I have been around enough jerks in my short life that I believe nothing about a man can shock me. Women? Not so much. I have more guy friends than I have women friends so I never really know much about what they are capable of. So that explains why I am honestly shocked by this particular woman.
My friend Mike and I go a long way back. The guy has been with me through mud and dirt, he is a nice guy….well not in every sense, he has a number of bad boy habits to his ratings but in general he is a nice guy. He is cute too. Tall and dark and his chest!!(I’m the chest girl) I mean, I’d probably be dating him if he didn’t get into the friendship basket.
Mike came over for a visit yesterday. He wanted us to go have a drink, I was tempted to say yes but I have an irritating cough that I need to get rid of before the weekend so I can’t drink. We stay home to catch up and for next hour or so my friend talks about nothing else but his girlfriend Fiona.
Fiona and Mike have been dating for two years now. She lives in Mombasa. Mike works and stays in Nairobi. Mike pays for the house she stays in, started a salon business for her and apparently has been making lifelong plans with her. She was to be his wife, mother of his kids and he trusted that their love would take all the challenges of the long distance relationship.
That wasn’t to be for as we sat in my house drinking coffee, Fiona was getting married to some Rich business man at the South coast.
Okay I have been around heartbroken women, I know the drill, we meet up a couple of friends for support then head to the ‘victims house’. We would call the bastard names, perhaps trying to convince our friend that she is better off without him. Binge on chocolate, ice cream, or wine as we rip off the bastard’s clothes and pictures. Sometimes we’d listen to ‘girl power.’ songs like ‘heartbreak hotel by witney Houston. Breakup parties are weird but fun. This is (on most occasions) the time that you get sooooo high and kiss the girl next to you. Perfectly normal seeing as we are hating on men the whole night (I read that from the net)
I however do not know how to deal with a heartbroken man, we can’t call this woman names because he thinks he understands why she chose the other guy over him. : I think he has more money than I do and well he is closer to her.” He tries rationalizing her actions
“Maybe I should have visited her more often.” He goes on. I want to scream. I am of course not allowed to say anything even as profanities build up in my head. So i nod and pretend to understand.
Crap! I don’t understand how a woman I met in October for three weeks, lived with my friend for three weeks, made plans with him for three weeks; goes off and gets married to some other guy a week later needs to be excused. That’s a mad woman. I don’t care if the guy is Donald trump or if his sex is great. There are afew things about being a polished and refined woman. And those are the women men need to marry. I am a bad girl but even I know the limits.
Women of grace don’t behave that way. Women of grace break up with guy number one then date guy number two. That way there are no issues when you decide to marry him.
Unless of course from the word go it’s clear to both of you that the relationship is about sex and fun. Then that’s a whole different script. That’s why they are called ‘open relationships’….there are no rules.
A small part of me feels sad for Mike, a big part is relieved he didn’t end up with this woman. God knows what levels of betrayal she is capable of. I am kind of sorry for ‘Coasto Donald trump’. I will bet alcohol for the next year that this guy will be raising a kid or two that aren’t his. And that my friend is why you shouldn’t marry a woman without a conscience!
*Names have been changed.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
MUMMY NEVER SAID THERE WILL BE DAYS LIKE THIS
My mum, I must admit prepared me for every worse case scenario this world would throw at my feet. After all she took me to boarding school at age seven and from that early age I did learn how to fend for myself, to fight for the little resources available and to make myself heard. I mean I knew from a very early age that I couldn't physically fight, most of the girls I got into fights with always left me crying like a baby and wishing I was at home under the comforts of my daddy’s obsessive care. So I learnt how to fight with my words and my brains. Used to work perfectly fine…still does.
I believe my up bringing has made me the open minded person that I am today. Like I don’t think I shock easily at people’s revelations. I don’t sneer at what the society considers ‘immoral’. In fact I totally believe in freedom of expression. So long as what you are doing doesn’t hurt me or someone else then well you are free to indulge in it. What I tell people all the time is whatever choices we make come will a whole basket of responsibilities.
Something interesting did happen today. I am actually left wondering where I range in the ‘open minded people index’.
I got a visit from some lady today afternoon. Very pretty girl by the way. She wanted someone to talk to about HIV and stuff like that. We close the door to my office and chit chat about HIV and the need to go for the test and create awareness on the issue.
“You must take the test very often.” She says
“Why would you think that?’ I ask
“Because you work here and have access to the testing site all the time.” She replies laughing.
“Well, I don’t go for the test often, I went for it once and didn't need to do it again.” I reply.
Then we talk about me and HIV for a while. Grace (that’s what we will call her) tells me she would like to volunteer with us.
I tell her about our volunteer policy and that we don’t take people in the last quarter of the year because normally we are too busy to train people.
“How about you bring us your papers and we cal you first thing next year.” I suggest.
I notice she is getting uncomfortable and ask why. I wish I didn't ask because I don’t think anything prepared me for Grace’s revelation
Grace is a guy. As in completely dude dick, hairy chest and all. He just likes to dress up like a woman and be one. The closest I have been to some woman trapped in a guy’s body in on Tyra banks show. I didn't know what to say and for a moment I just kept staring at him/her.
He is a final year student and would really like for an opportunity to do his internship with us. He has been to other organizations but no one wants him there. He chose to come to us because he knows we fight stigma and discrimination.
“Please bring your papers tomorrow and lets see how we can help.” I say when I find my voice.
I honestly don’t know how best I will be of help to this guy; I don’t even know if I could. One things for sure. No one told me there would be a day like this!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I'M EVERY WOMAN............
Today I am being such a woman. I am throwing tantrums, feeling insecure, speaking at the top of my voice and I actually tried sneering! Why? I don’t know. All I know is I’m having such a good time doing it.
Speaking of good times, I did turn into a ‘Stella’ last weekend and ‘got my grove back.’ I’m still amazed at what a hermit I have been. I am always busy looking out for other people and between work, my son, my sisters and the long list of sisters in my support group my day is full.
I have no time for anything else.
That was until I got this offer from someone to reach out for strength whenever I needed it.
“Other guys come to you and then you can come dump it one us.” they said. Of course at first I viewed the offer with a lot of skeptism. People normally don’t call me with offers of strength but to ask it from me. After a couple of days i thought to myself "why not?"
I decided to forget everyone and think about me and for a whole week that’s what I did. I was shocked at how much I haven’t done this year. I will not even give a time frame for the sex fast; I haven’t gone out on a date or done any crazy thing this year. We are in October and the most I’ve done is getting wasted with my girlfriends. That’s not very nice.
Took a trip last weekend to find fun and adventure and I found that and more. I enjoyed every moment of someone taking care of me for a change. It was nice not to pick any calls that are HIV+ related for a change, I had fun just hanging out with people who didn’t know who I was and if I had the virus. I totally had fun.
Most of all I discovered what fun it was to be a woman, to listen to someone take charge for a change, even when they aren’t always right. To make plans with someone, To have someone look at me; and not see a 'strong' woman but a 'hot sexy' one. This was the highlight of my weekend.
Glad to know that beneath the tough 'miss have it together' exterior lies a passionate, warm WOMAN!
Speaking of good times, I did turn into a ‘Stella’ last weekend and ‘got my grove back.’ I’m still amazed at what a hermit I have been. I am always busy looking out for other people and between work, my son, my sisters and the long list of sisters in my support group my day is full.
I have no time for anything else.
That was until I got this offer from someone to reach out for strength whenever I needed it.
“Other guys come to you and then you can come dump it one us.” they said. Of course at first I viewed the offer with a lot of skeptism. People normally don’t call me with offers of strength but to ask it from me. After a couple of days i thought to myself "why not?"
I decided to forget everyone and think about me and for a whole week that’s what I did. I was shocked at how much I haven’t done this year. I will not even give a time frame for the sex fast; I haven’t gone out on a date or done any crazy thing this year. We are in October and the most I’ve done is getting wasted with my girlfriends. That’s not very nice.
Took a trip last weekend to find fun and adventure and I found that and more. I enjoyed every moment of someone taking care of me for a change. It was nice not to pick any calls that are HIV+ related for a change, I had fun just hanging out with people who didn’t know who I was and if I had the virus. I totally had fun.
Most of all I discovered what fun it was to be a woman, to listen to someone take charge for a change, even when they aren’t always right. To make plans with someone, To have someone look at me; and not see a 'strong' woman but a 'hot sexy' one. This was the highlight of my weekend.
Glad to know that beneath the tough 'miss have it together' exterior lies a passionate, warm WOMAN!
TRICKY SITUATIONS.
Mary and I go way back. We both went to the same primary and high school. Her mother was a singe mum and so hot most of us secretly wished she was our mum. Well now that I am fully grown and a single mum I think so highly of her.
Last week I got a call from Mary at night, I didn’t have her number before so when she told me who she was I was excited. “Hie nyako how have you been?” I asked excited
“Flo I need to talk to you.” She replies, no laughter in her voice.
I get that dreadful feeling knowing fully well what this call and meeting is all about. I get these calls everyday but it’s different when it’s someone I know. I ask her to come over the following day.
She did come home on Sunday, she actually woke me up. We close the door to my room and she starts crying. She has been crying since Friday she says as she gives me a piece of paper.
I look at it and it’s the paper that has her results on it. My friend is HIV positive. I let her cry for a while.
“Does your husband know?” I ask
“No, I haven’t told him yet” she replies
“What made you take the test?” I inquire because normally couples are advised to go for couples counseling and then testing.
“I have been so sick in the last three months so my doctor suggested it.” She tells me amid sobs.
Mary is worries at how to tell her husband about her status. I know a lot of women who are in this situation. Most of them fear that the guys will accuse them of being promiscuous, or walk away; some get beaten up both physically and emotionally. This makes most women just go quiet and secretly waste away.
“You have to tell him sweetie,” I try to make her see sense.
“How is your relationship with him?” I ask
“We don’t talk much, he comes home at 2am in the morning and I mostly just sulk.” She says.
“Does he drink?” I ask
“No” she replies and I question what a man who doesn’t drink would be doing out till 2am. Mary doesn’t know, she also doesn’t know exactly what her husband does. He goes out of town for work and can stay away for as long as two weeks.
I insist that she tells her husband however difficult it may be for her. Mary has a child from a previous relationship and is sort of wishing that her husband would just leave.
“I wish he tests negative and then leaves us alone.” She says
“You are just saying that because you are angry.” I say
“No Flo, I was leaving him. My mum insisted I stay but I am so fed up.”
I help Mary to get admission at my clinic on Monday and she calls me to tell me she is fine and will be talking to her husband in a bit. A big part of me was so sure that this will just be a normal case of couples finding out they are both HIV+
I wasn’t prepared for Mary’s call on Wednesday evening. “Flo I am in deep shit.” She says
“Why?” I ask concerned.
“I just came home to find my husbands test results on my dressing table.” She explains
“Ehe?”
“He is HIV negative. How can that be?” she starts to cry again.
“You need to compose your self my dear.” I reply as I explain how normal it is to have discordant couples. I tell her to brace herself because there will be accusations when her husband comes home.
“If you need help talking to me, please let me know okay?” I say. We talk some more and hang up with Mary composed enough.
Later on that night I wondered what I’d do if I was in her shoes. How do you explain to a difficult Luo man how you test HIV+ and he doesn’t after living with him for two years? You need a Houdini act to get out of this one. I definitely don’t want to be in those shoes.
Last week I got a call from Mary at night, I didn’t have her number before so when she told me who she was I was excited. “Hie nyako how have you been?” I asked excited
“Flo I need to talk to you.” She replies, no laughter in her voice.
I get that dreadful feeling knowing fully well what this call and meeting is all about. I get these calls everyday but it’s different when it’s someone I know. I ask her to come over the following day.
She did come home on Sunday, she actually woke me up. We close the door to my room and she starts crying. She has been crying since Friday she says as she gives me a piece of paper.
I look at it and it’s the paper that has her results on it. My friend is HIV positive. I let her cry for a while.
“Does your husband know?” I ask
“No, I haven’t told him yet” she replies
“What made you take the test?” I inquire because normally couples are advised to go for couples counseling and then testing.
“I have been so sick in the last three months so my doctor suggested it.” She tells me amid sobs.
Mary is worries at how to tell her husband about her status. I know a lot of women who are in this situation. Most of them fear that the guys will accuse them of being promiscuous, or walk away; some get beaten up both physically and emotionally. This makes most women just go quiet and secretly waste away.
“You have to tell him sweetie,” I try to make her see sense.
“How is your relationship with him?” I ask
“We don’t talk much, he comes home at 2am in the morning and I mostly just sulk.” She says.
“Does he drink?” I ask
“No” she replies and I question what a man who doesn’t drink would be doing out till 2am. Mary doesn’t know, she also doesn’t know exactly what her husband does. He goes out of town for work and can stay away for as long as two weeks.
I insist that she tells her husband however difficult it may be for her. Mary has a child from a previous relationship and is sort of wishing that her husband would just leave.
“I wish he tests negative and then leaves us alone.” She says
“You are just saying that because you are angry.” I say
“No Flo, I was leaving him. My mum insisted I stay but I am so fed up.”
I help Mary to get admission at my clinic on Monday and she calls me to tell me she is fine and will be talking to her husband in a bit. A big part of me was so sure that this will just be a normal case of couples finding out they are both HIV+
I wasn’t prepared for Mary’s call on Wednesday evening. “Flo I am in deep shit.” She says
“Why?” I ask concerned.
“I just came home to find my husbands test results on my dressing table.” She explains
“Ehe?”
“He is HIV negative. How can that be?” she starts to cry again.
“You need to compose your self my dear.” I reply as I explain how normal it is to have discordant couples. I tell her to brace herself because there will be accusations when her husband comes home.
“If you need help talking to me, please let me know okay?” I say. We talk some more and hang up with Mary composed enough.
Later on that night I wondered what I’d do if I was in her shoes. How do you explain to a difficult Luo man how you test HIV+ and he doesn’t after living with him for two years? You need a Houdini act to get out of this one. I definitely don’t want to be in those shoes.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
MUMMY WHERE IS DADDY.
Every single mother dreads when their children will grow up and ask this question. I am no different.
I have seen my son transition from the young innocent baby who didn’t even know what it means to have a father to a now much grown, smart little guy who knows he deserves explanations on where his father is.
“Mummy how come I don’t have a father?” he asked me one evening when I got home from work. I was shocked, didn’t know what to say for a moment and almost gave my signature answer to all the questions I don’t want to answer
I decided to be honest with him. I have been honest with my son since he came home to me at the beginning of this year; we talk about everything, from HIV, to girls, to the little hairs on his penis. I didn’t want to lie, lose his trust.
“You have a father sweetie,” I try to explain
“Where is he?” he asks
I explain a little about how all babies have mummies and daddies and that I had him when I was very young and in school so his dad and I couldn’t get married. I then tell him that a couple of years later I found out that his dad had passed away.
“You don’t have to feel sad though, he never even saw you.” I say.
“Okay.” He replies without any feelings.
“Can you get me another daddy?” he goes on
“What?” I ask shocked.
“You can find me another daddy can’t you?” he persists.
At this point I have nothing to say. I have been putting off relationships and men from my mind for longer than I can imagine. I just assumed things would stay that way. Most of my time is spent at work or doing stuff to try and pay all my bills and ensure my son and sisters have the best of what they need. Men and daddies don’t quite feature in my plans.
“Why would you want me to look for a dad?” I ask
“Because he will buy me stuff.” He answers after a while
“What stuff would he buy for you that I wouldn’t?” I ask puzzled. He smiles.
I remind him that I buy him everything that he asks me to, well those that make sense for me to buy. I pay all his fees so he doesn’t get asked to go home from school.
“You are the best mummy, other people have dads and mums but they don’t even pay all their fees.” He says and runs off to go play.
I hope this rests for now. I keep having nightmares that my son will get to class four and be asked by his teacher to write a composition titled “tell us about your father.” He would not be able to do his class work and probably throw tantrums. I don’t know how I will deal with that but in the mean time, I’m just going to love him like crazy and hope he is happy and content with that.
I have seen my son transition from the young innocent baby who didn’t even know what it means to have a father to a now much grown, smart little guy who knows he deserves explanations on where his father is.
“Mummy how come I don’t have a father?” he asked me one evening when I got home from work. I was shocked, didn’t know what to say for a moment and almost gave my signature answer to all the questions I don’t want to answer
I decided to be honest with him. I have been honest with my son since he came home to me at the beginning of this year; we talk about everything, from HIV, to girls, to the little hairs on his penis. I didn’t want to lie, lose his trust.
“You have a father sweetie,” I try to explain
“Where is he?” he asks
I explain a little about how all babies have mummies and daddies and that I had him when I was very young and in school so his dad and I couldn’t get married. I then tell him that a couple of years later I found out that his dad had passed away.
“You don’t have to feel sad though, he never even saw you.” I say.
“Okay.” He replies without any feelings.
“Can you get me another daddy?” he goes on
“What?” I ask shocked.
“You can find me another daddy can’t you?” he persists.
At this point I have nothing to say. I have been putting off relationships and men from my mind for longer than I can imagine. I just assumed things would stay that way. Most of my time is spent at work or doing stuff to try and pay all my bills and ensure my son and sisters have the best of what they need. Men and daddies don’t quite feature in my plans.
“Why would you want me to look for a dad?” I ask
“Because he will buy me stuff.” He answers after a while
“What stuff would he buy for you that I wouldn’t?” I ask puzzled. He smiles.
I remind him that I buy him everything that he asks me to, well those that make sense for me to buy. I pay all his fees so he doesn’t get asked to go home from school.
“You are the best mummy, other people have dads and mums but they don’t even pay all their fees.” He says and runs off to go play.
I hope this rests for now. I keep having nightmares that my son will get to class four and be asked by his teacher to write a composition titled “tell us about your father.” He would not be able to do his class work and probably throw tantrums. I don’t know how I will deal with that but in the mean time, I’m just going to love him like crazy and hope he is happy and content with that.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
RELIGIOUS OR HUMAN
"I have no doubt about it that [if] Jesus were here today, he'd be hanging out with people who have HIV/AIDS," he said on CNN. "There's no doubt in my mind about that because they are the lepers of the 21st century." Rick Warren, pastor and author of The Purpose-Driven Life.
I don’t frequent the church and have often wondered why i am lethargic most Sundays. I went to Boarding school so young, and this being a catholic school we were expected to be up early to attend morning mass. I was seven years at the time; I didn’t understand why we had to wake up so early or why we had to chant prayers every evening before bed. Before long, I viewed going to church as one of the boring school activities and sometimes punishment.
Every time I could go confess my sins, depending on how big or small they were(that is what I thought at the time) I would be asked to say as many as 50hail Mary’s to seek penance for my sins. Out of school and everything that was routine. Well once in a while I would religiously go to church but then at some point wasn’t so enthusiastic about it.
I am not a saint, I tell that to people all the time, in fact I clarify that I am not very religious. I have a relationship with God (though I know some will argue that this isn’t possible if I don’t go to church) and I have hope and faith. I believe in doing Good things to people, giving hope and being able to sleep at night knowing very well I put a smile on someone’s face.
I think this is the reason I am surrounded by friends who are religious (Saved) and even hold positions of office in their various churches. We respect each others opinion and that works just fine. One of these people is Catherine. Allow me to Digress
I wrote about Catherine a couple of Months ago. She was so sick at the time and we all thought she would die. Catherine was pregnant and dumped by the father of her baby. She stressed about it and got so sick she was in and out of hospital. Well she did have her baby-prematurely. She lost the baby five days later and was so devastated. She is okay now and going through counseling to help her cope with her loses.
Catherine and I have long talks all the time. Any person living with this virus openly will tell you how much talking about our issues head on is therapeutic. So today Catherine wanted to talk and as I let her into my office and closed the door, I saw tears in her eyes. I expected her to talk about the baby or her stupid ex but that’s not what is bugging her today.
Catherine feels pained by the actions or lack of them from her church through out her darkest and lowest moment. She confided in her ‘cell leader’ about being pregnant and the man leaving her.
“I could see from her eyes that she wasn’t happy.” she sadly remembers. After a lot of soul-searching and of course tears Catherine stepped down from her position in the church. “I didn’t want them to tell me to step down.” She says
“Last Sunday when I went to church, my cell members were all greeting me full of smiles and telling me they are sorry about me being sick.” Catherine has tears in her eyes now.
All Catherine would silently ask herself was “what did you guys do when you found out I was sick?” no body mentioned about her baby and I guess this was a taboo topic of discussion.
A long lecture from her cell leader is what’s bugging my friend the most. This leader believes that Catherine isn’t sick for no reason but because “she left Gods path and was being punished for it.” Then she implied that the baby dying was sort of justified because this wasn’t God’s child. God’s children are born within marriages I guess.
I am not religious but I know damn well what being human is. I guess most of what the religious books that we read (regardless of our religions) do is to teach us how to be humane. Being humane asks this of us; to be kindhearted and compassionate and loving. It’s empathizing with someone and offering a helping hand even if that person is a total stranger.
I don’t know what happens in cell groups but I guess it wouldn’t be different from what happens in my support group. People meeting once in a while to learn from each other and constantly watch out for each other. Catherine has been in this church for close to a decade and she doesn’t even get a text message to acknowledge her pain. How mean are these people?
I have seen this girl go through worse times in the last few months. This is the time she needed all her friends. I have seen all of us (most who don’t even go to any church) do everything in our power to get her all the help (medical or otherwise) that she needs.
We rejoiced with her when her baby was born. We offered our shoulders for her to cry when the baby passed on. Called and sent messages to give her support, to let her know she would pull through. We urged her to pick up the pieces of her heart that were so messed up and move on.
I wonder how hard it was for these people who share a spiritual bond with Catherine to even send a text message. Even one that says, “We are praying for your quick recovery.”
Most of all I wonder why people act so perfect when they have lives full of imperfections. If Jesus were in Catherine’s ‘cell’ is that how he would have treated her? Pretend nothing was going on when she was sick and later pass on judgment to justify why he wasn’t there for her in time of need?
The few times I have been in church I hear us tell each other how much Jesus loved us and how we should love each other in the same way. What does this mean?
Are we Christians because we go to church or are we Christians because we practice the teachings of Jesus? I honestly would like to know.
I don’t frequent the church and have often wondered why i am lethargic most Sundays. I went to Boarding school so young, and this being a catholic school we were expected to be up early to attend morning mass. I was seven years at the time; I didn’t understand why we had to wake up so early or why we had to chant prayers every evening before bed. Before long, I viewed going to church as one of the boring school activities and sometimes punishment.
Every time I could go confess my sins, depending on how big or small they were(that is what I thought at the time) I would be asked to say as many as 50hail Mary’s to seek penance for my sins. Out of school and everything that was routine. Well once in a while I would religiously go to church but then at some point wasn’t so enthusiastic about it.
I am not a saint, I tell that to people all the time, in fact I clarify that I am not very religious. I have a relationship with God (though I know some will argue that this isn’t possible if I don’t go to church) and I have hope and faith. I believe in doing Good things to people, giving hope and being able to sleep at night knowing very well I put a smile on someone’s face.
I think this is the reason I am surrounded by friends who are religious (Saved) and even hold positions of office in their various churches. We respect each others opinion and that works just fine. One of these people is Catherine. Allow me to Digress
I wrote about Catherine a couple of Months ago. She was so sick at the time and we all thought she would die. Catherine was pregnant and dumped by the father of her baby. She stressed about it and got so sick she was in and out of hospital. Well she did have her baby-prematurely. She lost the baby five days later and was so devastated. She is okay now and going through counseling to help her cope with her loses.
Catherine and I have long talks all the time. Any person living with this virus openly will tell you how much talking about our issues head on is therapeutic. So today Catherine wanted to talk and as I let her into my office and closed the door, I saw tears in her eyes. I expected her to talk about the baby or her stupid ex but that’s not what is bugging her today.
Catherine feels pained by the actions or lack of them from her church through out her darkest and lowest moment. She confided in her ‘cell leader’ about being pregnant and the man leaving her.
“I could see from her eyes that she wasn’t happy.” she sadly remembers. After a lot of soul-searching and of course tears Catherine stepped down from her position in the church. “I didn’t want them to tell me to step down.” She says
“Last Sunday when I went to church, my cell members were all greeting me full of smiles and telling me they are sorry about me being sick.” Catherine has tears in her eyes now.
All Catherine would silently ask herself was “what did you guys do when you found out I was sick?” no body mentioned about her baby and I guess this was a taboo topic of discussion.
A long lecture from her cell leader is what’s bugging my friend the most. This leader believes that Catherine isn’t sick for no reason but because “she left Gods path and was being punished for it.” Then she implied that the baby dying was sort of justified because this wasn’t God’s child. God’s children are born within marriages I guess.
I am not religious but I know damn well what being human is. I guess most of what the religious books that we read (regardless of our religions) do is to teach us how to be humane. Being humane asks this of us; to be kindhearted and compassionate and loving. It’s empathizing with someone and offering a helping hand even if that person is a total stranger.
I don’t know what happens in cell groups but I guess it wouldn’t be different from what happens in my support group. People meeting once in a while to learn from each other and constantly watch out for each other. Catherine has been in this church for close to a decade and she doesn’t even get a text message to acknowledge her pain. How mean are these people?
I have seen this girl go through worse times in the last few months. This is the time she needed all her friends. I have seen all of us (most who don’t even go to any church) do everything in our power to get her all the help (medical or otherwise) that she needs.
We rejoiced with her when her baby was born. We offered our shoulders for her to cry when the baby passed on. Called and sent messages to give her support, to let her know she would pull through. We urged her to pick up the pieces of her heart that were so messed up and move on.
I wonder how hard it was for these people who share a spiritual bond with Catherine to even send a text message. Even one that says, “We are praying for your quick recovery.”
Most of all I wonder why people act so perfect when they have lives full of imperfections. If Jesus were in Catherine’s ‘cell’ is that how he would have treated her? Pretend nothing was going on when she was sick and later pass on judgment to justify why he wasn’t there for her in time of need?
The few times I have been in church I hear us tell each other how much Jesus loved us and how we should love each other in the same way. What does this mean?
Are we Christians because we go to church or are we Christians because we practice the teachings of Jesus? I honestly would like to know.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ALONE. (Safaricom peer educators launch)
No matter how small and unimportant what we are doing may seem, if we do it well, it may soon become the step that will lead us to better things.
Ladies and Gentlemen; good afternoon.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share with you on this day. On behalf of KENWA, I would like to congratulate you on the launch of the peer educators program. This is evidently a way of Safaricom’s response to the fight against HIV and better living for all staff.
I stand before you in two capacities. First, as an employee of KENWA.
Secondly I stand here as a young woman living with HIV.
As a person living with HIV, the glass ceiling is a barrier that I’m forced to stare at everyday. It helps a lot to have an enabling environment for people like me and those affected by this virus to be able to live their productive lives.
I agree that in the recent past, PLHIV have made great strides in the attainment of fundamental rights; CSO’s have worked tirelessly to fight stigma & discrimination for PLHIV; but we can’t afford to pause. Not yet.
We need to educate people about ways of HIV prevention and management. To do so, we need an environment that is supportive to PLHIV and to everyone so that they are able to talk about HIV&AIDS issues. This enabling environment is what the peer educators program brings to this organization.
Four years ago I was just a normal girl having just graduated and getting into the job market. A chance visit to the VCT (I was actually taking a friend) had me dealing with my HIV+ Status.
The first question I asked the VCT counselor after she broke the news to me was “will I ever get a good job?”
Then, I was – according to the powers that be – a failure. In a system where success is measured by what job one gets after graduation, the size of one’s bank account and a negative HIV status, I was a letdown to my family and society. This ladies and gentlemen saw me lose my self esteem as days went by. I didn’t want to meet my friends or anyone I was in college with. I believed that they would think I deserve everything or say mean things about me. I sank into the shadows with every passing day
Looking back, I realize that – for the past 4 years – I have learnt so much from the school of “life”. I have learnt how to survive stigma and discrimination; I have discovered the value of simple things in life. I live a very positive life; I have confidence in my self. I know who I am and I am comfortable with that. I have discovered though painfully that there is more to me than being HIV+. I am human, a woman with all the needs any woman would have. I don’t need to lose my sexuality or my independence because society thinks so.
I am not afraid to reach out and realize my full potential. I have learnt to say clearly what I want and how I want it. (In the bedroom this is a plus quality. ask any man). With HIV each passing day is a learning experience. I had my fourth year anniversary on 10th of this month. I am not on medication, I haven’t been so sick I didn’t go to work. My last CD4 count was 791. I don’t have a magic life ladies and gentlemen, I live my life as normal as I can and just stay bubbly and happy. I am Lucky but mostly I am glad I found out about my status early enough.
When I tested positive I was literally shoved in to the deepest of ends. I had two options; sink or swim. At the time, I didn’t know of any young person living with this virus I could compare my life to. I knew of Asunta but well she was way over there age wise.
I wanted someone to tell me what to do incase a guy asks for my number, or what to do incase my friends ask why I’m not my usual self. I wanted someone to tell me I can still dress up, look hot and not necessarily feel like the devils advocate. I was alone and afraid. My friends were there for me; the ones who didn’t run off but they weren’t in my shoes.
I believe that, in the course of our lives, we are faced with these two tough options; sink or swim. There’s no in-between. And it’s even harder when you are HIV positive because, at times, fear – within and without –rules a big part of our lives. For example: “Will I be hired?” Will I ever date again, get married, and have a child?” Can I still meet my friends for fun or movies?’” “Will they still want to be friends once they find out?”
Testing HIV positive isn’t an easy thing, it spells doom and failure and no one in their prime age wants to be associated with this. The stigma and discrimination associated with the disease doesn’t help much.
For those of us who chose to swim against the tides of HIV-related anger, denial and prejudice, the going hasn’t been easy. What we need to realize is that even in the midst of trouble, illnesses or heartbreak, you can rise to the occasion. Asunta tells us all the time that “there is an opportunity in everything that goes on in our lives, even the disasters…especially the disasters.”
It is impossible for you to control the behavior of others but very easy to control your response to it. In dealing with stigma just realize that those who reject, hurt, betray or belittle you only ever have as much power as you give them.
I know I’m talking to someone in this meeting today. I am not asking for you to raise your hand up and shout “I have HIV.” I am telling you are not alone. There are so many people going through the same fears and challenges. You can’t beat this thing alone. Find a support system in say your friends or family or a support group. This helps a lot especially psychologically.
I was invited to speak on a number of issues in regards to HIV and the youth. The youth is a diversified group with each group requiring different messages.
Being young is awesome and fun. You have very little or no responsibilities. You want to fit into certain circles of friendships and as much as you won’t want to believe this, there is so much peer pressure even at this age. For some of us this is that age where we want to meet that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. For others, this is the time to experiment and discover our self hence the orgies and bi-relationships. We all know what I am talking about.
We are always scared of changing that ‘fun spot’ we would rather die than face the HIV reality. This has made us a little careless or complacent where our sexual health is concerned.
I am not here to squash the fun part. I love fun; I have fun as much as anyone. It’s different when you make informed choices while you are at it.
Often when I go out for a drink with my friends, I find a guy or two who would like to take me home. I know we do all this sometimes, go out have fun and get ‘some’ from a random person we just met. Sometimes it’s that guy/chick you flirted with through out the party and asked out on a couple of dates. I just wonder if we ever ask them about their HIV status.
In my experience this topic never comes up. But just out of curiosity if they are indeed HIV positive what would we do? Food for thought.
Friends lets take responsibility for our sexual health. I hear a lot of stories from people (I have since become an aunty dolly of sorts) and what is sickening is how much we take for granted. Some girl once told me,
“He asked for us to use the condom and I said no. the condoms were sitting right there and I said no.” why? Because he didn’t have “the look”. She got HIV from this very guy.
I know of people who haven’t told their partners of their HIV+status. I know how easy it is to point fingers at them and call them evil. Having been there I will tell you how hard it is to disclose ones status to a potential lover. You have to go through rejection and for some women violence. Who wants that?
I have always wondered at what point of dating that one discusses things like “honey I have herpes or HIV.” Or “I had gonorrhea last year but I got treated.” That is why I will keep repeating this,
If you (think) are old enough to have sex then please have discussions about it, ensure you make informed choices while you are at it. If you can’t then please just abstain.
Most people still think they can pick out someone with HIV. Friends, there is no HIV look. There are no behaviors’ attributed to HIV either. Don’t think it’s the girl/guy seated in the bar drinking a soda or juice. You have to hang out with some guys from my office or support group to see what I mean.
To be safe, please just take care and take responsibility for your actions.
Ladies; (I don’t know about men) We often put up with a lot of things in the relationships we are in and when it finally comes to an end we sit down and call men names as we take in the ice-cream or do the alcohol binge. Girls, we need to stop and realize that everything that happens to us is as much our responsibility. This isn’t the era of naiveté. Take responsibility for the choices you make or that affect your life.
Women have continuously born the brunt of HIV&AIDS. This is because of factors such as our socioeconomic setup, our patriarchal system which makes most women dependent on men.
If I was giving this speech in Mathare then I would ask for measures to ensure the women are economically empowered to be able to be independent and negotiate for safer sex.
This however may not be a message for the women here.
Times are changing and women have proven they can be as good in almost any field professionally. What hasn’t changed though is our perception. To me this is one reason why the gender issues aren’t well addressed or articulated.
We should ask ourselves this; what do you tell a working woman who is economically able to do so as to have safe sex? What kind of empowerment is necessary? Is it capacities in terms of building esteem? Or creating knowledge on their rights? That aside,
I wonder why to date women still make/feel having a condom available is a man’s responsibility.
I wonder how many women have condoms in their bags. When you meet that random guy say after your 5th drink, what happens if none of you has a condom? A girl friend of mine got pregnant at the start of this year from a fling; she told me that the ones the guy had run out. Wouldn’t we be talking a different story if she had some with her?
Let me confess. I always have some with me for when the ‘craving strikes.’ Believe me this is the best form of sexual liberation; being able to discuss what I want before I hop into bed.
The female physiological make up makes us twice more vulnerable to HIV infection compared to men. It also makes us potentially able to know about our HIV status before our male partners. We go to the hospital more often (gynecological/paediatric issues). Most of the time this has seen most women blamed for HIV infections. This is why KENWA has special bias programs that are women empowering.
The recent KAIS reports the prevalence of HIV between people aged 15-49 is 12% for women and 7.5% for men.
This calls for more action by all of us to ensure infection rates go down. We need to build esteems for women and girls Normally when one isn’t confident about who they are, are depressed or have issues like body image, or peer pressure, they are vulnerable to doing things just to please their partners. Empower women and girls to know their rights, create awareness on myths and misconceptions about issues that affect women for example issues on violence against women and girls. We need to create an enabling environment for women and girls to be able to explore their full potential. This means getting the men and women together on board as we plan and implement our programs.
Speaking of the KIAS report, out of the 1.4million HIV infected Kenyans, 83% of them don’t know they are infected. These are the people we have random naughty nights with ladies and gentlemen. HIV aside, there are STI’s potentially in your lovers body waiting to get to you.
Treatment for PLHIV or any other ailment needs planning and support. HIV&AIDS treatment requires a plan that has in place strategies to ensure the client is taken care of all round. (Emotionally, physically, spiritually and economically) You may need to come up with referral strategies for the various services that you may not be able to offer. Having partnerships and working hand in hand with organizations helps a lot. The key thing is as you set out to encourage prevention of HIV infections and possible increase of VCT uptake. You need a plan for those who will find out they are HIV positive.
Ladies and gentlemen lets not forget to use what we have at our disposal to respond to the fight against HIV. Through ICT (information communication technology) we can be able to bridge distance and other logistical barriers in a cost effective way that will build knowledge and create awareness on issues of HIV&AIDS. The use of blogs, websites and interactive forums like MySpace or facebook are an easy way to get to the population that is your workforce.
Friends, like I said earlier, it isn’t easy for one to disclose their status. For one to do so there has to be a supportive environment for them to be in. What this program needs is a role model that people can look up to. This is Kenya and looking up to people is our way of life.
KENWA is ready to work in partnership with you especially in supporting living positively for PLHIV. Living positively with HIV requires the input of everyone around you; nutritionist, gynecologist, pharmacist, counselor, pastor, family, friends, doctor and a support group.
I know that some of you are living in silence; but that doesn’t mean that you can’t live positively. If disclosure isn’t your cup of coffee, you can still hold your head up in silent defiance. Don’t let anything or anyone limit your dreams.
please know that my arms are wide open; my ears are accessible; and that my shoulders still have enough space for one more hurting person. This is 2008, not 1987. You don’t have to be alone. Together, we can walk the next mile.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share with you on this day. On behalf of KENWA, I would like to congratulate you on the launch of the peer educators program. This is evidently a way of Safaricom’s response to the fight against HIV and better living for all staff.
I stand before you in two capacities. First, as an employee of KENWA.
Secondly I stand here as a young woman living with HIV.
As a person living with HIV, the glass ceiling is a barrier that I’m forced to stare at everyday. It helps a lot to have an enabling environment for people like me and those affected by this virus to be able to live their productive lives.
I agree that in the recent past, PLHIV have made great strides in the attainment of fundamental rights; CSO’s have worked tirelessly to fight stigma & discrimination for PLHIV; but we can’t afford to pause. Not yet.
We need to educate people about ways of HIV prevention and management. To do so, we need an environment that is supportive to PLHIV and to everyone so that they are able to talk about HIV&AIDS issues. This enabling environment is what the peer educators program brings to this organization.
Four years ago I was just a normal girl having just graduated and getting into the job market. A chance visit to the VCT (I was actually taking a friend) had me dealing with my HIV+ Status.
The first question I asked the VCT counselor after she broke the news to me was “will I ever get a good job?”
Then, I was – according to the powers that be – a failure. In a system where success is measured by what job one gets after graduation, the size of one’s bank account and a negative HIV status, I was a letdown to my family and society. This ladies and gentlemen saw me lose my self esteem as days went by. I didn’t want to meet my friends or anyone I was in college with. I believed that they would think I deserve everything or say mean things about me. I sank into the shadows with every passing day
Looking back, I realize that – for the past 4 years – I have learnt so much from the school of “life”. I have learnt how to survive stigma and discrimination; I have discovered the value of simple things in life. I live a very positive life; I have confidence in my self. I know who I am and I am comfortable with that. I have discovered though painfully that there is more to me than being HIV+. I am human, a woman with all the needs any woman would have. I don’t need to lose my sexuality or my independence because society thinks so.
I am not afraid to reach out and realize my full potential. I have learnt to say clearly what I want and how I want it. (In the bedroom this is a plus quality. ask any man). With HIV each passing day is a learning experience. I had my fourth year anniversary on 10th of this month. I am not on medication, I haven’t been so sick I didn’t go to work. My last CD4 count was 791. I don’t have a magic life ladies and gentlemen, I live my life as normal as I can and just stay bubbly and happy. I am Lucky but mostly I am glad I found out about my status early enough.
When I tested positive I was literally shoved in to the deepest of ends. I had two options; sink or swim. At the time, I didn’t know of any young person living with this virus I could compare my life to. I knew of Asunta but well she was way over there age wise.
I wanted someone to tell me what to do incase a guy asks for my number, or what to do incase my friends ask why I’m not my usual self. I wanted someone to tell me I can still dress up, look hot and not necessarily feel like the devils advocate. I was alone and afraid. My friends were there for me; the ones who didn’t run off but they weren’t in my shoes.
I believe that, in the course of our lives, we are faced with these two tough options; sink or swim. There’s no in-between. And it’s even harder when you are HIV positive because, at times, fear – within and without –rules a big part of our lives. For example: “Will I be hired?” Will I ever date again, get married, and have a child?” Can I still meet my friends for fun or movies?’” “Will they still want to be friends once they find out?”
Testing HIV positive isn’t an easy thing, it spells doom and failure and no one in their prime age wants to be associated with this. The stigma and discrimination associated with the disease doesn’t help much.
For those of us who chose to swim against the tides of HIV-related anger, denial and prejudice, the going hasn’t been easy. What we need to realize is that even in the midst of trouble, illnesses or heartbreak, you can rise to the occasion. Asunta tells us all the time that “there is an opportunity in everything that goes on in our lives, even the disasters…especially the disasters.”
It is impossible for you to control the behavior of others but very easy to control your response to it. In dealing with stigma just realize that those who reject, hurt, betray or belittle you only ever have as much power as you give them.
I know I’m talking to someone in this meeting today. I am not asking for you to raise your hand up and shout “I have HIV.” I am telling you are not alone. There are so many people going through the same fears and challenges. You can’t beat this thing alone. Find a support system in say your friends or family or a support group. This helps a lot especially psychologically.
I was invited to speak on a number of issues in regards to HIV and the youth. The youth is a diversified group with each group requiring different messages.
Being young is awesome and fun. You have very little or no responsibilities. You want to fit into certain circles of friendships and as much as you won’t want to believe this, there is so much peer pressure even at this age. For some of us this is that age where we want to meet that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. For others, this is the time to experiment and discover our self hence the orgies and bi-relationships. We all know what I am talking about.
We are always scared of changing that ‘fun spot’ we would rather die than face the HIV reality. This has made us a little careless or complacent where our sexual health is concerned.
I am not here to squash the fun part. I love fun; I have fun as much as anyone. It’s different when you make informed choices while you are at it.
Often when I go out for a drink with my friends, I find a guy or two who would like to take me home. I know we do all this sometimes, go out have fun and get ‘some’ from a random person we just met. Sometimes it’s that guy/chick you flirted with through out the party and asked out on a couple of dates. I just wonder if we ever ask them about their HIV status.
In my experience this topic never comes up. But just out of curiosity if they are indeed HIV positive what would we do? Food for thought.
Friends lets take responsibility for our sexual health. I hear a lot of stories from people (I have since become an aunty dolly of sorts) and what is sickening is how much we take for granted. Some girl once told me,
“He asked for us to use the condom and I said no. the condoms were sitting right there and I said no.” why? Because he didn’t have “the look”. She got HIV from this very guy.
I know of people who haven’t told their partners of their HIV+status. I know how easy it is to point fingers at them and call them evil. Having been there I will tell you how hard it is to disclose ones status to a potential lover. You have to go through rejection and for some women violence. Who wants that?
I have always wondered at what point of dating that one discusses things like “honey I have herpes or HIV.” Or “I had gonorrhea last year but I got treated.” That is why I will keep repeating this,
If you (think) are old enough to have sex then please have discussions about it, ensure you make informed choices while you are at it. If you can’t then please just abstain.
Most people still think they can pick out someone with HIV. Friends, there is no HIV look. There are no behaviors’ attributed to HIV either. Don’t think it’s the girl/guy seated in the bar drinking a soda or juice. You have to hang out with some guys from my office or support group to see what I mean.
To be safe, please just take care and take responsibility for your actions.
Ladies; (I don’t know about men) We often put up with a lot of things in the relationships we are in and when it finally comes to an end we sit down and call men names as we take in the ice-cream or do the alcohol binge. Girls, we need to stop and realize that everything that happens to us is as much our responsibility. This isn’t the era of naiveté. Take responsibility for the choices you make or that affect your life.
Women have continuously born the brunt of HIV&AIDS. This is because of factors such as our socioeconomic setup, our patriarchal system which makes most women dependent on men.
If I was giving this speech in Mathare then I would ask for measures to ensure the women are economically empowered to be able to be independent and negotiate for safer sex.
This however may not be a message for the women here.
Times are changing and women have proven they can be as good in almost any field professionally. What hasn’t changed though is our perception. To me this is one reason why the gender issues aren’t well addressed or articulated.
We should ask ourselves this; what do you tell a working woman who is economically able to do so as to have safe sex? What kind of empowerment is necessary? Is it capacities in terms of building esteem? Or creating knowledge on their rights? That aside,
I wonder why to date women still make/feel having a condom available is a man’s responsibility.
I wonder how many women have condoms in their bags. When you meet that random guy say after your 5th drink, what happens if none of you has a condom? A girl friend of mine got pregnant at the start of this year from a fling; she told me that the ones the guy had run out. Wouldn’t we be talking a different story if she had some with her?
Let me confess. I always have some with me for when the ‘craving strikes.’ Believe me this is the best form of sexual liberation; being able to discuss what I want before I hop into bed.
The female physiological make up makes us twice more vulnerable to HIV infection compared to men. It also makes us potentially able to know about our HIV status before our male partners. We go to the hospital more often (gynecological/paediatric issues). Most of the time this has seen most women blamed for HIV infections. This is why KENWA has special bias programs that are women empowering.
The recent KAIS reports the prevalence of HIV between people aged 15-49 is 12% for women and 7.5% for men.
This calls for more action by all of us to ensure infection rates go down. We need to build esteems for women and girls Normally when one isn’t confident about who they are, are depressed or have issues like body image, or peer pressure, they are vulnerable to doing things just to please their partners. Empower women and girls to know their rights, create awareness on myths and misconceptions about issues that affect women for example issues on violence against women and girls. We need to create an enabling environment for women and girls to be able to explore their full potential. This means getting the men and women together on board as we plan and implement our programs.
Speaking of the KIAS report, out of the 1.4million HIV infected Kenyans, 83% of them don’t know they are infected. These are the people we have random naughty nights with ladies and gentlemen. HIV aside, there are STI’s potentially in your lovers body waiting to get to you.
Treatment for PLHIV or any other ailment needs planning and support. HIV&AIDS treatment requires a plan that has in place strategies to ensure the client is taken care of all round. (Emotionally, physically, spiritually and economically) You may need to come up with referral strategies for the various services that you may not be able to offer. Having partnerships and working hand in hand with organizations helps a lot. The key thing is as you set out to encourage prevention of HIV infections and possible increase of VCT uptake. You need a plan for those who will find out they are HIV positive.
Ladies and gentlemen lets not forget to use what we have at our disposal to respond to the fight against HIV. Through ICT (information communication technology) we can be able to bridge distance and other logistical barriers in a cost effective way that will build knowledge and create awareness on issues of HIV&AIDS. The use of blogs, websites and interactive forums like MySpace or facebook are an easy way to get to the population that is your workforce.
Friends, like I said earlier, it isn’t easy for one to disclose their status. For one to do so there has to be a supportive environment for them to be in. What this program needs is a role model that people can look up to. This is Kenya and looking up to people is our way of life.
KENWA is ready to work in partnership with you especially in supporting living positively for PLHIV. Living positively with HIV requires the input of everyone around you; nutritionist, gynecologist, pharmacist, counselor, pastor, family, friends, doctor and a support group.
I know that some of you are living in silence; but that doesn’t mean that you can’t live positively. If disclosure isn’t your cup of coffee, you can still hold your head up in silent defiance. Don’t let anything or anyone limit your dreams.
please know that my arms are wide open; my ears are accessible; and that my shoulders still have enough space for one more hurting person. This is 2008, not 1987. You don’t have to be alone. Together, we can walk the next mile.
Thank you.
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