw strength from our positive lives and get out of his darkness but he couldn’t hear of it. He started drinking too much. I couldn’t take what this was doing to Alice anymore, it’s like she was HIV+ herself.
I know its hard(been there) at first to learn you are HIV+ but I believe it requires inner strength to get out of the dark hole this news drops you into. The longer you grieve the more you affect those around you. No one wants to be around negative people so you will definitely lose friends, your job and even family not even because they know your HIV+ status.
Alice was in my office yesterday and after our usual chat about everything she goes like,
“By the way my ex passed away.”
“What ex? When?” I ask. I had no idea they had broken up.
“He died on Friday and I think he committed suicide.” She explains.
“I am so sorry.” I say because I wouldn’t even begin to understand what she was going through. We talk for awhile and then I she left.
I am sad for Alice- this is something she wont forget in a while, I am sad for Antony’s family but a large part of me is sad at what Antony may have let himself go through before he decided to end his life. Testing HIV+ is hard. Its probably the hardest thing that ever happened to my life so far, the first few days are confusing and full of pain but as Stephen King once said,
“Time takes it all. Whether you want it or not, time takes it all away, times bares it away; and in the end there is only and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we leave them there again.
Last year I met Alice through a long term friend of mine. Afterwards she kept calling and coming to our office because she really wanted to talk to me. I thought that because she was saved and so much into the church she wanted to preach ‘the word’ to me and probably tell me I can get healing if only I got saved and stuff like that. I have met a lot of people who tell me stuff like that or maybe offer herbal medicines that could cure my ‘disease.’ I politely say thank you and smile at their offers of help but believe me most of the time I am seething inside.
I try to avoid such talk as much as I can so for about two months I avoided Alice as much as I could. She was persistent though, so much till I gave in. So we met at my house on 24th of Dec last year. I couldn’t get myself busy so I don’t meet her; we had closed office for the holidays. After talking to her though I felt stupid and wished I had agreed to meet her sooner.
Alice and her fiancé were planning to get married and were about to formalize their engagement. He proposed at the beginning of the year and she had a beautiful ring on her finger. He was getting ready to go and ‘rashia’ (pay dowry) to Alice’s parents but they though it best to go to the VCT for a HIV test.
Antony tested positive for HIV and Alice negative. They weren’t intimate yet even after dating for three years; she wanted to wait till they were married (Alice is a much respected member of her church).
My first reaction to all this was shock. I expected a lecture from the scriptures. Well we talked a lot and have been friend ever since. The guy was devastated at the time and I tried to reassure her that that was normal. I told her about the youth group we intended to start for HIV + youth and asked her to tell him to come. It would help to talk about it I thought.
Three months down the line, Antony who was in his internship year at medical school had been in and out of hospital a number of times because of depression. Alice begged him to come and meet me or any person living with HIV so that he could draw strength from our positive lives and get out of his darkness but he couldn’t hear of it. He started drinking too much. I couldn’t take what this was doing to Alice anymore, it’s like she was HIV+ herself.
I know its hard(been there) at first to learn you are HIV+ but I believe it requires inner strength to get out of the dark hole this news drops you into. The longer you grieve the more you affect those around you. No one wants to be around negative people so you will definitely lose friends, your job and even family not even because they know your HIV+ status.
Alice was in my office yesterday and after our usual chat about everything she goes like,
“By the way my ex passed away.”
“What ex? When?” I ask. I had no idea they had broken up.
“He died on Friday and I think he committed suicide.” She explains.
“I am so sorry.” I say because I wouldn’t even begin to understand what she was going through. We talk for awhile and then I she left.
I am sad for Alice- this is something she wont forget in a while, I am sad for Antony’s family but a large part of me is sad at what Antony may have let himself go through before he decided to end his life. Testing HIV+ is hard. Its probably the hardest thing that ever happened to my life so far, the first few days are confusing and full of pain but as Stephen King once said,
“Time takes it all. Whether you want it or not, time takes it all away, times bares it away; and in the end there is only and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we leave them there again.
Monday, May 19, 2008
GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD
Last Sunday; 18th May 2008 the HIV world celebrated ‘candle light memorial’.
This is an international event marked every 3rd Sunday of May to remember those of us who have died due to complications of AIDS.
This was my first candle light celebration and, I was in charge of preparing for the event that my organization wanted to take place in Muranga.
So without putting much thought to the fact that I probably lacked experience for this sort of thing, I accepted the challenge sourcing as much information as possible to ensure I didn’t disappoint my boss.
We planed to have a memorial service at a church in Muranga;allow me to digress.
Muranga is home to our children’s home. This foster care is home to children orphaned by AIDS, majority of whom are HIV positive themselves.
I thought it best to have the memorial service there so they will all be able to attend.
Back to Sunday, all of us were up early and we managed to get to Muranga a couple of minutes before ‘our mass’. I was busy taking videos and pictures for the office is sort of went about the mass like an outsider.Besides the service was in Kikuyu and …well I didn’t understand a thing. Right after the service though, when we took over the event, something changed.
We had poems and testimonies from the children and halfway through it I was teary. As those kids narrated their poems I couldn’t help wondering if that would be my son some day.
What I hate most about my HIV status is the fact that if I die, my kid remains an orphan…not a normal orphan but joins the statistics of those kids orphaned by AIDS. I couldn’t stop the tears and as I looked around, most of us were crying too.
Watching the kids was heartbreaking. I just couldn’t stop thinking about my son.I don’t want him crying like this someday…not if I can help it.
I know God is the giver of life and I know I will die someday but if I can help it I will try as much as possible to ensure that my son has the happiest memories of me; even with this virus in my body. I will do as the doctor says; I will light the candle within me and spread its light to as many as I can reach. I will live a very positive life.
We lit candles in memory of those who had left us and wrote our messages on a piece of white cloth.Some wrote messages to their parents, others to their siblings, others yet to their friends. The content of the messages were varied; but one thing was common. We all miss them.
This years message was Never give up, never forget.
This is a two pronged message asking us not to forget those who have gone ahead of us, not to forget all the things we have learnt from HIV&AIDS in our lives, not to forget to protect ourselves from getting the virus and not to give up in the response on the fight against HIV&AIDS.
For me this message is all wrapped up in a song by Chris rice that we all sang as we lit and held high our candles.
GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD-Chris Rice
There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning,some dark and cold
There is a spirit who brings a fire
Ignites a candle, and makes his home
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, confused and torn
And hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
Frustrated brother,
see how he's tried toLight his own candle some other way
See now your sister she's been robbedand lied to
Still holds a candle, without a flame
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn
hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
we are a familyWhose hearts are blazing
So lets raise our candles and light up the sky
Praying to our Father in the name of Jesus
Make us a beacon in darkest times
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, deceived and worn
Hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
You may have not been with us on that day but you can go light your world with the resources you have. Remember we cannot be able to everything but can take pleasure in the little that we do with all our heart and love.
This is an international event marked every 3rd Sunday of May to remember those of us who have died due to complications of AIDS.
This was my first candle light celebration and, I was in charge of preparing for the event that my organization wanted to take place in Muranga.
So without putting much thought to the fact that I probably lacked experience for this sort of thing, I accepted the challenge sourcing as much information as possible to ensure I didn’t disappoint my boss.
We planed to have a memorial service at a church in Muranga;allow me to digress.
Muranga is home to our children’s home. This foster care is home to children orphaned by AIDS, majority of whom are HIV positive themselves.
I thought it best to have the memorial service there so they will all be able to attend.
Back to Sunday, all of us were up early and we managed to get to Muranga a couple of minutes before ‘our mass’. I was busy taking videos and pictures for the office is sort of went about the mass like an outsider.Besides the service was in Kikuyu and …well I didn’t understand a thing. Right after the service though, when we took over the event, something changed.
We had poems and testimonies from the children and halfway through it I was teary. As those kids narrated their poems I couldn’t help wondering if that would be my son some day.
What I hate most about my HIV status is the fact that if I die, my kid remains an orphan…not a normal orphan but joins the statistics of those kids orphaned by AIDS. I couldn’t stop the tears and as I looked around, most of us were crying too.
Watching the kids was heartbreaking. I just couldn’t stop thinking about my son.I don’t want him crying like this someday…not if I can help it.
I know God is the giver of life and I know I will die someday but if I can help it I will try as much as possible to ensure that my son has the happiest memories of me; even with this virus in my body. I will do as the doctor says; I will light the candle within me and spread its light to as many as I can reach. I will live a very positive life.
We lit candles in memory of those who had left us and wrote our messages on a piece of white cloth.Some wrote messages to their parents, others to their siblings, others yet to their friends. The content of the messages were varied; but one thing was common. We all miss them.
This years message was Never give up, never forget.
This is a two pronged message asking us not to forget those who have gone ahead of us, not to forget all the things we have learnt from HIV&AIDS in our lives, not to forget to protect ourselves from getting the virus and not to give up in the response on the fight against HIV&AIDS.
For me this message is all wrapped up in a song by Chris rice that we all sang as we lit and held high our candles.
GO LIGHT YOUR WORLD-Chris Rice
There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning,some dark and cold
There is a spirit who brings a fire
Ignites a candle, and makes his home
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, confused and torn
And hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
Frustrated brother,
see how he's tried toLight his own candle some other way
See now your sister she's been robbedand lied to
Still holds a candle, without a flame
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn
hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
we are a familyWhose hearts are blazing
So lets raise our candles and light up the sky
Praying to our Father in the name of Jesus
Make us a beacon in darkest times
Carry your candleRun to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, deceived and worn
Hold out your candleFor all to see it
Take your candle and go light your world
Take your candle and go light your world
You may have not been with us on that day but you can go light your world with the resources you have. Remember we cannot be able to everything but can take pleasure in the little that we do with all our heart and love.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
LIVE LIFE; Get out of the shadow.
It’s about 8.30pm and I am still stuck in the office….long story. Taking a break to talk about my day. Well……lets see.
I am kind of thinking of what my life would be like if I was married. I would leave work in another half hour to go home to a family (Husband and kid-s).
Tired as I am right now, I will have to deal with baby stuff, and then ensure my husband has had his dinner and a warm bath. Sort out the following day’s issues with the house help before I go to ‘our bedroom’.
I am about to get into bed and my husband gives me ‘the look’. He wants me. As much as I feel good to be desired, I would be moaning inside because I am too tired to even fake it this time round.
Mmmm I think I would quickly reach out for the ‘ugly black stocking’ that men confess to hate so much. Maybe that would turn him off and get him off my back for a while or better still he could sneak into our maid’s room and I get to find out and lose it….ah! Weird thoughts.
Before anyone thinks I am one of those anti-men women, I totally like men. They are better hang out pals and make very good true friends. I think a lot changes though once they share a bed with you and sex happens.
Today I got an email from a woman whose brother just got tested for HIV about three or so months ago. Her brother has only told her and their mother about his HIV positive status. He isn’t comfortable with anyone else in their family knowing just yet because he is scared of the way they will treat him once they find out. Well Dorothy’s brother isn’t on ARV’s yet but takes septrin tablets and tries as much as he can to go on with his life.
Last night Dorothy’s brother came home to visit and he has a cough or a cold or something like that. Her daughter who adores her uncle was all over him playing with him and clinging to him all the time.
Her concern was whether her brother could transmit the virus to her daughter because he was coughing and sometimes holding her too close.
My first reaction to this email was pain, then anger. I wondered where this woman had been in the last decade to even think those kinds of things. The first anti stigma and discrimination messages were all about ‘you can’t get HIV through touching and kissing and sharing utensils….’
I almost didn’t write back because I kept putting myself in her brothers shoes and thinking how crushed I would be if I found out that’s what she thought.
Last year my friend Betty’s sister Candy came back from the states where she lives to visit, she came with her 9 month old baby. We were fine and I was sort of giving her tips on how to take care of her baby-seeing as I was once a young confused mum-. We cooed at the baby and I even fed her. Well that was before Betty told her sister about my HIV status behind my back. To date I really don’t know what she said because I never got any close to that child ever. As soon as I got to the house, the baby would be whisked upstairs. I never even noticed anything strange until their house help pointed it out to me. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even cry.
That should explain my initial feelings I guess, I was sort of taken back to that time and how hurt I was.
Being in this situation has taught me how to at people and situations objectively. So I put myself in Dorothy’s shoes. Tried to rationalize her fears. Well she was just doing what any mother would do, worry about the safety of her child who she loves more than anyone in the entire world. I bet she was kind of torn between hurting her brother’s feelings and being a mum. Maybe that’s why she wrote to us. She didn’t need for me to be angry with her; she needed information and had reached out to people like her bro to get it.
So I replied to her mail giving instances where transmission of HIV can occur, reassuring her that as far as I know the only virus her daughter was exposed to at the time was the one for flu. And I encouraged her to make time to come and spend some time with some of our members and kids. I am hoping she will learn a lot about people living with HIV (PLHIV) when she hangs out with us.
I believe that the reason why most people shun and stigmatise people living with HIV is fear and lack of information. We blame people for what happens to us yet we do nothing to change the situation.
Maybe what we HIV+ people need to do is stand up and do our part in putting a face to positive living instead of hiding in the shadows all the time. Then maybe people wouldn't need to be so scared of us.
I am kind of thinking of what my life would be like if I was married. I would leave work in another half hour to go home to a family (Husband and kid-s).
Tired as I am right now, I will have to deal with baby stuff, and then ensure my husband has had his dinner and a warm bath. Sort out the following day’s issues with the house help before I go to ‘our bedroom’.
I am about to get into bed and my husband gives me ‘the look’. He wants me. As much as I feel good to be desired, I would be moaning inside because I am too tired to even fake it this time round.
Mmmm I think I would quickly reach out for the ‘ugly black stocking’ that men confess to hate so much. Maybe that would turn him off and get him off my back for a while or better still he could sneak into our maid’s room and I get to find out and lose it….ah! Weird thoughts.
Before anyone thinks I am one of those anti-men women, I totally like men. They are better hang out pals and make very good true friends. I think a lot changes though once they share a bed with you and sex happens.
Today I got an email from a woman whose brother just got tested for HIV about three or so months ago. Her brother has only told her and their mother about his HIV positive status. He isn’t comfortable with anyone else in their family knowing just yet because he is scared of the way they will treat him once they find out. Well Dorothy’s brother isn’t on ARV’s yet but takes septrin tablets and tries as much as he can to go on with his life.
Last night Dorothy’s brother came home to visit and he has a cough or a cold or something like that. Her daughter who adores her uncle was all over him playing with him and clinging to him all the time.
Her concern was whether her brother could transmit the virus to her daughter because he was coughing and sometimes holding her too close.
My first reaction to this email was pain, then anger. I wondered where this woman had been in the last decade to even think those kinds of things. The first anti stigma and discrimination messages were all about ‘you can’t get HIV through touching and kissing and sharing utensils….’
I almost didn’t write back because I kept putting myself in her brothers shoes and thinking how crushed I would be if I found out that’s what she thought.
Last year my friend Betty’s sister Candy came back from the states where she lives to visit, she came with her 9 month old baby. We were fine and I was sort of giving her tips on how to take care of her baby-seeing as I was once a young confused mum-. We cooed at the baby and I even fed her. Well that was before Betty told her sister about my HIV status behind my back. To date I really don’t know what she said because I never got any close to that child ever. As soon as I got to the house, the baby would be whisked upstairs. I never even noticed anything strange until their house help pointed it out to me. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even cry.
That should explain my initial feelings I guess, I was sort of taken back to that time and how hurt I was.
Being in this situation has taught me how to at people and situations objectively. So I put myself in Dorothy’s shoes. Tried to rationalize her fears. Well she was just doing what any mother would do, worry about the safety of her child who she loves more than anyone in the entire world. I bet she was kind of torn between hurting her brother’s feelings and being a mum. Maybe that’s why she wrote to us. She didn’t need for me to be angry with her; she needed information and had reached out to people like her bro to get it.
So I replied to her mail giving instances where transmission of HIV can occur, reassuring her that as far as I know the only virus her daughter was exposed to at the time was the one for flu. And I encouraged her to make time to come and spend some time with some of our members and kids. I am hoping she will learn a lot about people living with HIV (PLHIV) when she hangs out with us.
I believe that the reason why most people shun and stigmatise people living with HIV is fear and lack of information. We blame people for what happens to us yet we do nothing to change the situation.
Maybe what we HIV+ people need to do is stand up and do our part in putting a face to positive living instead of hiding in the shadows all the time. Then maybe people wouldn't need to be so scared of us.
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